Ho tradito il mio fidanzato ed ecco cosa ho imparato da questa storia

Prima del mio vergognoso atto di tradimento, non avevo mai capito perché la gente tradisce.

Ho sempre creduto nell'onestà, nella trasparenza, nel rispetto e nell'impegno, e ho sempre detto ai miei migliore amico that I would never choose to be somewhere in between all that – to be a cheater.

Ho creduto con tutto il cuore che non avrei mai deciso di tradire qualcuno che mi ha dato disinteressatamente il suo cuore per prendersene cura.

Più volte ho detto:

I would rather be miserable and alone for the rest of my life than cheat on someone because I’m either with that person or I’m not.

If I’m not happy, I’ll break up with them, move forward, and do whatever I want, but I won’t cheat as long as I’m in a relazione seria con il mio partner che si fida di me.

I guess the first time I said it, I wasn’t even aware of the real difficulty of that statement and the fact that it is easier said than done.

But, “lucky me,” now I can tell with certainty that sometimes the words that come out of our mouths simply cannot be trusted.

Ho tradito il mio ragazzo anche se per tutta la vita sono stata contraria al tradimento e a vivere secondo principi di fiducia e impegno.

But, life is unpredictable and the truth is that both men and women cheat and, in most cases, it’s not because they wanted to, but because something broke in them and they couldn’t find a way to deal with it.

Perché mancava qualcosa, così sono finiti in un labirinto di infedeltà.

Vedi anche: Come perdonarsi per aver tradito e non averlo detto: 20 modi per farlo

La mia esperienza di imbroglio

To help you understand my cheating experience in full, I’ll first give you an insight into my past relationship.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year or so and from the day we met, everything was just perfect (until it wasn’t).

He was really caring, he’d always go out of his way to make me feel special (both through text messages and in real life) and we had this incredibile chimica come adolescenti del liceo.

Era davvero un grande uomo.

We’d finish each other’s sentences, laugh about stupid things, and just enjoy life as every other couple at the beginning of a relationship.

Ogni secondo trascorso con lui è stato magico e non ho mai nemmeno immaginato di tradirlo, tanto meno di pensare di farlo davvero.

Until one day – or better said, until something happened, but I couldn’t really understand what was truly going on. I noticed that he suddenly changed.

He was no longer the same person I’d fallen in love with because he no longer cared about making an effort to keep things interesting, about affection and other romantic things related to a healthy relationship.

I messaggi sono diventati meno frequenti o inesistenti e, con il passare del tempo, sono emersi letteralmente dal nulla tonnellate di altri problemi relazionali e non avevo idea di cosa fare.

La mia autostima era davvero bassa, mi sentivo infelice e non riuscivo a pensare ad altro: Cosa devo fare con la mia relazione?

I tried to talk to my partner to understand what was going on, but every time I did, he’d just pretend that everything was okay and that I was overreacting.

Credo che sia diventato troppo disinvolto nella nostra relazione e abbia perso il senso di perseguire e valorizzare ciò che avevamo.
È stato davvero difficile affrontare tutto questo e ho iniziato ad allontanarmi.

Provavo ancora qualcosa per lui, ma allo stesso tempo maledicevo il giorno in cui l'avevo incontrato e speravo anche che forse qualcosa sarebbe cambiato.

I wasn’t ready to ancora non ci siamo lasciati, but I also wasn’t happy in the relationship.

Così, ho deciso di fingere di essere vivo e felice senza vivere ed essere felice davvero.

Finché non l'ho incontrato.

Il mio ex collega mi ha presentato al suo amico una sera in cui siamo usciti a bere qualcosa e siamo entrati subito in sintonia.

Condividevamo lo stesso punto di vista sulle cose, era così gentilmente premuroso e aveva questa passione che brillava nei suoi occhi e che stava lentamente incendiando il mio corpo e la mia mente.

Anche se è stato davvero difficile resistere alla tentazione, quella notte non è successo nulla, ma abbiamo continuato a vederci.

Ogni volta che stavamo insieme, mi sentivo sempre più compresa, curata e semplicemente di nuovo viva.

And at the same time, I was convincing myself that we were just friends and nothing more, and all this would stop soon because I couldn’t let myself lose control and do something stupid.

E poi l'ho fatto. Mi ha invitato a casa sua, ha cucinato un pasto delizioso, mi ha trattato come una regina e mi ha sedotto come un boss.

I miei tentativi di resistere a tutto ciò erano vani, così mi sono arresa e ho lasciato che la passione ardente mi guidasse.

E il giorno dopo, quando ho capito cosa era appena successo, che avevo tradito il mio ragazzo, il mio mondo è crollato.

Mi sono sentita la più grande codarda del mondo perché ero troppo debole per andare avanti con la mia attuale relazione, nonostante fossi evidentemente infelice.

Le uniche emozioni che provavo erano confusione e odio verso me stessa, la mia relazione tossica e l'amore in generale.

And in case you’re wondering whether I repeated my sinful act again: Nope, I didn’t. It was a one-off thing.

There wasn’t a second time or any time after that. The cheating act in itself was not that painful, but coping with it afterward is what breaks you.

So, here are some things that I’ve learned from my cheating experience.

I CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND AND HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM IT

1. “Just forgetting about it” is not on the table

I bet the first thought of every cheater out there is: How do I delete this and how do I get rid of this feeling of guilt and betrayal? (Or, at least, that’s how I felt.)

So, is it possible to simply delete your cheating moment from your history and continue living your life as if nothing happened? No, it’s not.

Even if the act of cheating wasn’t done to purposefully hurt someone, even if you weren’t aware of what you were doing and where things were heading, you still did it.

It’s done. It’s real. And every single action in our life has a reaction, aka consequence.

Anche se decidete di distruggere tutte le prove, cancellare il loro numero, applicare qualche magia voodoo che resetti la vostra coscienza (come nel film Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind), you still won’t be able to forget about it because you will still have the act of cheating stored in your memory.

Now, you have all the right in the world to act as if nothing happened and wait for the moment of obliviousness to kick in, but speaking from my personal experience, I think that’s mission impossible.

In effetti, più cerchiamo di sopprimere qualcosa e di combatterla, più questa si ribellerà per apparire in superficie.

Our subconsciousness is a really powerful thing and we simply cannot trick our brain to believe something that’s not true.

And sometimes that’s a good thing because it just shows you that you’re only human after all.

Vi insegna ad affrontare le conseguenze delle vostre azioni.

2. The guilt will impact your relationship (even if you don’t get caught)

If you’re not a serial cheater, the chances of your partner learning about your infidelity are really low.

I cheated once and didn’t get caught, and for a moment I thought that this is actually a good thing because maybe, somehow magically, I could just forget about it and continue being in a relationship as if nothing happened.

Ma il senso di colpa e l'agitazione erano davvero forti in me.

Così, mi sono ritrovata a chiedere scusa al mio partner per le cose più banali per le quali non mi sarei mai scusata prima.

Ho anche iniziato ad accusarlo costantemente di cose casuali che faceva, indipendentemente dalla situazione e dal fatto che fossero davvero degne di essere menzionate.

And then I realized that this wasn’t me but my guilty conscience.

Il senso di colpa che avevo dentro mi costringeva a scusarmi per cose banali perché, così facendo, mi stavo inconsciamente scusando per la mia infedeltà senza nemmeno esserne consapevole.

Locking eyes with your partner also feels really weird because every time you look them in the eye, you feel as if your soul starts to cry, as if you’ve done something so terribly wrong that killed your partner and the relationship you’re still in (even if your relationship died a long time ago).

And you can’t help but constantly analyze everything that happened in the hope that you’ll find a reason to justify your shameful act.

And while you’re constantly lost in your thoughts, you risk your partner noticing it and demanding to know what the hell is going on.

Quindi, avete due opzioni:

Continue pretending as if nothing happened – that you’re PMSing or having other female difficulties – or tell them what happened and hope for the best (if you still care about your partner and fixing your broken relationship).

Ma tenete presente che, anche se vi confessate, i problemi di fiducia rimarranno a lungo in una relazione.

Vedi anche: 6 comportamenti relazionali più dannosi del tradimento

3. There’s a reason WHY you did this

Molti pensano che il tradimento avvenga per caso e che la persona che ha tradito lo abbia fatto di proposito per ferire il partner o per soddisfare i propri desideri egoistici.

Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t people like this, but in the majority of cases (and in my case), cheating is an act of trying to fill the void caused by being in an unhappy relationship.

And by saying this, I’m not trying to justify my or any other cheater’s behavior.

I’m just trying to point out that the roots of cheating are much deeper than we think.

There’s a reason why you cheated on your partner and that reason is buried deep down in your heart.

In order to understand things better, you need to think about what has changed in your relationship, what’s missing, and how you feel about all that?

Vi sentite soli, non rispettati, non notati, non apprezzati, non meritevoli di amore?

Nel mio caso, sentivo che mancava qualcosa nella mia relazione, perché non c'erano più conversazioni significative, affetto fisico, sorprese reciproche e tutte quelle piccole cose che finiscono per significare molto.

And even though I tried to explain this to my partner, he wouldn’t want to listen to me, or he agreed but never really did anything about it.

