O meu ex quer-me de volta: 15 coisas a fazer

You’re not one of those girls who looks for ways to get her ex-namorado de volta no Google, mas os fantasmas do seu passado começaram a reaparecer na sua vida do nada e agora aqui está você. Um homem com quem costumava sair e que estava convencida de que a tinha esquecido, está a tentar fazer com que lhe dê outra oportunidade.

For some time, you weren’t sure if it was really happening – you wondered if he was just being friendly or if you were imagining things. However, after a while, you had to admit the truth and say “My ex wants me back” out loud.

I guess you’re utterly confused – it can be a big deal for people when one of their exes reaches out. If you’re honest, this man has never disappeared from your heart completely but despite that, you’re still not sure about your next move.

Well, we’re here to help. Here are 15 things to do if the sentence “My ex wants me back, what should I do” is something you have thought recently.

1. Identificar as razões da rutura

Before you make a move and a final decision regarding this tricky situation, you’ll have to look back to the past. The truth is that you and your ex boyfriend broke things off for a reason, right?

This reason won’t magically disappear the moment you get back together. In fact, it will still be present between you and it’s your job to decide whether it is something you can overcome or if it will continue to be an obstacle in your relationship.

It doesn’t matter whether the reason you called it quits was a big deal, like cheating or abuse, or because your relationship hadn’t been on the right track for a while – the point is pretty much the same.

Either way, at one point, you both thought that you weren’t meant for each other and that it was smarter to romper.

Então, porque é que isto aconteceu? Foi um momento de raiva e uma decisão impulsiva de que ambos acabaram por se arrepender?

Será que foi porque nunca se amaram o suficiente para lutar e tentar salvar a vossa relação?

These are all questions you need to have answers to before you go any further. Most importantly – you need to figure out whether this breakup was the right thing to do.

Of course, there is a huge difference in whether we’re talking about one break up or about multiple breakups. Are you guys in the middle of a never ending circle of breakups and makeups?

2. Descubra porque é que a sua ex pode querer voltar para si

When the sentence “My ex wants me back” goes through your mind and when your ex contacts you, logically the next thing you think of are his reasons. Are his intentions honest or is this man trying to play you again?

Porquê o seu o ex pode querer-te de volta

First and foremost, let’s examine the timing. If he called you out of the blue, it is possible that he genuinely misses you and that he wants to give your relationship another shot because he sees it as true love.

No entanto, se ele tentou contactá-la porque viu que tem um novo parceiro ou porque descobriu que seguiu em frente com a sua vida, isso pode ser apenas o seu ciúme a falar.

Yes, there is a possibility that he didn’t realize he’d lost you for good up until now but to be honest, it’s more likely that his ego can’t stand the fact that he is replaceable and a part of your history.

Another explanation might be nostalgia. Maybe your anniversary date or Valentine’s Day are approaching, or perhaps he’s alone and he thought of you – not because he loves you but because he is melancholic about the good times you shared.

Now, let’s talk about the way he contacted you.

Don’t worry – just because he didn’t tell you how much he missed you right away, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t serious about you. He may just be putting out some feelers and is trying to cover his nervousness and fear of rejection with this kind of approach.

However, if he made some sexual references or inappropriate comments about your body right from the start, without being concerned with anything else,it’s a good sign that you should ask yourself: “Does my ex want to turn me into his booty call?”.

3. Descobrir o comportamento dele durante a separação

Stalking your boyfriend is never a good thing to do. Besides being wrong, it will only bring you problems: he’ll think of you as a lunatic who violates his privacy and you’ll burden yourself with overthinking and jealousy.

However, when you and your ex have spent some time apart and you’re considering a reconciliation, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to examine what he’s been up to during this period because his behavior might have a great impact on your final decision.

It’s crucial to be realistic when it comes to this stage. It doesn’t matter how long you spent apart – you can’t expect him to have lived like a priest just because he lost you.

