Comportamiento controlador: Signos, causas y cómo afrontarlo

Cuando pensamos en un comportamiento controlador, la mayoría nos imaginamos una relación tóxica y abusiva en la que uno de los miembros de la pareja es controlador.

Desgraciadamente, that thinking is wrong because that kind of behavior doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships.

Personas que le gusta controlar a los demás pueden encontrarse a nuestro alrededor. El comportamiento controlador puede darse en todo tipo de relaciones: entre familiares, entre amigos e incluso entre compañeros de trabajo.

Being in a controlling relationship greatly affects a person’s life. Actually, it changes someone’s life completely.

Primero, te hace olvidarte de todo y de todos los que te rodean. Luego te hace olvidar tu valía y, finalmente, te hace perderte a ti mismo. Te agota por completo.

¿Qué es un comportamiento controlador?

El comportamiento controlador es cuando alguien manipula a otra persona para que haga algo que quiere.

Mind games, gaslighting, emotional manipulation…Those are only a few techniques that controlling partners use to mess with their partner’s mind.

En primer lugar, hacen que sus parejas dependan emocionalmente de ellos. Después, las manipulan para que se comporten de la manera que más les conviene.

We have all met those couples where one partner is dominant and wants to be ‘in charge’ all the time, while the other is always silent and agrees with everything their partner does and says.

Mucha gente se queda atrapada en una relación controladora. Tienen fuertes sentimientos hacia sus parejas y les resulta muy difícil liberarse de ese abuso emocional.

A veces, por desgracia, incluso se convierten en víctimas de la violencia doméstica.

I’m sure we all know that one family where one of the parents is so overprotective of their children that it causes them to become too controlling.

Quieren saberlo todo sobre sus hijos y que respeten sus normas incluso cuando se conviertan en jóvenes adultos.

Unfortunately, those parents aren’t aware of the consequences their behavior can have on their children.

That kind of toxic relationship leaves indelible marks on children’s mental health and their self-esteem.

We have all encountered those annoying co-workers who think that they’re better than us at least once. Ugh, they’re the worst!

They do the same job as you, but they act as if they’re your boss. They tell others what to do, they make others do their job and in the end, they take all the credit for a job well done.

Este tipo de comportamiento abusivo también puede darse en las amistades. Si tu amigo cree que tiene derecho a controlar tu vida, aunque sea tu mejor amigo, tienes que poner fin a esa relación.

These are all examples of controlling relationships and behaviors. Despite many red flags, unfortunately, sometimes it’s very hard to spot a controlling person.

Signos de comportamiento controlador

A veces puede ser extremadamente difícil detectar a una persona controladora, pero aquí tienes algunas señales sutiles que pueden ayudarte.

1. Necesitan saber cada movimiento que haces y cada paso que das

Hagas lo que hagas, vayas donde vayas, tienes que decírselo antes. Quieren saber dónde estás cada minuto del día.

They text you all day and ask you where you are or when you’ll be back home. You aren’t allowed to do anything without their permission, or at least without discussing it with them first.

If you’re too busy to text them back immediately, they get angry and accuse you of cheating or not making them a priority in your life.

2. Aislándote de otras personas importantes en tu vida

Su objetivo es separarte de tu familia y amigos. Quieren aislarte de tus seres queridos porque representan una amenaza para ellos.

They know that those people want only the best for you and that they’ll try to talk to you about your unhealthy and manipulative relationship.

They are afraid of your family and friends and they’ll do just about anything to stop them from having that talk with you.

They want to make you believe that they’re the only ones you can trust.

That’s why they will make up stories about your family and friends and lie about them, just to make you think that you can’t trust them.

3. Se comportan de forma completamente diferente delante de su familia o amigos

You’ll see how they’ll make you confused. First, they’ll talk bad about your family and friends, but they’ll behave completely differently in front of them.

They’ll behave normal, as if they don’t have a bad opinion about them. They’ll make them laugh and compliment them often.

They’ll show completely different faces when they’re in front of your loved ones. You won’t know what they actually mean and how they feel about them.

Trust me, they don’t mean it like that. They don’t respect or love your family, like you think – they just don’t want them to suspect their real intentions.

4. You aren’t allowed to have a life outside the relationship

They’ll get angry if they ever see you talking or drinking coffee with some of your friends or colleagues. They’ll make you think that your relationship is the only thing that should be important in your life.

After they make you emotionally dependent on them, you’ll ask for their permission for everything you do.

Quieren para controlar cada parte of your life and soon enough you’ll see how it’s affecting all aspects of your life.

Your career won’t progress. You’ll never be able to try new opportunities.

You’ll lose all your connections. You won’t achieve your dreams and goals.

5. Su autoestima se resiente

Las víctimas de las personas controladoras son precisamente las que tienen baja autoestima. Saben que son fáciles de controlar por su falta de confianza.

Aunque hayas empezado esa relación con problemas de baja autoestima, tu confianza seguirá viéndose muy afectada por tu pareja controladora.

