Engañé a mi novio y esto es lo que aprendí de ello

Antes de mi vergonzoso acto de engaño, nunca entendí realmente por qué la gente engaña en primer lugar.

Siempre creí en la honestidad, la transparencia, el respeto y el compromiso, y siempre le decía a mi mejor amigo that I would never choose to be somewhere in between all that – to be a cheater.

Creía de todo corazón que nunca decidiría engañar a alguien que me ha entregado desinteresadamente su corazón para que lo cuide.

Lo he dicho muchas veces:

I would rather be miserable and alone for the rest of my life than cheat on someone because I’m either with that person or I’m not.

If I’m not happy, I’ll break up with them, move forward, and do whatever I want, but I won’t cheat as long as I’m in a relación seria con mi pareja, que confía en mí.

I guess the first time I said it, I wasn’t even aware of the real difficulty of that statement and the fact that it is easier said than done.

But, “lucky me,” now I can tell with certainty that sometimes the words that come out of our mouths simply cannot be trusted.

Engañé a mi novio a pesar de que toda mi vida estuve en contra del engaño y a favor de vivir según principios de confianza y compromiso.

But, life is unpredictable and the truth is that both men and women cheat and, in most cases, it’s not because they wanted to, but because something broke in them and they couldn’t find a way to deal with it.

Porque faltaba algo, así que acabaron en un laberinto de infidelidad.

Véase también: Cómo perdonarse por engañar y no contarlo: 20 maneras

Mi experiencia con el engaño

To help you understand my cheating experience in full, I’ll first give you an insight into my past relationship.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year or so and from the day we met, everything was just perfect (until it wasn’t).

He was really caring, he’d always go out of his way to make me feel special (both through text messages and in real life) and we had this química increíble como adolescentes de instituto.

Era realmente un gran tipo.

We’d finish each other’s sentences, laugh about stupid things, and just enjoy life as every other couple at the beginning of a relationship.

Cada segundo que pasaba con él era mágico y ni siquiera me imaginaba engañándole, y mucho menos pensaba en hacerlo de verdad.

Until one day – or better said, until something happened, but I couldn’t really understand what was truly going on. I noticed that he suddenly changed.

He was no longer the same person I’d fallen in love with because he no longer cared about making an effort to keep things interesting, about affection and other romantic things related to a healthy relationship.

Los mensajes de texto se hicieron menos frecuentes o inexistentes y, a medida que pasaba el tiempo, surgieron literalmente de la nada montones de otros problemas en la relación, y yo no tenía ni idea de qué hacer al respecto.

Mi autoestima estaba muy baja, me sentía miserable y sólo podía pensar en eso: ¿Qué debo hacer con mi relación?

I tried to talk to my partner to understand what was going on, but every time I did, he’d just pretend that everything was okay and that I was overreacting.

Supongo que se volvió demasiado casual en nuestra relación y perdió el sentido de perseguir y valorar lo que teníamos.
Fue muy duro lidiar con todo esto y empecé a alejarme.

Seguía sintiendo algo por él, pero al mismo tiempo maldecía el día en que lo conocí y también esperaba que tal vez algo cambiara.

I wasn’t ready to romper ya, but I also wasn’t happy in the relationship.

Así que decidí fingir que estaba viva y era feliz sin vivir ni ser feliz de verdad.

Hasta que le conocí.

Mi antiguo colega me presentó a su amigo una noche que salimos a tomar algo y congeniamos al instante.

Compartíamos la misma perspectiva de las cosas, era tan caballeroso y atento, y en sus ojos brillaba una pasión que poco a poco iba encendiendo mi cuerpo y mi mente.

Aunque fue muy difícil resistir la tentación, esa noche no pasó nada, pero seguimos viéndonos.

Cada vez que estábamos juntos, me sentía más y más comprendida, cuidada y simplemente viva de nuevo.

And at the same time, I was convincing myself that we were just friends and nothing more, and all this would stop soon because I couldn’t let myself lose control and do something stupid.

Y entonces lo hice. Me invitó a su casa, preparó una comida deliciosa, me trató como a una reina y me sedujo como a una jefa.

Mis intentos de resistirme fueron en vano, así que me rendí y dejé que la ardiente pasión me guiara.

Y al día siguiente, cuando me di cuenta de lo que acababa de pasar, de que había engañado a mi novio, mi mundo se derrumbó.

Me sentía el mayor cobarde del mundo porque era demasiado débil para seguir adelante con mi relación actual, a pesar de ser evidentemente infeliz.