It’s quite possible that you didn’t even lay eyes on another guy because you loved your ex so much but most men don’t function like that. Therefore, be honest with yourself and accept that he definitely saw other girls, one way or another.

No entanto, é completamente diferente se o seu ex dormiu com todas as raparigas que conseguiu arrastar para a cama, ou se teve uma nova relação séria.

No primeiro caso, é óbvio que ele estava apenas à tua procura em cada mulher he encountered and he walked away from each one of them once he realized that they couldn’t compete with you.

But, things are quite different if he was in a relationship. Even if this happened, though, you have no right to be angry because he didn’t cheat on you – he was a single man and acted accordingly.

However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t worry. Keep in mind that this guy evidently fell in love with another woman after you.

Isto é algo que podes aceitar? Ou ficaria para sempre entre vocês, se por acaso voltassem a juntar-se?

4. Evaluate your feelings…

The next step is not connected to your ex – it’s all about you and your feelings. Before proceeding any further, you have to get to the bottom of your feelings as well, which are equally important.

É mesmo sentir falta deste gajo? Do you feel like you can’t live without him?

Além disso, acha que o ama de verdade? Será que ele é a pessoa certa para si ou é apenas algo temporário?

Has he been in your thoughts all of this time or have you started considering him as an option once more now that he’s started calling and texting you?

Instead of making up with this guy as a test of your emotions, evaluating them before doing anything will save you a lot of unnecessary headaches. Be honest with yourself, don’t suppress your emotions and face them head on.

Afinal de contas, ele pode ser o melhor homem do mundo. As intenções dele podem ser sinceras, ele pode gostar mesmo de si e pode merecer uma segunda oportunidade but if you stopped loving him,what’s the point?

5. …but think things through

Follow your heart’s desire, they say. Do what your feelings tell you, even if it’s not the smartest move in the world.

Don’t listen to anyone but yourself, they say. Give your heart the lead and go after him, no matter what happens and despite the potential consequences.

Sounds romantic, I know. What’s more, it’s not as wrong as you might think.

However, in this kind of scenario, you can’t only think of your emotions. You also have to think things through before acting.

Talvez ames este homem do fundo do teu coração. Talvez estivesse sempre a sentir a falta dele.

It is possible that you’ve been waiting for him to come back for all of this time. So, how can you reject him now that he’s finally come?

However, instead of running after him after his first hint, let’s hear what your mind has to say about all of this.

Let’s be realistic: do you see a futuro para vós juntos? Vocês são compatíveis?

Vale a pena salvar esta relação? Poderá mesmo ser salva, ou está a tentar fazer o impossível?

Would getting back together with this guy be a smart move, regardless of your feelings? Is this the first time he’s begged for a second chance or has this become a habit of his?

Estará a dar-lhe luz verde para continuar a magoá-la se o aceitar de volta agora?

These are all questions I’m sure you would like to avoid, but sadly you have to find answers to them. Trust me – each one of them is crucial for your happiness and they will help you a lot.

Tente colocar as coisas numa escala: há mais lados bons ou maus nesta relação? É provável que desta vez tenham sucesso?

Please, be careful and don’t put any effort into rebuilding a relationship which deep down you know is doomed to fail. Don’t get yourself trapped into an endless circle, if you already know what the outcome will be.

Most importantly – don’t tornar a sua vida mais difícil do que já é. Don’t sacrifice your emotional and mental health for the sake of a toxic romance.

6. Don’t idealize the past

What you and your ex had was probably pretty intense, otherwise you wouldn’t even consider voltar a juntar-se. I’m sure you two shared enormous love and had some beautiful moments.

However, your idyllic past shouldn’t be the reason for you to take this guy back. Instead, you should reconcile with him only if you think that you will be able to build an idyllic future together.

According to more than one relationship expert, one of the worst things you can do is romanticize the past. You only remember the good times and you completely disregard everything bad that went on, so naturally, you’re eager to go back to this kind of a relationship, which seems almost perfect.

