A mi futuro marido, siento castigarte por cosas que nunca me harías a mí

You are everything that I’ve always wanted and now that I have you I’m terrified that I’ll lose you. I’m afraid you will figure out that you are better than me.

I’m afraid that at some point you will realize I am so damaged I can’t be loved.

Even though you are everything I have ever wanted, I clearly didn’t think I deserved someone like you; the evidence lies in the trail of tears I’ve wasted on men who’ve made me feel like I was nothing.

The number of times I’ve allowed myself to play second fiddle when I wanted to be a soloist.

Dije que quería un hombre como tú, pero luego dejé que hombres ni siquiera dignos de ser mencionados en tu presencia me despojaran de mi autoestima, hasta el punto de pensar que necesitaba su amor para hacer... me sentirse digno.

So now I have you… this amazing human with a soul as beautiful as your smile… and deep down, I hate to admit it (even to myself), but I must think I don’t deserve you.

Why else would I fight with you when I know I’m wrong?  Push you away when I want you close? And believe me, I want you close.

I want it more than I can even express, so I challenge you to leave me to prove that you won’t.

And I know it’s not fair to you, you’re the best thing that I have ever had and I show you that by being an irrational, difficult and all-around pain in the ass.

I’m sorry I make it so hard. I’m sorry I make you jump through hoops. I’m sorry that even though I want to… I don’t know how to trust you.

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to let you love me. I have never been loved like this before – unconditionallytotalmente y sin reservas ni estipulaciones.

I’m sorry that I’m mean when I miss you. I don’t want to be. I wish I could explain how missing you turn into anger toward you.

I think it’s because I’m mad at you for making me love you so much that being away from you physically hurts me and I lash out when things hurt.

This love that we have. The kind of love I dreamed about, but never in a million years thought I would find. It’s scarier than I imagined.

It’s wonderful and beautiful and all of the things it’s supposed to be that make it seem like magic. Pero con ello viene este miedo.

This fear that it will all disappear. That I will wake up and find the man of my dreams… was just that, a dream. And so I pinch you to make sure you’re real.

I test you to make sure you won’t leave me. Every day you prove that you are all of the things. Every day you find new and wonderful ways to show me that your love is mine, and mine alone.

I didn’t know lo roto que estaba hasta que empezaste a juntar todas las piezas.

Te mereces algo mejor que esto. Te mereces el mismo amor incondicional y el apoyo que tú das. You deserve all of the things…

Así que si sigues siendo paciente, y continúas queriéndome como lo haces, seré mejor para ti.

I will find a way to overcome the wounds that you didn’t inflict to be the woman I know you see when you look at me.

Your love has opened my eyes to a future that has never looked so bright and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life showing you how much that means to me.

por Tia Grace