They’ll make you feel like they are better than you in everything. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for them.

6. Te hacen dudar de tu autoestima

Esto es la consecuencia of low self-esteem. Your partner will make you think that you aren’t good enough.

Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t worthy of being loved and that you won’t find someone new if you decide to put an end to the relationship.

Como estás tratando con un gran manipulador, después de algún tiempo, realmente empiezas a dudar de tu autoestima.

You start believing that he is the only man who could ever love someone like you and that’s why you start protecting your relationship more than ever.

7. Culpabilidad

Guilt tripping is a favorite technique from a manipulator to make you do something they want. They’ll even mention something that happened a long time ago just to get what they want.

They know how you think and feel. They know that by making you feel guilty, you’ll do whatever they want just to get their forgiveness and stop feeling guilty.

8. Tienes que demostrar tus sentimientos

Te hacen demostrar tu amor por ellos todo el tiempo pero cuando se lo pides, se molestan porque dudas de sus sentimientos. Tus palabras nunca son suficientes pero ellos sí.

You never even gave them any reason to doubt your love and it’s confusing for you why you should have to prove your love again and again.

9. Caminas sobre cáscaras de huevo a su alrededor todo el tiempo

Nunca sabes a qué atenerte con ellos. Cambian mucho de comportamiento.

One moment they make you think like they really love you but the next moment, they behave like you did something really bad to them and they can’t forgive you.

You can never be relaxed because you never know how they’ll behave. You don’t feel comfortable around them anymore.

You feel like they watch your every move and you’re right. They’re waiting for you to make a mistake so they can turn that against you and continue with their tactique of guilt tripping.

10. You aren’t allowed to speak up

You are never allowed to speak up because your opinion isn’t important. You just have to listen to them and agree with them because they’re always right.

You shut yourself off from others because you really start thinking that what you have to say isn’t important to anyone.

If something bothers you, you keep it to yourself because you’re afraid of telling your partner. That’s what makes your relationship instantly unhealthy.

11. Se enfadan si haces algo sin preguntarles primero

Se acostumbran a que les pidas permiso. Se comportan como si fueran tus dueños, como si tuvieran todo el derecho a controlar tu vida.

If you do something without consulting them first, even if it was some insignificant thing, they get so mad that they won’t even talk to you afterward.

If you did something wrong or made some foolish mistake, they’ll automatically give you the silent treatment. They’ll make you work hard for their forgiveness.

12. Tienen arrebatos repentinos de emociones

In front of your family and friends, they’ll show their affection and they’ll shower you with compliments.

Quieren hacerlo delante de ellos porque quieren hacer creer a los demás que son una pareja perfecta.

Sometimes they’ll even behave like that when you’re alone. It’ll happen when they notice that you’ve changed somehow.

Quieren confundirte demostrándote que, después de todo, se preocupan profundamente por ti.

Sometimes they’ll get so angry without any reason. They may even show some abusive behavior.

People who have a strong need to control someone else definitely have some mental health issues, so it’s no wonder that they have estos cambios de humor.

13. Crítica constante

You are constantly criticized by them. Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t good enough and that you never will be, no matter what you do.

They think that the more they repeat it, the sooner you’ll start believing it. It’ll also affect your self-worth. It destroys your self-esteem.

Constant criticism is a toxic habit. It won’t just affect your confidence and mental health, it will also destroy your intimacy.

14. They make you feel like you don’t deserve them

They know that if they make you think like you don’t deserve them, it will make you fight to keep them in your life.

They make you believe that they’re better than you in every possible way. Then, their controlling begins.

When they become sure that they’ve convinced you that you don’t deserve them at all, they start asking you to do things for them.

15. Te espían

They want to control your life and that’s why they need to know everything about you. They don’t trust anyone, you especially, and they start spying on you.

They go through your things, they follow you wherever you go, and they take your phone to see who you’re chatting with.

16. Hacen un drama innecesario

Cuando cometes un pequeño error, le dan mucha importancia. Esto se debe a que saben que haciéndote sentir culpable será más fácil controlarte.

Also, they want others to hear that you’ve made a mistake while they are a perfect partner.

17. No existen límites

Every healthy relationship is based on setting boundaries. Manipulative partners know that setting those boundaries will stop them from being able to control their partner’s life.

Aunque tuvieras unos límites sanos cuando empezasteis a salir, seguro que ahora esos límites han desaparecido.

Cruzaron todos tus límites al principio de vuestra relación y se lo permitiste porque estabas enamorada de ellos.

18. Son excesivamente celosos

Like we have already said, they don’t want you to have a life outside your relationship. They are jealous of all of your friends and co-workers.

They can’t stand to see you with someone else, even if you’ve never given them any reason to doubt your loyalty.

Esta es otra causa del comportamiento controlador.

19. Te amenazan con ultimátums

The first time your partner gives you an ultimatum, you should end the relationship because they’re only trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Controlling partners always give ultimatums to their partners. Most often, they threaten to hurt themselves if their partner doesn’t do what they want them to.