You’re just a human being who isn’t looking at things realistically and this is just nostalgia talking. Your relationship wasn’t all roses and butterflies – after all, you broke up in the end, right?

However, even if the relationship was good, it’s not reason enough for a reconciliation. You should never make up with someone just because you share a history together, no matter how beautiful it might be.

7. Descobrir se pode perdoar-lhe

So, it’s already confirmed: something happened between you and your ex which led to your break up. What’s more, it was probably his fault, since he’s the one initiating you two getting back together, while you’re the one who has to make a decision and is having second thoughts.

Para simplificar: existe uma coisa que se quer ou não quer perdoar-lhe para. Esta é exatamente uma das decisões cruciais que tem de tomar: pode perdoá-lo por a ter magoado, ou não?

É capaz de ultrapassar as coisas que ele lhe fez e virar uma página nova? Ou tenciona voltar sempre às suas velhas discussões?

A última coisa que deve fazer é pensar em reatar uma relação com ele se ainda estiver cheia de ressentimentos e rancores.

Don’t get me wrong – nobody will judge you if you can’t forget the past and everything that happened between you two. However, just be honest with yourself and don’t make any moves you’ll regret later on.

On the other hand, if the situation is different and if he’s the one who needs to forgive you, all you can do is apresentar-lhe as suas sinceras desculpas e esperar pela sua resposta. Fale com ele abertamente e pergunte-lhe se tem força para o perdoar ou não.

8. Find out why you want (or don’t want) him back

Now that you’ve got most of these things sorted out, it’s time for you to make a final decision. Will you go back to this man or not?

No entanto, quando responder a esta pergunta, tente ir ao fundo das suas razões, tal como fez com as dele.

Se quer voltar para ele, pergunte a si própria porque é que o quer fazer. Ama-o realmente ou é apenas nostalgia e ego a falar?

Are you trying to prove to him, yourself, and the rest of the world that you’re irreplaceable and that you can have this guy whenever you want?

Quer marcar uma posição e vingar-se de algo do seu passado? Tenciona voltar a estar com ele só para o deixar e fazê-lo passar pelo mesmo sofrimento que você passou?

Are you scared that some other girl will get him, so you’re doing everything in your power to prevent that from happening? Do you see this as a competition, where your ex is the prize?

Do you want to get back together with him because he is your comfort zone? Maybe you think it’s better to go back to your old, familiar ways, even though they’re bad for you, rather than search for someone new and take a step into the unknown.

After all, an old enemy is always better than a new friend. This guy isn’t perfect but at least you know what you can expect from him.

Do you want to take him back because it’s about time you settled down and you’re scared of ending up alone? Because you think you can’t make it through life without him?

Are you doing it because he’s convinced you that you’ll never find someone better than him? Because he’s made you think that you’re inamável e que ele é a única opção que têm?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not claiming that either of this is true. However, it is crucial for you to examine each one of these questions and respond to them as honestly as possible.

You see, everything mentioned above is not a reason to rebuild your relationship. Instead, they’re all wrong motifs which will make your life even more miserable.

Há duas razões simples para voltar para alguém do seu passado: você e o seu ex ainda se amam de todo o coração e acha que, como casal, têm um futuro juntos. Tudo o resto está errado!

9. Pedir ajuda

None of us can be objective and realistic about the stories we’re involved in, and you’re no exception. You’re trying to put everything on a scale and make the right decision but you’re the main protagonist of this drama and you simply can’t observe things objectively.

That’s exactly why you need help choosing between your options. So, when your ex contacts you, turn to your best friends and closest family members for advice.

Don’t get me wrong here: you are an adult and the last thing you need is someone telling you what to do, as if you are incapable of making your own decisions. After all, you’re the only one who’ll have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

If you get back together with this guy, you’re the one who will be with him and the one who will put all of their effort into rebuilding this relationship.

On the other hand, if you decide to miss out on this chance, you’re the one who will keep on saudades dele and the one who will wonder whether she’s made the mistake of her life.

