Ele fica na defensiva quando lhe digo o que sinto (12 coisas a fazer)

Na semana passada, a minha amiga convidou-me para sairmos juntos porque queria falar comigo.

Na verdade, ela precisava de conselhos sobre relações porque estava a um passo de acabar com o namorado que amava sinceramente.

I asked her what the problem was and she said, “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel and I just can’t put up with it anymore.”

Agora, a razão pela qual ela me pediu conselhos é porque eu já lidei com um homem defensivo e ela sabe disso.

Esse homem é agora o meu marido e, apesar de ter sido necessário muito trabalho e esforço de ambas as partes, conseguimos ultrapassar esse comportamento defensivo e agora funcionamos melhor do que nunca.

Quando começámos a namorar, eu sabia que estava a lidar com um homem emocionalmente fechado a um certo nível, mas pensei que ele seria capaz de se abrir quando nos conhecêssemos melhor.

However, that change didn’t happen so easily.

You know, it’s a very difficult situation. You love someone and you’re convinced that person loves you, too, but still, they build a huge wall between you and don’t allow you to come too near to them.

O seu ente querido está a bloqueá-lo e a fechar-se e você fica ali parado, sentindo-se impotente para fazer o que quer que seja.

It seems like you’re walking on eggshells around him and it’s deeply ruining your mental health.

It’s simply a feeling I would never wish anyone to feel, not even my worst enemy. You’re aware that your a relação está a desmoronar-se e sente-se simplesmente impotente para lidar com isso.

“He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel” – 14 Ways To Cope With It

I want to share with you these little things that helped me deal with my defensive man. I hope they’ll be helpful to you, too, just as they were to me.

Por isso, se quer chegar ao seu homem e salvar a sua relação, continue a ler abaixo.

Abrandar

Se ele ficou subitamente na defensiva quando lhe confessou os seus sentimentos, então tem mesmo de abrandar, porque talvez ele pense que as coisas estão a ir demasiado depressa and isn’t feeling comfortable about it.

Okay, you dropped the ball here, but it’s definitely a fixable situation.

Só precisam de admitir que tudo aconteceu demasiado cedo e que devem conhecer-se melhor antes de voltarem a falar dos vossos sentimentos.

Keep in mind that his defensiveness doesn’t mean that he has rejected you. It may mean so many things, but in most cases, a man behaves defensively when he doesn’t feel ready to talk about his feelings.

Para resolver o problema, é necessário encontrar a causa principal da reação defensiva

So, the first step to solving that defensive barrier your man has put between you is to find the main cause of his defensive behavior. You need to conclude what triggers it before you’re able to fix it.

Quando perceber a causa do comportamento dele, será muito mais fácil encontrar uma forma de o corrigir. Este é, de facto, o primeiro passo para salvar a sua relação.

Ser compreensivo

You have to show understanding to your man, especially if you’re in uma relação à distância. It’s particularly difficult to fazer funcionar uma relação à distância com um parceiro defensivo.

However, you need to show him that you’re there for him no matter what. Prove to him that even though you don’t always understand his reasons for some of his actions, you’ll always support him.

Don’t judge him

Lembre-se de que precisa de ser menos crítico e mais compreensivo e paciente se quiser derrubar os muros da sua relação.

I know this is a very difficult situation for you because you try really hard, but you can’t understand why your partner is behaving so defensively. I was you once, and trust me, I know how much it hurts.

However, even though you don’t understand him, sometimes you must behave as you do and don’t judge him.

One day, when you overcome all of this and you manage to get your man to open up, you’ll be glad you didn’t give up on him.

Deixar de estar sempre a chatear

Understand this; just as you can’t make someone love you, you can’t also make them say it to you.

And, you shouldn’t because that is something they need to do themselves and only because they feel the need to confess it to you.

Forcing it and nagging about it all the time won’t do you any good. Also, you need to understand that there are some people who can’t open up easily.

Your man is probably one of them, and that’s why you need to have a gentle approach with him.

Se quiser falar sobre algo que a incomoda, tente fazê-lo através de uma conversa saudável e tente compreender se ele se recusar a falar sobre o assunto nesse momento.

Caso contrário, ao fim de algum tempo, o seu homem ficará cansado do seu comportamento, o que provavelmente levará a uma separação.

