¿Por qué todo el mundo se siente con derecho a decir a las madres primerizas cómo deben educar a sus hijos?
You must’ve experienced a mom-shaming yourself. I had no idea it even existed until I became a mom. At the very same moment, todo el mundo empezó a decirme lo que tenía que hacer.
It was at a barbecue party that my parents organized to celebrate my dad’s birthday.
– “I’ll take him, you should get some rest”dijo mi prima, y yo, agradecida, le entregué a mi hijo de tres meses. Pero en cuanto lo cogió, el bebé empezó a llorar.
Lo llevé de vuelta y volvió a estar tranquilo. Mi primo parecía un poco insultado y me dijo:
– “He would have come down.”
Me obligué a sonreír y respondí:
– “He doesn’t like to be held by anyone but me.”
Me dio una lección delante de todos:
– “You’re making the big mistake to comfort him as soon as he starts crying. He was just fine.”
Temblaba y sentía malestar. Mi confianza en mí mismo desapareció.
¿Y si me equivocaba?
Sentía que todo el mundo me miraba a mí, la madre incapaz. I couldn’t take it any longer, apologized to my parents, took my son, and left home.
This is quite common, when you’re a new mom everyone feels entitled to give you advice and hacer comentarios sobre tus decisiones como padre.
It happens to many women, suddenly you’re flooded with everyone’s opinions and judgments on your parenting style.
La vergüenza de ser madre empieza en cuanto te quedas embarazada
First, they feel it’s ok to make comments about your weight. Then they keep asking you about the due date. When the baby is born they ask about their weight and height and then compare it to their children’s.
A continuación, se obtiene una ráfaga de evaluaciones que parecen preguntas pero que en realidad son afirmaciones sobre tus errores. A medida que el bebé crece, tienes aún más:
“Baby needs to sleep alone in his bed, you will make him too dependent on you.”
“Is he cold?”
“Maybe he’s hungry?”
“Maybe he’s thirsty.”
“Do you breastfeed? Why not? I breastfed my kids until they were two. You have no idea how crucial it is for their development and well-being.”
“Maybe you’re low on milk, he looks skinny. Why don’t you supplement with formula.”
“He must get used to staying with someone else. You need to get out of the house sometimes.”
“Oh, you do? We don’t allow that in our house?”
“I would never let my baby cry herself out until she falls asleep. That’s inhumane!”
“Oh, just let him eat if he likes it. Kids love sweets.“
“If you just do it like this, your kid would have no choice but to do what you’re asking.”
“He’s still wearing diapers? I potty trained my kids when they were one year old.”
“He needs to socialize, why are you being overprotective?”
“I can’t believe you’re allowing him to watch TV? Screens are a no-no.”
“What kind of mother lets her kids play in the dust?”
“Sleeping was never an issue for us. Probably because we did it right at the beginning.”
“Have you tried bouncer? It worked miracles for us.”
“I promised myself when I become a mom I will never do that.”
I was overwhelmed with an excessive amount of advice that I didn’t ask for. It felt like I was wearing a huge sign above my head:
“I’m a mom, please come to tell me what I should do! Please judge me if I do things differently than you and feel free to give me your opinion. I know you know better than me.”
Sentía que alguien intentaba constantemente enmendar mis actos y anular mis decisiones. Entonces, la paternidad me ayudó a aprender:
Tienes que creer en ti mismo
Mi principal problema era la inseguridad. Además, era tan se centraba en evitar los conflictos y me resultaba muy difícil poner límites. No podía decirle a la gente “Ok, thanks, but I didn’t ask for your advice.” That’s why I often felt like I was doing it all wrong.
I doubted myself, and my parenting skills. I was scared I would spoil my son…
Después de un par de años, adquirí más confianza para poder soportar todas esas críticas y juicios. I started following my intuition and I realized I KNOW what’s best for my child. Of course, I make mistakes sometimes, but who doesn’t?
Mistakes are there to help us become better parents. Those who understand their children’s unique personality traits and know how to satisfy their needs.
Now that my boy has started school and I have a few years of parenting experience, I’m telling you, hay tantas formas y estilos diferentes de criar a los hijos and they all could give amazing results. It’s up to you to decide!
Tú eliges lo que funciona para ti y para tus hijos. It’s not like one-size-fits-all. We are all different and so are our kids. We can assess what’s best for them according to our experiences and we know what will make them respond.
I still don’t understand why people feel the urge to share their opinions sobre cuándo hay que enseñar a los niños a ir al baño, cuánto tiempo hay que darles el pecho, qué deben comer y cómo deben comportarse.
When I’m talking to a new parent I try to share my experience only if they ask me for advice. I don’t “teach” them how to handle their kids.
Y la próxima vez que alguien intente darte un consejo de paternidad no deseado, enséñale este vídeo:
