Comportamento de controlo: Sinais, causas e como lidar com ele
Quando pensamos em comportamento controlador, a maioria de nós imagina uma relação tóxica e abusiva em que um dos parceiros é controlador.
Infelizmente, that thinking is wrong because that kind of behavior doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships.
Pessoas que gostam de controlar os outros podem ser encontrados à nossa volta. O comportamento de controlo pode acontecer em qualquer tipo de relação: entre familiares, entre amigos e até entre colegas de trabalho.
Being in a controlling relationship greatly affects a person’s life. Actually, it changes someone’s life completely.
Primeiro, faz-nos esquecer tudo e todos à nossa volta. Depois, faz-nos esquecer o nosso valor e, por fim, faz-nos perder-nos a nós próprios. Esgota-nos completamente.
O que é o comportamento de controlo?
O comportamento de controlo é quando alguém manipula outra pessoa para que esta faça algo que deseja.
Mind games, gaslighting, emotional manipulation…Those are only a few techniques that controlling partners use to mess with their partner’s mind.
Primeiro, tornam os seus parceiros emocionalmente dependentes deles. Depois, manipulam-nos para que se comportem da forma que mais lhes convém.
We have all met those couples where one partner is dominant and wants to be ‘in charge’ all the time, while the other is always silent and agrees with everything their partner does and says.
Muitas pessoas ficam presas numa relação de controlo. Têm sentimentos fortes pelos seus parceiros e torna-se muito difícil para eles libertarem-se desse abuso emocional.
Por vezes, infelizmente, tornam-se mesmo vítimas de violência doméstica.
I’m sure we all know that one family where one of the parents is so overprotective of their children that it causes them to become too controlling.
Querem saber tudo sobre os seus filhos e querem que eles respeitem as suas regras mesmo quando se tornam jovens adultos.
Unfortunately, those parents aren’t aware of the consequences their behavior can have on their children.
That kind of toxic relationship leaves indelible marks on children’s mental health and their self-esteem.
We have all encountered those annoying co-workers who think that they’re better than us at least once. Ugh, they’re the worst!
They do the same job as you, but they act as if they’re your boss. They tell others what to do, they make others do their job and in the end, they take all the credit for a job well done.
Este tipo de comportamento abusivo também pode ser encontrado nas amizades. Se o seu amigo pensa que tem o direito de controlar a sua vida, mesmo que seja o seu melhor amigo, tem de acabar com essa relação.
These are all examples of controlling relationships and behaviors. Despite many red flags, unfortunately, sometimes it’s very hard to spot a controlling person.
Sinais de comportamento controlador
Por vezes, pode ser extremamente difícil detetar uma pessoa controladora, mas aqui estão alguns sinais subtis que o podem ajudar.
1. Eles precisam de saber todos os seus movimentos e todos os passos que dá
Faças o que fizeres, vás para onde fores, tens de lhes dizer primeiro. Eles querem saber onde estás a cada minuto do dia.
They text you all day and ask you where you are or when you’ll be back home. You aren’t allowed to do anything without their permission, or at least without discussing it with them first.
If you’re too busy to text them back immediately, they get angry and accuse you of cheating or not making them a priority in your life.
2. Isolamento de outras pessoas importantes na sua vida
O seu objetivo é separá-lo da sua família e dos seus amigos. Querem isolar-vos dos vossos entes queridos porque representam uma ameaça para eles.
They know that those people want only the best for you and that they’ll try to talk to you about your unhealthy and manipulative relationship.
They are afraid of your family and friends and they’ll do just about anything to stop them from having that talk with you.
They want to make you believe that they’re the only ones you can trust.
That’s why they will make up stories about your family and friends and lie about them, just to make you think that you can’t trust them.
3. Comportam-se de forma completamente diferente perante a sua família ou amigos
You’ll see how they’ll make you confused. First, they’ll talk bad about your family and friends, but they’ll behave completely differently in front of them.
They’ll behave normal, as if they don’t have a bad opinion about them. They’ll make them laugh and compliment them often.
They’ll show completely different faces when they’re in front of your loved ones. You won’t know what they actually mean and how they feel about them.
Trust me, they don’t mean it like that. They don’t respect or love your family, like you think – they just don’t want them to suspect their real intentions.
4. You aren’t allowed to have a life outside the relationship
They’ll get angry if they ever see you talking or drinking coffee with some of your friends or colleagues. They’ll make you think that your relationship is the only thing that should be important in your life.
After they make you emotionally dependent on them, you’ll ask for their permission for everything you do.
Eles querem para controlar cada parte of your life and soon enough you’ll see how it’s affecting all aspects of your life.
Your career won’t progress. You’ll never be able to try new opportunities.
You’ll lose all your connections. You won’t achieve your dreams and goals.
5. A sua autoestima é afetada
As vítimas de pessoas controladoras são exatamente aquelas que têm baixa autoestima. Sabem que são fáceis de controlar devido à sua falta de confiança.
Mesmo que tenha começado essa relação com problemas de baixa autoestima, a sua confiança continuará a ser grandemente afetada pelo seu parceiro controlador.
