Como se desligar emocionalmente de alguém: 14 passos para o sucesso

Apesar da crença popular, a parte mais difícil de rutura com o seu ente querido não é habituar-se à vida sem ele ou ao desgosto que se vive.

It’s being left with the question: Como é que me desapego de alguém que significa o mundo para mim?

Well, Khalil Gibran once said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

In other words, you can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that you should become emotionally dependent on them.

De facto, todos os romances em que duas pessoas estão emocionalmente codependente é uma má relação.

Well, if you’re wondering how to detach from someone who is no longer with you, here is a detailed step-by-step guide through your detachment process.

1. Accept that it’s over

Antes de se desligar de alguém com sucesso ou mesmo de descobrir como se desligar emocionalmente, é preciso, antes de mais, aceitar a realidade.

Your bad relationship is over. Yes, it was bad and that’s why terminou.

I know that this isn’t easy. Your heart is broken and you think that you don’t have the strength to face the painful truth.

Instead, you live in denial. You keep hoping that this is not the end and that you don’t have to go through the process of emotional detachment.

Well, the number one mistake most people make when they end any relationship (and this especially goes for romances) is that they start obsessing on getting their ex – whom they still love – back.

I get it. You miss this person badly and at this initial point, you’d do everything in your power to reconcile with them.

Por isso, passamos semanas ou mesmo meses a tentar subtilmente reconquistá-los ou até a implorar-lhes abertamente uma nova oportunidade.

Esperamos pacientemente para ver o seu número de telefone no ecrã e colocamos a nossa vida em espera, esperando que essa pessoa volte.

I’m not here to give you lectures about your self-worth and why this is something you should never do for multiple reasons. In fact, I’ll just warn you about one thing.

When you find yourself in a situation like this, after a while you’ll turn around and see that you haven’t actually moved an inch – that your state of mind is exactly the same as it was the first day of your breakup.

Despite the fact that this person has been physically absent from your life for some time, you feel like you’ve just lost them.

You keep on expecting their phone call or text message where they tell you they can’t live without you.

That is exactly why it’s crucial not to waste any of your time on running from the truth or on trying to change something that can’t be fixed.

Instead of putting all of your strength into getting this person back, make a decision that, from this moment onward, you’ll start your healing process.

2. Dar passos de bebé

I won’t lie to you – emotional detachment and complete peace of mind can’t come overnight.

Kicking out someone from your life physically is not easy. However, it’s a piece of cake in comparison to throwing them out of your heart, mind, and soul.

Ordering your emotions and thoughts is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. In fact, some even consider it impossible.

Well, that’s not true. This is definitely possible, but it is a process that involves a lot of time, energy, effort, devotion, and – most importantly – patience.

Therefore, you won’t accomplish anything if you rush yourself through this journey.

Em vez de ser duro consigo próprio e esperar que os milagres aconteçam de um dia para o outro, dê passos de bebé e avance um dia de cada vez.

Of course, there are a lot of people who are convinced that they’ve managed to emotionally detach themselves from someone in a blink of an eye.

However, that is not possible. In fact, in this case, it’s likely that nunca amaram a pessoa de quem estavam a tentar desligar-se a sério.

What is even more probable is that they’ve just repressed their emotions, which is certainly not a healthy way to deal with things.

They’ve done everything in a hurry, but all of their feelings will come flooding back sooner or later, when they least expect it to.

Por conseguinte, se quiser evitar este tipo de destino, esqueça a tentativa de varrer as coisas para debaixo do tapete, uma vez que esta prática lhe trará mais prejuízos do que benefícios a longo prazo.

Em vez disso, deixe o tempo fazer a sua magia e dê um pequeno passo de cada vez.

3. Permitir-se fazer o luto

Acabar com alguém e o desapego emocional que normalmente se segue anda sempre de mãos dadas com muitas luto.

Bem, outro erro que muitas pessoas também cometem é o facto de tentarem evitar esta fase.

This is perfectly understandable. After all, there’s not one person on this planet who enjoys a passar por um desgosto.

Ninguém gosta de escavar as suas feridas emocionais e arriscar-se a aprofundá-las ainda mais. No entanto, esta é também uma parte vital do processo de libertação da forma mais saudável possível.

