Siete colpevoli di aver commesso questi 10 errori più gravi negli appuntamenti?

It was just another Friday and I was getting ready for a date with a guy I’ve been texting for a few days. The date went well (actually, surprisingly well contrary to previous dates) and I was looking forward to seeing him again. 

And then, right after a fifth date something changed. “SURPRISE, SURPRISE!”

He no longer called me or texted me from time to time just to see how I was doing and even when he did, everything seemed forced by his side. I knew that something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what exactly was happening. 

Dopo qualche tempo, le sue chiamate irregolari sono state sostituite da nessuna chiamata. Ero seduta accanto al mio telefono e stavo pensando di commettere uno dei più grandi crimini quando si tratta di appuntamenti: mandargli un messaggio per la milionesima volta, per poi essere sempre ignorato. 

Dopo una lunga sessione di riflessione, ho avuto un'illuminazione: 

Ero colpevole di aver commesso uno dei più grandi errori di fidanzamento, noto come "provarci troppo". (Ok, ero anche colpevole di aver agito in modo disperato). 

Are you guilty of making some of the biggest dating mistakes? It’s time to find out! 

1. Giocare troppo a lungo a giochi non disponibili

I used to think that playing hard to get is a surefire method to grab the attention from someone you like. I thought playing unavailable games will let the other person know that I’m not so easily impressed by suitors and that I’m a high value woman. 

Beh, giocare a giochi non disponibili va bene se accade solo per un breve periodo di tempo e se lo si fa nel modo giusto. (read: you don’t overdo it). However, playing hard to get for too long is an absolute disaster and one of the biggest dating mistakes one can make. 

Vi chiedete perché?

Because the other person will think that you were never interested in them in the first place and that you’re only playing mind games. There are better ways to let others know that you’re a high value woman/man instead of playing unavailable games. Un esempio è quello di stabilire i propri limiti e di rispettarli. 

2. Cercare troppo

Siete sempre voi a chiamare e mandare messaggi per primi? 

Sei sempre tu a chiedere loro di uscire? 

Avete la sensazione di dovervi sforzare troppo per attirare la loro attenzione e far capire loro quanto vi piacciono?

If you’re trying too hard to win their affection, there’s a reason behind this phenomenon. Perhaps you think that you aren’t worthy of love and you need to try hard to deserve it, which is often linked with childhood traumas and demands adequate therapy.  

Or they aren’t really interested in you and you think that by trying too hard you will make them change their mind. If this is the case with you, here’s what I have to tell you: Non si può mai, e dico MAI, fare in modo che qualcuno si interessi a voi o si batta per voi sforzandosi troppo. 

Trying too hard to impress someone is linked with desperation and lack of self-love. So, instead of putting all your efforts into making someone like you, focus on falling in love with yourself and you’ll start attracting the right people.

3. Esigere troppo

Do you demand to have dinner/drinks paid by them? Do you demand that they help you with anything you’re going through at the moment? Do you demand that they do what you say?

Analogamente all'impegno eccessivo, pretendere troppo è un altro errore di frequentazione. È un dato di fatto, Cercare troppo e pretendere troppo sono due estremi tossici e come tali vanno evitati. 

Keep in mind that the person you’re dating is not responsible for your happiness, finances, and well-being. They can help you with things if they want to but you shouldn’t demand that they do things for you, especially if they aren’t comfortable with doing so.

Pretendere troppo è la ricetta per una relazione infelice e malsana, in cui una persona esige e l'altra si sforza di soddisfare i suoi bisogni in cambio di amore e affetto. Volete vivere una relazione di questo tipo? (E io che pensavo di sì).

4. Pensare di dover avere una chimica immediata

Molte persone pensano di dover sperimentare una chimica intensa e istantanea già al primo appuntamento. SORPRESA: Questo accade raramente. 

So, when you don’t experience that instant and strong chemistry everyone is talking about in real and virtual life, you might not be interested in dating them any longer.

Here’s the thing with chemistry: Alcune persone sperimentano un'intensa chimica al primo incontro, mentre altre hanno bisogno di più tempo per svilupparla. La chimica non è qualcosa che avviene sempre di default, ma può anche essere un processo. 

Chemistry levels increase through eye contact, deep conversations, subtle touches, laughing and having a good time. So, thinking you have to have instant chemistry is nonsense and it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker in dating. 

5. Fare sesso troppo presto

Having casual sex with someone you don’t consider being in a relationship with is a completely different thing. But having sex too soon with someone you see as a relationship material is, undoubtedly, one of the biggest dating mistakes.

