*Attenzione: lavorare su queste abilità può avere effetti collaterali indesiderati, come ad esempio, ma non solo, essere d'accordo con il partner quando si era così sicuri di avere ragione, aumentare il proprio gioco di empatia e un rapido aumento dell'intimità sia sessuale che emotiva*.

Come vi sentite quando qualcuno respinge i vostri pensieri o le vostre idee senza ascoltarli veramente? Siete propensi, a quel punto, ad ascoltare le loro? Una delle cose più difficili da fare in qualsiasi relazione is to actually listen to your partner. Do you ever find yourself waiting for them to stop talking so that you can say your piece? How does that work for you? When it’s your turn to say words… how are they being received? Uno dei modi più efficaci per dimostrare al partner che lo apprezza e lo rispetta è quello di convalidare i suoi sentimenti. Does that mean that you have to agree with everything they say? Definitely not! BUT… it may go a long way toward getting your way if you take the time to really hear your partner’s perspective.

How can you do that? It’s easy to say, “I’m listening.” But listening is hard. Trust me, I’m a talker and I have had to learn how to stop waiting for my turn to talk. So hear me out for a minute, and if you practice what I preach, anche voi potete imparare a stare zitti e ad ascoltare. (In real talk, I don’t always practice what I preach, so if you find me not listening and/or not validating you… say so!) What is the difference between listening and waiting for your turn to talk? L'ascolto consiste nel cercare attivamente di sentire ciò che un'altra persona sta dicendo con l'intenzione di capire dal suo punto di vista. It becomes obvious when one is just waiting to respond – interrupting, interjecting and defending yourself while your partner is still talking are a few giveaways. Try instead to…

1. Concentratevi su ciò che il vostro interlocutore vi sta dicendo, senza formulare una risposta prima che abbia finito di pronunciare le parole.

Questo potrebbe creare un ulteriore silenzio quando hanno finito di parlare, mentre voi assorbite quello che vi hanno detto e in quel silenzio potreste scoprire che continuano. Quando le persone si sentono ascoltate, si aprono a dire altre cose e mentre le ascoltate, senza giudicarle o difendersi, spesso scoprirete che questo è sufficiente per iniziare ad alleviare la loro frustrazione.

2. Remember that it’s not about you right now.

You want to try to understand the situation from your partner’s point of view, not yours. It’s not about what you would do in a similar situation, it’s not about how you would feel if it were you, and it is definitely not about how you think your partner should feel.

3. Ask your partner to explain why they feel the way they do, or how they have come to a conclusion that doesn’t make sense to you.

Bearing in mind that, even though it may not make sense to you (yet), how they are feeling is very real to them and dismissing the said feeling as false will not likely dispel it. For example, if your partner says to you, “You don’t care about anything I have to say,” your instinct may be to defend yourself. You might be thinking, ‘Of course I do…” while feeling irritated that they don’t know that. Your first response may be to defend yourself and dismiss your partner’s feelings as false but the thing is, even if it isn’t ‘true’, if your partner feels that you don’t care about anything they have to say, and they tell you that… as I said, it is, however, real to them. Instead of diventare difensivi, try to determine how they’ve come to that conclusion.

You may find upon closer inspection that you have been putting out signals that you didn’t even realize and you can take this opportunity to reassure your partner. Or your partner may be way off base and has misinterpreted something, in which case you can take this opportunity to rectify the misperception in a way that is mindful of your partner’s feelings. In either scenario, if you are not able to step outside of yourself to see what your partner is seeing, even if you don’t agree with it… it will only cause frustration for you both.

Once you’ve listened to your partner and tried to understand from their point of view, they are going to feel validated. It doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them – it means that what they say and how they feel matters to you (as it should) and that you want to be the kind of partner who shows that.

by Tia Grace