Por isso, em vez de evitar que toda a sua dor venha à superfície, faça exatamente o contrário.

Don’t provoke it intentionally, but if you sense a wave of sadness coming, don’t try shutting it down.

Embrace your pain and see it as something completely normal. Don’t let it define you, but accept that you’re just a human being made out of flesh and blood and that you’re allowed to suffer.

Don’t think of yourself as weak for feeling this way either. If you have the urge to scream or cry, that’s exactly what you should do.

Of course, this type of behavior shouldn’t become a habit of yours. After all, you can’t keep on living like this forever, can you?

That’s exactly why you should give yourself a deadline. Determine a date until which you’re allowed to grieve.

You’re the one who knows yourself the best, so you’re also the only one who can at least predict the amount of time your heart will need to recover.

Até esta data, lida com a tua dor como te apetecer.

You don’t have to be smart and play your cards right during this period; just do whatever is easiest for you (except contacting the person you’re learning how to emotionally detach from).

Depois de decorrido esse período de tempo, organize-se e trabalhe no sentido de se libertar completamente.

4. Cortar todos os laços

I’m sure you’ve already heard about the (in)famous regra de não contacto. Trata-se de uma técnica que as pessoas costumam aplicar para recuperar os seus ex.

Basically, you cut all possible ties with this person for 30 to 90 days. No phone calls, no WhatsApp messages, no texting… If that doesn’t work, you even go as far as changing your phone number.

Dá-lhes a oportunidade de sentirem a sua ausência e de começarem a sentir a sua falta, e dá a si próprio muito tempo para organizar os seus pensamentos e descobrir o que e quem realmente quer.

Well, when you’re trying to detach yourself from someone, you’ll also cut all ties with them. Basically, you’ll go no contact with this person.

However, your no contact period is not temporary. Also, it’s not meant to serve as a tactic towards reconciliation.

Instead, it’s one of the steps towards your moving on for good.

Yes, I know we’re talking about emotional detachment here. Nevertheless, this is utterly impossible without physical detachment.

Por ordem expulsar alguém do seu sistemaprimeiro tens de os expulsar da tua vida. E quando digo expulsar, estou a falar a sério.

Basicamente, não há nenhuma opção em que vocês os dois continuem a ser os melhores amigos.

I know you want to be polite and you probably love this person as a human being before you see them as a romantic partner, but you can’t expect to over get over them if you stay on friendly terms.

Por conseguinte, isto significa que tem simplesmente de quebrar todas as ligações com essa pessoa. Não há mensagens de texto casuais, sair para tomar uma chávena de café, desejar feliz aniversário ou pôr a conversa em dia.

Sounds radical, I know. But it’s the only way for you to accept it’s really over, and save your mental and emotional health.

You see, staying in touch with someone you’re trying to forget equals reopening your wounds every time you have any kind of contact with them.

It’s moving forward one step and going back two, which is not your desired result.

Besides, you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Just based on this, it’s apparent that you have a way better chance of detaching yourself if you go no contact.

5. Livrar-se dos lembretes

However, cutting all ties usually means much more than just going no contact with someone you’re sadly still attached to.

It’s not enough to change your phone number, unfollow them on social media, block them on WhatsApp, and refrain from talking to them on a regular basis.

In fact, if you really want to know how to emotionally detach and achieve complete peace of mind, you’ll have to get rid of everything and everyone that might remind you of this person, as well.

If you two were in a long term relationship (we’re even talking about an ex husband or wife here), it’s perfectly natural that a lot of things and people around you are connected with this person.

Bem, seria melhor se conseguisses, pelo menos, distanciar-te de todos eles. Isto aplica-se especialmente aos vossos amigos íntimos comuns.

I know that you’ve grown to love these people, but the last thing you need is someone who will keep on talking about your ex and your memories together.

Besides, whether you like to admit it or not, you’ll always wonder if these people will talk to them about you and if they can serve you as a channel towards them.

Tens de admitir que esta é a última coisa de que precisas se queres realmente seguir em frente.

Therefore, the best thing would be to cut all ties with these people as well – at least for a certain period of time until you get better.

Don’t worry: If they’re your amigos verdadeiros, they’ll understand your situation. They won’t pressure you into seeing them; they’ll give you all the time you need.

