Como superar alguém: O guia definitivo para seguir em frente

Desgosto: a palavra que é o oposto de amor e que pode mudar a sua vida em segundos.

No final de uma relação com a pessoa amada, só se pensa no porquê e no como.

Porque é que se tem de passar por estas baixas pós-rutura de um coração partido e como é que se pode esquecer alguém que se amava tão profundamente?

Em breve, dá por si a comer um litro de gelado enquanto volta a ver os seus programas de televisão preferidos e filmes de partir o coração, como The Notebook, para lhe dar uma sensação de compreensão e algum tipo de conclusão sobre a sua relação falhada.

Num determinado momento do processo de luto, dá por si a pensar no que aconteceu em todas as suas relações passadas, perseguir o seu ex nas redes sociais torna-se o seu principal passatempo e a sua próxima relação é uma missão impossível.

You simply can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it would be illuminated by a fluorescent lamp.

(I hope I made you laugh even for a second because I know how hard it is to even think of moving your lips, let alone smile when you’re in that situation).

And that’s okay. It’s totally okay to feel like total crap, to cry out loud, and to curse your destiny because you’re only human after all.

It’s okay to let the negative emotions overwhelm you because you’re a human being made of flesh, emotions, passion and will.

It’s okay to feel hopeless about deixar ir porque é um processo, e será preciso muito tempo e paciência até que algo mude.

So, I will not tell you (like the majority of others) that you will get over someone if you strictly do this or that. No, things don’t work that way.

Quando uma relação termina, entra-se no domínio da incerteza, da desilusão e do desespero, e tudo isto faz parte do processo de cura.

É preciso senti-lo para o curar, porque a única saída é através dele!

Even though dwelling in pain and dealing with confusing emotions is the last thing you would want to do, it’s necessary because you need to go through it in order to delete it, destroy it—exterminate it.

The biggest mistake you could do is try to ignore all those painful emotions and pretend that you’re happy while literally dying from the inside.

You need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling because breaking up with your loved one equals losing yourself, your sanity, and feeling like you’ll never be able to love again.

Romantic relationships end for various reasons, but you need to know that your life doesn’t end with them (even though it feels like the opposite), and all you need to do is give yourself a fair amount of time to grieve.

And if it feels impossible and you feel like you’re going to burst like a bubble from all the pain that has accumulated in your body and mind, then you know you’re not grieving the loss of your loved one, but you’re grieving the loss of an idea you had about your future life with your loved one.

It’s important to understand this one because it can significantly change your perspective on heartbreak and speed up the entire healing process.

At the end of the relationship, the entire sequence of possibilities and things that could have happened in the future ran through your head like a hurricane because now that you broke up, this sequence has disappeared into thin air, and you simply can’t accept it yet.

You can’t accept the fact that your life will change its course, and all the things you’ve imagined will never become a reality.

And that’s where you lose yourself. So, if you’re wondering how to get over someone you are in love with, the answer is in finding yourself again because that’s what you’ve lost in the first place.

Yes, you lost your ex-partner in crime, your lover, and probably a best friend all in one, but you also lost yourself because you’re no longer defined by your old relationship.

All of a sudden, you’re left on your own and that feeling of hopelessness is what terrifies you the most; that feeling of losing your identity and losing the sense of the future that you could have had together.

Another important thing to understand is that getting over someone is a process and not a destination. It’s a process that requires patience and some more patience (no matter how irritating this sounds to you).

And the sooner you start the healing process, the sooner you’ll start feeling better!

So, let’s not waste any more time, and instead, take a deep breath and dive decisively into the matter!

O guia definitivo consiste nos aspectos cruciais para restaurar a sua identidade, encontrar o seu verdadeiro eu e concentrar-se em estabelecer uma perspetiva positiva.

Alguns destes aspectos são: cuidar de si, aceitar, observar as coisas de uma perspetiva diferente, encontrar novas fontes de significado, apreciar, etc., e são da maior importância quando se trata da arte de seguir em frente!

1. Rodeie-se de pessoas que se preocupam verdadeiramente consigo

After a breakup, you enter a zone of negative emotions that can be really draining for your overall well-being. It’s because the only thing you can think of is them—your ex.

