Si mette sulla difensiva quando gli dico come mi sento (12 cose da fare)

La settimana scorsa una mia amica mi ha invitato a uscire perché voleva parlare con me.

In realtà, aveva bisogno di consigli sulle relazioni perché era a un passo dal rompere con il suo ragazzo, che ama sinceramente.

I asked her what the problem was and she said, “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel and I just can’t put up with it anymore.”

Ora, il motivo per cui mi ha chiesto un consiglio è che una volta ho avuto a che fare con un uomo sulla difensiva e lei lo sa.

Quell'uomo ora è mio marito e, anche se è stato necessario un duro lavoro e uno sforzo da parte di entrambi, siamo riusciti a superare quel comportamento difensivo e ora funzioniamo meglio che mai.

Quando abbiamo iniziato a frequentarci, sapevo di avere a che fare con un uomo emotivamente chiuso a un certo livello, ma pensavo che sarebbe stato in grado di aprirsi una volta che ci fossimo conosciuti meglio.

However, that change didn’t happen so easily.

You know, it’s a very difficult situation. You love someone and you’re convinced that person loves you, too, but still, they build a huge wall between you and don’t allow you to come too near to them.

Il vostro caro vi ostacola e si chiude in se stesso e voi ve ne state lì, impotenti a fare qualcosa.

It seems like you’re walking on eggshells around him and it’s deeply ruining your mental health.

It’s simply a feeling I would never wish anyone to feel, not even my worst enemy. You’re aware that your la relazione sta andando a rotoli e vi sentite semplicemente impotenti ad affrontarlo.

“He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel” – 14 Ways To Cope With It

I want to share with you these little things that helped me deal with my defensive man. I hope they’ll be helpful to you, too, just as they were to me.

Perciò, se volete comunicare con il vostro uomo e salvare la vostra relazione, continuate a leggere qui sotto.

Rallentare

Se si è messo improvvisamente sulla difensiva quando gli avete confessato i vostri sentimenti, allora dovete assolutamente rallentare perché forse pensa che le cose stanno andando troppo velocemente and isn’t feeling comfortable about it.

Okay, you dropped the ball here, but it’s definitely a fixable situation.

Dovete solo ammettere che è arrivato tutto troppo presto e che dovreste conoscervi meglio prima di ricominciare a parlare dei vostri sentimenti.

Keep in mind that his defensiveness doesn’t mean that he has rejected you. It may mean so many things, but in most cases, a man behaves defensively when he doesn’t feel ready to talk about his feelings.

Per risolvere il problema, individuare la causa principale della sua reazione difensiva.

So, the first step to solving that defensive barrier your man has put between you is to find the main cause of his defensive behavior. You need to conclude what triggers it before you’re able to fix it.

Una volta compresa la causa del suo comportamento, sarà molto più facile trovare un modo per risolverlo. Questo è infatti il primo passo verso salvare la vostra relazione.

Siate comprensivi

You have to show understanding to your man, especially if you’re in una relazione a distanza. It’s particularly difficult to far funzionare una relazione a distanza con un partner difensivo.

However, you need to show him that you’re there for him no matter what. Prove to him that even though you don’t always understand his reasons for some of his actions, you’ll always support him.

Don’t judge him

Ricordate che dovete essere meno giudicanti e più comprensivi e pazienti se volete abbattere i muri nella vostra relazione.

I know this is a very difficult situation for you because you try really hard, but you can’t understand why your partner is behaving so defensively. I was you once, and trust me, I know how much it hurts.

However, even though you don’t understand him, sometimes you must behave as you do and don’t judge him.

One day, when you overcome all of this and you manage to get your man to open up, you’ll be glad you didn’t give up on him.

Smettetela di tormentarvi in continuazione

Understand this; just as you can’t make someone love you, you can’t also make them say it to you.

And, you shouldn’t because that is something they need to do themselves and only because they feel the need to confess it to you.

Forcing it and nagging about it all the time won’t do you any good. Also, you need to understand that there are some people who can’t open up easily.

Your man is probably one of them, and that’s why you need to have a gentle approach with him.

Se volete parlare di qualcosa che vi preoccupa, cercate di risolverlo con una conversazione sana e cercate di capire se lui si rifiuta di parlarne in quel momento.

In caso contrario, dopo un po' di tempo il vostro uomo si stancherà del vostro comportamento, il che probabilmente porterà a una rottura.

