Este año no dejaré que me hagas daño

I’ve learned a lot this last year. I won’t be making the same mistakes anymore. I let you into my life. I was so naive and foolish and I didn’t understand that you never intended to love me.

I’m not saying that I regret everything that has happened because it’s not true. I don’t regret some moments with you because there were times when I felt loved, although it was just for a second, and there were times that left nice and warm feelings inside me.

Pero, hoy, cuando miro atrás, hay muchos más recuerdos malos que buenos y por eso me perdono.

I’m not forgiving you because you aren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not you.

When we broke up, I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest but I felt like another one was put on. It was the pain of my broken heart. I was so unhappy in our relationship that I forgot that I still loved you. Despite all that you have done to me and the way you treated me, I couldn’t help but to todavía te quiero.

Mientras conducía de vuelta a casa, iba en completo silencio. No se oía más sonido que los latidos de mi propio corazón en medio de la noche. Dentro de mí crecía una mezcla de tristeza y felicidad. El silencio en el coche se rompió con un grito repentino que salió de mi boca. Me sentí tan bien al dar rienda suelta a lo que llevaba dentro.

I was trying to look at the road while choking in tears. That was when I realized that I would have loved you my whole life. I would have been with you despite the things you’ve done to me.

I don’t know whether it was love or fear I was feeling. Because, how could I have known what love is when I failed with you who swore to love me forever?

Days and months passed and I still couldn’t nurture myself back to health. I couldn’t go out in the daylight. I couldn’t let other people see me falling apart. I couldn’t let them know you broke me.

My walls have become my best friends. I spend days in my room staring at them, hoping to get an answer—like they are going to talk to me and explain to me why and how all of this has happened.

All that time, I had the answer right in front of me and then I finally realized it. I would have never given up on you if you didn’t give up on me. I would have spent the rest of my life hurting and thinking love is supposed to be like that because you taught me that.

Nunca supiste amarme y por eso siempre me culpaste. Y yo fui tan estúpida como para creerte.

Este año I’ve decided to finally let you go para siempre.

I realized it wasn’t my fault you didn’t know how to love me. You failed on every level of love. I say that and what do I know about love other than that sorry ass of a try you gave me?  It wasn’t my fault that you thought talking to you when I was feeling sad was stupid. It wasn’t my fault that calling you to tell you I love you was suffocating you. It wasn’t my fault for wanting to commit to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

It was your fault. I’m only responsible for giving you the chance to love me, which you wasted.

I realized it wasn’t my fault you never knew my worth. You were always putting me down and making me feel not good enough for you. You always made me care for you so much more and you didn’t give a damn whether I was dead or alive. It’s not my fault that you didn’t see the real me and the potential I finally realized I’ve had all this time.

You were my perfect lesson for the future. I won’t close myself off, but I promise myself that I will be more careful with my heart.

Fue culpa mía que estuviera sufriendo porque rompí mi propio corazón al intentar demostrarme a mí misma que merezco que me devuelvan el amor. Lo deseaba tanto que ignoré todo lo demás a mi alrededor y al final me costó mi dolor y mis lágrimas.

I invested so much in you and I didn’t want to be wrong about you. I had known this the whole time. It’s just that my heart took some time to catch up with my mind.

This year, I’m giving myself another chance. I think I deserve it.

This year I’m going to let you go for good. I think I deserve that as well.

Este año espero conocer a alguien a quien amar tanto como te quise a ti. Este año espero que me ame como merezco.

Este año sé que el que me dejaras marchar fue tu pérdida y no la mía.

This year I’m going to start all over again.