Como pensam os traidores (e porque é que nunca os deves aceitar de volta)

Não nos iludamos. Encontrar um parceiro fiel tornou-se como encontrar um unicórnio.

At first, they are all nice and trustworthy and, after some time, they become something you’d never imagine – cheaters.

No, I’m not saying that the entire male and female population are a bunch of cheaters, but this cheating trend is definitely on the rise.

Mais de metade dos meus amigos já foram traídos em algum momento das suas vidas, e eu não sou exceção.

A pergunta de um milhão de dólares é: Porque é que as pessoas fazem batota?

Is cheating a decision made in a split second or a process that consists of many underlying issues in a relationship? What exactly happens in a cheater’s mind?

I’m not one of those people who take sides and blame one party for being bad or glorify the other for being victims.

I believe that there’s a reason for every action, and yes, cheating sucks and cannot be justified no matter how sorry the person is (if they’re sorry at all).

O interior da mente de um batoteiro

Há muitas razões para alguém decidir trair o seu parceiro.

They might be bored with their current relationship, want attention, or not know what they want (that’s the most confusing reason of all).

Seja qual for a razão, uma coisa é certa: People usually decide to cheat on their partner because they crave something that’s missing in their current relationship.

Pode ser qualquer coisa (falta de esforço, de atenção, de afeto, de espontaneidade, etc.).

The biggest mistake of cheating individuals is refusing to talk to their partner about how they could improve their relationship (there’s a reason for that too).

The main reason they “refuse” to talk to their partner about what’s missing in their relationship is that they’re not even aware of it (that something’s missing) until they find it in another person.

This may sound like a vicious cycle, but it is nothing that can’t be solved with regular open and honest communication, which is the basis of every healthy and happy relationship.

To help you better understand what’s really going on inside a cheating person’s head and the whole process of it, here are some interesting FACTOS sobre a batota e coisas que todos os parceiros de traição têm em comum:

• Every cheater is overly protective of their cell phone

• Men cheat more than women (sorry guys)

• (Most) cheaters feel insecure in their current relationship

• Cheating partners tend to flirt with everyone around them

• A lack of intimacy is the first sinal de que o seu parceiro pode estar a trair em si

• Cheating partners don’t think the affair partner is ‘better’ but instead ‘different’ than their current partner

• Narcissistic individuals are more likely to cheat

• Criticizing you is their way of trying to draw attention away from their bad behavior

• Cheating happens mostly when drunk

• Unhappy marriages and relationships lead to cheating

De todos os factos acima referidos sobre parceiros de traiçãoTenho vontade de chamar a atenção para este caso: Cheating partners don’t think the affair partner is ‘better’ than their current partner.

Esta é a única coisa que a maioria dos parceiros que foram traídos pensam.

Perdem a confiança e convencem-se de que o parceiro pensa que não são suficientemente bons e que o parceiro do caso é melhor do que eles em todos os aspectos.

This is not true at all. Cheating partners don’t think that their affair partner is better than you, but they see them as different from you.

There’s a huge difference between the two.

Sei que isto não é muito reconfortante, mas saber isto é certamente benéfico para a sua autoestima.

Podem enganá-lo, mas nunca deixe que destruam a sua confiança.

A transferência de culpas é o seu jogo favorito.

The basis of understanding a cheater’s nature is knowing their coping mechanisms after their sinful act.

A transferência de culpas é definitivamente o seu jogo favorito.

Rarely will you see a cheater admitting that they’ve made a mistake (if it can even be called so) and that they’re sorry for it.

Normalmente, continuam a ser infiéis enquanto não se sabe nada sobre o assunto.

Once you confront them about their cheating nature, they enter blame-shifting mode, or they pretend that nothing is going on and you’re just being paranoid.

This can be really confusing and frustrating, but that’s just how their mind operates when you start suspecting that they’re doing something behind your back or when you have proof of them being unfaithful.

Instead of admitting that they’re guilty of cheating, they will focus on finding ways to make you feel at fault instead.

