Se pone a la defensiva cuando le digo lo que siento (12 cosas que hay que hacer)

La semana pasada, mi amiga me invitó a quedar porque quería hablar conmigo.

En realidad, necesitaba consejos sobre relaciones porque estaba a un paso de romper con su novio, al que quiere sinceramente.

I asked her what the problem was and she said, “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel and I just can’t put up with it anymore.”

Ahora, la razón por la que me pidió consejo es porque una vez traté con un hombre a la defensiva y ella lo sabe.

Ese hombre es ahora mi marido, y aunque requirió mucho trabajo y esfuerzo por ambas partes, conseguimos superar ese comportamiento defensivo, y ahora funcionamos mejor que nunca.

Cuando empezamos a salir, sabía que me enfrentaba a un hombre emocionalmente cerrado a cierto nivel, pero pensé que sería capaz de abrirse una vez que nos conociéramos mejor.

However, that change didn’t happen so easily.

You know, it’s a very difficult situation. You love someone and you’re convinced that person loves you, too, but still, they build a huge wall between you and don’t allow you to come too near to them.

Tu ser querido te pone trabas y se encierra en sí mismo y tú te quedas ahí, sintiéndote impotente para hacer algo al respecto.

It seems like you’re walking on eggshells around him and it’s deeply ruining your mental health.

It’s simply a feeling I would never wish anyone to feel, not even my worst enemy. You’re aware that your la relación se desmorona y simplemente te sientes impotente para afrontarlo.

“He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel” – 14 Ways To Cope With It

I want to share with you these little things that helped me deal with my defensive man. I hope they’ll be helpful to you, too, just as they were to me.

Así que, si quieres llegar a tu hombre y salvar vuestra relación, sigue leyendo a continuación.

Más despacio

Si de repente se puso a la defensiva cuando le confesaste tus sentimientos, entonces definitivamente necesitas frenar porque tal vez, él piensa que las cosas van demasiado deprisa and isn’t feeling comfortable about it.

Okay, you dropped the ball here, but it’s definitely a fixable situation.

Sólo tenéis que admitir que todo ha sido demasiado pronto y que deberíais conoceros mejor antes de volver a hablar de vuestros sentimientos.

Keep in mind that his defensiveness doesn’t mean that he has rejected you. It may mean so many things, but in most cases, a man behaves defensively when he doesn’t feel ready to talk about his feelings.

Para resolver el problema, hay que encontrar la causa de su respuesta defensiva.

So, the first step to solving that defensive barrier your man has put between you is to find the main cause of his defensive behavior. You need to conclude what triggers it before you’re able to fix it.

Una vez que te des cuenta de la causa de su comportamiento, te resultará mucho más fácil encontrar la manera de solucionarlo. Este es el primer paso hacia salvar su relación.

Sé comprensivo

You have to show understanding to your man, especially if you’re in una relación a distancia. It’s particularly difficult to hacer que funcione una relación a distancia con un compañero defensivo.

However, you need to show him that you’re there for him no matter what. Prove to him that even though you don’t always understand his reasons for some of his actions, you’ll always support him.

Don’t judge him

Recuerda que debes ser menos crítico y más comprensivo y paciente si quieres derribar los muros de tu relación.

I know this is a very difficult situation for you because you try really hard, but you can’t understand why your partner is behaving so defensively. I was you once, and trust me, I know how much it hurts.

However, even though you don’t understand him, sometimes you must behave as you do and don’t judge him.

One day, when you overcome all of this and you manage to get your man to open up, you’ll be glad you didn’t give up on him.

Deja de dar la lata todo el tiempo

Understand this; just as you can’t make someone love you, you can’t also make them say it to you.

And, you shouldn’t because that is something they need to do themselves and only because they feel the need to confess it to you.

Forcing it and nagging about it all the time won’t do you any good. Also, you need to understand that there are some people who can’t open up easily.

Your man is probably one of them, and that’s why you need to have a gentle approach with him.

Si quieres hablar de algo que te molesta, intenta trabajarlo a través de una conversación sana, e intenta comprender si él se niega a hablar de ello en ese momento.

Si no, al cabo de un tiempo, tu hombre se cansará de tu comportamiento, lo que probablemente conducirá a una ruptura.

