Non importa quello che fai ora, non potrai mai cancellare tutto quello che mi hai fatto in passato

Mi hai causato molto dolore e ho sofferto molto a causa tua. Mi hai spezzato il cuore e mi hai spezzato. Hai distrutto tutto ciò che potevi distruggere di me e mi hai cambiato per sempre come persona. Mi hai sempre trattato come un pezzo di merda, come se non fossi mai stato importante per te.

When I come to think of it now, I don’t know if there is anything left that you didn’t do to me. Because you lied to me, you cheated on me, you neglected me, you manipulated me and you controlled me. Above all, you abused me in more than one way. And that is something I am aware of now.

Sai, per molto tempo ho continuato a mentire a me stessa. Mi sono semplicemente rifiutata di ammettere che eri una persona cattiva e che non mi hai mai amata davvero. Mi sono rifiutata di accettare tutte le cose che mi stavi facendo, così ho continuato a giustificarti e mi sono data la colpa di tutto. Continuavo a trovare scuse per le tue bugie, dicendomi che dovevo aver interpretato male le cose. Ogni volta che ti sorprendevo a tradirmi, mi dicevo che mi stavo immaginando tutto. E in quelle situazioni, ero più che felice di accettare le tue false scuse che ovviamente non avevano senso. Anche se sapevo che stavi abusando di me, dicevo a me stessa che ero troppo sensibile o che era colpa mia per averti provocato. In realtà, erano queste le cose che continuavi a dirmi e io volevo crederci così tanto. Credo che a quei tempi avrei creduto a ogni possibile bugia che mi mettevi davanti. L'unica cosa a cui non volevo credere era la verità. Non ho mai voluto accettare che eri un abusatore tossico e che dovevo stare lontana da te se volevo salvare la mia sanità mentale.

I don’t know what happened but with time, I knew I had to accept it. I guess it was when my bruises were too evident and too big for me to hide. I guess I became ashamed of the people around me seeing them and that was what made me wake up from this nightmare you were putting me through. And that was when I left you for good.

When I first left, you didn’t take me seriously. You were certain I’d come crawling back to you. But that was something I had no intention of doing.

With time, you saw I wasn’t changing my mind. And you couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t believe I had the nerve to walk away from you. And that was when your efforts to win me back started. That was when you allegedly figured it all out and when you realized how badly you had treated me. That was when you started begging me to come back to you, promising me that this time was different and trying to assure me that you were a changed man. That was when you started acting like you would do anything just for me to go back to you.

Ma lasciatemi dire una cosa—I am not buying any of it. I don’t believe you and I never will. I know you don’t want me back because you love me; you want me back because you can’t believe you lost the person who you could always treat the way you wanted to. You want me back to help you boost your sick ego. And that is something I am not ready to do anymore.

You keep finding ways to get to me and you keep telling me you feel sorry for everything you did to me. But I know that is not true. I know you are not even aware of all the suffering I’ve been through because of you. I know that deep down, you still think all of it was my fault. Mi stai dicendo tutto quello che voglio sentire perché pensi che ti aiuterà a riconquistarmi.

Well, it won’t. Non tornerò mai da te e non c'è nulla che tu possa fare per cambiare le cose. I am not telling you this because I’m heartless or because I want revenge for everything you did to me. I am telling you this because I really mean it.

Devi accettare il fatto che non c'è nulla che tu possa fare ora per farmi dimenticare le cose che mi hai fatto in passato. You don’t have a magical eraser that can remove all the wounds and scars on my soul and body that you caused.

Even if you have changed (and I know you haven’t), you need to understand that just seeing your face reminds me of all the pain I’ve been through. It reminds me of every tear I cried for you and of every humiliation you put me through. It reminds me of every time you hit me, of every time you crushed my heart, of every lie you told me straight to my face and of every woman you mi ha tradito con. E non c'è nulla che tu possa fare per farmelo dimenticare.

The only thing you can do is leave me alone. If you really regret all the things you did to me, please let me go and don’t come back into my life ever again.