Cómo la falta de afecto arruina las relaciones (+ cómo recuperarse)
La intimidad es esencial para relación sana. Nevertheless, it’s nothing uncommon to see couples who struggle with lack of affection in their romances.
If this is something you’re dealing with, you know how it feels to crave physical intimacy from the person sleeping next to you. Ironic, isn’t it? Well, it’s also devastating and can be disastrous.
Entonces, ¿por qué falta de afecto incluso en relaciones aparentemente amorosas? ¿Cómo te afecta y, lo que es más importante, qué se puede hacer al respecto?
¿Qué se esconde tras la falta de afecto e intimidad en una relación?
¿Cuándo desaparecieron los mimos, los besos y los abrazos de tu romance? ¿Cuándo dejaron de dormir juntos? Y lo más importante: ¿por qué ocurrió?
Sometimes, you’re loved in a language that you can’t understand
Let’s get one thing straight: different people need different levels of affection to function. It all actually depends on your love language.
I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. Well, one of these five lenguajes del amor es contacto físico. These are the people who prefer to use nonverbal communication to express their feelings instead of literally saying “I love you”.
They won’t tell you they care for you right away. They won’t write you love poems or throw you a romantic surprise every now and then.
Pero aprovecharán cualquier oportunidad para tocar a su ser querido, cogerle de la mano al hablar, abrazarle o besarle al pasar.
Estas personas sienten el impulso de estar constantemente cerca de la persona a la que aman. Esta cercanía les da seguridad, comodidad y satisfacción.
No hay ningún problema cuando se encuentra una pareja con las mismas ganas de besarse, abrazarse y mantener relaciones sexuales. Pero, ¿qué ocurre cuando dos personas que demuestran su amor de formas completamente distintas acaban juntas?
¿Y si su pareja es introvertida? ¿Y si mostrar afecto físico significa salir de su zona de confort?
What if your assumption that they don’t love you is misinformation? So, before accusing your partner of indifference, take this possibility into consideration.
Para empezar, observa atentamente su comportamiento. Expresan su amor por ti a través de otros lenguajes?
Tal vez prefieran hacerte un cumplido o comprarte regalos. Puede que les guste pasar tiempo contigo o que expresen su amor incondicional haciéndote pequeños favores cotidianos.
Si este es el caso, no hay duda: usted y su pareja don’t speak the same love language. Even though this realization alone won’t magically solve your problem, you know what you’re dealing with.
Besides, it’s a start, isn’t it?
El peor tipo de distancia es la emocional
Las personas que están en longitudes de onda similares no tienen problemas mantener viva una relación a distancia a pesar de los kilómetros que los separan. Pero, ¿qué pasa con los que se sientan uno al lado del otro, pero nunca han estado más distantes?
That’s exactly what’s going on with you and your significant other. They’re physically present in your life, but the truth is that you can’t seem to genuinely feel their presence.
It’s like the bond you two once had vanished. Someone or something cut the cords, and now, there you are: two strangers who keep waking up next to each other.
Bien, the lack of physical touch you’re currently struggling with is nothing but a direct consequence of this emotional distance. Ustedes dos se han alejado el uno del otro a lo largo de los años.
Esto es algo a lo que muchas parejas se enfrentan en un determinado momento de su relación. You don’t know when and how it happened, but you admit that you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.
It’s like neither of you is mentally or emotionally present in the relationship. Your thoughts and heart wander elsewhere, as far away as possible from your significant other.
Cuando esto ocurre, el mero intento de intimidad física le repugna o, al menos, le incomoda.
Your SO’s touch used to provide relief after a long day, and now you have a hard time falling asleep next to them, let alone something more.
For some couples, sadly, this is the end of their romantic relationship. They have stopped loving each other, and this is nothing but a sign that it’s time to part ways.
Por otro lado, algunos no lo ven más que como una crisis. Deciden luchar contra ella y poner todo su empeño en recuperar la intimidad perdida.
Habrá que preguntarse cuál es el enfoque correcto. Merece la pena salvar una relación cuando llega a este punto?
