El amor no debe herir: 13 señales de una relación profundamente malsana

Muchas personas que relaciones abusivas no ven las señales porque se acostumbran a que les traten mal. Pero, ¿adivina qué? Love shouldn’t hurt.

Tu pareja no debe ser nunca la causa de tu baja autoestima y de tu miedo a hablar. La violencia doméstica es un asunto serio del que hay que hablar ampliamente.

Si tuvieras que evaluar tu relación de pareja ahora mismo, ¿cómo la caracterizarías? 

¿Te inspira, te anima y te da esperanza? ¿O es un lugar de incertidumbre en el que experimentas insultos, violencia física, desprecios¿Y posiblemente patrones más serios?

Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, my aim is to help you figure out if you’re in fact in an unhealthy relationship.

Ahora más que nunca es el momento de alzar la voz y luchar por tu derecho a que te traten bien. El maltrato verbal, la violencia en las citas entre adolescentes, el maltrato infantil y cualquier tipo de maltrato físico son nunca aceptable.

These are the biggest signs of an unhealthy, violent relationship. If you recognize yourself, it’s time to start plotting your escape.

Véase también: Relación Enmeshed: Definición, señales y consejos para superarla

¿Está usted en un (física o emocionalmente) Relación abusiva?

You’ve started hiding things and keeping secrets so they don’t get mad

You’ve learned to become careful in your home life. You know what upsets your partner and what you need to keep from them.

You used to share everything, but now…you know that you can’t. You don’t put anything provocative on social media, so they don’t get upset.

You delete your Google searches every day, out of fear that they’ll see something to their dislike. You don’t tell them that you’ve had coffee with a friend of the opposite sex because they’ll make a scene.

Basically, there is a whole part of your life that they can’t know anything about. If they did, it would make your life a living hell.

And what’s most surprising is that this has become so normal to you that you don’t even see it for what it is. A relación tóxica que te hace sentir atrapado.

There are so many young people out there experiencing the same thing you are. And they all brush it off claiming it’s just a little quirk of theirs with nothing to worry about.

Pero mientras sigas poniéndoles excusas y soportando torturas emocionales y/o físicas, las cosas nunca cambiarán.

Existen innumerables programas para víctimas de violencia doméstica. Sólo tienes que ser lo bastante valiente para llamar al teléfono de atención 24 horas.

Véase también: Mi Ex Ya Está Saliendo Con Otra Persona Y Me Duele - Esta Es La Razón

Your partner constantly checks up on you and gets mad when you don’t reply

Whenever you’re away from them, you know that you’ll be bombarded with texts and calls. 

Your partner will check up on you at all times and if you don’t reply promptly, they’ll get upset. You know that love shouldn’t hurt, but you don’t feel as if you have a choice.

You feel as if you’re cornered into a situation with no way out. You can’t go out with who you want, and if you did, they would make you regret it.

Even if you went out without telling your partner, once they found out, you’d experience an emotionally disturbing outburst that would crush you. So you just put up with it.

You do what they want because it’s just easier that way. You answer every text as quickly as you can, and you don’t even bother lying because you know they’ll see right through it.

You desperately want things to get better, but you can’t figure out how. Every scenario you come up with, you know you’ll regret it.

But there is a way out. It’s called support from your loved ones. A hotline dedicated to victims of domestic violence. Staying with family where they can’t find you.

You just have to decide that this is it and not look back. It’s never easy, but it’s the right thing to do, and you know it.

Te encuentras constantemente disculpándote y sintiéndote como el loco

Abusive partners are really crafty in getting you where they want you. They have no problem making you feel crazy and apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.

I’ve had a few close friends who experienced extremely unhealthy relationships where they were verbally abused, often put down and forced to have relations when they didn’t want to.

De mis conversaciones con ellos, obtuve una visión muy clara de cómo es la vida con una pareja maltratadora.

You forget that love shouldn’t hurt and you learn to put up with their horrid behavior, convincing yourself that it’s just a bad day. Todo el mundo lo experimenta.

But they don’t. Not people in relaciones sanas. No personas que son apoyadas y amadas exactamente por lo que son.

Así que la próxima vez que tu pareja intente hacerte sentir como un loco por expresar simplemente tu opinión, reconócelo y habla claro. La próxima vez que te hagan disculparte por salir con tu mejor amigo, recházalo.

Esos son los primeros pasos para recuperar el control de tu vida. Deja de permitir que tengan tanto poder sobre ti. Empieza a luchar por tu derecho a ser a ti.

If they don’t like it, tough on them! You are going to do what you please, regardless of their desires. Saben dónde está la puerta.

You’ve been pushed against a wall or threatened on more than one occasion

En un arrebato de ira, tu pareja te empujó contra la pared y te amenazó con hacer algo realmente aterrador.

You’ve been kicked, pushed, slapped more times than you can count. Your partner experiences these uncontrollable mood swings that make him do scary things.

They apologize afterward and seem genuinely sincere, so you accept it. But not because it’s okay. Because you’re scared for your life. You’re afraid to utter a word.

