It was just another Friday and I was getting ready for a date with a guy I’ve been texting for a few days. The date went well (actually, surprisingly well contrary to previous dates) and I was looking forward to seeing him again.
And then, right after a fifth date something changed. “SURPRISE, SURPRISE!”
He no longer called me or texted me from time to time just to see how I was doing and even when he did, everything seemed forced by his side. I knew that something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what exactly was happening.
After some time, his irregular calls were replaced by no calls at all. I was sitting next to my phone, and thinking about committing one of the biggest crimes when it comes to dating: texting him for a millionth time only to be ghosted again and again.
After a long, overthinking session, I had an epiphany:
I was guilty of committing one of the biggest dating mistakes known as trying too hard. (Okay, I was also guilty of acting desperate.)
Are you guilty of making some of the biggest dating mistakes? It’s time to find out!
I used to think that playing hard to get is a surefire method to grab the attention from someone you like. I thought playing unavailable games will let the other person know that I’m not so easily impressed by suitors and that I’m a high value woman.
Well, playing unavailable games is okay if it only happens for a short period of time and if you do it the right way (read: you don’t overdo it). However, playing hard to get for too long is an absolute disaster and one of the biggest dating mistakes one can make.
Because the other person will think that you were never interested in them in the first place and that you’re only playing mind games. There are better ways to let others know that you’re a high value woman/man instead of playing unavailable games. One such example is stating your boundaries and sticking to them.
2. Trying too hard
Are you always the one who calls and texts first?
Are you always the one who asks them out on a date?
Do you feel like you need to try too hard to win their attention and let them know how much you like them?
If you’re trying too hard to win their affection, there’s a reason behind this phenomenon. Perhaps you think that you aren’t worthy of love and you need to try hard to deserve it, which is often linked with childhood traumas and demands adequate therapy.
Or they aren’t really interested in you and you think that by trying too hard you will make them change their mind. If this is the case with you, here’s what I have to tell you: You can never and I mean NEVER make someone interested in you or fight for you by trying too hard.
Trying too hard to impress someone is linked with desperation and lack of self-love. So, instead of putting all your efforts into making someone like you, focus on falling in love with yourself and you’ll start attracting the right people.
3. Demanding too much
Do you demand to have dinner/drinks paid by them? Do you demand that they help you with anything you’re going through at the moment? Do you demand that they do what you say?
Similarly to trying too hard, demanding too much is another dating mistake. As a matter of fact, trying too hard and demanding too much are two toxic extremes and as such should be avoided.
Keep in mind that the person you’re dating is not responsible for your happiness, finances, and well-being. They can help you with things if they want to but you shouldn’t demand that they do things for you, especially if they aren’t comfortable with doing so.
Demanding too much is a recipe for an unhappy and unhealthy relationship where one person demands and the other tries hard to meet their needs in exchange for love and affection. Do you want to be in such a relationship? (And I thought so.)
4. Thinking you have to have instant chemistry
Many people think that they should experience intense and instant chemistry right on the first date. SURPRISE: That seldom happens.
So, when you don’t experience that instant and strong chemistry everyone is talking about in real and virtual life, you might not be interested in dating them any longer.
Here’s the thing with chemistry: Some people experience intense chemistry on a first meeting while others need more time to develop it. Chemistry is not something that always happens by default but it can also be a process.
Chemistry levels increase through eye contact, deep conversations, subtle touches, laughing and having a good time. So, thinking you have to have instant chemistry is nonsense and it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker in dating.
5. Having sex too soon
Having casual sex with someone you don’t consider being in a relationship with is a completely different thing. But having sex too soon with someone you see as a relationship material is, undoubtedly, one of the biggest dating mistakes.
Now, what exactly is ‘too soon’? There’s this unwritten rule that having sex on a third date is absolutely acceptable. This isn’t the case with everyone and, in my humble opinion, it shouldn’t be. It takes time to get to know someone, so you shouldn’t have sex for at least 5 weeks of getting-to-know-each-other.
Also, it all depends on how frequent your dates are. If you date once or twice a month, then the process of getting to know each other will be longer than usual. Here’s another valuable advice: Forget about these numbers and unwritten rules but focus on how you feel about the person you’re dating.
Have you built an emotional connection? Do you trust them and vice versa? Do you feel like you’re ready to have sex with them or are you anxious about doing it too soon?
These are the questions you should ask yourself before having sex with someone you like and see as a potential partner.
6. Ignoring red flags
When we like someone, we often ignore red flags and make excuses for their behavior. We do that because we’re unwilling to admit to ourselves that they might not be that interested in us or we think that we can change their opinion.
Ignoring red flags has never brought any good to anyone and it is the biggest dating mistake EVER. By ignoring negative things done by someone you date, you are actually harming yourself.
Some of the biggest dating red flags include the following:
• Second-guessing your feelings for them (which happens for a reason)
• Being pressured to get physical before you’re ready
• Manipulations and mind games
• Jealousy issues
• Flaking out on plans, etc.
Ignoring such and similar things will most likely result in a heartbreak and lots of sleepless nights. So, do yourself a favor and listen to your gut.
7. Becoming official too quickly
As I stated in the previous sign, it takes time to get to know someone, so becoming official too quickly is something you should avoid. Generally, couples become official after 2-3 months of dating.
However, when it comes to dating I never suggest anyone to focus on numbers only. Some people will be ready to become official after 3 months of dating while others won’t, and that’s okay.
Keep in mind that it’s always better to wait longer than ruin things by labeling your relationship too soon in case you aren’t certain about it. It’s always better not to make a dating mistake than to make one, right?
8. Having unrealistic expectations
Our perspective on dating is greatly influenced by the media (movies, songs, magazines, etc.). For example, when we see some grand gestures in movies, we expect the same thing in reality.
Well, that’s how we enter the realm of ‘having unrealistic expectations’ of our potential partner. We think that they should behave the certain way, and if they don’t, they’re not the right person for us.
The media and reality are two different concepts and it’s high time we learn to differentiate between the two.
The media is trying to sell us the idea of what a perfect couple’s life should look like and the reality just reminds us of its unpredictability and the need for compromises, flexibility, and patience.
When you have unrealistic expectations, you become more prone to experiencing a syndrome called “single forever”.
9. Asking the wrong questions
What is your favorite color? What is your favorite movie?
If these two questions are the only questions you ask your potential dates, then you’re making another dating mistake called ‘asking the wrong questions’.
In order to get to know someone better, you need to ask them the right questions that will reveal their personality, intentions, their future plans, and so on. Knowing their favorite color doesn’t mean anything to you in the long run but knowing what they think about cheating may come in handy.
Focus on asking deep and thoughtful questions that don’t require one word replies but extensive replies that reflect their mindset and personality. Asking the right questions is a surefire way to build an emotional connection.
10. Comparing everyone to your former partner
Do you have this (unhealthy) tendency to compare everyone to your former partner? If yes, then you’re making a huge dating mistake.
Just because your current date doesn’t enjoy playing video games or texting sessions like your ex, this doesn’t mean that you should stop dating them. It takes time to fall in love with someone and comparing them to your former partner is a terrible approach when it comes to dating.
Actually, it means that you haven’t moved on and that’s why you look for your ex’s trademarks in others. If that is the case with you, then you should take a break from dating until you’re ready to meet people without the need to compare them to your ex.