¿Eres culpable de cometer estos 10 errores?

It was just another Friday and I was getting ready for a date with a guy I’ve been texting for a few days. The date went well (actually, surprisingly well contrary to previous dates) and I was looking forward to seeing him again. 

And then, right after a fifth date something changed. “SURPRISE, SURPRISE!”

He no longer called me or texted me from time to time just to see how I was doing and even when he did, everything seemed forced by his side. I knew that something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what exactly was happening. 

Al cabo de un tiempo, sus llamadas irregulares fueron sustituidas por la ausencia total de llamadas. Estaba sentada junto a mi teléfono y pensaba en cometer uno de los mayores delitos en lo que a citas se refiere: enviándole mensajes por millonésima vez sólo para ser fantasma una y otra vez. 

Tras una larga sesión de cavilaciones, tuve una epifanía: 

Fui culpable de cometer uno de los mayores errores en las citas, conocido como esforzarse demasiado. (Vale, también fui culpable de actuar desesperadamente). 

Are you guilty of making some of the biggest dating mistakes? It’s time to find out! 

1. Jugar durante demasiado tiempo a juegos no disponibles

I used to think that playing hard to get is a surefire method to grab the attention from someone you like. I thought playing unavailable games will let the other person know that I’m not so easily impressed by suitors and that I’m a high value woman. 

Bueno, jugar a juegos no disponibles está bien si sólo ocurre durante un corto período de tiempo y si lo haces de la manera correcta (read: you don’t overdo it). However, playing hard to get for too long is an absolute disaster and one of the biggest dating mistakes one can make. 

¿Se pregunta por qué?

Because the other person will think that you were never interested in them in the first place and that you’re only playing mind games. There are better ways to let others know that you’re a high value woman/man instead of playing unavailable games. Un ejemplo de ello es establecer tus límites y ceñirte a ellos. 

2. Esforzarse demasiado

¿Siempre es usted el primero en llamar y enviar mensajes de texto? 

¿Eres siempre tú quien les pide una cita? 

¿Sientes que tienes que esforzarte demasiado para ganarte su atención y hacerle saber lo mucho que te gusta?

If you’re trying too hard to win their affection, there’s a reason behind this phenomenon. Perhaps you think that you aren’t worthy of love and you need to try hard to deserve it, which is often linked with childhood traumas and demands adequate therapy.  

Or they aren’t really interested in you and you think that by trying too hard you will make them change their mind. If this is the case with you, here’s what I have to tell you: Nunca y quiero decir NUNCA podrás hacer que alguien se interese por ti o luche por ti esforzándote demasiado. 

Trying too hard to impress someone is linked with desperation and lack of self-love. So, instead of putting all your efforts into making someone like you, focus on falling in love with yourself and you’ll start attracting the right people.

3. Exigir demasiado

Do you demand to have dinner/drinks paid by them? Do you demand that they help you with anything you’re going through at the moment? Do you demand that they do what you say?

Al igual que esforzarse demasiado, exigir demasiado es otro error en las citas. De hecho, esforzarse demasiado y exigir demasiado son dos extremos tóxicos y, como tales, deben evitarse. 

Keep in mind that the person you’re dating is not responsible for your happiness, finances, and well-being. They can help you with things if they want to but you shouldn’t demand that they do things for you, especially if they aren’t comfortable with doing so.

Exigir demasiado es la receta para una relación infeliz y malsana en la que una persona exige y la otra se esfuerza por satisfacer sus necesidades a cambio de amor y afecto. ¿Quieres estar en una relación así? (Y yo que lo pensaba).

4. Pensar que hay que tener química instantánea

Muchas personas piensan que deberían experimentar una química intensa e instantánea desde la primera cita. SORPRESA: Eso rara vez ocurre. 

So, when you don’t experience that instant and strong chemistry everyone is talking about in real and virtual life, you might not be interested in dating them any longer.

Here’s the thing with chemistry: Algunas personas experimentan una química intensa en un primer encuentro, mientras que otras necesitan más tiempo para desarrollarla. La química no es algo que ocurra siempre por defecto, sino que también puede ser un proceso. 

Chemistry levels increase through eye contact, deep conversations, subtle touches, laughing and having a good time. So, thinking you have to have instant chemistry is nonsense and it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker in dating. 

5. Tener relaciones sexuales demasiado pronto

Having casual sex with someone you don’t consider being in a relationship with is a completely different thing. But having sex too soon with someone you see as a relationship material is, undoubtedly, one of the biggest dating mistakes.