The only thing you’re focused on is thinking about why they’re no longer in your life and why things ended the way they ended.

You build walls around yourself and you don’t let anyone near them, not even your close people who were always there for you in good times and bad.

And that’s exactly what you need to do in order to gradually detach from that toxic zone of negative emotions.

Precisa de se rodear de pessoas que se preocupam verdadeiramente consigo porque, ao fazê-lo, criará uma zona de emoções positivas que é crucial para o processo de cura.

Spend time with your close friends and family. Contact that old friend you haven’t heard from for a long time now, and enjoy every second of reuniting and doing things you like.

2. Permita-se sentir as emoções negativas

Embora passar tempo com pessoas que realmente gostam de si seja o primeiro passo para a cura, permitir-se sentir as emoções negativas é também um dos passos necessários após uma separação.

Como já foi dito acima: É preciso senti-lo para o curar, porque a única saída é através dele! Agora, o que é que isto significa?

Isto significa que não deve reprimir os seus sentimentos e emoções porque isso não lhe trará nada de bom. De facto, só irá prolongar a sua dor e o processo de cura.

É preciso permitir-se sentir as emoções negativas, chorar em voz alta se necessário, amaldiçoar tudo e todos e comer toneladas de batatas fritas ou gelados.

But, the only thing that you mustn’t do—no matter what—is suppress what you feel. Suppressing is like freezing yourself in the painful state that you’re in, and if you freeze it, you’ll stay forever like that.

You need to defrost yourself by allowing yourself to indulge in the spectrum of negative and painful emotions because that’s the only way to accept them and move on.

Ver também:8 sinais de emoções reprimidas e formas de lidar com elas com sucesso

3. Analisar objetivamente como era realmente a relação e por que razão terminou

After a relationship ends, it’s really hard to look at things objectively because you still think with your heart.

Tem tendência para se concentrar apenas nas coisas que foram positivas, negligenciando assim todos os aspectos negativos da sua relação passada.

This practice makes you stuck in a labyrinth of illusion where you’re convinced that things could have progressed differently even though deep down in your heart, you know that this is not true.

And when you’re convinced that things could have ended differently, you deliberately decide to keep dwelling in your pain and tormenting yourself over things you couldn’t or can’t control.

That’s why you need to take an objective look at what the relationship was really like.

Ask yourself whether you were genuinely happy in the relationship and how things changed—because they probably did given that you’re no longer together.

Você ou o seu parceiro eram demasiado ciumentos ou prejudicaram de alguma forma a confiança na vossa relação?

Deixaram de se esforçar, de se surpreender mutuamente e de lutar pelo que tinham?

Quando perceber o que realmente aconteceu e porque é que a sua relação acabou, será mais fácil aceitar a separação e aplicar estas lições também nas suas relações futuras.

4. Voltar a conhecer-se a si próprio

Quando se está numa relação, perde-se literalmente algumas partes de nós próprios devido à necessidade de compromisso, de sacrifício, etc.

Isto significa que se perde a si próprio, o que faz com que o desgosto ainda mais doloroso e insuportável.

That’s why it’s important to get to know yourself again—to figure out who you really are, what you need, what are your passions, your purpose, and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

If you want to learn how to get over someone whom you loved deeply, you need to fall in love with yourself again, and the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll start feeling better about the whole breakup thing.

Instead of wasting your time on overthinking, do things you love and you’re passionate about. Cook new meals, find a new hobby, learn to dance, sing or just go for a long walk.

Think about yourself before the relationship and what are the lessons that you’ve learned in the process. Think about what you really want in the future and how you want to feel.

You certainly don’t want to stay forever in this state of misery that you’re in at the moment, right?

Por isso, reconhecê-lo e desejar sentir-se feliz e despreocupado é o primeiro passo para a cura. Cuidar de si é o primeiro passo para se voltar a conhecer.

Ver também: Isto é o que significa realmente amarmo-nos a nós próprios

5. Falar sobre o assunto com alguém

If you’re feeling too overwhelmed while coping with your negative feelings on your own, another alternative would be talking it out with someone.

De facto, deve fazê-lo mesmo que prefira lidar com as suas emoções sozinho. Porquê?

Porque quando falamos com alguém olhos nos olhos, podemos exprimir-nos mais facilmente e ver as coisas com mais clareza.

