Não importa o que faças agora, nunca poderás apagar tudo o que me fizeste no passado

Causaste-me muita dor e sofri muito por tua causa. Partiste-me o coração e tu partiste-me. Destruíste tudo o que podias destruir em mim e mudaste-me para sempre como pessoa. Sempre me trataste como um pedaço de merda, como se eu nunca fosse importante para ti.

When I come to think of it now, I don’t know if there is anything left that you didn’t do to me. Because you lied to me, you cheated on me, you neglected me, you manipulated me and you controlled me. Above all, you abused me in more than one way. And that is something I am aware of now.

Sabes, durante muito tempo, continuei a mentir a mim própria. Recusei-me a admitir que eras uma pessoa má e que nunca me amaste de verdade. Recusei-me a aceitar todas as coisas que me fazias, por isso continuei a justificar-te e a culpar-me por tudo. Continuei a arranjar desculpas para as tuas mentiras, dizendo a mim própria que devia ter interpretado mal as coisas. Sempre que te apanhava a trair-me, dizia a mim mesma que estava a imaginar tudo. E, nessas situações, aceitava de bom grado as tuas desculpas falsas que, obviamente, não faziam sentido. Embora soubesse que estavas a abusar de mim, dizia a mim mesma que era demasiado sensível ou que a culpa era minha por te ter provocado. Na verdade, eram essas as coisas que me estavas sempre a dizer e eu queria tanto acreditar nelas. Acho que, nessa altura, acreditava em todas as mentiras possíveis que me colocavas à frente. A única coisa em que eu nunca quis acreditar foi na verdade. Nunca quis aceitar que eras um abusador tóxico e que precisava de me afastar de ti se quisesse salvar a minha sanidade.

I don’t know what happened but with time, I knew I had to accept it. I guess it was when my bruises were too evident and too big for me to hide. I guess I became ashamed of the people around me seeing them and that was what made me wake up from this nightmare you were putting me through. And that was when I left you for good.

When I first left, you didn’t take me seriously. You were certain I’d come crawling back to you. But that was something I had no intention of doing.

With time, you saw I wasn’t changing my mind. And you couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t believe I had the nerve to walk away from you. And that was when your efforts to win me back started. That was when you allegedly figured it all out and when you realized how badly you had treated me. That was when you started begging me to come back to you, promising me that this time was different and trying to assure me that you were a changed man. That was when you started acting like you would do anything just for me to go back to you.

Mas deixem-me dizer-vos uma coisa—I am not buying any of it. I don’t believe you and I never will. I know you don’t want me back because you love me; you want me back because you can’t believe you lost the person who you could always treat the way you wanted to. You want me back to help you boost your sick ego. And that is something I am not ready to do anymore.

You keep finding ways to get to me and you keep telling me you feel sorry for everything you did to me. But I know that is not true. I know you are not even aware of all the suffering I’ve been through because of you. I know that deep down, you still think all of it was my fault. Só me estás a dizer tudo o que eu quero ouvir porque achas que isso te vai ajudar a reconquistar-me.

Well, it won’t. Nunca mais vou voltar para ti e não há nada que possas fazer para mudar isso. I am not telling you this because I’m heartless or because I want revenge for everything you did to me. I am telling you this because I really mean it.

Tens de aceitar o facto de que não há nada que possas fazer agora para me fazer esquecer tudo o que me fizeste no passado. You don’t have a magical eraser that can remove all the wounds and scars on my soul and body that you caused.

Even if you have changed (and I know you haven’t), you need to understand that just seeing your face reminds me of all the pain I’ve been through. It reminds me of every tear I cried for you and of every humiliation you put me through. It reminds me of every time you hit me, of every time you crushed my heart, of every lie you told me straight to my face and of every woman you traiu-me com. E não há nada que possas fazer para me fazer esquecer isso.

The only thing you can do is leave me alone. If you really regret all the things you did to me, please let me go and don’t come back into my life ever again.