Confront him, but…

So che il suo atteggiamento difensivo ti infastidisce e hai tutto il diritto di affrontarlo. Parlare con il proprio fidanzato di difesa perché tutto può essere risolto attraverso una comunicazione onesta e sana.

Ask him to explain to you why he’s being so defensive to you every time you start talking about your feelings.

If he honestly cares for you, he won’t allow you to wonder about it anymore and suffer because of his behavior.

He’ll be direct and honest with you and explain the reasons for his behavior. Afterward, you should try to achieve a compromise and work on ways that can help you overcome this issue.

Don’t say things out of anger that you may regret afterward

Il suo comportamento vi farà sicuramente arrabbiare molto spesso, ma cercate di controllarvi in quelle situazioni.

Don’t allow yourself to say some things in those anger outbursts and tantrums that you’ll probably regret later.

Ogni volta che lui si mette sulla difensiva, anche voi dovreste tirarvi indietro. Pensate al rapporto che avete con voi stessi e a come questo lo stia danneggiando, oltre a danneggiare la vostra salute mentale.

Pull back for a little while. Have a wellness day, do something that usually calms you down, or hang out with your best friends. That’s always the best therapy for every love sorrow.

Avvertitelo che il suo atteggiamento difensivo sta rovinando la vostra relazione.

Quando lo affronterete sul suo comportamento, dovrete sottolineare tutte le conseguenze negative che questo comporta per la vostra relazione.

Also, tell him that you’re worried that it’s damaging your relationship to the point it won’t be easily repairable.

Tell him that you’ve even been thinking about a breakup because you just can’t put up with it anymore.

Questo probabilmente gli farà cambiare comportamento, ovviamente se vi ama e vuole tenervi nella sua vita.

Deponete tutte le armi

No, you aren’t surrendering, but there is definitely no need for weapons. This is not a war, and your relationship is surely not a battlefield.

Il fatto è che bisogna semplicemente sapere quando ritirarsi dalla relazione e dare spazio alla persona amata.

This is definitely one of those moments. You shouldn’t make too much drama about it. The thing your partner needs the most right now is understanding.

Neutralizzare la minaccia

Una volta individuata la causa principale del suo comportamento, è necessario lavorare per neutralizzarla. Che cosa significa esattamente?

Ad esempio, se il vostro uomo si comporta in modo difensivo a causa delle cicatrici di una relazione passata che ancora lo feriscono e lo tormentano, dovete aiutarlo a guarire e dimostrargli che non gli fareste mai una cosa del genere.

La settimana scorsa mio marito ha ricominciato a comportarsi in modo difensivo dopo tanti anni e l'ho affrontato immediatamente.

He said that it’s all in my head, but last night, he admitted that it was because he has put on a little weight and was worried that I don’t like him anymore and that I would probably leave him sooner or later.

To be honest, it hurt my feelings because it made me feel that he still doesn’t know me well or that he doesn’t believe in my feelings for him.

But, I tried not to be judgemental, and I didn’t mention anything about it.

The threat I had to neutralize was his low self-esteem, so I immediately arranged a meeting with a nutrition coach and asked him to give us a diet plan. Yes, you’ve read it well, I’m on a diet now, too.

That was the best way to show him that he’ll always have my support in everything.

Also, I started to compliment him more often just to show him that in my eyes, he’s the most beautiful and gorgeous man in the entire world.

Lasciatelo parlare quando si sentirà pronto

Ho già detto che non bisogna mai forzare nulla, soprattutto quando si tratta di relazioni sentimentali e di esprimere i propri sentimenti. Dovete lasciarlo fare da solo quando si sentirà completamente pronto per questo passo.

If he has stayed with you after you have confessed you love him, that means he loves you, too, but isn’t ready to say it or doesn’t know how to tell it to you.

If things were the other way around, if he doesn’t feel the same for you, he would leave after your confession.

A volte gli uomini hanno bisogno di un po' più di tempo di noi per accettare i loro sentimenti e dirli ad alta voce.

La terapia di coppia sarebbe di sicuro aiuto

Unfortunately, he probably isn’t even aware of how his defensiveness affects you and your relationship.

That’s why the best thing would be to confront him about it and warn him of all the bad consequences it has for your relationship.

Couples therapy saved my relationship, and I’m almost completely sure it would help you save yours. Now, you just have to talk your man into it and find the best couples counseling.

