Come staccarsi emotivamente da qualcuno: 14 passi per il successo

Nonostante la credenza popolare, la parte più difficile di rottura con la persona amata non è abituarsi alla vita senza di lei o allo strazio che si prova.

It’s being left with the question: Come staccarsi da una persona che significa tutto per me?

Well, Khalil Gibran once said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

In other words, you can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that you should become emotionally dependent on them.

In effetti, ogni storia d'amore in cui due persone sono emotivamente codipendente è una relazione sbagliata.

Well, if you’re wondering how to detach from someone who is no longer with you, here is a detailed step-by-step guide through your detachment process.

1. Accept that it’s over

Prima di riuscire a staccarsi da qualcuno o di capire come staccarsi emotivamente, bisogna innanzitutto accettare la realtà.

Your bad relationship is over. Yes, it was bad and that’s why si è conclusa.

I know that this isn’t easy. Your heart is broken and you think that you don’t have the strength to face the painful truth.

Instead, you live in denial. You keep hoping that this is not the end and that you don’t have to go through the process of emotional detachment.

Well, the number one mistake most people make when they end any relationship (and this especially goes for romances) is that they start obsessing on getting their ex – whom they still love – back.

I get it. You miss this person badly and at this initial point, you’d do everything in your power to reconcile with them.

Così, si passano settimane o addirittura mesi a cercare di riconquistarli in modo sottile o addirittura a implorarli apertamente di avere un'altra possibilità.

Aspettate pazientemente di vedere il suo numero di telefono sullo schermo e mettete la vostra vita in attesa che questa persona ritorni.

I’m not here to give you lectures about your self-worth and why this is something you should never do for multiple reasons. In fact, I’ll just warn you about one thing.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, after a while you’ll turn around and see that you haven’t actually moved an inch – that your state of mind is exactly the same as it was the first day of your breakup.

Despite the fact that this person has been physically absent from your life for some time, you feel like you’ve just lost them.

You keep on expecting their phone call or text message where they tell you they can’t live without you.

That is exactly why it’s crucial not to waste any of your time on running from the truth or on trying to change something that can’t be fixed.

Instead of putting all of your strength into getting this person back, make a decision that, from this moment onward, you’ll start your healing process.

2. Fare piccoli passi

I won’t lie to you – emotional detachment and complete peace of mind can’t come overnight.

Kicking out someone from your life physically is not easy. However, it’s a piece of cake in comparison to throwing them out of your heart, mind, and soul.

Ordering your emotions and thoughts is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. In fact, some even consider it impossible.

Well, that’s not true. This is definitely possible, but it is a process that involves a lot of time, energy, effort, devotion, and – most importantly – patience.

Therefore, you won’t accomplish anything if you rush yourself through this journey.

Invece di essere duri con voi stessi e di aspettarvi che i miracoli accadano da un giorno all'altro, fate piccoli passi e andate avanti un giorno alla volta.

Of course, there are a lot of people who are convinced that they’ve managed to emotionally detach themselves from someone in a blink of an eye.

However, that is not possible. In fact, in this case, it’s likely that non hanno mai amato la persona da cui stavano cercando di staccarsi per davvero.

What is even more probable is that they’ve just repressed their emotions, which is certainly not a healthy way to deal with things.

They’ve done everything in a hurry, but all of their feelings will come flooding back sooner or later, when they least expect it to.

Pertanto, se volete evitare questo tipo di destino, dimenticatevi di cercare di nascondere le cose sotto il tappeto, poiché questa pratica vi porterà più danni che benefici nel lungo periodo.

Lasciate invece che il tempo faccia la sua magia e fate un piccolo passo alla volta.

3. Permettete a voi stessi di elaborare il lutto

La rottura con una persona e il distacco emotivo che di solito ne consegue vanno sempre di pari passo con un sacco di lutto.

Un altro errore che molte persone commettono è quello di cercare di evitare questa fase.

This is perfectly understandable. After all, there’s not one person on this planet who enjoys attraversare un cuore spezzato.

Nessuno ama scavare nelle proprie ferite emotive e rischiare di approfondirle ancora di più. Tuttavia, anche questa è una parte vitale del processo di lasciar andare nel modo più sano possibile.

Pertanto, invece di impedire che tutto il dolore venga a galla, fate il contrario.