On the other hand, if you’re coworkers with your ex, things can get a little tricky and breaking up is more difficult.

Nesse caso, faça o possível para manter a sua relação estritamente profissional e, se possível, tente encontrar outro emprego.

O mesmo se aplica às recordações físicas da sua relação falhada.

Em primeiro lugar, deixe de frequentar os sítios que você e o seu ex frequentavam. Isto é especialmente importante quando se trata de discotecas, centros comerciais, parques ou cafés onde espera encontrá-los.

A segunda parte é remover todas as suas fotografias e memórias das suas redes sociais e de outros ambientes.

When it comes to this person’s gifts and other things that remind you of them, you don’t have to throw away all of it.

Além disso, há-de chegar o dia em que cada uma destas coisas lhe fará sorrir em vez de o fazer chorar.

Por conseguinte, o melhor é manter alguns pequenos lembretes, mas escondê-los de si próprio até que o período crítico termine.

Another significant thing here is music. While you’re in the grieving stage, you’ll probably listen to a lot of sad songs on a regular basis to help you release your sadness.

However, in this phase, you should do your best not to listen to any songs that might remind you of the person you’re trying to emotionally detach yourself from.

6. Deixem de idealizar a vossa relação

The next step in your emotional detachment process is all about you idealizing your past relationship (or marriage, if we’re talking about your ex husband or wife).

Don’t worry: You’re not the only one doing this.

De facto, esta é uma prática comum entre os que estão de luto por uma separação. Pensa que a sua relação é muito melhor do que era na realidade.

Você sentir falta do seu ex boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you’ve forgotten all about your arguments and everything bad regarding your relationship.

Em vez disso, recorda apenas os dias bonitos e romantiza-os ainda mais.

Deste ponto de vista, o que vocês os dois tinham era um tipo de amor único. Tinham um tipo especial de ligação, uma ligação cármica.

You’re convinced that this person is your only soulmate and the only man or woman you’ll ever love this much.

Well, let me tell you that this is all pain talking. I don’t doubt that you and your ex cared for each other, but trust me, it was a romantic relationship like every other.

You had your ups and downs. Besides, the bad days apparently outnumbered the good. After all, you broke up for a reason, didn’t you?

Therefore, I promise you that your relationship wasn’t as perfect as it now might seem. Your ex boyfriend or girlfriend has their own set of flaws, and I assure you that you’ll find someone better than them.

I’m not saying that you should forget everything nice you shared with this person either.

Em vez disso, tente encarar as coisas da forma mais realista possível, o que lhe facilitará a superação de toda esta provação.

7. Lembra-te que podes sobreviver sem ninguém

So, you’re in a situation where you’re wondering how to detach from someone once you’ve built an emotional codependency with them.

Isto acontece frequentemente em relações com narcisistas.

These people convince you that you’re completely worthless without them and that breaking up with them never means breaking emotionally free from them.

You come to believe that you can’t make it without them, that you need them to continue existing.

Convence-se de que essa pessoa é o centro do seu universo, que a sua vida sem ela não teria sentido e que o seu bem-estar depende dela.

Assim, naturalmente, quando perdemos o nosso ente querido que era o Sol para a nossa Terra, sentimos que perdemos também todo o nosso valor próprio (mesmo que nos tenhamos apercebido que estávamos a lidar com um narcisista).

O seu estado de espírito altera-se ao ponto de pensar que a única forma de continuar a funcionar corretamente é fazer tudo o que estiver ao seu alcance para os ter de volta.

Bem, o ponto-chave no seu processo de desapego emocional é descobrir que nada do que foi mencionado acima é verdade.

You don’t need your ex – you chose them to be a part of your life. Actually, as self-centered as this might sound, the truth is that you don’t need anyone to survive. No one but yourself, of course.

After all, you lived and existed before this person came along. So, what makes you think that you can’t keep on doing that now that they’re gone?

Please, don’t forget that you’re stronger than you might think. Even if things don’t appear that way now, trust me that you’re more independent and self-sufficient than you think.

Tenha fé que pode e vai conseguir.

No, realizing all of this won’t magically make you forget all about this person, nor will it shut all of your feelings off just like that. The truth is that you’ll probably still miss them.

However, you won’t be emotionally attached to them anymore, which is the entire point, right?