I’m sure you’ll both benefit from it and your relationship will start blooming again.

11 possibili cause del suo comportamento difensivo

As you already saw, the first thing you need to do is find the root cause for your partner’s defensiveness. Find what triggers his defensive behavior so you can help him overcome it.

Reazione impulsiva

Il fatto vero (e sfortunato) è che la maggior parte degli uomini ha paura dell'amore e dell'impegno.

If you’ve admitted to him that you love him and he immediately got defensive, it’s probably just an impulsive reaction.

Perhaps he does feel the same for you, but he isn’t ready to accept and acknowledge his feelings. He is aware that it would lead to a more serious relationship, and he probably isn’t ready for that yet.

His defensive behavior shouldn’t make you break up with him immediately. Give him some time and you’ll see that he’ll reach out and ask you to talk about what happened.

He’s suffering from low self-esteem

Uomini che lottano con una bassa autostima are, in general, emotionally closed-off. It’s particularly difficult for them to maintain a healthy relationship with someone.

Si sentono come se i loro difetti e le loro imperfezioni li rendessero indegni di essere amati.

That’s why you need to show him that you also have imperfections, and teach him to embrace those not so good sides of himself instead of allowing them to undermine his self-confidence.

Gli uomini con bassa autostima cercano costantemente l'approvazione e la convalida dei propri cari. Cercando di essere comprensivi dei suoi traumi è il modo migliore per aiutarlo in questo momento.

È stato ferito prima

Another cause of his defensive behavior can also be his emotional scars from his past relationship. If you’ve already talked about your past, then you can tell if this is the case for your man’s behavior.

Questo significa che dovete aiutarlo a superare i suoi sentimenti feriti e affrontare il suo bagaglio emotivo dal passato.

This isn’t something that can be done overnight, so take a deep breath and arm yourself with patience because you’ll definitely need it.

Dovete anche dimostrargli che i vostri sentimenti per lui sono reali e sinceri e che non potreste mai fare qualcosa che potrebbe ferirlo di proposito.

Long story short, you need to prove to him that you aren’t like his ex and will never be.

Or, he simply doesn’t want to hurt you

Maybe all of this seems just a little too soon to your man. He probably has some feelings for you, but he doesn’t have enough time to define them yet.

Your boyfriend probably still isn’t sure that he loves you and simply doesn’t want to lie to you. Give him time to sort out his feelings and I’m sure he’ll reach out sooner than you think.

I also want to tell you that we all should learn from our own mistakes. I shouldn’t be the one who admits my feelings first to my then-boyfriend-now-husband in the first place.

E questo vale anche per voi. Ho imparato che le donne dovrebbero sempre aspettare e lasciare che il partner ammetta per primo i propri sentimenti.

Unfortunately, that may be a red flag that he doesn’t love you

If your boyfriend builds a wall between you every time you try to talk about feelings and things that are bothering you in your relationship, it’s a possible red flag that he doesn’t love you the same way you love him.

He probably cares for you, and the only reason he is doing this is because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Forse vuole solo essere completamente sicuro dei suoi sentimenti prima di ammetterli a te.
It actually isn’t a bad thing.

It might mean that he’s falling in love with you and that very soon, he’ll be able to say those five little words out loud, “I’m in love with you.” However, until that moment comes, you’ll have to be very patient.

He’s simply a vulnerable man…

If you also have the problem with the “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel” issue, perhaps you’re simply dealing with an emotionally vulnerable man.

He’s just using his defensiveness as a defense mechanism to cope with hurt feelings. The barrier he built between you is actually his protection in case you want to hurt him in any way.

He’ll always feel unsure about your relationship because that fear of you getting his heart broken will always be present.

It’ll be particularly difficult for him to start trusting you, and we all know that there is no love where there is no trust.

RELATIVO: State con un uomo che non abbia paura di mostrarvi il suo lato più vulnerabile

O forse anche un uomo emotivamente non disponibile.

Oh, if this is the case with your man, it’ll be extremely difficult to overcome his defensive behavior. However, it’s possible, but you’ll both have to work very hard for it.

Uomini emotivamente non disponibili never want to speak about their feelings. They keep everything bottled up inside, and it’s pretty difficult to get through to them and make them open up to you.

He won’t be comfortable when you speak about your own feelings either because he just doesn’t know how to respond to it.

You’ll never be able to build that emotional intimacy that is truly essential for a healthy relationship.