Well, nobody can give you the answer to this question – the choice is always yours.
RELACIONADO: 10 señales de que no se esfuerza lo suficiente en su relación
Incluso los sentimientos más fuertes caducan cuando se ignoran y se dan por sentados
Otra razón oculta detrás de esta situación en tu relación es la rutina en la que tú y tu novio o novia caísteis.
You two have been together for ages, and somehow, along the way, both of you stopped nurturing the relationship. It’s like you forgot it needs to be watered and fed as if it were a human being.
Your love still hasn’t vanished, but it definitely is on the path of destruction. For years, nobody has ever done anything to keep it alive, and now you have to deal with the ruins of what once was great love.
Te suena familiar, ¿verdad? Pues sí, Se trata de una situación bastante habitual en las parejas de larga duración que mantienen una relación comprometida.
La conclusión es que habéis empezado a daros el uno al otro por sentado. La fase de noviazgo ya ha pasado; se acabaron las citas y las conquistas.
Así que dejaste de hacerlo. Dejaste de hacer cumplidos, de prestar atención y de dar afecto.
You got used to this person’s presence and you’re sure they’re not going anywhere, no matter what happens. You’ve lost the desire for someone who is always at your arm’s reach.
La pasión ha desaparecido, las mariposas en el vientre están dormidas, pero el hambre de piel está ahí.
You and your spouse are no longer lovers or romantic partners. You might be friends or co-parents, but most of all, you are roommates. You don’t live together – you coexist next to each other.
¿Cómo se arregla?
¿Qué pasó con todos esos fuegos artificiales del principio de vuestro romance? Bueno, ustedes dos los apagaron con fuerzas conjuntas.
Nevertheless, I’m not here to judge you. Trust me: it happens to the best as well.
But, now that you’re aware of the problem, it’s time to get into action. Revive the spark in your romance and see it go back to its golden era.
The person you’re trying to reach is emotionally unavailable at this time. Please try again later
¿Ha sido todo esto un problema desde el principio? ¿Es posible que no sea la primera vez que ocurre? ¿Estabas tan cegado por el amor que no te diste cuenta?
Is it possible that you pretended it didn’t bother you back then? But now, you’ve reached a pointwhere you’ve had enough?
In that case, you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable pareja con problemas de intimidad. Or, maybe they’re just self-centered to the point where they consciously refuse to love anyone but themselves.
To get one thing straight, they’ve been like this forever, and they’ll probably keep their behavioral patterns for as long as they breathe.
Pero, probablemente pensaste que podrías cambiarlos con el tiempo. Estabas convencido de que tenías lo que hacía falta para abrir su corazón al amor.
You ignored all the red flags and you thought you’d haz que se enamoren de ti. It’s not like you failed to see that they were incapable of loving – you just kept your hopes up that things would turn out differently.
Soñabas con derribar sus muros. Ansiabas que un día te dejaran entrar y se ablandaran.
Sin embargo, eso nunca ocurrió, ¿verdad? Se volvieron aún más inasequibles emocionalmente cuando se dieron cuenta de que estabas allí y de que no tenías intención de dejarles.
¿Cómo se arregla?
If this is something you can relate to, you don’t have many options left. Whatever happens, you have to forget about tu amor cambiándolas. Si eso hubiera podido ocurrir, lo habría hecho hasta ahora. Cuando me di cuenta de que he doesn’t love me (mi ex), decidí seguir adelante inmediatamente.
Por lo tanto, puedes aceptar la situación o abandonarla. Puedes condenarte a una vida sin amor junto a ellos o continuar por tu cuenta.
Puede permanecer en este relación unilateral o puedes seguir adelante con la esperanza de encontrar a quien te mereces.
I won’t lie to you: in both cases, you’ll break your own heart, but only one option will turn your entire life into a dark tunnel without the light at the end of it.
La forma en que alguien te responde puede no tener nada que ver contigo.
Cuando algo falla en nuestro romance, tendemos a culparnos a nosotros mismos.
If you’re touch-deprived, you’ll immediately see this as the end of the world. Has the love between you and your partner disappeared?