8. Obter o força para os perdoar…

Most people think that emotional attachment has to mean that you only love this person we’re talking about. Well, the fact is, things are usually much more complicated than that.

In fact, when you’re in this kind of state, it’s pretty normal for you to feel all sorts of emotions.

One day, you love them and want them back, the next you hate them for leaving you, the day after that you think you’re finally over them, and so it goes on.

Don’t worry, this is nothing unusual and it doesn’t make you crazy. In fact, it’s just your brain and heart’s system of dealing with this roller-coaster you got yourself onto.

Basically, the point is that it doesn’t matter how you feel for your ex. The bottom line is the same: they exist inside of you, one way or another.

It’s pretty much the same if you love them or hate them. Either way, you’re still emotionally attached to them and need help letting them go.

That’s why you have to get the strength to forgive this person, even if it’s the last thing they deserve.

É preciso deixar de lado o ressentimento e o rancor se quisermos deixar de lado todos os sentimentos que temos por eles.

You’ll simply have to find a way to surpass the anger and the bitterness. Trust me: it’s the only way for you to set yourself free.

Be the better person and accept even the apologies you didn’t get. This won’t be easy, but it’s necessary for your healing process.

9. …and yourself

Mais importante ainda, é preciso encontrar a força para perdoar-se a si próprio. You see, sometimes you’re not emotionally attached to your ex – you’re still hung up on the person you were with them.

No, I’m not referring to the happy person you were back then. I’m talking about the fact that maybe you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself for not being smarter and for not knowing better.

Maybe you’re angry at yourself for still loving someone who obviously doesn’t deserve it.

Either way, the point is that you need to remember one thing: You just followed your feelings. You only broke your own heart and you’re not responsible for someone’s misfortune.

Por conseguinte, não há absolutamente nada que tenha de perdoar a si próprio. Lembre-se que estas coisas acontecem e que passar por algo assim faz parte da vida.

Por favor, pára de ser tão duro contigo mesmo e dá um tempo a ti mesmo.

10. Saber que isto vai passar

O próximo passo é não ver esta situação como o fim do mundo. Seja otimista e saiba que isto vai passar.

This is just a phase in your life – not a permanent state. You will get over it and sararás, even though it doesn’t look that way now.

O pior que se pode fazer é perder a esperança. Se perder a fé em si próprio, tudo isto será muito mais difícil.

Trust me, you’re not the only one to go through something like this. In fact, I bet that there’s not a person alive who hasn’t experienced something similar.

Look, I’ll be completely honest with you here. This is probably not the last time you’ll be asking yourself how to detach from someone.

You’re likely to fall in love with someone new in the future, and there is a possibility that you’ll have trouble forgetting them and detaching from them too.

No entanto, também passará, da mesma forma que esta experiência. Amanhã é sempre um novo dia e existe a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t see one.

11. Manter-se ocupado

Outra coisa importante aqui é manter-se o mais ocupado possível.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to tell you that you should run away from your feelings into overwhelming yourself with loads of work and other obligations.

However, if you’re sitting around and doing nothing, it’s more likely that your thoughts will end up drifting to where they shouldn’t go.

Whether you like it or not, when you’re bored, you’ll start thinking about your ex and catch yourself preoccupied with them again.

Por isso, a melhor maneira de o evitar é ter o dia todo preenchido se quiser deixar de ser obcecado sobre esta pessoa.

Para começar, inicie uma atividade física. Vá ao ginásio, faça exercício em casa, junte-se ao clube de caminhadas ou faça o que quer que canse o seu corpo.

First and foremost, this is one of the best ways to get rid of all of that anger you’ve got pent up deep inside. Also, I promise you that your mind will follow your body sooner than you might think.

When you’re physically exhausted, you have a better sleeping schedule and you simply have no strength left to think about someone you shouldn’t be thinking about.

Além disso, uma boa maneira de se manter ocupado é encontrar um novo passatempo. Este novo passatempo pode incluir aprender uma nova língua, dominar uma nova habilidade, juntar-se ao clube de leitura ou frequentar uma aula de arte.

It wouldn’t be bad if you could get in touch with some of your old friends either.

I know that you’re probably scared of their reaction, since you’ve been ignoring them while you were in a relationship, but you can always try reaching out to them.