Ha bisogno di più tempo per elaborare i vostri sentimenti e quelli di lui.

The fact is that men aren’t that open when it comes to talking about emotions and things like that. They need more time to be able to connect with their partners on that emotional level.

The only thing you can do in this situation is leave him alone. A little bit of quiet time will do him good because he’ll be able to reconsider your relationship and sort out his feelings.

Perhaps you came out with your confession of feelings too soon and he simply didn’t expect it yet and don’t know how to respond to this situation.

Se è così, questo periodo di tranquillità vi farà bene, perché l'amore è un'emozione molto seria e deve essere elaborata con molta attenzione.

Ha scarse capacità di comunicazione

We’re all aware of the importance of healthy communication for a successful relationship, and if your man lacks communication skills, it’s definitely a reason for his defensiveness.

He probably does love you, but he simply doesn’t know how to express those feelings to you. The thing is that he doesn’t want to disappoint you because he thinks that a simple ‘I’m in love with you’ isn’t enough.

Naturalmente, dovreste lavorare per migliorare la comunicazione nella vostra relazione. Dovete fare in modo che il vostro uomo si apra con voi e parla con il tuo uomo in modo più efficace.

Tuttavia, dovreste anche dare al vostro uomo un po' di tempo per dimostrare con i fatti il suo amore per voi.

Perhaps he’s a man of action and simply believes that words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up with actions, il che è veramente giusto.

Maybe you’re simply dealing with a narcissist

Ricordo di aver parlato con una delle mie amiche dei problemi che avevo con il mio ragazzo e del fatto che lui si mette sulla difensiva quando gli dico come mi sento, e lei mi ha subito detto che avevo a che fare con un narcisista.

Mi sembra davvero che oggigiorno sia diventato abbastanza normale dare del narcisista a qualcuno. Mi ha suggerito di interrompere immediatamente la relazione.

Beh, questo mi ha fatto solo decidere di porre fine alla nostra amicizia.

Even if my husband, then boyfriend, was a narcissist, I couldn’t let him go just so. Honestly, I could never let go of someone I love no matter what.

I know it’s wrong to try to change someone, but I would simply try to point out to him how his narcissistic behavior is ruining every relationship in his life.

If you’ve noticed that your man has tratti narcisistici, that’s actually what you should do.

Don’t give up on a person you love. He can change his narcissistic behavior and he will do it for your love. You just have to be there for him and support him along the way.

Il problema potrebbe essere anche in voi

You need to understand that you can’t build that emotional connection immediately after you start dating. If you try to do it, your man will probably build a defensive barrier between you.

This doesn’t mean that it’s too hard to connect with a man on a deeper emotional level. The fact is that it only requires more time.

Se volete parlare di cose che vi preoccupano, dovreste chiedergli di incontrarvi e discuterne.

Don’t try to do it over social media or text messages because these kinds of things really need to be discussed face to face.

Before you start talking about your feelings, you must first take some time to get to know each other better. That’s the only way you’ll have a healthy relationship.

Conclusione

I think the sentence my psychotherapist has heard like a thousand times is, ‘He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel.’

My boyfriend’s defensiveness was a huge barrier in our relationship and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it anymore.

Era un uomo molto gentile, affettuoso e protettivo, ma ogni volta che iniziavo a parlare dei miei sentimenti, si chiudeva in se stesso.

I couldn’t get through to him no matter how much I tried. And, I really tried hard. Fortunately, couples counseling helped us a lot and we managed to overcome it and stay together.

We’re now in a loving marriage, and he doesn’t have a hard time acknowledging and talking about his emotions anymore.

The famous psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, developed a theory called ‘The Four Horsemen Of The

Apocalypse’. In that theory, he states that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are the most destructive factors for any kind of relationship.

Il fatto è che un comportamento difensivo può danneggiare il legame tra i partner, il che può essere davvero fatale per una relazione.

La prima volta che percepite questa vibrazione difensiva da parte del vostro partner, dovete prenderla sul serio e cercare di capire cosa la provoca.

I hope my advice above will help every girl who is dealing with a defensive boyfriend. The last piece of advice I’ll give you is to ascoltate sempre il vostro cuore.

Keep also in mind that there is no obstacle that true love can’t overcome. If you honestly love him and your heart is telling you that he loves you, too, it’s worth the fight. Trust me, it’s worth every effort.