Now, what exactly is ‘too soon’? There’s this unwritten rule that having sex on a third date is absolutely acceptable. This isn’t the case with everyone and, in my humble opinion, it shouldn’t be. It takes time to get to know someone, so you shouldn’t have sex for at least 5 weeks of getting-to-know-each-other. 

Also, it all depends on how frequent your dates are. If you date once or twice a month, then the process of getting to know each other will be longer than usual. Here’s another valuable advice:  Forget about these numbers and unwritten rules but focus on how you feel about the person you’re dating. 

Have you built an emotional connection? Do you trust them and vice versa? Do you feel like you’re ready to have sex with them or are you anxious about doing it too soon? 

Estas son las preguntas que debes hacerte antes de mantener relaciones sexuales con alguien que te gusta y ves como una pareja potencial. 

6. Ignorar las señales de alarma

When we like someone, we often ignore red flags and make excuses for their behavior. We do that because we’re unwilling to admit to ourselves that they might not be that interested in us or we think that we can change their opinion. 

Ignorar las banderas rojas nunca ha traído nada bueno a nadie y es el mayor error en las citas. Al ignorar las cosas negativas que hace alguien con quien sales, en realidad te estás perjudicando a ti mismo. 

Algunas de las mayores señales de alarma en las citas son las siguientes:

• Second-guessing your feelings for them (which happens for a reason)

• Being pressured to get physical before you’re ready

• Ghosting

• Manipulations and mind games

• Jealousy issues

• Flaking out on plans, etc. 

Lo más probable es que ignorar este tipo de cosas acabe en un desengaño amoroso y muchas noches sin dormir. Así que hazte un favor y escucha a tu instinto. 

7. Oficializarse demasiado rápido

Como he dicho en el signo anterior, se necesita tiempo para conocer a alguien, por lo que oficializar demasiado rápido es algo que debes evitar. Por lo general, las parejas se oficializan tras 2-3 meses de noviazgo.

Sin embargo, cuando se trata de citas, nunca sugiero a nadie que se centre únicamente en los números. Some people will be ready to become official after 3 months of dating while others won’t, and that’s okay. 

Keep in mind that it’s always better to wait longer than ruin things by labeling your relationship too soon in case you aren’t certain about it. It’s always better not to make a dating mistake than to make one, right?

8. Tener expectativas poco realistas

Nuestra perspectiva de las citas está muy influida por los medios de comunicación (películas, canciones, revistas, etc.). Por ejemplo, cuando vemos algunos gestos grandilocuentes en las películas, esperamos lo mismo en la realidad. 

Well, that’s how we enter the realm of ‘having unrealistic expectations’ of our potential partner. We think that they should behave the certain way, and if they don’t, they’re not the right person for us. 

The media and reality are two different concepts and it’s high time we learn to differentiate between the two. 

The media is trying to sell us the idea of what a perfect couple’s life should look like and the reality just reminds us of its unpredictability and the need for compromises, flexibility, and patience. 

When you have unrealistic expectations, you become more prone to experiencing a syndrome called “single forever”. 

9. Hacer las preguntas equivocadas

¿Cuál es su color favorito? ¿Cuál es su película favorita? 

If these two questions are the only questions you ask your potential dates, then you’re making another dating mistake called ‘asking the wrong questions’.

Para conocer mejor a alguien, hay que hacerle las preguntas adecuadas que revelarán su personalidad, sus intenciones, sus planes de futuro, etc. Knowing their favorite color doesn’t mean anything to you in the long run but knowing what they think about cheating may come in handy.

Focus on asking deep and thoughtful questions that don’t require one word replies but extensive replies that reflect their mindset and personality. Asking the right questions is a surefire way to build an emotional connection. 

10. Comparar a todo el mundo con su antigua pareja

Do you have this (unhealthy) tendency to compare everyone to your former partner? If yes, then you’re making a huge dating mistake. 

Just because your current date doesn’t enjoy playing video games or texting sessions like your ex, this doesn’t mean that you should stop dating them. Lleva tiempo enamorarse de alguien y compararlo con tu ex pareja es un enfoque terrible cuando se trata de citas.

Actually, it means that you haven’t moved on and that’s why you look for your ex’s trademarks in others. If that is the case with you, then you should take a break from dating until you’re ready to meet people without the need to compare them to your ex.