Mais do que amigos com benefícios, mas não uma relação
Everyone involved in a friends with benefits relationship knows about the risks that come with it – unless you’re careful, someone will catch feelings. But what’s so scary about catching feelings?
The answer, as with any other type of relationship, is the same: what if those feelings aren’t reciprocated?
Uma situação de amigos com benefícios tem mais a ver com os benefícios do que com a amizade. Como é que uma relação deste tipo evolui para outra em que os sentimentos estão claramente envolvidos? It all depends on whether (and how) either person’s expectations of the relationship change.
So what’s the deal when it’s more than friends with benefits but not a relationship? If you’re actual friends who presumably like each other and also have sex, what’s stopping you from developing romantic feelings for each other?
Let’s see what these complicated entanglements are and how to get through them with your heart unbroken.
Mais do que amigos com benefícios, mas não uma relação?
Será que existe algo mais do que amigos com benefícios, mas não uma relação? Claro que existe. Há quem lhe chame uma relação de situaçãoe esse título pode ser uma descrição apropriada para uma situação em que toda a gente está confusa.
Entre os muitos tipos de relações em que nos podemos encontrar, este pode ser um dos mais complicados. Se as expectativas não forem claras desde o início, pode haver muita confusão entre todos os envolvidos.
Um aspeto a ter em conta é que qualquer nível de envolvimento para além da natureza casual de uma relação FWB tem provavelmente algo a ver com sentimentos. E quando há sentimentos, há sentimentos feridos.
Here’s a quick overview of the most common kinds of relationships that could cast a light on the one smack in the middle that isn’t quite casual but also isn’t defined. Em que é que está atualmente enredado?
1. Ligação
Hooking up is the definition of no strings attached. It’s not wrong to also call these relationships one-night stands. Usually, expectations are clear that you’re não está interessado em mais nada para além do engate.
Don’t assume anything, though, and make sure to always spell it out for the other person if this is what you’re after. Likewise, if you’ve met someone in a bar or on a dating app and you’re about to hook-up, don’t guess their intentions, but make sure you’re on the same page.
Os encontros têm a ver com sexo casual e nada mais. They’re usually one-time flings, but it’s not uncommon for people to hook up with each other more than once if an opportunity presents itself. As long as everyone is in agreement about what they want, it’s a great way of relieving sexual tension without complications.
2. Amigos com benefícios
A amigos com benefícios A relação tem tanto a ver com sexo casual como com encontros. A diferença é que um FWB é um acordo e um engate é uma coisa do momento.
Let’s be honest: the phrase ‘friends with benefits’ is a euphemism for a relationship that’s all about sex. Friendship isn’t a factor in it, nor should it be. Ser demasiado amigável com o seu FWB é uma receita para se apanharem sentimentos.
To keep things casual, focus on the ‘benefits’ part, or more accurately, the booty calls. The ‘friends’ part of FWB should only imply that you’re somewhat familiar with this person and that there’s a level of respect between you. It shouldn’t mean that you regularly hang out, talk to each other, or are actually good friends.
People love their friends, so if you’re mixing love – no matter how friendly and at the moment platonic – and sex, some sort of romantic feelings are bound to develop. What’s stopping you from apaixonar-se if you’re sexually compatible and care about each other? Infelizmente, isso raramente acontece em ambos os lados, e passar de FWB para namoro é muito raro.
For this reason, if you’re in an FWB relationship with your actual best friend, you can bet that there are feelings on at least one side. If you don’t want this to happen, don’t hook up with your actual good friends and keep your socialization outside of your FWB dates to a minimum.
3. ???
Now we come to the ‘more than friends with benefits but not a relationship’ thing, which we could, for now, call a situationship.
Este lugar nebuloso onde you’re regularly hooking up and also doing some algumas coisas juntos. You Netflix and chill, but neither of you knows what’s going on because no one wants to utter the words that could potentially ruin all the fun: “What are we?”
The fact is that some people love the casual sex aspect of an FWB relationship, while others simply aren’t made for it. The intimacy of sex easily makes these people crave emotional intimacy, but because they don’t want to disturb the balance, too many things are left unsaid.
So, the advice you hear for casual relationships about how you should be fine if you keep your expectations realistic doesn’t always help. However, the real elephant in the room when talking about undefined relationships isn’t expectations – it’s false hope.
Como sair do impasse?
Muitas pessoas entram num acordo sem compromisso quando já sentem algo pela outra pessoa e esperam que as coisas mudem para ela. There’s always the possibility that they will, sure. But the likelihood is far lower than you’d like it to be.
Perhaps a relationship doesn’t start as a friends with benefits thing, but acontece sem qualquer tipo de expectativas. There’s never a conversation about what’s going on, and it just happens that one or both people develop some level of feelings but never talk about it.
Este tipo de relações pode ficar indefinido durante anos, permanecendo no mesmo sítio e tornando-se obsoleto. A única saída é acabar com tudo ou, adivinhou, comunicar. Yes, you’re going to have to have The Talk.
Uma conversa honesta permitir-lhe-á saber qual é a sua posição, o que ambos tencionam fazer e se devem mesmo continuar a relação. Pode levar a que se abandone a relação ou a que se avance com a relação.
Porque é que deve ter a conversa
As long as you continue to accept being in the ambiguous and vague ‘relationship,’ you’ll never be free to feel your feelings. When you’re hiding that you feel something for someone you’re in some sort of relationship with because you’re afraid to broach the subject, it’s worse than pining from afar.
Esta situação faz com que se sinta envergonhado por ter sentimentos e invalida-os. Contentamo-nos com o que é quase uma relação imaginária e aceitamos o que podemos obter. It’s not just a sexual relationship, nor is it a real relationship. You’re spending time doing things besides sex, but you’re not allowed to say how you feel.
You’re undrestandably hesitant to talk about it. You might finally move into a real romantic relationship, but there’s always a chance that your conversation will give you the opposite of what you want – confirmação de que a outra pessoa não sente nada por si e uma relacionamento falhado.
It’s still better to know. Quer mesmo continuar uma relação que nunca vai atingir o nível seguinte? To be with someone you can’t even call your boyfriend or girlfriend? To settle for crumbs of affection and accept it as all you can get?
Mereces melhor.
4. Namoro
If you’ve had the conversation and it resulted in discovering that both of you have feelings and want a more serious relationship than hooking up, followed by worrying if it’s okay to cuddle, the a relação de situação transformou-se numa relaçãoe agora vem o namoro.
Quando se começa a namorar depois de se ter estado numa relação de situação, é provável que as coisas avancem mais rapidamente em direção a uma relação sériamas algumas coisas terão de mudar. It might take some getting used to before you realize that you’re no longer just friends and that it’s okay to be vulnerable with one another.
Your sex life and your love life are now connected, and you’re finally allowed to feel and express your feelings. It might feel weird to be able to post about your relationship on social media after having to pretend that nothing was happening when you were undefined.
5. Relação de compromisso
After dating for some time, your partner is falling for you and vice versa, and you’ve developed an emotional connection, you might decide to take things even further and commit to each other.
No entanto, não é altura para relaxar. É nesta altura que começa o verdadeiro trabalho, mas os sentimentos fortes e a vontade de cultivar a vossa relação podem resultar numa relação feliz e relação saudável a longo prazo.
Se as coisas acabaram por não resultar e acabaram por desistir, pode pelo menos ficar chateado com o fracasso da sua relação. While things are undefined, you can’t even look back at anything because how did you break up if you were never really together?
How Do You Know When It’s More Than Just Friends With Benefits?
How do you know that your relationship isn’t an FWB arrangement anymore? No fundo, tu sabes. A verdadeira questão é como saber se ambos sentem algo e querem mais do que têm.
Existem signs you’re unofficially dating but are afraid of asking the question because you’re afraid of losing this person completely. Or you’re afraid of how things might change if you get the answer you’re hoping for.
Um aspeto importante a considerar é quem está a iniciar todas estas mudanças. If it’s both of you, things are probably developing into a romantic relationship. If it’s one-sided, it’s time to move on.
Maybe, if all the signs are listed in one place, you’ll be able to decide what to do.
1. Está a enviar mensagens de texto e a telefonar apenas para entrar em contacto?
Let’s face it, when you’re in a purely sexual relationship, you’re not interested in hearing about their day. It doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be basic courtesy involved, but you’re not going to send someone you’re casually hooking up with a good morning text.
You’re already getting what you want from them, and there’s no need to expand on it. So when you send each other texts just because and falar todos os dias just to hear each other’s voices, it’s a sign that things might be different.
2. Estão a passar tempo juntos sem ter relações sexuais?
The most obvious sign that things have changed is easy to notice: it’s not just about sex anymore. Friends with benefits meet up, get on with it, and go on their merry ways. Se o seu FWB o aborda apenas para marcar um encontro, então as coisas estão na mesma como sempre estiveram.
If you’re both looking for ways to see each other more often or to hang out, you’re probably trying to get to know each other better and deepen your relationship.
3. Have you met each other’s friends?
Even in relationships that start off with the intent of being romantic, it’s a big deal to introduce someone to your friends. It shows an intent to include them in your life and tells people that there’s something between you, especially if you don’t share mutual friends.
If either or both of you are staying in your lane and never mixing with each other’s friends, it’s clear that you see your relationship as having only one purpose.
