Así es como dejé de elegir a los tipos equivocados

For as long as I can remember, I had the wrong men in my life. Some of them were toxic, some were abusive and some of them were selfish… Some of them maybe weren’t all that wrong, but they were definitely wrong for me. Let me get one thing straight— wasn’t picking guys of a particular type (or at least, I thought I wasn’t); some of my boyfriends were players, you would characterize some of them as nice guys and they all looked different. But, all of them had one thing in common—they all treated me badly.

When I was younger, I thought all of my heartbreaks were due to my bad luck. I didn’t chase any of these guys, they were all actually corriendo detrás de mí in the beginning. But as soon as they saw they had me, they changed drastically. Some changed the way they behaved with me, some of them just walked away and some acted perfectly until I found out about their lies and cheating. The point is that I’ve had more than one heartbreak and that I was always the one who ended up being hurt or left behind.

Tardé mucho tiempo en darme cuenta de que todos gravitamos hacia el tipo de personas con las que estamos familiarizados. Aunque parezca una locura, los chicos equivocados eran mi zona de confort y, por alguna razón, me aterrorizaba romper mis patrones de citas.

A medida que fui creciendo, empecé a darme cuenta de que esto que me estaba pasando era algo más que una simple coincidencia. Era yo la que atraía a esos chicos y era yo la que los elegía, sin ni siquiera ser consciente de ello. También era yo la que permanecía en esas relaciones tóxicas y manipuladoras. Todos veían en mí algo que me convertía en una víctima adecuada para sus juegos mentales y su manipulación emocional.

It took me many years of introspection and self-reflection, but now I can say I’ve finally reached some kind of conclusion. I think I can finally say why I was choosing the guys that I was choosing and what it was that finally made me deja de recogerlos.

This was hard for me to accept, but the first thing that attracted these guys was my self-esteem—or to be more precise, the lack of it. As far as I can remember, I’ve dealt with my different insecurities. Although I thought these were things people around me didn’t notice, I was obviously wrong. When I was with a handsome guy, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough and when I was with a guy whose main quality was his brain, I thought I wasn’t smart enough.

En cualquier caso, siempre pensé que no era lo bastante buena. Y en lugar de centrarme en mis cualidades, opté por centrarme en mis imperfecciones. Pensaba que estaba ocultando mis inseguridades, pero los hombres las percibían. Sentían que yo era alguien que ansiaba su aprobación y su atención. Así que al principio me la daban, sólo para conquistarme.

Most of the men I’ve dated were actually too good to be true in the beginning. They knew exactly what I needed to hear and they used it. And that was their strategy—once they made me feel wanted and loved, they knew they had me completely and their job was done. After that, I kept doing whatever they wanted just to have their attention and love back.

I was always craving the amount of attention these guys were giving me in the beginning and they saw I became addicted to their approval. Therefore, they could treat me the way they wanted. And most of them did. It was always easy for a guy to convince me I wasn’t worthy and that I should be lucky to have him, no matter how he treated me.

So, if I wanted to break my dating patterns, the first thing I had to work on was my self-esteem. I needed to learn how to love and appreciate myself, before expecting respect from my partner. I can’t say that I’ve accomplished that goal just yet, but I am slowly working on it. I am taking baby steps, but I am teaching myself that it is OK for me not to be perfect and that my flaws are a part of who I am. Once you learn to acepta tus imperfeccionesLos demás te seguirán. Y cuando aprendas a quererte y apreciarte, tu pareja hará lo mismo.

The next thing that brought all the wrong guys to me was my fear of solitude. We live in a society in which a single woman is always looked down upon. I was so terrified of being alone, because I thought I could never be a complete individual without a man by my side. So, I kept settling for guys who didn’t deserve me, just so I could have someone next to me.

Incluso cuando estaba en una relación, vivía con el miedo constante de que el chico me dejara, así que hacía todo lo que podía para evitarlo. Pensaba que los mantendría a mi lado si hacía todo lo que ellos querían y si me convertía en la persona que ellos querían que fuera. Por supuesto, los hombres percibieron mi desesperación y la utilizaron de todas las formas posibles. Mi miedo a la soledad también estaba relacionado con mis inseguridades; no es que lo pasara tan mal sola, más bien tenía miedo de que la gente me juzgara, de pensar que nadie me quería lo suficiente como para tener una relación conmigo. Sólo cuando me di cuenta de que estar sola y sentirse solo no es lo mismo aprendí a abrazar la vida de soltero.

With time, I’ve slowly learned to appreciate ‘me-time’. It was hard in the beginning, but I gave myself time to get to know myself better and to start enjoying things that make only me happy, without having to compromise with my partner. And once I saw that single life is not all that terrifying and that it is something you should enjoy, my dating life also changed. I wasn’t desperate to get into a relationship anymore and that caused me to be more relaxed and indifferent toward guys, which saved me a lot of emotional pain and many heartbreaks. Also, I wasn’t falling into despair if things didn’t work out with a certain guy—I knew I always had a life I could go back to, with or without him in it.

Cuando dejé de intentar cambiar a los chicos que me rodeaban y empecé a trabajar en mis problemas internos, rompí mis antiguos patrones de citas. Fue entonces cuando me di cuenta de lo que necesito y quiero de la vida. Y me dio la capacidad de reconocer a los chicos equivocados desde el momento en que los veo.

I still can’t say I have found the man of my dreams, but I think I am on a good path. At least, I se deshizo de los tipos equivocados de una vez por todas y lo considero uno de mis mayores éxitos.

Although I am still in the process of dealing with my insecurities, I have come a long way. I’ve realized that the guys I was choosing and the way they were treating me were actually reflections of the value I placed on myself. I was constantly involved with guys who were devaluing me because I thought that was the best I deserved. But now, I’ve finally seen my true worth and I am not ready to give a place in my life to anyone who is not ready to appreciate me.