You know that it’ll happen again and you cannot risk it happening again. So you keep quiet. You hide your bruises under layers of clothes and you lie to your family that you tripped in the shower.

You feel utterly alone, depressed, hurt, and with no way out. You don’t want to do anything to upset them because you never know when they might go overboard.

It’s getting harder and harder to hide proof of your relación abusiva. You’re running out of lies to tell your seres queridos. 

You no longer have the energy to see anyone, knowing that you can’t tell them the truth. The reality of your situation is just too dire to risk them finding out that you’ve told someone what they do.

Life has become unbearable and all you can think about is leaving and never looking back. You know that love shouldn’t hurt. But how do you leave someone who controls every move you make? 

Comprendo la gravedad de su situación. Y no voy a fingir que conozco la respuesta.

But I also know that for as long as you don’t share your suffering with someone, it’ll only keep getting worse. Solo hace falta una llamada.

You’ve shut off from your family members

Una relación sana te permite fomentar relaciones felices y significativas con quienes te hacen feliz. Ya sea tu familia, tus amigos o tus compañeros de trabajo.

You should never feel forced to choose between your family and your partner. The moment that happens, it’s a red flag.

Think about it. Have you been made to see your family less and less? Has your partner filled your head with lies to convince you that you’re better off seeing them less?

That’s called manipulación emocional. Y ciertos individuos son maestros en ello. Son capaces de convencerte de cualquier cosa que sirva a sus propósitos.

This is your chance to see things for what they are and mitigate the damages before it’s too late. This is as toxic as it gets. You don’t have to be a victim of physical violence to be considered a victim.

Any form of abuse, be it physical, verbal, or emotional, is just as cruel and unacceptable. Don’t let this person alienate you from those who’ve had your back since day one.

It’s time to see who’s really in your corner and who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Life is too precious to be treated like you don’t matter.

Véase también: Identificar, manejar y sobrevivir a una suegra narcisista

Tu pareja te proclamó su amor muy pronto

El amor no se puede apresurar. Cuando lo sientes, lo sabes. Pero no si se lo preguntas a tu pareja. Para ellos, el amor es un juego.

Te dijeron que te querían alrededor de las primeras semanas de vuestra relación.

You were taken aback and kind of didn’t know what to say. Quiero decir, ¿cómo se dice “I love you” to a person you’ve only been on three dates with?

That’s your partner’s way of manipulating your emotions. They are trying to suck you into their web of lies and deceit by false declarations of love.

And if you’re being honest, what you felt was never really love. In the beginning stages, you saw potential and you really started liking them. 

But once you saw what they’re truly like, that potential turned into fear. And that made you delude yourself that you were in love.

In reality, you feel obliged to this person. It’s as if you are theirs and if you dare claim otherwise, you know they won’t have it.

So you let yourself remain in this unhealthy relationship hoping that somehow, someday, it’ll all be okay. But for as long as you sit there quietly, things will remain the same.

Find the courage to let yourself experience real love and actual connection. Deep down, you know this isn’t it.

Véase también: Reto de 30 días de amor propio: conviértete en la mejor versión de ti mismo

Tu círculo de amigos era mucho mayor antes de empezar a salir con tu pareja

Así es como suele empezar. A tu pareja le parece bien que salgas con tus amigos y que tengas una vida fuera de ellos.

Pero con el tiempo, se vuelven cada vez más celosos y posesivos. Afirman que pasas demasiado tiempo con tus amigos y que necesitas estar más con ellos.

Al principio, parece muy tierno que tu pareja quiera que estéis más tiempo juntos. Hasta que deje de serlo.

They start banning you from seeing certain friends (especially those they’re jealous of) and out of fear, you obey them. Even though some of those friends you’ve known since high school.

Empiezas a tener una sensación de miedo y, en lugar de la alegría inicial por pasar tiempo de calidad juntos, te sientes forzado y sin elección. ¿Cómo se ha llegado a esto?

This is the beginning of intimate partner violence. It starts like this and escalates into things you never imagined you’d go through and put up with.

And the worst thing is, you’ve lost a great number of friends due to their controlling behavior, which leaves you with barely any loved ones to confide in.

You are forced to do things you don’t want to do

Under false pretenses of love, your partner often tries to get you into bed when you’re not up to it.

They keep pressuring you by claiming if you loved him/her you’d do what they want. But you know that’s just emotional manipulation, right?

Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you cannot be raped. Cualquier relación física con la que no estés de acuerdo pero a la que te obliguen NO está bien.

Su socio should never make you do things you’re not comfortable with. And a good one never will. Only those who look out for their own interest will have complete disregard of your emotions.

The thing is, they know that you’ll do as they say. You’re too scared to say no so you just get it over with it. It’s become a habit that you can’t escape.

Tu pareja tiene ciertas expectativas y tú tienes que cumplirlas. Sin preguntas y sin rechistar. Te hacen sentir culpable para que aceptes sus insinuaciones.