Now, what exactly is ‘too soon’? There’s this unwritten rule that having sex on a third date is absolutely acceptable. This isn’t the case with everyone and, in my humble opinion, it shouldn’t be. It takes time to get to know someone, so you shouldn’t have sex for at least 5 weeks of getting-to-know-each-other. 

Also, it all depends on how frequent your dates are. If you date once or twice a month, then the process of getting to know each other will be longer than usual. Here’s another valuable advice:  Forget about these numbers and unwritten rules but focus on how you feel about the person you’re dating. 

Have you built an emotional connection? Do you trust them and vice versa? Do you feel like you’re ready to have sex with them or are you anxious about doing it too soon? 

Queste sono le domande che dovreste porvi prima di fare sesso con qualcuno che vi piace e che vedete come un potenziale partner. 

6. Ignorare le bandiere rosse

When we like someone, we often ignore red flags and make excuses for their behavior. We do that because we’re unwilling to admit to ourselves that they might not be that interested in us or we think that we can change their opinion. 

Ignorare le bandiere rosse non ha mai portato nulla di buono a nessuno ed è il più grande errore di appuntamenti in assoluto. Ignorando le cose negative fatte da una persona che frequentate, in realtà fate del male a voi stessi. 

Alcune delle principali bandiere rosse per gli appuntamenti sono le seguenti:

• Second-guessing your feelings for them (which happens for a reason)

• Being pressured to get physical before you’re ready

• Ghosting

• Manipulations and mind games

• Jealousy issues

• Flaking out on plans, etc. 

Ignorare queste cose e altre simili si tradurrà molto probabilmente in un colpo di fulmine e in molte notti insonni. Quindi, fatevi un favore e ascoltate il vostro istinto. 

7. Diventare ufficiale troppo in fretta

Come ho detto nel segno precedente, ci vuole tempo per conoscere qualcuno, quindi l'ufficializzazione troppo in fretta è da evitare. In genere, le coppie diventano ufficiali dopo 2-3 mesi di frequentazione.

Tuttavia, quando si tratta di appuntamenti non consiglio mai a nessuno di concentrarsi solo sui numeri. Some people will be ready to become official after 3 months of dating while others won’t, and that’s okay. 

Keep in mind that it’s always better to wait longer than ruin things by labeling your relationship too soon in case you aren’t certain about it. It’s always better not to make a dating mistake than to make one, right?

8. Avere aspettative non realistiche

La nostra prospettiva sugli appuntamenti è fortemente influenzata dai media (film, canzoni, riviste, ecc.). Ad esempio, quando vediamo alcuni gesti eclatanti nei film, ci aspettiamo la stessa cosa nella realtà. 

Well, that’s how we enter the realm of ‘having unrealistic expectations’ of our potential partner. We think that they should behave the certain way, and if they don’t, they’re not the right person for us. 

The media and reality are two different concepts and it’s high time we learn to differentiate between the two. 

The media is trying to sell us the idea of what a perfect couple’s life should look like and the reality just reminds us of its unpredictability and the need for compromises, flexibility, and patience. 

When you have unrealistic expectations, you become more prone to experiencing a syndrome called “single forever”. 

9. Fare le domande sbagliate

Qual è il suo colore preferito? Qual è il suo film preferito? 

If these two questions are the only questions you ask your potential dates, then you’re making another dating mistake called ‘asking the wrong questions’.

Per conoscere meglio una persona, è necessario porle le domande giuste che ne rivelino la personalità, le intenzioni, i progetti futuri e così via. Knowing their favorite color doesn’t mean anything to you in the long run but knowing what they think about cheating may come in handy.

Focus on asking deep and thoughtful questions that don’t require one word replies but extensive replies that reflect their mindset and personality. Asking the right questions is a surefire way to build an emotional connection. 

10. Paragonare tutti al proprio ex partner

Do you have this (unhealthy) tendency to compare everyone to your former partner? If yes, then you’re making a huge dating mistake. 

Just because your current date doesn’t enjoy playing video games or texting sessions like your ex, this doesn’t mean that you should stop dating them. Ci vuole tempo per innamorarsi di una persona e paragonarla al proprio partner precedente è un approccio terribile quando si tratta di appuntamenti.

Actually, it means that you haven’t moved on and that’s why you look for your ex’s trademarks in others. If that is the case with you, then you should take a break from dating until you’re ready to meet people without the need to compare them to your ex.