En tu relación llega a su fecha de caducidad? ¿Son infieles? ¿Tienen una aventura emocional? ¿Ya no eres atractiva?
Pero.., have you ever wondered if maybe your partner isn’t affectionate due to some other problem completely unrelated to your relationship? Is it possible that something outside of your romance is going wrong?
Adult life does this to people. We’re all busy, running between errands and responsibilities.
Maybe, your SO is dealing with some mental health issues; maybe they’re depressed or are just going through a stressful period. Either way, it’s more than obvious that they’re bothered with something.
Therefore, showing you affection simply isn’t the primary thing on their mind right now.
¿Cómo se arregla?
Even though this reason seems quite benign, it’s still not the best news in the world. You see, if your partner is going through a rough patch, but you know nothing about it, you still have a problem.
This time, we’re not talking about touch-deprivation only. It’s clear that you two have some communication issues.
That’s why you have to start working on the cause before dealing with the consequences. Talk to your SO, regain their trust, and make them realize they can tell you everything.
Don’t judge them, but carefully listen to whatever they have to say. Don’t pressure them either unless you want to scare them off.
Vosotros dos deberíais recrear el entorno seguro en la relación. En el momento en que consigas este difícil objetivo, vuestra comunicación mejorará y el afecto físico hará su gran reaparición.
Véase también: 13 cosas que debes recordar cuando salgas con una persona poco afectuosa
¿Cómo puede afectarle la falta de afecto de su marido o mujer?
You’re a social being, and whether you’re aware of that or not, you need human touch as you need air to breathe. You especially need it from your partner – the person you see as your soulmate.
So, what happens when you’re deprived of physical contact with them? Well, it has to leave some consequences on you, doesn’t it?
If stress burned calories, you’d be a supermodel
Skin hunger and lack of human contact in general lead to stress – there is no doubt about that. Lonely people are more frequently frustrated and discontent with their lives.
Así que imagínate lo que te puede hacer sentirte solo mientras estás físicamente al lado de tu ser querido. Te enfada, te hace infeliz y miserable.
Te apetece discutir con todo el que se cruza en tu camino, tienes tolerancia cero a cualquier tipo de desacuerdo, y podrías morder literalmente a todo el que utiliza un tono incorrecto contigo, por no hablar de otra cosa.
The worst part is that, in most cases, it takes you awhile to understand what’s going on with you. You see that something is off, but you have a hard time figuring the cause of all of this stress.
Así que, en lugar de trabajar en la causa, this amount of stress stresses you even more, and before you know it, you’re trapped in an endless, vicious cycle that you see no way out of.
Your mood shifts dozens of times during the day, your relationships with friends and family get into crises, and you end up in some kind of social isolation because if the truth is told, you’re not good company for anyone.
Toda tu vida empieza a desmoronarse. Lo más desastroso es que la relación que mantienes contigo mismo también parece tambalearse.
La verdad es que últimamente te cuesta soportarte. Toda esta situación ha hecho mella en tu salud mental.
You become more and more anxious, and it’s like you fail to see that you’re in desperate need of something so simple as your loved one’s affection. Of course, you’re not getting any, so your condition worsens.
Please remember one thing: nothing and nobody is worthy of your mental health. Put yourself as a priority and put an effort into making yourself happy if you can’t fix your relationship.
You’re no longer comfortable in your own skin
Lack of physical contact in a romantic relationship brings numerous self-esteem problems. It’s actually pretty logical.
The person you share your life with doesn’t kiss you, doesn’t hold you in their arms, doesn’t hug you, and ultimately, doesn’t sleep with you. So, who could blame you for concluding that they find you repulsive?
You’re convinced that your partner no longer sees you as attractive. The first thing you do is start looking for flaws in your body.
¿Ha engordado? ¿O tal vez has perdido un kilo de más? ¿Deberías hacer algo diferente con tu pelo? ¿Te ayudaría ir al gimnasio? ¿O cambiar de perfume?