Confront him, but…

Sé que su actitud defensiva te molesta y tienes todo el derecho a enfrentarte a él por ello. Habla con tu novio a la defensiva porque todo puede resolverse mediante una comunicación honesta y sana.

Ask him to explain to you why he’s being so defensive to you every time you start talking about your feelings.

If he honestly cares for you, he won’t allow you to wonder about it anymore and suffer because of his behavior.

He’ll be direct and honest with you and explain the reasons for his behavior. Afterward, you should try to achieve a compromise and work on ways that can help you overcome this issue.

Don’t say things out of anger that you may regret afterward

Lo más seguro es que su comportamiento te cabree muy a menudo, pero intenta controlarte en esas situaciones.

Don’t allow yourself to say some things in those anger outbursts and tantrums that you’ll probably regret later.

Cada vez que él se ponga a la defensiva, tú también deberías retirarte. Piensa en la relación que tienes contigo misma y en cómo esto la está dañando y también perjudicando tu salud mental.

Pull back for a little while. Have a wellness day, do something that usually calms you down, or hang out with your best friends. That’s always the best therapy for every love sorrow.

Adviértele que su actitud defensiva está arruinando vuestra relación.

Cuando te enfrentes a él por su comportamiento, debes hacer hincapié en todas las malas consecuencias que tiene para vuestra relación.

Also, tell him that you’re worried that it’s damaging your relationship to the point it won’t be easily repairable.

Tell him that you’ve even been thinking about a breakup because you just can’t put up with it anymore.

Eso probablemente le hará cambiar su comportamiento, por supuesto, si te quiere y quiere mantenerte en su vida.

Depongan todas sus armas

No, you aren’t surrendering, but there is definitely no need for weapons. This is not a war, and your relationship is surely not a battlefield.

Lo que ocurre es que hay que saber cuándo dar marcha atrás en la relación y dejar espacio a la persona amada.

This is definitely one of those moments. You shouldn’t make too much drama about it. The thing your partner needs the most right now is understanding.

Neutralizar la amenaza

Una vez descubierta la causa de su comportamiento, hay que trabajar para neutralizarla. Entonces, ¿qué significa esto exactamente?

Por ejemplo, si tu hombre se comporta a la defensiva debido a las cicatrices de su relación pasada que aún le duelen y le persiguen, tienes que ayudarle a curarse de ellas y demostrarle que nunca le harías algo así.

La semana pasada, mi marido volvió a comportarse a la defensiva después de tantos años y me enfrenté a él inmediatamente.

He said that it’s all in my head, but last night, he admitted that it was because he has put on a little weight and was worried that I don’t like him anymore and that I would probably leave him sooner or later.

To be honest, it hurt my feelings because it made me feel that he still doesn’t know me well or that he doesn’t believe in my feelings for him.

But, I tried not to be judgemental, and I didn’t mention anything about it.

The threat I had to neutralize was his low self-esteem, so I immediately arranged a meeting with a nutrition coach and asked him to give us a diet plan. Yes, you’ve read it well, I’m on a diet now, too.

That was the best way to show him that he’ll always have my support in everything.

Also, I started to compliment him more often just to show him that in my eyes, he’s the most beautiful and gorgeous man in the entire world.

Que hable cuando se sienta preparado

Ya he dicho que nunca hay que forzar nada, especialmente cuando se trata de relaciones románticas y de expresar sentimientos. Tienes que dejar que lo haga él mismo cuando se sienta completamente preparado para dar ese paso.

If he has stayed with you after you have confessed you love him, that means he loves you, too, but isn’t ready to say it or doesn’t know how to tell it to you.

If things were the other way around, if he doesn’t feel the same for you, he would leave after your confession.

A veces, los hombres necesitan un poco más de tiempo que nosotras para aceptar sus sentimientos y decirlos en voz alta.

La terapia de pareja ayudaría seguro

Unfortunately, he probably isn’t even aware of how his defensiveness affects you and your relationship.

That’s why the best thing would be to confront him about it and warn him of all the bad consequences it has for your relationship.

Couples therapy saved my relationship, and I’m almost completely sure it would help you save yours. Now, you just have to talk your man into it and find the best couples counseling.