Sometimes, all we need is someone to listen to us because by saying everything that’s on our hearts, we’re getting rid of the painful weight on our shoulders.

And we see things differently. When you’re thinking about something on your own in your own four walls, you risk entering the zone of overthinking which can cause real damage in the long run.

Mas, quando partilhamos os nossos pensamentos com os outros, estes transformam-se em algo significativo.

Ficam perfeitamente organizados, facilitando assim a compreensão de toda a situação.

6. Ponha os seus pensamentos e emoções no papel

Outra alternativa a falar com alguém é colocar todos os seus pensamentos e emoções no papel num ambiente seguro.

This will give you a clear insight on how you really feel about the breakup, if there’s any progress, and what you should be doing differently.

Talvez uma ideia ainda melhor seja escrever um diário, porque o ajudará a acompanhar a evolução dos seus sentimentos dia após dia.

Whenever you feel odd or feel like doing something that you shouldn’t (such as stalking your ex on social media or begging him to come back to you), just write it down in your journal, and you’ll feel much better.

Basicamente, escreva o seguinte: I have the abnormal urge to call my ex and tell him some things so that he can see that we belong together, but I know that I shouldn’t be doing this because I need to detach from the breakup and spend time on my own or with my friends.

If I do it, I know that I will only prolong the pain that I’m feeling at the moment and that’s why I won’t do it. Period.

Whenever you have these urges to do something “out of the ordinary”, just write down the reasons why you want to do it and why you think you shouldn’t.

Depois, leia-o algumas vezes até fazer efeito. Prometo-lhe que ajuda.

7. Saia da sua zona de conforto

Depois de alguns dias passados na cama com litros de gelado, programas de televisão e filmes, cai-se numa rotina chamada inatividade.

Inactivity is the biggest enemy of the healing process, and that’s why you need to get out of your rut by getting out of your comfort zone.

Summarized, you need to do things that you don’t normally do and things that you’re, let’s say, passionate about.

This includes bungee jumping, going for a walk at 3 AM, acting like a complete fool on the street with your friends, wearing unconventional clothes, ordering something really creepy that you’d never normally eat, and similar.

Sair da sua zona de conforto também significa enfrentar os seus medos, desafiar-se a si próprio e aceitar o facto de que só vive uma vez, por isso, porque não aproveitar a vida enquanto pode?

Por que razão há-de perder o seu tempo a pensar excessivamente no seu ex quando podia estar a aproveitar a vida ao máximo?

Now, I know that this is easier said than done, but it’s true, and the sooner you accept it, the better.

8. Accept that loss is part of life and there was a reason why the relationship didn’t work out

You need to accept the fact that both loss and gain are inevitable parts of life, and there was a reason why the relationship didn’t work out.

Usually, the number one reason why a relationship ends is because you weren’t meant to be because if you were, you would still be together.

Em vez de se culpar a si próprio ou ao seu parceiro, tente estar grato pela separação (por muito estranho que pareça) porque Deus nunca nos tira uma coisa sem a substituir por outra melhor.

Just because your relationship failed, this doesn’t mean that your love life will be doomed eternally.

Again, there’s a reason why the relationship didn’t work out, and there’s no point in being in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life, right?

By losing something toxic like a bad relationship, you’re opening doors to greatness in the future where you’ll finally be happy with someone with whom you’re meant to be!

9. Remember there isn’t just one person out there for you

When we fall in love with someone, we think that’s the only person for us, and we’re not interested in anyone else.

We forget the fact that there are billions of other people in the world, and there isn’t just one person out there for us.

Esquecemo-nos disso porque nos apaixonamos pelas suas peculiaridades e defeitos, pelo seu sorriso, pela sua maneira especial de fazer as coisas e pela sua personalidade única.

And, when we break up, we convince ourselves that we’ll never find another person like them with their characteristics.

Mas, e se encontrássemos alguém que fosse ainda mais especial, à sua maneira, do que a pessoa com quem acabámos?

Nunca pensamos no facto de que voltar a apaixonar-se não tem nada a ver com encontrar alguém idêntico ou semelhante ao nosso ex, mas acontece naturalmente quando menos esperamos, e acontece sem razão aparente.