Las únicas emociones que sentía eran confusión y odio hacia mí misma, hacia mi relación tóxica y hacia el amor en general.

And in case you’re wondering whether I repeated my sinful act again: Nope, I didn’t. It was a one-off thing.

There wasn’t a second time or any time after that. The cheating act in itself was not that painful, but coping with it afterward is what breaks you.

So, here are some things that I’ve learned from my cheating experience.

I CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND AND HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM IT

1. “Just forgetting about it” is not on the table

I bet the first thought of every cheater out there is: How do I delete this and how do I get rid of this feeling of guilt and betrayal? (Or, at least, that’s how I felt.)

So, is it possible to simply delete your cheating moment from your history and continue living your life as if nothing happened? No, it’s not.

Even if the act of cheating wasn’t done to purposefully hurt someone, even if you weren’t aware of what you were doing and where things were heading, you still did it.

It’s done. It’s real. And every single action in our life has a reaction, aka consequence.

Aunque decidas destruir todas las pruebas, borrar su número, aplicar alguna magia vudú que reseteará tu conciencia (como en la película Eterno resplandor de una mente sin recuerdos), you still won’t be able to forget about it because you will still have the act of cheating stored in your memory.

Now, you have all the right in the world to act as if nothing happened and wait for the moment of obliviousness to kick in, but speaking from my personal experience, I think that’s mission impossible.

De hecho, cuanto más intentemos suprimir algo y luchar contra ello, más se defenderá para aparecer en la superficie.

Our subconsciousness is a really powerful thing and we simply cannot trick our brain to believe something that’s not true.

And sometimes that’s a good thing because it just shows you that you’re only human after all.

Te enseña a afrontar las consecuencias de tus actos.

2. The guilt will impact your relationship (even if you don’t get caught)

If you’re not a serial cheater, the chances of your partner learning about your infidelity are really low.

I cheated once and didn’t get caught, and for a moment I thought that this is actually a good thing because maybe, somehow magically, I could just forget about it and continue being in a relationship as if nothing happened.

Pero, el sentimiento de culpa y confusión era realmente fuerte dentro de mí.

Así que me encontré disculpándome con mi pareja por las cosas más triviales por las que antes nunca me disculparía.

También empecé a acusarle constantemente de cosas aleatorias que hacía, independientemente de la situación y de si realmente eran dignas de mención.

And then I realized that this wasn’t me but my guilty conscience.

La culpa que llevaba dentro me obligaba a disculparme por cosas triviales porque, al hacerlo, estaba disculpándome inconscientemente por mi infidelidad sin ni siquiera ser consciente de ello.

Locking eyes with your partner also feels really weird because every time you look them in the eye, you feel as if your soul starts to cry, as if you’ve done something so terribly wrong that killed your partner and the relationship you’re still in (even if your relationship died a long time ago).

And you can’t help but constantly analyze everything that happened in the hope that you’ll find a reason to justify your shameful act.

And while you’re constantly lost in your thoughts, you risk your partner noticing it and demanding to know what the hell is going on.

Así que tienes dos opciones:

Continue pretending as if nothing happened – that you’re PMSing or having other female difficulties – or tell them what happened and hope for the best (if you still care about your partner and fixing your broken relationship).

Pero ten en cuenta que, aunque te sinceres, los problemas de confianza persistirán durante mucho tiempo en una relación.

Véase también: 6 comportamientos en las relaciones más perjudiciales que el engaño

3. There’s a reason WHY you did this

Mucha gente piensa que el engaño simplemente ocurre y que la persona que engaña lo hizo a propósito para herir a su pareja o satisfacer sus deseos egoístas.

Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t people like this, but in the majority of cases (and in my case), cheating is an act of trying to fill the void caused by being in an unhappy relationship.

And by saying this, I’m not trying to justify my or any other cheater’s behavior.

I’m just trying to point out that the roots of cheating are much deeper than we think.

There’s a reason why you cheated on your partner and that reason is buried deep down in your heart.

In order to understand things better, you need to think about what has changed in your relationship, what’s missing, and how you feel about all that?

¿Te sientes solo, irrespetado, desapercibido, poco apreciado, indigno de amor?

En mi caso, sentía que faltaba algo en mi relación porque ya no había conversaciones significativas, afecto físico, sorprendernos el uno al otro y todas esas pequeñas cosas que acaban significando mucho.

And even though I tried to explain this to my partner, he wouldn’t want to listen to me, or he agreed but never really did anything about it.