E questo è stato il motivo per cui mi sono anche ritirato e ho smesso di fare uno sforzo nella nostra relazione.

That was the reason I cheated. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I wasn’t happy either.

Mi sembrava di essere bloccata in un incubo terribile e l'unica cosa che mi risvegliava per un attimo era il mio atto di tradimento.

When you realize what the real reason behind your infidelity is, you can make things right by gradually changing things in your relationship, if it’s possible.

If it’s not, then you should think about going separate ways because there’s no point in staying in a relationship that has no perspective or future, that makes you feel genuinely unhappy.

(Vorrei che qualcuno me lo avesse detto prima di tradire).

4. Vi sentirete la persona più schifosa del mondo

Even if there’s a valid reason for you cheating on your partner, you still feel like the shittiest person in the world.

Why? Because you betrayed their trust and you did something you wouldn’t want your partner or anyone else to do to you.

Even though I was really mad at the whole situation and my ignorant partner, that didn’t help me feel indifferent about my cheating moment.

Mi sono sentita molto triste, confusa e male con me stessa, pensando:

How could I’ve done such a thing when my whole life I was preaching the total opposite?

Per tutto questo tempo ho sostenuto la verità, l'impegno e le relazioni oneste, solo per finire ad essere un traditore.

The worst thing about it all is that even if your partner knows about it all and forgives you, you still can’t forgive yourself.

“The toughest battle you’ll ever fight in your life is the battle within yourself.”

I’ve always been my own biggest critic and that’s one of the reasons why I can’t accept the fact that I let myself do something really stupid.

My biggest critic inside me made me feel like I’m the shittiest person in the world and I didn’t even want my partner to ever forgive me because I would never be able to forgive myself.

Questa sensazione di essere un perdente diventa parte della vita quotidiana.

As you’re walking down the street, you often feel like everyone is pointing fingers at you, reminding you that you’re a cheater, liar, and someone who cannot be trusted.

And it’s not that you aren’t already doing the same to yourself.

It’s not that you’re not reminding yourself of your sinful act from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you fall asleep at night.
Ma con il tempo diventa più facile.

With time, you accept the fact that you made a mistake (if it can even be called that) and you’re terribly sorry for it, but still this doesn’t change anything.

5. It doesn’t mean that you’ll cheat again

I’m pretty sure that you’re familiar with that famous phrase: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

While there is some truth to it, it still isn’t completely valid and it demands an extensive discussion.

The fact that you cheated on someone once doesn’t mean that you’ve just earned a badge with the name “cheater” that will follow you for the rest of your life.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll cheat on your every future partner.

I can confirm this from the viewpoint of my case. I’ve cheated only once in my whole life and I doubt that I’ll ever repeat it again because:

a) mi dispiace terribilmente per lui, e

b) ho imparato lezioni preziose e non ho intenzione di rifare la stessa cosa.

And in my circle of friends, there are plenty of other people who cheated only once and swore that they’d never do the same thing again because now they understand what they ought to do if faced with the same situation.

So, if you’ve just cheated on your boyfriend or if you ever do in the future, know that this doesn’t mean that you’ll repeat it again and that you’ve become the ultimate cheater who’s going to ruin every single one of your future partners’ lives.

It may sound weird, but the only positive thing about my cheating experience is that I’m glad I realized the real weight of it and I’m one hundred percent sure that I won’t do it ever again.

If you realize the same, then you know you’re doing the best you can and you’re not a creep who doesn’t give a damn about how others feel.

6. Il tradimento ha un impatto sul vostro comportamento nelle relazioni e negli appuntamenti futuri.

Il senso di colpa è un sentimento potente che può rimanere presente anche anni dopo l'atto e, in alcuni casi, per tutta la vita.

It all depends on how sensitive you are and how you’re coping with the consequences of your actions.

Questo senso di colpa potrebbe avere un impatto sul vostro comportamento in incontri futuri e relazioni.

Per esempio, se sentite di dover essere punite per quello che avete fatto al vostro ex, scegliete inconsciamente uomini tossici e manipolatori per il gusto di essere ferite da loro, perché sentite di meritarlo.

Potreste avere difficoltà a trovare qualcuno che vi tratti bene perché vi sentite indegni del loro amore, attenzione e rispetto.

And that’s how you may find yourself ending up in another labyrinth of toxic men just because you aren’t able to forgive yourself for your past actions.

Also, you don’t have the strength to tell your potential partners that you were once involved in cheating because you’re afraid of scaring them away and ruining everything before it has even begun.

This dark shadow of “once a cheater” can greatly influence your future love life, but as with every other thing in life: