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No Matter What You Do Now, You Can Never Erase Everything You Did To Me In The Past

No Matter What You Do Now, You Can Never Erase Everything You Did To Me In The Past

You caused me a lot of pain and I suffered a lot because of you. You broke my heart and you broke me. You destroyed everything that you could destroy about me and you changed me as a person for good. You always treated me like a piece of shit, like I never mattered to you.

When I come to think of it now, I don’t know if there is anything left that you didn’t do to me. Because you lied to me, you cheated on me, you neglected me, you manipulated me and you controlled me. Above all, you abused me in more than one way. And that is something I am aware of now.

You know, for a long time, I kept lying to myself. I simply refused to admit that you were actually a bad person and that you never loved me for real. I refused to accept all the things you were doing to me, so I kept justifying you and I blamed myself for everything. I kept making excuses for your lies, telling myself that I must have misinterpreted things. Whenever I caught you cheating on me, I would tell myself that I was imagining everything. And in those situations, I was more than happy to accept your fake excuses that obviously made no sense. Although I knew that you were abusing me, I was telling myself I was too sensitive or that it was my fault for provoking you. Actually, those were the things you kept telling me and I wanted to believe them so badly. I guess back then, I would believe every possible lie you put in front of me. The only thing I never wanted to believe in was the truth. I never wanted to accept that you were a toxic abuser and that I needed to stay away from you if I wanted to save my sanity.

I don’t know what happened but with time, I knew I had to accept it. I guess it was when my bruises were too evident and too big for me to hide. I guess I became ashamed of the people around me seeing them and that was what made me wake up from this nightmare you were putting me through. And that was when I left you for good.

When I first left, you didn’t take me seriously. You were certain I’d come crawling back to you. But that was something I had no intention of doing.

With time, you saw I wasn’t changing my mind. And you couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t believe I had the nerve to walk away from you. And that was when your efforts to win me back started. That was when you allegedly figured it all out and when you realized how badly you had treated me. That was when you started begging me to come back to you, promising me that this time was different and trying to assure me that you were a changed man. That was when you started acting like you would do anything just for me to go back to you.

But let me tell you one thingI am not buying any of it. I don’t believe you and I never will. I know you don’t want me back because you love me; you want me back because you can’t believe you lost the person who you could always treat the way you wanted to. You want me back to help you boost your sick ego. And that is something I am not ready to do anymore.

You keep finding ways to get to me and you keep telling me you feel sorry for everything you did to me. But I know that is not true. I know you are not even aware of all the suffering I’ve been through because of you. I know that deep down, you still think all of it was my fault. You are just telling me everything I want to hear because you think it will help you win me back.

Well, it won’t. I am never coming back to you and there is nothing you could do to change that. I am not telling you this because I’m heartless or because I want revenge for everything you did to me. I am telling you this because I really mean it.

You need to accept the fact that there is nothing you could do now to make me forget all about the things you did to me in the past. You don’t have a magical eraser that can remove all the wounds and scars on my soul and body that you caused.

Even if you have changed (and I know you haven’t), you need to understand that just seeing your face reminds me of all the pain I’ve been through. It reminds me of every tear I cried for you and of every humiliation you put me through. It reminds me of every time you hit me, of every time you crushed my heart, of every lie you told me straight to my face and of every woman you cheated on me with. And there is nothing you could do to make me forget that.

The only thing you can do is leave me alone. If you really regret all the things you did to me, please let me go and don’t come back into my life ever again.