Dar ultimátums es una de las técnicas de un manipulador.

They give their partner ultimatums because they know they don’t want to hurt their feelings and that’s why they’ll accept it and do whatever is asked of them.

20. Abuso físico

Por desgracia, la mayoría de los casos de pareja controladora en una relación íntima acaban con maltrato físico.

Debido a sus frecuentes arrebatos emocionales, algunas parejas controladoras se vuelven agresivas y violentas. Empiezan a castigar a sus parejas cada vez que cometen un error.

Hay varias razones por las que algunas personas soportan el maltrato físico en una relación.

They might be afraid to tell anyone about it because they’re afraid of their partner or they think that no one would believe them.

Their feelings for their partner are too strong and it makes them believe that they’ll change one day and regret their behavior.

They can become too emotionally dependent on their partners and they are afraid to lose them. That’s why they start thinking that the abuse is normal.

¿Cuáles son las causas del comportamiento controlador?

Hay tantas razones por las que algunas personas sienten la necesidad de controlar otros y algunos son muy difíciles de reconocer.

Si alguien hubiera una experiencia traumática in a past relationship or they were emotionally abused themselves, they’ll try to control their partner because they don’t want to repeat their awful past experiences.

Algunas personas tienen problemas de confianza that mean they don’t trust anyone easily, especially an intimate partner. Those issues make them want to control their partner’s life.

Some people control their partner’s lives because of a miedo al abandono. They love their partners too much and they don’t want to ever lose them.

Neither they nor their partners are aware of the fact that they’re in a controlling relationship.

Hay algunas personas que simplemente tienen the need to be ‘in charge’ todo el tiempo. Sienten la necesidad de controlar la vida de todos los que les rodean.

Baja autoestima también puede hacer que una persona se vuelva controladora. La falta de confianza en uno mismo puede desencadenar muchos sentimientos desagradables, como ansiedad, depresión y celos.

The anxiety makes someone become controlling because they think that’s the only way they can protect themselves from experiencing bad things in the future.

¿Cómo tratar a una persona controladora?

Dealing with a controlling person isn’t easy because in most cases people aren’t aware at all that they’re being controlled.

Sin embargo, si notas algunas de las señales anteriores y te das cuenta de que tu pareja u otra persona te está controlando, a continuación te explicamos cómo puedes afrontarlo de la forma más eficaz.

• Reconnect with your family and friends

Ponte en contacto con tu familia y amigos. Pide perdón por haber permitido que alguien se interpusiera entre ellos y tú.

Ask them to hang out. Talk with them. These people are the ones who know you the best and I’m sure they can give you the best advice about your controlling relationship.

• Feel free to speak up

You have every right to express your opinion about everything. Relationships are all about equality and if your partner can’t take it, then it’s their problem, not yours.

If something bothers you, you should also feel free to tell your loved one. That’s how healthy relationships function.

Tienes que ser capaz de hablar de tus propios sentimientos.

• Don’t be afraid to say NO

If you aren’t okay with something, tell your partner. You don’t have to agree on everything with them. Don’t be afraid of their reaction.

Even if they make a fight out of it, you shouldn’t be worried. Conflicts and fights are also part of a relationship, what’s important is how your partner and you will deal with it.

• It’s time to reset your boundaries

Los límites deben existir en toda relación sana. Trust me, the main cause of your partner’s abusive behavior is the lack of boundaries in your relationship.

Pues bien, ha llegado el momento de restablecer esos límites. Piénsalo y decide qué cosas te molestan en tu relación.

• Pay more attention to yourself and your own well-being

Your loved one isn’t the only person that matters in your relationship. Tú también importas. Tus sentimientos importan. Tienes que empezar a prestarte más atención.

• Work on your self-confidence

If you have low self-esteem, it’ll make you a perfect target for a controlling person. Don’t allow it. Work on your confianza en sí mismo y ser lo suficientemente valiente como para poner fin a ser controlado.

• Remind yourself of your self-worth

Tú lo vales. You are good enough. Your partner isn’t better than you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

No permitas que nadie te convenza de lo contrario.

• Don’t change yourself anymore

Stop changing for a person who doesn’t respect you. Don’t lose your identity over someone who has never actually loved you.

If you allow someone to change you completely, you’ll never be the same and that’s something you won’t ever be able to forgive yourself for.

• Seek professional help if it’s necessary

If manipulative behavior has become physical abuse too, the best option for you is to seek professional help. They’ll take care of you best.

If you’re a victim of any kind of abuse or you know someone who is, you MUST contact the National Domestic

Línea directa contra la violencia de género. Está disponible las 24 horas del día.

Sometimes it’s possible to solve this problem and salve su relación mediante la comunicación. You should talk with the other person about their controlling behavior and ask them if they’re ready to change it to keep you.

Por otro lado, a veces no queda más remedio que poner fin a tu relación y sálvate de un manipulador que nunca va a cambiar.