After all, you’ve got nothing to lose. Besides, I have a pretty good feeling that they’ll understand you and take you back.

12. Redirecionar esta energia para si próprio

When you’re emotionally attached to someone who is no longer physically present in your life, you spend a lot of time and energy thinking about them.

Of course you want to avoid this, but you feel like you just can’t help yourself.

No matter what you do, you can’t help but wonder where this person is, how they are, and whether they also feel the emotional connection you do.

Não só isso, como também gastava muita energia com o seu ex enquanto estavam juntos.

Fizeste tudo o que podias para salvar a tua relação, apesar de uma parte de ti saber que estava condenada ao fracasso.

After that, you’ve spent ages crying and lamenting the loss of someone who is still alive. Basically, your feelings for this person have become your be-all and end-all.

Well, now it’s time to change that. And the best way to do so is to redirect all of the time you’ve been giving to your ex towards yourself.

Recolha toda essa energia e comece a investi-la na única pessoa que a merece: você.

For starters, do your best to start loving yourself the way you love your ex. Start thinking about your life as much as you’ve thought about theirs, and taking care of yourself the same way you did them.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is to take your ex off this pedestal you’ve obviously put them on. Stop prioritizing them and switch places between you two.

Para variar, ponha-se a si próprio e ao seu bem-estar em primeiro lugar. Pare de ligar toda a sua existência a essa pessoa e lembre-se que o seu pequeno universo gira à sua volta.

Trust me, your ex isn’t as important to you as they seem to be. You’re the most significant figure in your own life and the only one who really matters.

Therefore, you’re the one who deserves all the love in this world, your saúde mental e não há nada mais importante do que o seu bem-estar.

Please, use this time to build the person you’re destined to be. Grow and do everything in your power to become the best possible version of yourself.

Trabalhe a sua autoestima, perceba a importância do amor-próprio e desenvolva o seu sentido de autoestima.

Once you accomplish all of this, just like that, you’ll stop developing emotional codependency towards other people.

13. Aprender com o passado

Here’s the thing: As much as we’d like to, the fact is that nobody can change the past. So, the question is: What’s the point of obsessing so much over it?

That’s exactly what you’ve been doing. You’ve been dwelling on the past and completely disregarding the present and future.

Bem, em vez desta prática (que pode ser perigosa para a sua saúde mental), experimente tomar alguns aulas from everything you’ve been through.

Em primeiro lugar, toda esta experiência deve ensinar-lhe a nunca se permitir ficar emocionalmente dependente de outra pessoa.

You can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean that your entire world should stop turning if it happens that you lose them.

Another crucial lesson here is that you don’t actually need anyone but yourself. When you lose a loved one, you are convinced that you won’t be able to keep on living without them. But here you are.

So, I guess that you’re much stronger than you initially thought. You can take much more than you expected, and you have what it takes to go through life on your own, without anyone holding your hand.

Yes, you’re an independent and emotionally self-sufficient individual and don’t let anyone change that.

14. Pedir ajuda

Emotionally detaching yourself from a loved one is never easy. In fact, some people find themselves in a situation where they can’t cope with their feelings in this process on their own.

Se isto é algo com que se identifica, por favor ouça o meu conselho e peça ajuda a um familiar ou amigo próximo. Confie em mim, não há nada de que se deva envergonhar.

Acreditem em mim quando vos digo que qualquer fardo se torna muito mais leve quando o partilhamos com outra pessoa. O mesmo acontece com este bagagem emocional you’ve been carrying around.

I’m not saying that a third person will magically wipe away your pain. However, sometimes just talking to your best friend or a close family member helps a lot.

It becomes a lot easier to deal with all of this once you know that you’re heard and that you’re not alone.

Also, some people around you have also been through something similar to what you’re going through right now. Believe me, their experiences can serve you well.

É claro que cada um de nós tem o seu próprio ritmo e forma de lidar com as coisas. No entanto, a forma como os outros atingiram o seu objetivo e ultrapassaram o apego emocional pode, pelo menos, servir de inspiração.

Se nada ajudar, não há nada de vergonhoso em perguntar a um profissional como se desligar de alguém de uma forma saudável. Desejo-lhe a melhor das sortes!