Don’t provoke it intentionally, but if you sense a wave of sadness coming, don’t try shutting it down.

Embrace your pain and see it as something completely normal. Don’t let it define you, but accept that you’re just a human being made out of flesh and blood and that you’re allowed to suffer.

Don’t think of yourself as weak for feeling this way either. If you have the urge to scream or cry, that’s exactly what you should do.

Of course, this type of behavior shouldn’t become a habit of yours. After all, you can’t keep on living like this forever, can you?

That’s exactly why you should give yourself a deadline. Determine a date until which you’re allowed to grieve.

You’re the one who knows yourself the best, so you’re also the only one who can at least predict the amount of time your heart will need to recover.

Fino a questa data, gestite il vostro dolore come meglio credete.

You don’t have to be smart and play your cards right during this period; just do whatever is easiest for you (except contacting the person you’re learning how to emotionally detach from).

Poi, una volta trascorso questo periodo di tempo, mettetevi d'accordo e lavorate per lasciarvi andare completamente.

4. Tagliare tutti i legami

I’m sure you’ve already heard about the (in)famous regola del divieto di contatto. Si tratta di una tecnica che le persone sono solite applicare per far tornare i loro ex nella loro vita.

Basically, you cut all possible ties with this person for 30 to 90 days. No phone calls, no WhatsApp messages, no texting… If that doesn’t work, you even go as far as changing your phone number.

Darete loro la possibilità di sentire la vostra assenza e di iniziare a sentire la vostra mancanza, e darete a voi stessi molto tempo per riordinare i vostri pensieri e capire cosa e chi volete veramente.

Well, when you’re trying to detach yourself from someone, you’ll also cut all ties with them. Basically, you’ll go no contact with this person.

However, your no contact period is not temporary. Also, it’s not meant to serve as a tactic towards reconciliation.

Instead, it’s one of the steps towards your moving on for good.

Yes, I know we’re talking about emotional detachment here. Nevertheless, this is utterly impossible without physical detachment.

In ordine cacciare qualcuno dal proprio sistemaprima di tutto bisogna cacciarli dalla propria vita. E quando dico cacciare, dico davvero.

In sostanza, non esiste un'opzione in cui voi due rimaniate migliori amici.

I know you want to be polite and you probably love this person as a human being before you see them as a romantic partner, but you can’t expect to over get over them if you stay on friendly terms.

Pertanto, ciò significa che dovete semplicemente interrompere tutti i legami con questa persona. Non si possono inviare messaggi occasionali, uscire a prendere un caffè, augurare buon compleanno o fare due chiacchiere.

Sounds radical, I know. But it’s the only way for you to accept it’s really over, and save your mental and emotional health.

You see, staying in touch with someone you’re trying to forget equals reopening your wounds every time you have any kind of contact with them.

It’s moving forward one step and going back two, which is not your desired result.

Besides, you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Just based on this, it’s apparent that you have a way better chance of detaching yourself if you go no contact.

5. Sbarazzarsi dei promemoria

However, cutting all ties usually means much more than just going no contact with someone you’re sadly still attached to.

It’s not enough to change your phone number, unfollow them on social media, block them on WhatsApp, and refrain from talking to them on a regular basis.

In fact, if you really want to know how to emotionally detach and achieve complete peace of mind, you’ll have to get rid of everything and everyone that might remind you of this person, as well.

If you two were in a long term relationship (we’re even talking about an ex husband or wife here), it’s perfectly natural that a lot of things and people around you are connected with this person.

Sarebbe meglio se riusciste almeno a prendere le distanze da tutti loro. Questo vale soprattutto per gli amici intimi comuni.

I know that you’ve grown to love these people, but the last thing you need is someone who will keep on talking about your ex and your memories together.

Besides, whether you like to admit it or not, you’ll always wonder if these people will talk to them about you and if they can serve you as a channel towards them.

Dovete ammettere che questa è l'ultima cosa di cui avete bisogno se volete davvero andare avanti.

Therefore, the best thing would be to cut all ties with these people as well – at least for a certain period of time until you get better.

Don’t worry: If they’re your amici veri, they’ll understand your situation. They won’t pressure you into seeing them; they’ll give you all the time you need.

On the other hand, if you’re coworkers with your ex, things can get a little tricky and breaking up is more difficult.