I’m sure you’ll both benefit from it and your relationship will start blooming again.

11 posibles causas de su comportamiento defensivo

As you already saw, the first thing you need to do is find the root cause for your partner’s defensiveness. Find what triggers his defensive behavior so you can help him overcome it.

Reacción impulsiva

Lo cierto (y lamentable) es que la mayoría de los hombres tienen miedo al amor y al compromiso.

If you’ve admitted to him that you love him and he immediately got defensive, it’s probably just an impulsive reaction.

Perhaps he does feel the same for you, but he isn’t ready to accept and acknowledge his feelings. He is aware that it would lead to a more serious relationship, and he probably isn’t ready for that yet.

His defensive behavior shouldn’t make you break up with him immediately. Give him some time and you’ll see that he’ll reach out and ask you to talk about what happened.

He’s suffering from low self-esteem

Hombres con baja autoestima are, in general, emotionally closed-off. It’s particularly difficult for them to maintain a healthy relationship with someone.

Sienten que sus defectos e imperfecciones les hacen indignos de ser amados.

That’s why you need to show him that you also have imperfections, and teach him to embrace those not so good sides of himself instead of allowing them to undermine his self-confidence.

Los hombres con baja autoestima buscan constantemente la aprobación y validación de sus seres queridos. Intentando ser comprensivo con sus traumas es la mejor manera de ayudarle en este momento.

Fue herido antes

Another cause of his defensive behavior can also be his emotional scars from his past relationship. If you’ve already talked about your past, then you can tell if this is the case for your man’s behavior.

Esto significa que tienes que ayudarle a superar sus sentimientos heridos y lidiar con su carga emocional del pasado.

This isn’t something that can be done overnight, so take a deep breath and arm yourself with patience because you’ll definitely need it.

También tienes que demostrarle que tus sentimientos por él son reales y sinceros, y que nunca harías algo que pudiera herirle a propósito.

Long story short, you need to prove to him that you aren’t like his ex and will never be.

Or, he simply doesn’t want to hurt you

Maybe all of this seems just a little too soon to your man. He probably has some feelings for you, but he doesn’t have enough time to define them yet.

Your boyfriend probably still isn’t sure that he loves you and simply doesn’t want to lie to you. Give him time to sort out his feelings and I’m sure he’ll reach out sooner than you think.

I also want to tell you that we all should learn from our own mistakes. I shouldn’t be the one who admits my feelings first to my then-boyfriend-now-husband in the first place.

Y esto también va por ti. Aprendí que las mujeres siempre deben esperar y dejar que sus parejas admitan primero sus sentimientos.

Unfortunately, that may be a red flag that he doesn’t love you

If your boyfriend builds a wall between you every time you try to talk about feelings and things that are bothering you in your relationship, it’s a possible red flag that he doesn’t love you the same way you love him.

He probably cares for you, and the only reason he is doing this is because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Quizá sólo quiera estar completamente seguro de sus sentimientos antes de confesártelos.
It actually isn’t a bad thing.

It might mean that he’s falling in love with you and that very soon, he’ll be able to say those five little words out loud, “I’m in love with you.” However, until that moment comes, you’ll have to be very patient.

He’s simply a vulnerable man…

If you also have the problem with the “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel” issue, perhaps you’re simply dealing with an emotionally vulnerable man.

He’s just using his defensiveness as a defense mechanism to cope with hurt feelings. The barrier he built between you is actually his protection in case you want to hurt him in any way.

He’ll always feel unsure about your relationship because that fear of you getting his heart broken will always be present.

It’ll be particularly difficult for him to start trusting you, and we all know that there is no love where there is no trust.

RELACIONADO: Estar con un hombre que no tema mostrarte su lado vulnerable

O, tal vez incluso un hombre emocionalmente no disponible

Oh, if this is the case with your man, it’ll be extremely difficult to overcome his defensive behavior. However, it’s possible, but you’ll both have to work very hard for it.

Hombres emocionalmente no disponibles never want to speak about their feelings. They keep everything bottled up inside, and it’s pretty difficult to get through to them and make them open up to you.

He won’t be comfortable when you speak about your own feelings either because he just doesn’t know how to respond to it.

You’ll never be able to build that emotional intimacy that is truly essential for a healthy relationship.