So, while you may be convinced that you’ll never be able to fall in love with someone else again, I can assure you that you will (because it happened to me).

Ver também: Brilho pós-separação: 5 passos para uma pessoa mais feliz

COISAS QUE NUNCA DEVES FAZER SE QUERES ESQUECER ALGUÉM!

The process of getting over someone is not only about focusing on things that you should do, but also keeping in mind those things that you shouldn’t do.

To help you prevent yourself from making mistakes that could prolong your healing process, here are some things that you should never do—no matter what:

1. Analisar excessivamente a razão pela qual a relação terminou

While it’s necessary and important to acknowledge all the facts and potential reasons why the relationship ended, it’s not recommended to overanalyze it. Why?

Because by doing that, you’re not defining things but prolonging the pain.

Lembre-se de que precisa de ter uma perspetiva clara da sua separação e que pensar e analisar demasiado terá o efeito contrário.

2. Agarrar-se à raiva ou à culpa

When a relationship ends, it’s in our nature to be determined to find the culprits for why it really ended.

Muitas vezes culpamo-nos a nós próprios ou ao nosso ex-parceiro e guardamos raiva porque não conseguimos fazer algo diferente e semelhante.

Sempre que se sentir assim, lembre-se de que ninguém tem culpa do que aconteceu.

You broke up because it was necessary and because there was a real reason why the relationship simply didn’t work out.

There’s no need to hold on to anger or blame because it will not change anything.

3. Perseguir o seu ex nas redes sociais

A primeira coisa que a maioria das pessoas faz quando acaba com o seu parceiro é persegui-lo nas redes sociais.

But, this is a big no-no, and I think it’s pretty much self-explanatory.

Basically, stalking is another word for torturing yourself because it means that you haven’t accepted that things have ended between you and that you still wish to be a part of their life, even if it means only virtually.

Don’t do that. Block them on your social media, stop calling and contacting them, and soon you’ll stop thinking about them.

It’s as simple as that but, as everything else, this practice needs patience and time.

Ver também: Como parar de pensar em alguém: 15 passos para tirar essa pessoa da sua cabeça

4. Implorar ao teu ex para voltar para ti

If you want to learn how to get over someone, you definitely shouldn’t beg them to come back to you.

Isto inclui contactá-los constantemente ou contactar os vossos amigos comuns e pedir-lhes que sejam os vossos intermediários ou algo do género.

Remember that getting over someone is about deleting them from your life and not welcoming them back—no matter how much it seems like the right thing to do.

5. Saltar para uma relação de ricochete

Many people think that after a breakup, the only thing that will help them get over someone is jumping into a new relationship—aka a rebound relationship—as soon as possible.

Isto é realmente perigoso e não só para a pessoa que está a tentar ultrapassar alguém, mas também para o seu novo parceiro. Porquê?

Because it’s too early, and jumping into a relationship while your wounds haven’t healed yet will also harm your new partner as well.

Será uma relação de montanha-russa em que não faz ideia do que realmente quer, do que realmente sente ou do que realmente deve fazer.

A melhor coisa a fazer é passar algum tempo sozinho, rodeado pelas pessoas que lhe são próximas, antes de se lançar em qualquer tipo de relação, porque o mais provável é que acabe como a anterior.

The last thing you need in life is to cause a heartbreak to another person because that person might do the same to another person, and there you have it—the chain of never-ending heartbreaks.

Ver também: O que é um diário de lixo? Ideias, segredos e dicas

Considerações finais

As already said, getting over someone is a process and not a destination. This means that you can’t do everything above in one day and expect a miracle to happen.

It doesn’t work that way. You need to implement all the above things into your life, and pay special attention to the things that you should never do if you want to get over someone.

Over time, you’ll get there!

In case you’re wondering how long it takes to get over someone, according to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a breakup, but still everything depends upon the individual and the length of your relationship.

So, there’s no need to worry.

Some people need more time, some people need less to get over someone, but in the end, I can assure you that you’ll get into the zone where you’ll forget that you even were in a relationship because your soul will be filled with acceptance, and you’ll become in touch with yourself again.

E para que isso aconteça, a única coisa de que precisa é de paciência e de acreditar.

Ver também: 6 passos para esquecer alguém que tens de ver a toda a hora