Confront him, but…

Sei que a sua atitude defensiva a está a incomodar e tem todo o direito de o confrontar com isso. Falar com o seu namorado defensivo porque tudo pode ser resolvido através de uma comunicação honesta e saudável.

Ask him to explain to you why he’s being so defensive to you every time you start talking about your feelings.

If he honestly cares for you, he won’t allow you to wonder about it anymore and suffer because of his behavior.

He’ll be direct and honest with you and explain the reasons for his behavior. Afterward, you should try to achieve a compromise and work on ways that can help you overcome this issue.

Don’t say things out of anger that you may regret afterward

O comportamento dele vai certamente irritá-lo muitas vezes, mas tente controlar-se nessas situações.

Don’t allow yourself to say some things in those anger outbursts and tantrums that you’ll probably regret later.

Sempre que ele fica na defensiva, também deve recuar. Pense na relação que tem consigo própria e em como isso a está a prejudicar e também a prejudicar a sua saúde mental.

Pull back for a little while. Have a wellness day, do something that usually calms you down, or hang out with your best friends. That’s always the best therapy for every love sorrow.

Avisá-lo de que a sua atitude defensiva está a arruinar a vossa relação

Quando o confrontar com o seu comportamento, deve sublinhar todas as consequências negativas que este tem para a vossa relação.

Also, tell him that you’re worried that it’s damaging your relationship to the point it won’t be easily repairable.

Tell him that you’ve even been thinking about a breakup because you just can’t put up with it anymore.

Isso provavelmente fará com que ele mude o seu comportamento, claro, se ele a ama e quer mantê-la na sua vida.

Larguem todas as vossas armas

No, you aren’t surrendering, but there is definitely no need for weapons. This is not a war, and your relationship is surely not a battlefield.

O que é preciso é saber quando se deve recuar na relação e dar algum espaço à pessoa amada.

This is definitely one of those moments. You shouldn’t make too much drama about it. The thing your partner needs the most right now is understanding.

Neutralizar a ameaça

Assim que descobrir a causa do seu comportamento, tem de trabalhar para a neutralizar. Então, o que é que isto significa exatamente?

Por exemplo, se o seu homem está a comportar-se de forma defensiva devido às cicatrizes de uma relação passada que ainda o magoam e assombram, tem de o ajudar a curar-se e provar-lhe que nunca lhe faria uma coisa dessas.

Na semana passada, o meu marido começou a comportar-se de novo na defensiva depois de tantos anos e eu confrontei-o imediatamente.

He said that it’s all in my head, but last night, he admitted that it was because he has put on a little weight and was worried that I don’t like him anymore and that I would probably leave him sooner or later.

To be honest, it hurt my feelings because it made me feel that he still doesn’t know me well or that he doesn’t believe in my feelings for him.

But, I tried not to be judgemental, and I didn’t mention anything about it.

The threat I had to neutralize was his low self-esteem, so I immediately arranged a meeting with a nutrition coach and asked him to give us a diet plan. Yes, you’ve read it well, I’m on a diet now, too.

That was the best way to show him that he’ll always have my support in everything.

Also, I started to compliment him more often just to show him that in my eyes, he’s the most beautiful and gorgeous man in the entire world.

Deixem-no falar quando se sentir preparado para o fazer

Já disse que nunca se deve forçar nada, especialmente no que diz respeito a relações românticas e à expressão de sentimentos. É preciso deixá-lo fazer isso sozinho quando ele se sentir completamente preparado para esse passo.

If he has stayed with you after you have confessed you love him, that means he loves you, too, but isn’t ready to say it or doesn’t know how to tell it to you.

If things were the other way around, if he doesn’t feel the same for you, he would leave after your confession.

Por vezes, os homens precisam de um pouco mais de tempo do que nós para aceitarem os seus sentimentos e os dizerem em voz alta.

A terapia de casal ajudaria de certeza

Unfortunately, he probably isn’t even aware of how his defensiveness affects you and your relationship.

That’s why the best thing would be to confront him about it and warn him of all the bad consequences it has for your relationship.

Couples therapy saved my relationship, and I’m almost completely sure it would help you save yours. Now, you just have to talk your man into it and find the best couples counseling.

I’m sure you’ll both benefit from it and your relationship will start blooming again.