Y esa fue la razón por la que también me retiré y dejé de hacer un esfuerzo en nuestra relación.

That was the reason I cheated. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I wasn’t happy either.

Sentía como si estuviera atrapada en esta horrible pesadilla y lo único que me despertaba de ella por un segundo era mi acto de engaño.

When you realize what the real reason behind your infidelity is, you can make things right by gradually changing things in your relationship, if it’s possible.

If it’s not, then you should think about going separate ways because there’s no point in staying in a relationship that has no perspective or future, that makes you feel genuinely unhappy.

( Ojalá alguien me lo hubiera dicho antes de hacer trampas).

4. Te sentirás como la persona más mierda del mundo

Even if there’s a valid reason for you cheating on your partner, you still feel like the shittiest person in the world.

Why? Because you betrayed their trust and you did something you wouldn’t want your partner or anyone else to do to you.

Even though I was really mad at the whole situation and my ignorant partner, that didn’t help me feel indifferent about my cheating moment.

Me sentía muy triste, confusa y mal conmigo misma, pensando:

How could I’ve done such a thing when my whole life I was preaching the total opposite?

Todo este tiempo apoyé la verdad, el compromiso y las relaciones honestas, sólo para terminar siendo un tramposo.

The worst thing about it all is that even if your partner knows about it all and forgives you, you still can’t forgive yourself.

“The toughest battle you’ll ever fight in your life is the battle within yourself.”

I’ve always been my own biggest critic and that’s one of the reasons why I can’t accept the fact that I let myself do something really stupid.

My biggest critic inside me made me feel like I’m the shittiest person in the world and I didn’t even want my partner to ever forgive me because I would never be able to forgive myself.

Este sentimiento de ser un perdedor se convierte en parte de tu vida diaria.

As you’re walking down the street, you often feel like everyone is pointing fingers at you, reminding you that you’re a cheater, liar, and someone who cannot be trusted.

And it’s not that you aren’t already doing the same to yourself.

It’s not that you’re not reminding yourself of your sinful act from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you fall asleep at night.
Pero, con el tiempo, se hace más fácil.

With time, you accept the fact that you made a mistake (if it can even be called that) and you’re terribly sorry for it, but still this doesn’t change anything.

5. It doesn’t mean that you’ll cheat again

I’m pretty sure that you’re familiar with that famous phrase: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

While there is some truth to it, it still isn’t completely valid and it demands an extensive discussion.

The fact that you cheated on someone once doesn’t mean that you’ve just earned a badge with the name “cheater” that will follow you for the rest of your life.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll cheat on your every future partner.

I can confirm this from the viewpoint of my case. I’ve cheated only once in my whole life and I doubt that I’ll ever repeat it again because:

a) me da mucha pena, y

b) He aprendido una valiosa lección y no pienso volver a hacer lo mismo.

And in my circle of friends, there are plenty of other people who cheated only once and swore that they’d never do the same thing again because now they understand what they ought to do if faced with the same situation.

So, if you’ve just cheated on your boyfriend or if you ever do in the future, know that this doesn’t mean that you’ll repeat it again and that you’ve become the ultimate cheater who’s going to ruin every single one of your future partners’ lives.

It may sound weird, but the only positive thing about my cheating experience is that I’m glad I realized the real weight of it and I’m one hundred percent sure that I won’t do it ever again.

If you realize the same, then you know you’re doing the best you can and you’re not a creep who doesn’t give a damn about how others feel.

6. El engaño afecta a tu comportamiento en futuras citas y relaciones

La culpa es un sentimiento poderoso que puede permanecer presente incluso años después del acto y, en algunos casos, durante toda la vida.

It all depends on how sensitive you are and how you’re coping with the consequences of your actions.

Este cargo de conciencia puede afectar a su comportamiento en citas futuras y las relaciones.

Por ejemplo, si sientes que deberías ser castigada por lo que le hiciste a tu ex, inconscientemente eliges a hombres tóxicos y manipuladores para que te hagan daño, porque sientes que te lo mereces.

Puede que tengas dificultades para encontrar a alguien que te trate bien porque te sientes indigno de su amor, atención y respeto.

And that’s how you may find yourself ending up in another labyrinth of toxic men just because you aren’t able to forgive yourself for your past actions.

Also, you don’t have the strength to tell your potential partners that you were once involved in cheating because you’re afraid of scaring them away and ruining everything before it has even begun.

This dark shadow of “once a cheater” can greatly influence your future love life, but as with every other thing in life: