Do you know what it’s like to constantly be the one who pulls the shorter end of the stick in life?
Do you know how it is to always to be the one who loves more, to be the one who gives more and to be the one who’s always there for people but never to have anyone to hold you when you’re breaking? Well, this girl does.
This girl has been through so much in life. If you lived a heartbreak, she had three of those. If you cried yourself to sleep once, she’s done it a thousand times before.
If you felt lonely and how you have no one in your life to guard your back, she’s been feeling like this a lot lately.
Yet, she never let anyone know how much she’s hurting. She never did that.
When someone remembered to ask how she was doing, despite the pain she felt, she’d always smile and offer the one, the only acceptable answer—fine.
From the time we are little, we’re taught that we need to be polite and how the only appropriate answer to question about how you are is, “I am fine.”
Well, screw polite and appropriate and most of all screw fine! No one should feel obliged to lie about their feelings or to feel like they have to bottle them up.
She’s a sensitive human being. I don’t know what others thought about how much pain she can take, but she was brought to the breaking point.
Actions of others broke her sensitive heart and everything everything that was bottled inside—it all started pouring out. The avalanche was started.
You know, when you’ve been shaking off the tears in your eyes for a long time, when you’ve been constantly on the edge of falling into the abyss but pulling yourself back, when you were one second away from screaming from the top of your lungs but you felt you had no other choice besides smiling, then it doesn’t take much to launch the avalanche and to show how you feel, how you’ve actually been feeling for a while.
Fine is never an appropriate answer. Fine is not how she feels either.
Fine is not what she wants to answer when others ask how she feels. She is not fine and she’s done pretending that she is.
How about we start being honest with each other? How about we start asking people how they’ve been and actually be interested in hearing a genuine answer?
How about we start seeing those who are not okay and how about we call them on it? How about we catch those who start breaking?
Can we start being more human again and start being less robotic, please? That’s exactly what she needs.
She is tired of pretending she’s fine. She’s tired of smiling when her heart is breaking.
She is exhausted from listening to other people’s problems, being there for them and then going back home to a cold bed with having no one who’d want to hear her problems or hold her while she cries.
She stopped convincing herself how she’s fine, too. She stopped telling herself how everything is okay and how she is not broken.
How her heart is not aching. How she is happy. How it’s all okay and how it will disappear when she wakes up.
She stopped pretending she’s whole when she’s not.
She no longer wants to lie. She no longer wants to appear to be okay, but fall apart inside. She wants to scream and she wants to cry.
She wants to fall apart. She wants to let it all out.
You know why? Because she’s been holding it in for too long.
She didn’t want to burden other people with her troubles. She didn’t want to bore others or make them worry about her. She didn’t want them to be hurting because of her.
That’s how selfless she is. But the time has come for her to take care of herself.
The time has come to pause everything else and make sure she is really okay. That’s why she no longer pretends she’s fine.
She wants to be okay and she wants to be happy again.
And admitting to yourself you’re not is the first step towards healing. She is not fine now, but she will be again one day.