4. Tens encontros a sério?
If you only spend time together somewhere where you can easily hook up and everything that precedes it is just a prelude to it, it’s still a casual sex relationship.
O namoro leva a que nos conheçamos melhor através de experiências partilhadas e a que nos concentremos um no outro. If you’re not only extending your time together but actually thinking about ways to have a pleasant date together, you’re mais do que um engate.
5. Partilham dados pessoais?
It’s not important for your FWB to know anything personal about you. Os seus gostos e aversões só importam quando se trata da sua vida sexual. Where you went to school and your sister’s dog’s name have no relevance to the time you spend together.
If they ask questions and want to know the little things about you, it’s natural that you’re wondering whether they have feelings for you. If they’re eager to talk about themselves, too, it means that they not only want to get to know you better but want you to know them too.
6. Interessa-se por outras pessoas?
When you’re not interested in anyone else, it might mean one of two things: you’re either in a place in your life where you’re fine with an FWB relationship, or you have feelings for your FWB partner.
Do you decline when someone asks you out because you’re just not feeling it? You’ll know things aren’t as casual anymore when a no-strings thing isn’t enough and you want to be in a committed relationship, but you’re not thinking about dating other people.
No entanto, se a relação for unilateral, a mágoa é inevitável, por isso, saia o mais depressa possível, and soon enough, you’ll start to get interested in other people.
7. Do you spend the night at each other’s places?
Têm uma relação estritamente sexual, por isso o que é que fazem quando acordam um ao lado do outro de manhã?
If you’ve been spending your nights together, things are getting complicated. If you’re making it a habit of staying after hooking up, feelings are on the horizon for one or both of you.
If your FWB is asking you to stay, they don’t want things to end and want to spend time with you. If it’s always you who initiates this, pulling back might be a good idea.
8. Sente uma ligação emocional?
If you feel like you can share everything with each other, if you attentively listen when they speak, if you don’t judge each other? If you’re genuinely interested in each other’s lives, if you can have deep conversations? If the ‘friend’ part of ‘friends with benefits‘ is important? You’re feeling an ligação emocional.
If you can’t be bothered to answer their questions and they feel cold or closed-off, unwilling to share, and disinterested, then you’re probably already getting everything you want from each other.
9. Mostram apreço uns pelos outros?
Your FWB getting you a small gift shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. It means that they thought about you, decided they wanted to get you a gift, put thought into what you might like, and searched until they found it.
Podem ter-lhe comprado o presente só porque o viram e lhes fez lembrar de si, mas a questão mantém-se: estavam nos seus pensamentos e queriam fazer-te feliz. This and other small shows of appreciation – flirting, compliments, paying attention, expressing gratitude – show that you matter to this person.
10. Do you miss each other when you’re apart?
And no, not just the sex. If you miss being together when you’re away, it’s a good sign that your attachment has gone beyond FWB. If it’s mutual – if they’re letting you know they’ve missed you – things might be changing.
It shows that you’re not only enjoying the physical part of your relationship but that you also appreciate each other’s company.
If you’re missing them, and they only think of you when they’re in the mood (or vice versa,) things will soon get messy, and one of you will get hurt.
11. É afetuoso?
A afeição durante o sexo é de esperar, mas se continuar fora do quarto, mostra definitivamente que as coisas não são o que parecem. Os beijos, as carícias e os toques suaves que não têm objectivos ulteriores são uma expressão de sentimentos e não de desejo. Se isto estiver a acontecer, é provável que a sua relação esteja a seguir uma direção diferente.
Se um dos dois tenta iniciar o afeto não sexual e o outro o rejeita, os vossos desejos em relação à relação são claramente desencontrados. Acabar com as coisas antes que se torne demasiado difícil.
12. Tu simplesmente sabes.
When all is said and done, you know. You’ve seen all the signs – now just allow yourself to listen to your intuition. Se queres algo mais com esta pessoa, o que é que o teu coração te diz para fazeres? Do you think that if you show your feelings that you’ll get hurt or that you’ll get your love story?
If you’re hesitant, there might be a reason. Don’t let either fear of rejection or wishful thinking sway you – ouvir o seu instinto.
Definir a relação
What’s more than friends with benefits but not a relationship? A place where nothing ever happens and where you’re not allowed to feel. It’s not knowing and wondering. It’s a constant limbo where you’re afraid that if you show your feelings, things might end.
Don’t accept your fate and be someone who only takes what you are given. Ask for what you want, and you might get it. You might lose the little comfort you have, but at least you’ll be free. Until you’re rid of the assumptions and uncertainty, you won’t be able to move on and form a real relationship with anyone.
A situationship can continue for years until it fails and leaves you heartbroken. Establish boundaries before it’s too late.