They’ll make you feel like they are better than you in everything. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for them.
6. Fazem-te duvidar do teu valor próprio
Isto é a consequência of low self-esteem. Your partner will make you think that you aren’t good enough.
Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t worthy of being loved and that you won’t find someone new if you decide to put an end to the relationship.
Como estamos a lidar com um grande manipulador, ao fim de algum tempo, começamos a duvidar do nosso valor próprio.
You start believing that he is the only man who could ever love someone like you and that’s why you start protecting your relationship more than ever.
7. Culpabilização
Guilt tripping is a favorite technique from a manipulator to make you do something they want. They’ll even mention something that happened a long time ago just to get what they want.
They know how you think and feel. They know that by making you feel guilty, you’ll do whatever they want just to get their forgiveness and stop feeling guilty.
8. Tens de provar os teus sentimentos
Fazem-nos provar o nosso amor por eles a toda a hora, mas quando lhes pedimos isso, ficam chateados porque duvidamos dos seus sentimentos. As tuas palavras nunca são suficientes, mas elas são.
You never even gave them any reason to doubt your love and it’s confusing for you why you should have to prove your love again and again.
9. Andamos sempre com cascas de ovos à volta deles
Nunca se sabe qual é a nossa posição em relação a eles. Eles mudam muito o seu comportamento.
One moment they make you think like they really love you but the next moment, they behave like you did something really bad to them and they can’t forgive you.
You can never be relaxed because you never know how they’ll behave. You don’t feel comfortable around them anymore.
You feel like they watch your every move and you’re right. They’re waiting for you to make a mistake so they can turn that against you and continue with their tactique of guilt tripping.
10. You aren’t allowed to speak up
You are never allowed to speak up because your opinion isn’t important. You just have to listen to them and agree with them because they’re always right.
You shut yourself off from others because you really start thinking that what you have to say isn’t important to anyone.
If something bothers you, you keep it to yourself because you’re afraid of telling your partner. That’s what makes your relationship instantly unhealthy.
11. Ficam zangados se fizeres alguma coisa sem lhes perguntares primeiro
Habituam-se a que lhes peçam autorização. Comportam-se como se fossem donos de si, como se tivessem todo o direito de controlar a sua vida.
If you do something without consulting them first, even if it was some insignificant thing, they get so mad that they won’t even talk to you afterward.
If you did something wrong or made some foolish mistake, they’ll automatically give you the silent treatment. They’ll make you work hard for their forgiveness.
12. Têm explosões súbitas de emoções
In front of your family and friends, they’ll show their affection and they’ll shower you with compliments.
Querem fazer isso à frente deles porque querem que os outros pensem que são um parceiro perfeito.
Sometimes they’ll even behave like that when you’re alone. It’ll happen when they notice that you’ve changed somehow.
Querem confundir-te, mostrando-te que, afinal, gostam muito de ti.
Sometimes they’ll get so angry without any reason. They may even show some abusive behavior.
People who have a strong need to control someone else definitely have some mental health issues, so it’s no wonder that they have estas mudanças de humor.
13. Críticas constantes
You are constantly criticized by them. Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t good enough and that you never will be, no matter what you do.
They think that the more they repeat it, the sooner you’ll start believing it. It’ll also affect your self-worth. It destroys your self-esteem.
Constant criticism is a toxic habit. It won’t just affect your confidence and mental health, it will also destroy your intimacy.
14. They make you feel like you don’t deserve them
They know that if they make you think like you don’t deserve them, it will make you fight to keep them in your life.
They make you believe that they’re better than you in every possible way. Then, their controlling begins.
When they become sure that they’ve convinced you that you don’t deserve them at all, they start asking you to do things for them.
15. Eles espiam-nos
They want to control your life and that’s why they need to know everything about you. They don’t trust anyone, you especially, and they start spying on you.
They go through your things, they follow you wherever you go, and they take your phone to see who you’re chatting with.
16. Fazem um drama desnecessário
Quando cometes um pequeno erro, eles fazem disso um grande problema. Isto porque sabem que, se o fizerem sentir-se culpado, será mais fácil controlá-lo.
Also, they want others to hear that you’ve made a mistake while they are a perfect partner.
17. Não existem quaisquer limites
Every healthy relationship is based on setting boundaries. Manipulative partners know that setting those boundaries will stop them from being able to control their partner’s life.
Mesmo que tivesse alguns limites saudáveis quando começou a namorar, esses limites desapareceram de certeza.
Eles ultrapassaram todos os seus limites logo no início da vossa relação e você permitiu que eles o fizessem porque estava apaixonada por eles.
18. São demasiado ciumentos
Like we have already said, they don’t want you to have a life outside your relationship. They are jealous of all of your friends and co-workers.
They can’t stand to see you with someone else, even if you’ve never given them any reason to doubt your loyalty.
Esta é outra causa do comportamento de controlo.
19. Ameaçam-no com ultimatos
The first time your partner gives you an ultimatum, you should end the relationship because they’re only trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.