Fazem-no para não serem o centro das atenções. Querem desesperadamente que as atenções se concentrem em si e não nelas.

Aqui estão alguns coisas frustrantes que os traidores dizem quando são confrontadosacompanhado dos meus humildes comentários entre parêntesis:

"You don’t trust me!” (Hell, no.)

"Foi apenas um caso isolado.” (Yeah, sure.)

"It didn’t mean anything to me.” (That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a cheater.)

"It’s not what it looks like.” (I’m pretty sure that all these calls and texts are not from your grandma and that constantly staying late at work is not a pure coincidence.)

"I’m not happy anymore.” (Well, you could have said that earlier.)

"I did it because we weren’t having enough sex.” (Well, you could have addressed the issue earlier.)

"Ele(a) atirou-se a mim!” (A stranger on the street also came on to me, but that didn’t mean I needed to follow them into their apartment.)

"Isso aconteceu há muito tempo. Atualmente, as coisas são diferentes.” (Even if it happened five years ago, it still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a cheater.)

"I didn’t want to hurt you.” (Too late for that now, wouldn’t you agree?)

Lidar com um batoteiro que se faz de vítima

Outro jogo favorito dos batoteiros é fazer-se de vítima.

It’s when they are so desperate to present themselves as poor creatures who didn’t know what they were doing or who were bewitched by their affair partner.

Lidar com um batoteiro que se faz de vítima pode ser um desafio, mas como tudo o resto, é algo que pode ser dominado.

Aqui estão os melhores formas de lidar com um batoteiro que se faz de vítima:

• Make sure they know that nothing justifies cheating.

Just because they were feeling bored at the time doesn’t mean that cheating was the right option.

Or just because they were lacking something in your relationship doesn’t mean it was okay to cheat on you.

Nada justifica a batota, porque há muitas formas não batoteiras de resolver os problemas.

• Tell them how you feel about this whole thing.

Often cheaters don’t even know how you’re feeling about the whole thing until you tell them.

Por isso, diga-lhes como se sentiu com a sua traição.

• Ask them how they would feel if you were the one cheating on them.

Para o ajudar a compreender as consequências das suas acções, apresente ao seu parceiro traidor uma inversão de papéis.

Pergunte-lhes como se sentiriam se estivessem no seu lugar. A resposta pode surpreendê-lo.

• Let them see the evidence (if you have any).

The moment they are faced with evidence, cheaters automatically stop playing the victim because there’s nothing they can do or lie about to justify their behavior.

I call this ‘the priceless moment of truth.’

Ver também: Como é que os traidores se sentem em relação a si próprios? 17 respostas e mitos desmascarados

Deve (ou NÃO) aceitar um traidor?

Now that you know so much about a cheater’s nature, there’s one last thing you need to think about, and that is: Should you get back together with a cheater or not?

I will not tell you whether you should or shouldn’t because it’s a decision that everyone has to make for themselves.

Mas o que posso fazer é ajudar-vos a fazer a escolha certa.

Dito isto, eis alguns exemplos legítimos razões pelas quais nunca se deve voltar atrás de um traidor:

• Chances are high that they will do it again

• They might not love you enough (as you love them)

• It’s impossible to forget their cheating act

• Trust issues are a real challenge in a relationship

• You deserve better

Se acha que estas razões não são suficientemente boas, sinta-se à vontade para lhes dar uma segunda oportunidade.

But, if you don’t think that taking them back will make you happy, then you know what you ought to do.

When it comes to making the right decision regarding a cheater, it’s important that you think about yourself. Is reuniting with them a good idea?

Ainda os ama? Estão ambos dispostos a trabalhar para melhorar a vossa relação?

Se apenas um dos parceiros estiver disposto a trabalhar no seu comportamento e na sua relação, esta não funcionará.

Ambos os parceiros têm de estar igualmente empenhados e dispostos a trabalhar em conjunto.

All in all, I’m sure you’ll make the right choice for both you and your partner.

Just don’t rush into anything and take some time to think about it. Good luck.