Você é culpado de cometer estes 10 maiores erros de namoro?

It was just another Friday and I was getting ready for a date with a guy I’ve been texting for a few days. The date went well (actually, surprisingly well contrary to previous dates) and I was looking forward to seeing him again. 

And then, right after a fifth date something changed. “SURPRISE, SURPRISE!”

He no longer called me or texted me from time to time just to see how I was doing and even when he did, everything seemed forced by his side. I knew that something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what exactly was happening. 

Passado algum tempo, as suas chamadas irregulares foram substituídas por nenhumas chamadas. Eu estava sentada ao lado do meu telemóvel e a pensar em cometer um dos maiores crimes quando se trata de encontros: enviar-lhe uma mensagem de texto pela milionésima vez, só para ser ignorada uma e outra vez. 

Depois de uma longa sessão de reflexão, tive uma epifania: 

Eu era culpado de cometer um dos maiores erros nos encontros, conhecido como tentar demasiado. (Ok, eu também era culpado de estar a agir desesperadamente). 

Are you guilty of making some of the biggest dating mistakes? It’s time to find out! 

1. Jogar jogos não disponíveis durante demasiado tempo

I used to think that playing hard to get is a surefire method to grab the attention from someone you like. I thought playing unavailable games will let the other person know that I’m not so easily impressed by suitors and that I’m a high value woman. 

Bem, não há problema em jogar jogos indisponíveis se isso acontecer apenas durante um curto período de tempo e se o fizermos da forma correcta (read: you don’t overdo it). However, playing hard to get for too long is an absolute disaster and one of the biggest dating mistakes one can make. 

Porquê?

Because the other person will think that you were never interested in them in the first place and that you’re only playing mind games. There are better ways to let others know that you’re a high value woman/man instead of playing unavailable games. Um exemplo disso é definir os seus limites e manter-se fiel a eles. 

2. Tentar demasiado

É sempre o primeiro a telefonar e a enviar mensagens de texto? 

És sempre tu que os convidas para um encontro? 

Sente que precisa de se esforçar demasiado para conquistar a atenção deles e mostrar-lhes o quanto gosta deles?

If you’re trying too hard to win their affection, there’s a reason behind this phenomenon. Perhaps you think that you aren’t worthy of love and you need to try hard to deserve it, which is often linked with childhood traumas and demands adequate therapy.  

Or they aren’t really interested in you and you think that by trying too hard you will make them change their mind. If this is the case with you, here’s what I have to tell you: Nunca, e quero dizer NUNCA, conseguirá fazer com que alguém se interesse por si ou lute por si se se esforçar demasiado. 

Trying too hard to impress someone is linked with desperation and lack of self-love. So, instead of putting all your efforts into making someone like you, focus on falling in love with yourself and you’ll start attracting the right people.

3. Exigir demasiado

Do you demand to have dinner/drinks paid by them? Do you demand that they help you with anything you’re going through at the moment? Do you demand that they do what you say?

Tal como tentar demasiado, exigir demasiado é outro erro nos encontros. De facto, tentar demasiado e exigir demasiado são dois extremos tóxicos e, como tal, devem ser evitados. 

Keep in mind that the person you’re dating is not responsible for your happiness, finances, and well-being. They can help you with things if they want to but you shouldn’t demand that they do things for you, especially if they aren’t comfortable with doing so.

Exigir demasiado é a receita para uma relação infeliz e pouco saudável, em que uma pessoa exige e a outra se esforça por satisfazer as suas necessidades em troca de amor e afeto. Quer estar numa relação assim? (E eu pensei que sim.)

4. Pensar que é preciso ter uma química instantânea

Muitas pessoas pensam que devem sentir uma química intensa e instantânea logo no primeiro encontro. SURPRESA: Isso raramente acontece. 

So, when you don’t experience that instant and strong chemistry everyone is talking about in real and virtual life, you might not be interested in dating them any longer.

Here’s the thing with chemistry: Algumas pessoas sentem uma química intensa num primeiro encontro, enquanto outras precisam de mais tempo para a desenvolver. A química não é algo que acontece sempre por defeito, mas também pode ser um processo. 

Chemistry levels increase through eye contact, deep conversations, subtle touches, laughing and having a good time. So, thinking you have to have instant chemistry is nonsense and it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker in dating. 

5. Ter relações sexuais demasiado cedo

Having casual sex with someone you don’t consider being in a relationship with is a completely different thing. But having sex too soon with someone you see as a relationship material is, undoubtedly, one of the biggest dating mistakes.

