Se eu seguir em frente não significa que te perdoei

Quando me deixaste, estranhamente, não tinha esperanças de voltar a ser tua nem de tentar reconstruir a nossa relação.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you – it’s just that you hurt me so badly that I never thought of giving you another chance, despite the fact that I ainda te amava.

Em vez de me esforçar para te reconquistar, dediquei toda a minha energia a tentar ultrapassar o trauma que me causaste e a superar o facto de o homem a quem dei todo o meu coração estar pronto para o desfazer em pedaços sem pestanejar.

Concentrei-me em encontrar uma forma de deixar de te amar.

Para ser sincero, no fundo, pensei que nunca conseguiria.

Pensei que nunca mais me ia livrar desta mistura louca de amor, ódio, nostalgia e repulsa que sentia sempre que me passavas pela cabeça.

E, francamente, isso era praticamente todo o tempo.

Estava convencida de que nunca conseguiria encontrar forças para te perdoar por me teres esmagado.

Eu tinha a certeza de que nunca poderia esquecer tudo o que me fizeste e toda a dor que me causaste.

No entanto, ao fim de algum tempo, lentamente, dei por mim a seguir em frente, sem sequer ter consciência disso.

Reparei que estava a ferir e curar ao mesmo tempoo que constituiu um enorme progresso.

Com o tempo, passo a passo, deixaste de existir dentro de mim. Contrariamente a todas as minhas expectativas, tornaste-te parte do meu passado doloroso.

So, I guess I was wrong. I don’t know if I thought I loved you more than I actually did or if I considered myself emotionally weaker than I actually was, but the fact is that, somehow, I managed to stop loving you.

However, I was definitely right about one thing: I never forgave you and I don’t plan on doing so.

I did move on, but that doesn’t mean I forgot the hell you put me through.

Luckily for me, I’m no longer consumed by resentment and hate.

However, just because I don’t spend every second of my every day wishing for you to drop dead, doesn’t mean I forgave you.

Me getting over you doesn’t mean that I suddenly got amnesia and all the issues and trauma you caused got magically erased.

That’s not to say that I managed to wipe out all the days I spent crying for you, all the sleepless nights I struggled to breathe, and all the moments I wanted to die.

O facto de eu deixou de amar you doesn’t delete the fact that you changed the essence of my being for good.

It doesn’t annul the fact that you damaged me beyond repair and I can never be the same girl I was before you stormed through my life.

It doesn’t mean I would ever want you back or that I’m okay with all the evil you brought me.

It doesn’t make your misdeeds acceptable nor you any less of a douchebag.

Me moving on doesn’t imply that I want all the best for you or I don’t wish karma gives you what you deserve.

It doesn’t mean that you have my blessing to find your happily ever after and it certainly doesn’t mean I wish you a long, prosperous existence.

You see, me choosing to carry on with my life doesn’t give you amnesty for all of your sins and it doesn’t change the fact that you did me wrong.

It just signifies that I was wise enough to realize that me remaining in one place, while you’re out there living your life as if nothing’s happened, would be the worst thing I could ever do.

So, no, I don’t want you to have a clear conscience.

I don’t want you to think that you’re entitled to a peaceful life, just because I found a way to put mine back together.

Call me a bad person, but I hope that you’ll spend the rest of your days haunted by each one of my tears.

That you’ll never stop regretting everything you made me go through. That you’ll experience all the devastating pain you made me feel.

Isto pode fazer-me parecer igual a ti, ou até pior, mas I hope that you’ll never be able to forgive yourself por me tratares da maneira que fizeste e acabares por me perder para sempre.

I hope that guilt and remorse will follow you wherever you go, as long as you breathe, because it’s the only way justice can be served.