Y para sentirte mejor, decides pensar que estuvo bien. You’re in a relationship, so it can’t be that serious. You hadn’t done it in so long, so you owed them something…

But you didn’t. And you know it. It is wrong on every level and es un gran negocio.

Sospecha que su pareja le es infiel

De mis conversaciones con supervivientes de la violencia doméstica, hay algo que me ha parecido realmente extraño, y sin embargo tan importante.

Las valientes mujeres con las que hablé me informaron de que los aspectos psicológicos de los malos tratos suelen ser mucho peores que los físicos.

Y todos sabemos que ser engañado deja un impacto duradero en una persona. Te hace sentir inútil, inadecuado y poco apreciado. Las secuelas emocionales que deja pueden ser realmente dañinas.

This is your partner’s exertion of power. Te están haciendo saber que pueden hacer lo que les dé la gana, sin ninguna consecuencia.

Y cualquier tipo de desequilibrio de poder en una relación es muy poco saludable.

Este tipo de maltrato psicológico que te inflige tu pareja puede perseguirte durante mucho tiempo. Y como sociedad, tenemos que educarnos sobre lo que constituye exactamente maltrato.

Because it’s more than just physical. Los moratones desaparecen, pero el daño psicológico y emocional permanece contigo.

Su pareja amenaza con hacer daño a su hijo o a su mascota.

Los maltratadores no escatiman esfuerzos para escarmentar a sus víctimas. Y la mayoría de las veces, nadie sale indemne.

So, if you’ve experienced instances where your partner threatened to cause your children or pets harm, they are really just trying to torture a ti.

Sólo ellos saben si realmente cumplirán esta repugnante amenaza. Si bien esto constituye maltrato infantiltambién son un tormento psicológico a ti.

Rompen tus cosas como forma de castigo

You’re having an argument that’s really not going their way. Your partner keeps trying to prove their point, but you’re standing your own ground.

Upon seeing that they’re left with no other options, they take hold of something you hold dear (a gift from someone you love, or a pricey new purchase) and they break it against the wall.

Es su forma de demostrarte que les perteneces. They are showing you who’s realmente en control.

De nuevo, estamos hablando de un caso grave de maltrato psicológico. En cuanto las palabras dejan de tener efecto, encuentran nuevas formas de ejercer su dominio sobre ti.

And remember – just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Love shouldn’t hurt in any way, shape, or form.

Su pareja controla sus finanzas

Algo que me parece que no mucha gente (o ninguna) discute en relación con las relaciones violentas es el aspecto financiero.

Were you aware that abusive partners are known to control their victim’s finances (among many other things)?

Por ejemplo, son conocidos por hacer que sus víctimas renuncien a sus trabajos, encuentren uno nuevo a su gusto y luego gasten su dinero como si fuera suyo.

If your partner tries to make any financial decision in your name, it’s abuse. If they somehow think that they can give you an allowance or decide how much money you can spend – abuse.

Whatever you’re being forced to do against your own will, always remain aware that it’s a form of abuse.

Toman decisiones sobre su aspecto físico

Que alguien en tu vida te diga estrictamente lo que tienes que ponerte es una forma de opresión (unless you’re five years old).

¿Alguna vez su pareja le ha sugerido que no se maquille o tal vez iniciar wearing make-up even though you don’t want to?

It can be wisely hidden in the form of a compliment: “Sweetie, you look so good naturally. I really think you should stop wearing make-up completely.” 

Or comments about your clothing: “Babe, don’t you think your skirt is a little too short? Go and change into something more appropriate.”

Which quickly escalates to ” You look like a tramp in that dress. Take it off before I do it for you.”

Ninguno de los ejemplos mencionados está bien. Nobody gets to decide what you wear or how much make-up you (don’t) need.

Tú controlas eso, y nadie más. Este tipo de manipulación empieza de forma bastante inocente, y luego progresa hasta insultarte y hacerte sentir como una mierda.

You Can’t Fix Your Partner, But You CAN Change Your Situation

Your problems won’t go away if you merely brush them under the carpet. Love shouldn’t hurt. Your partner shouldn’t cause you pain.

It’s as simple as that. These are signs that your relationship is toxic and abusive. 

Y ahora tienes dos opciones. La primera es quedarte con alguien que te disminuye, te menosprecia y te causa infelicidad. La segunda es pidiendo ayuda. 

Letting go is always the hardest and nobody is claiming that this is going to be easy. But if you’re finally ready to admit the reality of your situation, talk to someone you trust. 

Comparte tu historia y deja que te ayuden a encontrar una salida a este lío.

Don’t wait until tomorrow or the day after. NOW is the time to change your life for the better. You are not alone even if you think that you are. 

Hay gente dispuesta a ayudarte.

Si se encuentra en una relación tóxica y violenta, recurra a sus seres queridos o llame a la Línea Nacional de Ayuda contra la Violencia Doméstica al 1-800-799-7233. Están aquí para ayudarte.

Véase también: Por qué es importante ser quien necesitabas cuando eras más joven