11 Causas possíveis do seu comportamento defensivo

As you already saw, the first thing you need to do is find the root cause for your partner’s defensiveness. Find what triggers his defensive behavior so you can help him overcome it.

Reação impulsiva

O verdadeiro (e lamentável) facto é que a maioria dos homens tem medo do amor e do compromisso.

If you’ve admitted to him that you love him and he immediately got defensive, it’s probably just an impulsive reaction.

Perhaps he does feel the same for you, but he isn’t ready to accept and acknowledge his feelings. He is aware that it would lead to a more serious relationship, and he probably isn’t ready for that yet.

His defensive behavior shouldn’t make you break up with him immediately. Give him some time and you’ll see that he’ll reach out and ask you to talk about what happened.

He’s suffering from low self-esteem

Homens que lutam contra a baixa autoestima are, in general, emotionally closed-off. It’s particularly difficult for them to maintain a healthy relationship with someone.

Sentem que os seus defeitos e imperfeições os tornam indignos de serem amados.

That’s why you need to show him that you also have imperfections, and teach him to embrace those not so good sides of himself instead of allowing them to undermine his self-confidence.

Os homens com baixa autoestima procuram constantemente a aprovação e a validação dos seus entes queridos. Tentar ser compreensivo com os seus traumas é a melhor maneira de o ajudar neste momento.

Ele foi ferido antes

Another cause of his defensive behavior can also be his emotional scars from his past relationship. If you’ve already talked about your past, then you can tell if this is the case for your man’s behavior.

Isto significa que tem de o ajudar a ultrapassar os seus sentimentos de mágoa e lidar com a sua bagagem emocional do passado.

This isn’t something that can be done overnight, so take a deep breath and arm yourself with patience because you’ll definitely need it.

Também precisa de lhe provar que os seus sentimentos por ele são reais e honestos e que nunca faria algo que o pudesse magoar de propósito.

Long story short, you need to prove to him that you aren’t like his ex and will never be.

Or, he simply doesn’t want to hurt you

Maybe all of this seems just a little too soon to your man. He probably has some feelings for you, but he doesn’t have enough time to define them yet.

Your boyfriend probably still isn’t sure that he loves you and simply doesn’t want to lie to you. Give him time to sort out his feelings and I’m sure he’ll reach out sooner than you think.

I also want to tell you that we all should learn from our own mistakes. I shouldn’t be the one who admits my feelings first to my then-boyfriend-now-husband in the first place.

E isto também se aplica a si. Aprendi que as mulheres devem sempre esperar e deixar que os seus parceiros admitam os seus sentimentos primeiro.

Unfortunately, that may be a red flag that he doesn’t love you

If your boyfriend builds a wall between you every time you try to talk about feelings and things that are bothering you in your relationship, it’s a possible red flag that he doesn’t love you the same way you love him.

He probably cares for you, and the only reason he is doing this is because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Talvez ele só queira ter a certeza absoluta dos seus sentimentos antes de os admitir.
It actually isn’t a bad thing.

It might mean that he’s falling in love with you and that very soon, he’ll be able to say those five little words out loud, “I’m in love with you.” However, until that moment comes, you’ll have to be very patient.

He’s simply a vulnerable man…

If you also have the problem with the “He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel” issue, perhaps you’re simply dealing with an emotionally vulnerable man.

He’s just using his defensiveness as a defense mechanism to cope with hurt feelings. The barrier he built between you is actually his protection in case you want to hurt him in any way.

He’ll always feel unsure about your relationship because that fear of you getting his heart broken will always be present.

It’ll be particularly difficult for him to start trusting you, and we all know that there is no love where there is no trust.

RELACIONADO: Estar com um homem que não tenha medo de lhe mostrar o seu lado vulnerável

Ou, talvez até, um homem emocionalmente indisponível

Oh, if this is the case with your man, it’ll be extremely difficult to overcome his defensive behavior. However, it’s possible, but you’ll both have to work very hard for it.

Homens emocionalmente indisponíveis never want to speak about their feelings. They keep everything bottled up inside, and it’s pretty difficult to get through to them and make them open up to you.

He won’t be comfortable when you speak about your own feelings either because he just doesn’t know how to respond to it.

