Una causa muy común de las relaciones insanas es la codependencia. El problema de la codependencia es que no es fácil de detectar. A menudo las personas parecen no estar dispuestas a admitir que la padecen o no reconocen los síntomas. La mejor manera de empezar es determinar qué es realmente la codependencia.

“It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” MHA

Me topé con estas líneas por casualidad y luego empecé a investigar más a fondo. Me di cuenta de que yo también había sido codependiente una vez y, si lo hubiera sabido, habría sido mucho más fácil superarlo.

Algunos de los principales síntomas estaban ahí: Estaba en una relación tóxica. Estaba demasiado indecisa. Me sentía muy cohibida e insegura. Sentía que era mi responsabilidad ayudarle a afrontar sus problemas. Descuidaba totalmente mi vida por el amor que sentía por él.

It was all about him. I was non-existent in that relationship and I didn’t mind. My only goal was to meet his needs. To make him happy. To see him. To obsess over where he was and what he was doing.

Aguanté mucho. Era abusivo. Siempre me menospreciaba, me insultaba. Siempre era el rey del castillo y yo su humilde sirviente. Esa habría sido la imagen apropiada de mí en aquel entonces.

I tolerated it all till the point that he became physically aggressive. I am ashamed to admit that I also put up with that for some time, until I realized that I was on a road that would destroy me. I had to admit to myself that I was better off without him, but it’s hard for an addict to to give up on their addiction.

It took me a while but I managed. It’s a bit funny when I look back at it now but I actually felt like I put myself through the recovery process of overcoming codependency. The first step of admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part of that but then it all gets a bit easier.

That’s why I wanted to share with you the most usual signs that you are in a codependent relationship and to give you some advice on how to overcome it.

1. Sus necesidades son lo primero y tú ignoras las tuyas.

Te preocupas constantemente por lo que le gusta o no le gusta. Si haces esto o aquello, ¿lo aprobaría? Pospones tus intereses, sueños y deseos para adaptarlos a sus necesidades y preferencias. Empiezas a perder el sentido de ti misma al amarle.

En primer lugar, tienes que darte cuenta de que en una relación sana, los miembros de la pareja son iguales y no es necesario hacer grandes sacrificios ni perderte a ti mismo en el proceso de amar a otra persona. Tienes que tomar tu vida en tus propias manos y tienes que ser la persona más importante de tu vida. Sólo cuando empieces a hacerlo tendrás una relación feliz y sana.

 

2. Te sientes responsable de su comportamiento o sus emociones.

He’s had a bad day and he takes it out on you. It had nothing to do with you yet you still feel responsible. You start asking yourself if it was something that you’d said or done and you automatically put the burden of guilt on your shoulders.

You are not God and you can’t control other people’s behaviors or emotions or lack of them. If somebody snaps at you for no reason, don’t jump to conclusions and blame yourself. It is something that is up to the other person to deal with on their own. By focusing on him, you lose track of your own feelings and that’s something you have to change. Focus on yourself.

3. Confundes amor y obsesión.

You constantly wonder what your partner is doing when he is not around, whom he follows on social media, what he thinks about when he is silent and gloomy and says everything’s OK. You overthink every move he makes. You would like to have insights into his mind and emotions. That’s obsession, not love.

Love is trust and giving space to one another. Love doesn’t control or obsess. You have to realize you are on the wrong path that will only leave you miserable. You have to make a change. You need to have a bit of faith in yourself to be able to trust your partner. If you are with the wrong partner, this advice will help you in your future relationships.

4. Te trata mal y sigues tolerándolo.

He is abusing you. Sometimes physically but usually emotionally because it’s harder to detect. He hurts you by using words. He manipulates you and makes you feel like you are not enough. He uses your insecurities against you. Your compassion and feelings for him are making you stay.

Nunca toleres que te traten mal. Lo mejor que puedes hacer es marcharte sin mirar atrás. Puede que no sea fácil, pero merecerá la pena, te lo garantizo.

5. Te preocupas demasiado por cosas que escapan a tu control.

Por muy complaciente que seas, te gustaría poder controlar cualquier situación y el resultado. Te gustaría librarle de cualquier mala situación. Te pasas las noches dándole vueltas y preocupándote por todo menos por ti. El resultado es que te estresas.

What is important here is to realize that not everything is in your hands. Life doesn’t always go smoothly, it has its ups and downs. You won’t be able to prevent him from worrying about them in advance. You have to take things as they come and deal with them then.

6. Tú eres quien lo da todo.

Cuidar de él es lo que haces. Sigues dando sin recibir nada a cambio. Después, te sientes enfadado, resentido o aprovechado. A veces, ayudar y cuidar a los demás te hace sentir necesitado y eso te gusta, y otras veces te hace sentir enfadado y agotado. Pero la mayoría de las veces no dices nada al respecto y te lo guardas todo dentro.

This behavior is just going to make you insane sooner or later. You have to take care of yourself first. You shouldn’t feel like giving your best is a burden. Of course, it will be if your efforts are not reciprocated. You need to discover self-love and then find a man who will be willing to invest in a relationship as much as you do.