Controlling partners always give ultimatums to their partners. Most often, they threaten to hurt themselves if their partner doesn’t do what they want them to.
Fazer ultimatos é uma das técnicas de um manipulador.
They give their partner ultimatums because they know they don’t want to hurt their feelings and that’s why they’ll accept it and do whatever is asked of them.
20. Maus tratos físicos
Infelizmente, a maioria dos casos de um parceiro controlador numa relação íntima termina em maus tratos físicos.
Devido às suas frequentes explosões de emoções, alguns parceiros controladores tornam-se agressivos e violentos. Começam a castigar os seus parceiros sempre que estes cometem um erro.
Há várias razões pelas quais algumas pessoas suportam os maus tratos físicos numa relação.
They might be afraid to tell anyone about it because they’re afraid of their partner or they think that no one would believe them.
Their feelings for their partner are too strong and it makes them believe that they’ll change one day and regret their behavior.
They can become too emotionally dependent on their partners and they are afraid to lose them. That’s why they start thinking that the abuse is normal.
O que causa o comportamento de controlo?
Há muitas razões pelas quais algumas pessoas se sentem a necessidade de controlo outros e alguns são muito difíceis de reconhecer.
Se alguém tivesse uma experiência traumática in a past relationship or they were emotionally abused themselves, they’ll try to control their partner because they don’t want to repeat their awful past experiences.
Algumas pessoas têm questões de confiança that mean they don’t trust anyone easily, especially an intimate partner. Those issues make them want to control their partner’s life.
Some people control their partner’s lives because of a medo do abandono. They love their partners too much and they don’t want to ever lose them.
Neither they nor their partners are aware of the fact that they’re in a controlling relationship.
Há pessoas que simplesmente têm the need to be ‘in charge’ a toda a hora. Sentem a necessidade de controlar a vida de todos à sua volta.
Baixa autoestima também pode fazer com que uma pessoa se torne controladora. A falta de auto-confiança pode desencadear muitos sentimentos desagradáveis como ansiedade, depressão e ciúmes.
The anxiety makes someone become controlling because they think that’s the only way they can protect themselves from experiencing bad things in the future.
Como lidar com uma pessoa controladora?
Dealing with a controlling person isn’t easy because in most cases people aren’t aware at all that they’re being controlled.
No entanto, se notar alguns dos sinais anteriores e perceber que o seu parceiro ou outra pessoa o está a controlar, eis como pode lidar com isso da forma mais eficaz.
• Reconnect with your family and friends
Entre em contacto com a sua família e amigos. Peça desculpa por ter permitido que alguém se interpusesse entre eles e si.
Ask them to hang out. Talk with them. These people are the ones who know you the best and I’m sure they can give you the best advice about your controlling relationship.
• Feel free to speak up
You have every right to express your opinion about everything. Relationships are all about equality and if your partner can’t take it, then it’s their problem, not yours.
If something bothers you, you should also feel free to tell your loved one. That’s how healthy relationships function.
Temos de ser capazes de falar sobre os nossos próprios sentimentos.
• Don’t be afraid to say NO
If you aren’t okay with something, tell your partner. You don’t have to agree on everything with them. Don’t be afraid of their reaction.
Even if they make a fight out of it, you shouldn’t be worried. Conflicts and fights are also part of a relationship, what’s important is how your partner and you will deal with it.
• It’s time to reset your boundaries
Em todas as relações saudáveis devem existir limites. Trust me, the main cause of your partner’s abusive behavior is the lack of boundaries in your relationship.
Bem, agora é a altura de redefinir esses limites. Pense nisso e decida o que o incomoda na sua relação.
• Pay more attention to yourself and your own well-being
Your loved one isn’t the only person that matters in your relationship. Tu também és importante. Os teus sentimentos são importantes. É preciso começar a prestar mais atenção a si próprio.
• Work on your self-confidence
If you have low self-esteem, it’ll make you a perfect target for a controlling person. Don’t allow it. Work on your autoconfiança e ser suficientemente corajoso para pôr fim ao controlo.
• Remind yourself of your self-worth
Tu vales a pena. You are good enough. Your partner isn’t better than you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
Nunca deixes que ninguém te convença do contrário.
• Don’t change yourself anymore
Stop changing for a person who doesn’t respect you. Don’t lose your identity over someone who has never actually loved you.
If you allow someone to change you completely, you’ll never be the same and that’s something you won’t ever be able to forgive yourself for.
• Seek professional help if it’s necessary
If manipulative behavior has become physical abuse too, the best option for you is to seek professional help. They’ll take care of you best.
If you’re a victim of any kind of abuse or you know someone who is, you MUST contact the National Domestic
Organização da Linha Direta contra a Violência. Está disponível 24 horas por dia.
Sometimes it’s possible to solve this problem and salvar a sua relação através da comunicação. You should talk with the other person about their controlling behavior and ask them if they’re ready to change it to keep you.
Por outro lado, por vezes não temos outra opção senão pôr fim à vossa relação e salva-te de um manipulador que nunca vai mudar.