You’ll never be able to build that emotional intimacy that is truly essential for a healthy relationship.

Ele precisa de mais tempo para processar os seus sentimentos e os dele

The fact is that men aren’t that open when it comes to talking about emotions and things like that. They need more time to be able to connect with their partners on that emotional level.

The only thing you can do in this situation is leave him alone. A little bit of quiet time will do him good because he’ll be able to reconsider your relationship and sort out his feelings.

Perhaps you came out with your confession of feelings too soon and he simply didn’t expect it yet and don’t know how to respond to this situation.

Se for esse o caso, então este tempo de silêncio também será bom para si, porque o amor é uma emoção muito séria e precisa de ser processada com muito cuidado.

Tem fracas capacidades de comunicação

We’re all aware of the importance of healthy communication for a successful relationship, and if your man lacks communication skills, it’s definitely a reason for his defensiveness.

He probably does love you, but he simply doesn’t know how to express those feelings to you. The thing is that he doesn’t want to disappoint you because he thinks that a simple ‘I’m in love with you’ isn’t enough.

É claro que deve trabalhar para melhorar a comunicação na sua relação. Tem de conseguir que o seu homem se abra consigo e falar com o seu homem mais eficazmente.

No entanto, também deve dar ao seu homem algum tempo para provar o seu amor por si através de acções.

Perhaps he’s a man of action and simply believes that words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up with actionso que é verdadeiramente correto.

Maybe you’re simply dealing with a narcissist

Lembro-me de ter falado com uma das minhas amigas sobre os problemas que estava a ter com o meu namorado e o facto de ele ficar na defensiva quando lhe digo o que sinto, e ela disse imediatamente que eu estava a lidar com um narcisista.

Parece-me que, atualmente, se tornou bastante normal chamar narcisista a alguém. Ela sugeriu-me que terminasse imediatamente essa relação.

Bem, isso só me fez decidir acabar com a nossa amizade.

Even if my husband, then boyfriend, was a narcissist, I couldn’t let him go just so. Honestly, I could never let go of someone I love no matter what.

I know it’s wrong to try to change someone, but I would simply try to point out to him how his narcissistic behavior is ruining every relationship in his life.

If you’ve noticed that your man has traços narcísicos, that’s actually what you should do.

Don’t give up on a person you love. He can change his narcissistic behavior and he will do it for your love. You just have to be there for him and support him along the way.

O problema também pode estar em si

You need to understand that you can’t build that emotional connection immediately after you start dating. If you try to do it, your man will probably build a defensive barrier between you.

This doesn’t mean that it’s too hard to connect with a man on a deeper emotional level. The fact is that it only requires more time.

Se quiser falar sobre coisas que a incomodam, deve pedir-lhe para se encontrarem e discutirem o assunto.

Don’t try to do it over social media or text messages because these kinds of things really need to be discussed face to face.

Before you start talking about your feelings, you must first take some time to get to know each other better. That’s the only way you’ll have a healthy relationship.

Conclusão

I think the sentence my psychotherapist has heard like a thousand times is, ‘He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel.’

My boyfriend’s defensiveness was a huge barrier in our relationship and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it anymore.

Ele era um homem muito gentil, carinhoso e protetor, mas sempre que eu começava a falar dos meus sentimentos, ele fechava-se.

I couldn’t get through to him no matter how much I tried. And, I really tried hard. Fortunately, couples counseling helped us a lot and we managed to overcome it and stay together.

We’re now in a loving marriage, and he doesn’t have a hard time acknowledging and talking about his emotions anymore.

The famous psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, developed a theory called ‘The Four Horsemen Of The

Apocalypse’. In that theory, he states that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are the most destructive factors for any kind of relationship.

O facto é que o comportamento defensivo pode prejudicar a ligação entre os parceiros, o que pode ser realmente fatal para uma relação.

A primeira vez que sentir essa vibração defensiva do seu parceiro, deve levá-la a sério e tentar perceber o que a está a provocar.

I hope my advice above will help every girl who is dealing with a defensive boyfriend. The last piece of advice I’ll give you is to ouvir sempre o seu coração.

Keep also in mind that there is no obstacle that true love can’t overcome. If you honestly love him and your heart is telling you that he loves you, too, it’s worth the fight. Trust me, it’s worth every effort.