Necesita más tiempo para procesar tus sentimientos y los suyos.

The fact is that men aren’t that open when it comes to talking about emotions and things like that. They need more time to be able to connect with their partners on that emotional level.

The only thing you can do in this situation is leave him alone. A little bit of quiet time will do him good because he’ll be able to reconsider your relationship and sort out his feelings.

Perhaps you came out with your confession of feelings too soon and he simply didn’t expect it yet and don’t know how to respond to this situation.

Si es así, este tiempo de tranquilidad también le vendrá bien porque el amor es una emoción muy seria y hay que procesarla con mucho cuidado.

Tiene poca capacidad de comunicación

We’re all aware of the importance of healthy communication for a successful relationship, and if your man lacks communication skills, it’s definitely a reason for his defensiveness.

He probably does love you, but he simply doesn’t know how to express those feelings to you. The thing is that he doesn’t want to disappoint you because he thinks that a simple ‘I’m in love with you’ isn’t enough.

Por supuesto, debes trabajar para mejorar la comunicación en tu relación. Tienes que conseguir que tu hombre se abra a ti y hable con su hombre más eficazmente.

Sin embargo, también debes darle tiempo a tu hombre para que te demuestre su amor con hechos.

Perhaps he’s a man of action and simply believes that words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up with actions...lo cual es realmente correcto.

Maybe you’re simply dealing with a narcissist

Recuerdo que hablé con una de mis amigas sobre los problemas que estaba teniendo con mi novio y cómo se pone a la defensiva cuando le digo lo que siento, y ella inmediatamente dijo que estaba tratando con un narcisista.

Realmente me parece que se ha vuelto bastante normal llamar a alguien narcisista en estos días. Me sugirió que pusiera fin a esa relación inmediatamente.

Bueno, sólo me hizo decidir terminar nuestra amistad.

Even if my husband, then boyfriend, was a narcissist, I couldn’t let him go just so. Honestly, I could never let go of someone I love no matter what.

I know it’s wrong to try to change someone, but I would simply try to point out to him how his narcissistic behavior is ruining every relationship in his life.

If you’ve noticed that your man has rasgos narcisistas, that’s actually what you should do.

Don’t give up on a person you love. He can change his narcissistic behavior and he will do it for your love. You just have to be there for him and support him along the way.

El problema también puede estar en ti

You need to understand that you can’t build that emotional connection immediately after you start dating. If you try to do it, your man will probably build a defensive barrier between you.

This doesn’t mean that it’s too hard to connect with a man on a deeper emotional level. The fact is that it only requires more time.

Si quieres hablar de las cosas que te molestan, deberías pedirle quedar para hablar de ello.

Don’t try to do it over social media or text messages because these kinds of things really need to be discussed face to face.

Before you start talking about your feelings, you must first take some time to get to know each other better. That’s the only way you’ll have a healthy relationship.

Conclusión

I think the sentence my psychotherapist has heard like a thousand times is, ‘He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel.’

My boyfriend’s defensiveness was a huge barrier in our relationship and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it anymore.

Era un hombre muy amable, cariñoso y protector, pero cada vez que empezaba a hablar de mis sentimientos, se cerraba en banda.

I couldn’t get through to him no matter how much I tried. And, I really tried hard. Fortunately, couples counseling helped us a lot and we managed to overcome it and stay together.

We’re now in a loving marriage, and he doesn’t have a hard time acknowledging and talking about his emotions anymore.

The famous psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, developed a theory called ‘The Four Horsemen Of The

Apocalypse’. In that theory, he states that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are the most destructive factors for any kind of relationship.

El hecho es que el comportamiento defensivo puede dañar la conexión entre la pareja, lo que realmente puede ser fatal para una relación.

La primera vez que percibas esa vibración defensiva en tu pareja, debes tomártelo en serio e intentar averiguar qué la está provocando.

I hope my advice above will help every girl who is dealing with a defensive boyfriend. The last piece of advice I’ll give you is to escucha siempre a tu corazón.

Keep also in mind that there is no obstacle that true love can’t overcome. If you honestly love him and your heart is telling you that he loves you, too, it’s worth the fight. Trust me, it’s worth every effort.