Perché non te ne vai
Deve piacerti.
You’re weak – You want attention.
Queste sono le dichiarazioni che ho ricevuto ogni giorno per anni da amici, familiari e sconosciuti che hanno assistito a tutto ciò che accadeva.
Even to this day when telling my story, looks of confusion and sympathy are painted across their faces. And then there is the occasional asshole who has only ever had good relationships in their life that thinks you enjoy what you’re going through.
Abuse ranges from emotional, physical, financial, sexual, and many more. I found myself in the worst emotionally & physically abusive relationship.
La mia contorta storia d'amore è iniziata con il controllo dei social media, poi con spintoni e spinte. È passata dagli sputi, ai calci, ai pugni, agli oggetti che mi sono stati lanciati contro e, infine, ai morsi e ai maltrattamenti subiti dal suo cane.
Poi c'era il controllo di se e quando potevo dormire, fare la doccia, truccarmi, chi vedevo in famiglia e quando potevo lavorare.
Staying felt in some royally messed up way safer then leaving. Imagine deciding to endure abuse because you’re more afraid of what happens after. Learning to do your day-to-day without being told what you will be doing that day or allowed to.
La parte più difficile è andarsene e non tornare. Potrei andarmene in preda alla sconfitta, alla rabbia, alla tristezza, ma non rispondere al telefono e accettare le scuse a metà è stata la parte più difficile.
HOPE WAS HUGE – Hope that it would go back to how it once was; hope that you’d change and realize what was going on wasn’t okay. Hope that you would just stop leaving marks across my body. In your drug-induced nice spells, you would talk about knowing that you can’t hurt me physically the way you were anymore.
L'originale Jekyll e Hyde in persona. Mi hai fatto sentire inutile e io ci ho creduto. Fino al giorno in cui tutte le mie speranze si sono esaurite, ho sopportato qualsiasi cosa mi venisse lanciata da te.
Leaving is not even a thought in your head most of the time. Or if it is one, it quickly fades away because the one abusing you I guarantee is a narcissistic asshole who knows telling you he’ll be with another woman or something insane like that will keep you there.
The thought of losing the person that you went through so much for is terrifying. You’ve gotten brainwashed into thinking you aren’t worth the dirt on the streets. But I’m here to tell you baby girl – the only dirt in your life is the one doing this to you!
I know this is scary, I know not answering his phone call literally makes you shake at the thought of how he is going to react. He is going to tell all of your friends you’re a terrible person, and he NEVER laid a hand on you or cheated. Trust and believe that once you walk away, anything private shared between you and him is now public knowledge.
I have been there. I stood with my head down, by myself, shaking outside of The Protection From Abuse (PFA) department in my county with tears running down my face. I froze. I couldn’t move until an officer approached me asking if I was lost.
Mi ero persa. Non sapevo più chi ero quando mi guardavo allo specchio. Non avevo idea di cosa mi piacesse, non avevo hobby, non avevo amici. Ho perso tutto nei tre anni in cui mi sono dedicata a lui.
Even after having court order put in place, it took a long time to want to face myself and see if the picture he painted me to be in my mind was the same one staring back at me in the mirror. It took a long time to be able to take a picture of myself and post it online. Finding myself beautiful again or leaving my house to be social took a very long time. Most of my friends have returned into my life. I’ve made more. I’ve started to date again. This was by no means easy, but I guarantee once you realize it is not normal to cry on a daily basis and be so upset, you will fall in love with the peace.
There is no overnight cure to fix the traumas you’ve endured. The only fix is time and self-love. Loving yourself and putting your safety, happiness, and future in your hands.
di Jess Heller