In questo caso, fate del vostro meglio per mantenere un rapporto strettamente professionale e, se possibile, cercate di trovare un altro lavoro.

Lo stesso vale per i ricordi fisici della vostra relazione fallita.

Innanzitutto, smettete di frequentare i luoghi che voi e il vostro ex avete frequentato. Questo è particolarmente importante quando si tratta di locali, centri commerciali, parchi o caffetterie in cui ci si aspetta di incontrarlo.

La seconda parte consiste nel rimuovere tutte le foto e i ricordi insieme dai social media e da altri ambienti.

When it comes to this person’s gifts and other things that remind you of them, you don’t have to throw away all of it.

Inoltre, arriverà un giorno in cui ognuna di queste cose vi farà sorridere invece di farvi piangere.

Pertanto, la cosa migliore è tenere qualche piccolo promemoria, ma nasconderlo a se stessi fino a quando il periodo critico non sarà passato.

Another significant thing here is music. While you’re in the grieving stage, you’ll probably listen to a lot of sad songs on a regular basis to help you release your sadness.

However, in this phase, you should do your best not to listen to any songs that might remind you of the person you’re trying to emotionally detach yourself from.

6. Smettere di idealizzare la vostra relazione

The next step in your emotional detachment process is all about you idealizing your past relationship (or marriage, if we’re talking about your ex husband or wife).

Don’t worry: You’re not the only one doing this.

In effetti, questa è una pratica comune tra coloro che sono in lutto per una rottura. Pensate che la vostra relazione sia migliore di quanto non fosse in realtà.

Tu ti manca il tuo ex boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you’ve forgotten all about your arguments and everything bad regarding your relationship.

Invece, si ricordano solo i giorni più belli e si romanticizza ancora di più.

Da questo punto di vista, il vostro era un amore unico. Avevate un legame speciale, un legame karmico.

You’re convinced that this person is your only soulmate and the only man or woman you’ll ever love this much.

Well, let me tell you that this is all pain talking. I don’t doubt that you and your ex cared for each other, but trust me, it was a romantic relationship like every other.

You had your ups and downs. Besides, the bad days apparently outnumbered the good. After all, you broke up for a reason, didn’t you?

Therefore, I promise you that your relationship wasn’t as perfect as it now might seem. Your ex boyfriend or girlfriend has their own set of flaws, and I assure you that you’ll find someone better than them.

I’m not saying that you should forget everything nice you shared with this person either.

Cercate invece di guardare le cose nel modo più realistico possibile, e sarà più facile per voi superare l'intera vicenda.

7. Ricordate che potete sopravvivere senza nessuno

So, you’re in a situation where you’re wondering how to detach from someone once you’ve built an emotional codependency with them.

Questo accade spesso nelle relazioni con i narcisisti.

These people convince you that you’re completely worthless without them and that breaking up with them never means breaking emotionally free from them.

You come to believe that you can’t make it without them, that you need them to continue existing.

Vi convincete che questa persona è il centro del vostro universo, che la vostra vita senza di lei sarebbe inutile e che il vostro benessere dipende da lei.

Così, naturalmente, quando si perde la persona amata che era il Sole della Terra, ci si sente come se si fosse perso anche tutto il proprio valore (anche se si era capito di avere a che fare con un narcisista).

Il vostro stato d'animo cambia al punto da farvi pensare che l'unico modo per continuare a funzionare correttamente sia fare tutto ciò che è in vostro potere per riaverli.

Il punto chiave del processo di distacco emotivo è capire che nulla di quanto detto sopra è vero.

You don’t need your ex – you chose them to be a part of your life. Actually, as self-centered as this might sound, the truth is that you don’t need anyone to survive. No one but yourself, of course.

After all, you lived and existed before this person came along. So, what makes you think that you can’t keep on doing that now that they’re gone?

Please, don’t forget that you’re stronger than you might think. Even if things don’t appear that way now, trust me that you’re more independent and self-sufficient than you think.

Abbiate fede che potete farcela e ce la farete.

No, realizing all of this won’t magically make you forget all about this person, nor will it shut all of your feelings off just like that. The truth is that you’ll probably still miss them.

However, you won’t be emotionally attached to them anymore, which is the entire point, right?

8. Ottenere il la forza di perdonarli…

Most people think that emotional attachment has to mean that you only love this person we’re talking about. Well, the fact is, things are usually much more complicated than that.

In fact, when you’re in this kind of state, it’s pretty normal for you to feel all sorts of emotions.

One day, you love them and want them back, the next you hate them for leaving you, the day after that you think you’re finally over them, and so it goes on.

Don’t worry, this is nothing unusual and it doesn’t make you crazy. In fact, it’s just your brain and heart’s system of dealing with this roller-coaster you got yourself onto.

Basically, the point is that it doesn’t matter how you feel for your ex. The bottom line is the same: they exist inside of you, one way or another.

It’s pretty much the same if you love them or hate them. Either way, you’re still emotionally attached to them and need help letting them go.

That’s why you have to get the strength to forgive this person, even if it’s the last thing they deserve.

Dovete lasciar andare il risentimento e il rancore se volete lasciar andare tutti i sentimenti che provate per loro.

You’ll simply have to find a way to surpass the anger and the bitterness. Trust me: it’s the only way for you to set yourself free.

Be the better person and accept even the apologies you didn’t get. This won’t be easy, but it’s necessary for your healing process.

9. …and yourself

Ma soprattutto, dovete trovare la forza di perdonare se stessi. You see, sometimes you’re not emotionally attached to your ex – you’re still hung up on the person you were with them.

No, I’m not referring to the happy person you were back then. I’m talking about the fact that maybe you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself for not being smarter and for not knowing better.

Maybe you’re angry at yourself for still loving someone who obviously doesn’t deserve it.

Either way, the point is that you need to remember one thing: You just followed your feelings. You only broke your own heart and you’re not responsible for someone’s misfortune.

Pertanto, non c'è assolutamente nulla che dobbiate perdonare a voi stessi. Ricordate che sono cose che succedono e che una cosa del genere fa parte della vita.

Per favore, smettila di essere così dura con te stessa e concediti una pausa.

10. Sappiate che questo passerà

Il passo successivo consiste nel non vedere questa situazione come la fine del mondo. Siate ottimisti e sappiate che questa situazione passerà.

This is just a phase in your life – not a permanent state. You will get over it and guarirete, even though it doesn’t look that way now.

La cosa peggiore che possiate fare è perdere la speranza. Se perdete la fiducia in voi stessi, tutto questo sarà molto più difficile.

Trust me, you’re not the only one to go through something like this. In fact, I bet that there’s not a person alive who hasn’t experienced something similar.

Look, I’ll be completely honest with you here. This is probably not the last time you’ll be asking yourself how to detach from someone.

You’re likely to fall in love with someone new in the future, and there is a possibility that you’ll have trouble forgetting them and detaching from them too.

Tuttavia, anche questo passerà, così come passerà questa esperienza. Domani è sempre un nuovo giorno e c'è a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t see one.

11. Tenersi occupati

Un'altra cosa importante è tenersi occupati il più possibile.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to tell you that you should run away from your feelings into overwhelming yourself with loads of work and other obligations.

However, if you’re sitting around and doing nothing, it’s more likely that your thoughts will end up drifting to where they shouldn’t go.

Whether you like it or not, when you’re bored, you’ll start thinking about your ex and catch yourself preoccupied with them again.

Quindi, il modo migliore per evitarlo è quello di riempire l'intera giornata se si desidera smettere di essere ossessionati su questa persona.

Per cominciare, iniziate un'attività fisica. Andate in palestra, fate esercizi a casa, iscrivetevi al club di escursionismo o fate qualsiasi cosa che stanchi il vostro corpo.

First and foremost, this is one of the best ways to get rid of all of that anger you’ve got pent up deep inside. Also, I promise you that your mind will follow your body sooner than you might think.

When you’re physically exhausted, you have a better sleeping schedule and you simply have no strength left to think about someone you shouldn’t be thinking about.

Inoltre, un buon modo per tenersi occupati è trovare un nuovo hobby. Questo nuovo hobby può includere l'apprendimento di una nuova lingua, la padronanza di una nuova abilità, l'iscrizione al club del libro o un corso d'arte.

It wouldn’t be bad if you could get in touch with some of your old friends either.

I know that you’re probably scared of their reaction, since you’ve been ignoring them while you were in a relationship, but you can always try reaching out to them.

After all, you’ve got nothing to lose. Besides, I have a pretty good feeling that they’ll understand you and take you back.

12. Rivolgere questa energia a se stessi

When you’re emotionally attached to someone who is no longer physically present in your life, you spend a lot of time and energy thinking about them.

Of course you want to avoid this, but you feel like you just can’t help yourself.

No matter what you do, you can’t help but wonder where this person is, how they are, and whether they also feel the emotional connection you do.

Non solo, anche quando stavate insieme spendevi molte energie per il tuo ex.

Avete fatto tutto il possibile per salvare la vostra relazione, anche se una parte di voi sapeva che era destinata a fallire.

After that, you’ve spent ages crying and lamenting the loss of someone who is still alive. Basically, your feelings for this person have become your be-all and end-all.

Well, now it’s time to change that. And the best way to do so is to redirect all of the time you’ve been giving to your ex towards yourself.

Ricanalizzate tutta questa energia e iniziate a investirla nell'unica persona che se la merita: voi.

For starters, do your best to start loving yourself the way you love your ex. Start thinking about your life as much as you’ve thought about theirs, and taking care of yourself the same way you did them.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is to take your ex off this pedestal you’ve obviously put them on. Stop prioritizing them and switch places between you two.

Per cambiare, mettete voi stessi e il vostro benessere al primo posto. Smettete di collegare la vostra intera esistenza a questa persona e ricordate che il vostro piccolo universo ruota intorno a voi.

Trust me, your ex isn’t as important to you as they seem to be. You’re the most significant figure in your own life and the only one who really matters.

Therefore, you’re the one who deserves all the love in this world, your salute mentale viene prima di tutto e non c'è niente di più importante del vostro benessere.

Please, use this time to build the person you’re destined to be. Grow and do everything in your power to become the best possible version of yourself.

Lavorate sulla vostra autostima, rendetevi conto dell'importanza dell'amore per voi stessi e sviluppate il vostro senso di autostima.

Once you accomplish all of this, just like that, you’ll stop developing emotional codependency towards other people.

13. Imparare dal passato

Here’s the thing: As much as we’d like to, the fact is that nobody can change the past. So, the question is: What’s the point of obsessing so much over it?

That’s exactly what you’ve been doing. You’ve been dwelling on the past and completely disregarding the present and future.

Ebbene, invece di questa pratica (che può essere pericolosa per la salute mentale), provate a prendere qualche lezioni from everything you’ve been through.

Prima di tutto, questa esperienza dovrebbe insegnarvi a non permettere mai a voi stessi di diventare emotivamente dipendenti da un'altra persona.

You can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that your entire world should stop turning if it happens that you lose them.

Another crucial lesson here is that you don’t actually need anyone but yourself. When you lose a loved one, you are convinced that you won’t be able to keep on living without them. But here you are.

So, I guess that you’re much stronger than you initially thought. You can take much more than you expected, and you have what it takes to go through life on your own, without anyone holding your hand.

Yes, you’re an independent and emotionally self-sufficient individual and don’t let anyone change that.

14. Chiedere aiuto

Emotionally detaching yourself from a loved one is never easy. In fact, some people find themselves in a situation where they can’t cope with their feelings in this process on their own.

Se questo è un problema che vi riguarda, ascoltate il mio consiglio e chiedete aiuto a un familiare o a un amico intimo. Credetemi, non c'è nulla di cui dobbiate vergognarvi.

Credetemi quando vi dico che ogni peso diventa molto più leggero quando lo si condivide con qualcun altro. Lo stesso vale per questo bagaglio emotivo you’ve been carrying around.

I’m not saying that a third person will magically wipe away your pain. However, sometimes just talking to your best friend or a close family member helps a lot.

It becomes a lot easier to deal with all of this once you know that you’re heard and that you’re not alone.

Also, some people around you have also been through something similar to what you’re going through right now. Believe me, their experiences can serve you well.

Naturalmente, ognuno di noi ha i propri ritmi e il proprio modo di gestire le cose. Tuttavia, il modo in cui gli altri hanno raggiunto il loro obiettivo e superato l'attaccamento emotivo può almeno servire da ispirazione.

Se niente aiuta, non c'è nulla di vergognoso nel chiedere a un professionista come staccarsi da qualcuno in modo sano. Le auguro buona fortuna!