Now, what exactly is ‘too soon’? There’s this unwritten rule that having sex on a third date is absolutely acceptable. This isn’t the case with everyone and, in my humble opinion, it shouldn’t be. It takes time to get to know someone, so you shouldn’t have sex for at least 5 weeks of getting-to-know-each-other. 

Also, it all depends on how frequent your dates are. If you date once or twice a month, then the process of getting to know each other will be longer than usual. Here’s another valuable advice:  Forget about these numbers and unwritten rules but focus on how you feel about the person you’re dating. 

Have you built an emotional connection? Do you trust them and vice versa? Do you feel like you’re ready to have sex with them or are you anxious about doing it too soon? 

Estas são as perguntas que deve fazer a si próprio antes de ter relações sexuais com alguém de quem gosta e que vê como um potencial parceiro. 

6. Ignorar sinais de alerta

When we like someone, we often ignore red flags and make excuses for their behavior. We do that because we’re unwilling to admit to ourselves that they might not be that interested in us or we think that we can change their opinion. 

Ignorar as bandeiras vermelhas nunca trouxe nada de bom para ninguém e é o maior erro de namoro de SEMPRE. Ao ignorar as coisas negativas feitas por alguém com quem namora, está na verdade a prejudicar-se a si próprio. 

Alguns dos maiores sinais de alerta de encontros são os seguintes:

• Second-guessing your feelings for them (which happens for a reason)

• Being pressured to get physical before you’re ready

• Ghosting

• Manipulations and mind games

• Jealousy issues

• Flaking out on plans, etc. 

Ignorar estas coisas e outras semelhantes resultará, muito provavelmente, num desgosto e em muitas noites sem dormir. Por isso, faça um favor a si próprio e ouça o seu instinto. 

7. Tornar-se oficial demasiado depressa

Tal como referi no sinal anterior, é preciso tempo para conhecer alguém, por isso, tornar-se oficial demasiado depressa é algo que deve ser evitado. Geralmente, os casais tornam-se oficiais após 2-3 meses de namoro.

No entanto, quando se trata de encontros, nunca sugiro a ninguém que se concentre apenas nos números. Some people will be ready to become official after 3 months of dating while others won’t, and that’s okay. 

Keep in mind that it’s always better to wait longer than ruin things by labeling your relationship too soon in case you aren’t certain about it. It’s always better not to make a dating mistake than to make one, right?

8. Ter expectativas irrealistas

A nossa perspetiva sobre os encontros é muito influenciada pelos meios de comunicação social (filmes, canções, revistas, etc.). Por exemplo, quando vemos alguns gestos grandiosos nos filmes, esperamos o mesmo na realidade. 

Well, that’s how we enter the realm of ‘having unrealistic expectations’ of our potential partner. We think that they should behave the certain way, and if they don’t, they’re not the right person for us. 

The media and reality are two different concepts and it’s high time we learn to differentiate between the two. 

The media is trying to sell us the idea of what a perfect couple’s life should look like and the reality just reminds us of its unpredictability and the need for compromises, flexibility, and patience. 

When you have unrealistic expectations, you become more prone to experiencing a syndrome called “single forever”. 

9. Fazer as perguntas erradas

Qual é a sua cor favorita? Qual é o teu filme preferido? 

If these two questions are the only questions you ask your potential dates, then you’re making another dating mistake called ‘asking the wrong questions’.

Para conhecer melhor uma pessoa, é necessário fazer-lhe as perguntas certas que revelem a sua personalidade, as suas intenções, os seus planos futuros, etc. Knowing their favorite color doesn’t mean anything to you in the long run but knowing what they think about cheating may come in handy.

Focus on asking deep and thoughtful questions that don’t require one word replies but extensive replies that reflect their mindset and personality. Asking the right questions is a surefire way to build an emotional connection. 

10. Comparar toda a gente com o seu antigo parceiro

Do you have this (unhealthy) tendency to compare everyone to your former partner? If yes, then you’re making a huge dating mistake. 

Just because your current date doesn’t enjoy playing video games or texting sessions like your ex, this doesn’t mean that you should stop dating them. É preciso tempo para se apaixonar por alguém e compará-lo com o seu antigo parceiro é uma abordagem terrível quando se trata de namorar.

Actually, it means that you haven’t moved on and that’s why you look for your ex’s trademarks in others. If that is the case with you, then you should take a break from dating until you’re ready to meet people without the need to compare them to your ex.