You start comparing yourself to all other men and women – especially to those near your SO. You picture your partner admiring everyone’s looks and then realizing that you are the worst choice they could have ever made.
Y no sólo eso: también te comparas con la persona que eras al principio de vuestro romance. Al fin y al cabo, esa es la persona de la que se enamoró tu pareja, así que el camino hacia su corazón es volver a ser tú mismo de joven.
El mayor problema es que estos problemas de autoestima te acompañan incluso si la relación se rompe. Se convierten en una pesada carga que arrastrarás en todos tus futuros romances.
Creas problemas que te persiguen durante mucho tiempo. Cuando empiezas a sentirte incómodo en tu propia piel, tu imagen corporal cambia para siempre.
It takes you a long time to understand that you’re gorgeous just the way you are, and it takes you a long time to acepta tus imperfecciones.
But, it takes you the longest time to realize that your physical appearance had nothing to do with touch deprivation. When you’re in a healthy relationship, your loved one will love you back no matter how you look – that’s the whole point.
Loneliness is not a lack of company – it’s a lack of purpose
University of Arizona Professor, Kory Floyd, says: “Touch, in particular, is so important, not only to relationships, human connection, and human attachment, but also to our health and well-being, both physically and mentally.”
Therefore, it’s No es de extrañar que la falta de intimidad y la privación de contacto provoquen un déficit de oxitocina, la hormona del amor.
Consequently, depression starts to crawl into your world. Even though you’re not physically and technically alone, you’re very much lonely.
You have a romantic partner, but most of the time, you feel like you’re single. You feel unloved and unwanted, which can’t be pleasing for anyone.
It’s not that your relationship is the only thing falling apart here – your entire life is. You think that all of your efforts are in vain and like you have lost all purpose in this world.
¿Qué puede hacer al respecto?
Well, you haven’t! Even if the person next to you has stopped loving you, you must never stop loving yourself.
I know that you’re lonely. Yes, it sucks. But, hey, you still have yourself, and who can be more important than that?
¿Cómo salvar una relación carente de afecto?
La mejor noticia es que no todo está perdido. Una relación privada de tacto puede salvarse, y aquí tienes exactamente cómo hacerlo.
If love isn’t given freely to you, it isn’t worth having
El error número uno que la gente comete en las relaciones carentes de afecto es mendigando atención. Empiezan persiguiendo el amor en intentos desesperados por atraparlo.
There is nothing unusual about this. You get scared that you’re losing the person you love, and you want to hold them next to you as tightly as possible.
Pero.., ¿merece la pena tener el amor que persigues? Según todos consejos sobre relaciones, it definitely isn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should sit arms crossed and not move a finger. Don’t let pride ruin your love.
Nevertheless, don’t forget about your dignity either. It’s one thing to ask your partner to talk about your problem, but begging them down on your knees is something completely different.
Mira, you can’t force anyone to be affectionate the same way you can’t force anyone to love you.
You can do your best to find a compromise regarding this issue, and you can be open about what’s bothering you and hope for the best. Everything else is pretty much outside of your reach.
No tiene sentido devolver el favor
Another thing you shouldn’t be doing is getting even. I know that you want to boost your ego by giving your partner a taste of their own medicine, but trust me: it’s not the way to go. Besides being immature, it won’t get you anywhere.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your SO was depriving you of physical affection for awhile, so now that they are trying to get closer to you, you’re not letting them in.
You avoid their cuddles, kisses, and hugs despite the skin hunger that’s overwhelming you.
You’re actually punishing them for their behavior. This is your revenge – you don’t plan on running to them every time they remember to show affection.
Even though I get your point of view, the better choice is to let them slide this time. If you don’t, then the abyss between you two will only become deeper.
Para terminar:
Lack of affection in a relationship is a big deal – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nevertheless, it’s crucial to understand that the lack of physical contact is actually, in most cases, just a consequence of a deeper problem.
But, the good news is that things don’t have to always remain like this. This problem can be solved and your relationship can be saved.
Sólo hay una condición: tanto tú como tu pareja tenéis que unir fuerzas para arreglar las cosas.