However, you’re also just a human being who is controlled by her emotions. So, in some moments, the people around you have a bigger picture and can come in handy and that’s exactly why I’m advising you to ask them for advice.

These people don’t have their emotions involved in this story, so it is much easier for them to come up with the best solution to your problem.

Of course, you’re not bound to do what they tell you. Nevertheless, someone else’s perspective will help you widen yours.

Another type of help you should ask for is that of a professional relationship expert. You can go to a therapist on your own until you reach a conclusion, or you could ask your ex to look for couple’s counseling, which may help you a lot in the future.

Don’t worry – asking for help is not any kind of weakness. Instead, it shows that you’re a mature person who sees that she has a problem and has started dealing with it in an adult way.

Se decidires aceitá-lo de volta:

After a lot of thought, you’ve made a decision: “My ex wants me back and I will give him outra oportunidade”.

Então, o que é que deve fazer agora? Como se deve comportar e como pode evitar que a sua relação acabe da mesma forma que da última vez?

Just follow these few tips and you’re good to go.

1. Ir com calma

O erro número um que a maioria dos casais comete quando decidem dar uma nova oportunidade à sua relação é o facto de começarem a agir como se nada tivesse acontecido no momento em que se reconciliam. Vão viver juntos imediatamente e colocam a sua relação na velocidade máxima.

Em vez disso, a melhor coisa a fazer é tratar isto como um nova relação. Remember that some time has passed and it is possible that you two have changed, so you’ll need time to get to know each other all over again.

Start by acting like exclusive friends who have committed to getting back together. Of course, you won’t go around seeing other people and exploring other options, but don’t jump into each other’s bed right away either.

Para começar, recomecem a namorar. Enviem mensagens de texto de bom dia e boa noite um ao outro, dêem beijos e sejam românticos.

Falem sobre a vossa relação e levem as coisas o mais devagar possível.

2. Don’t expect your relationship to be the same

Another thing you shouldn’t do is expect your relationship to be the same. After all, something was clearly off in the way you handled things the last time you were together, which means you need a completely new approach to your renewed romance.

Em vez disso, tente encarar esta situação como uma versão melhorada e actualizada da sua relação. Estabeleçam novas regras básicas e mantenham-se fiéis a elas.

3. Work on your issues…

Just because you and your ex have decided to give it another chance, it doesn’t mean that all of your problems have been erased or resolved. Your reconciliation is not a magic stick which has made everything alright overnight.

I know that the last thing you want is to go back to your old arguments now. Instead, you’d prefer to enjoy each other’s presence, without any worries on your mind.

However, there are some issues that need to be worked on if you want to have a healthy start. Otherwise, your past demons will come and haunt you when you least expect them and they’ll end up ruining your romance once again.

So, please, have the courage to talk about your break up and everything that led you to it. Avoid fighting and disregard your ego – instead, join forces to find a middle ground and make sure things like that never happen again.

4. …and then leave them behind

However, after you’re done with your past, leave it behind where it belongs and never look back. Don’t carry your bagagem emocional back into the relationship and don’t allow it to weigh you down.

Once you resolve a certain problem, don’t go back to it every time you disagree on something else. There is no point in seeking revenge, holding grudges, or being resentful and if this is something you can’t seem to live without, maybe you shouldn’t have tried to start over in the first place.

Vocês os dois conseguiram ultrapassar os vossos problemas e perdoar-se mutuamente por todos os vossos erros, por isso não faz sentido estar sempre a reabrir as vossas velhas cicatrizes.

Em vez disso, trabalhem para os curar e virem uma nova página das vossas vidas.

Se decidires não lhe dar outra oportunidade:

It doesn’t matter whether you have chosen not to give this guy another chance because you can’t forgive him for the way he treated you while you were together, because you think that your relationship doesn’t have a future, because you don’t believe he’s changed or for some other reason – the point is the same: you’ve decided not to get back together with him.

Maybe you thought it was better to follow your mind rather than your heart. Maybe you saw through his intentions and realized he’ll only hurt you once more.

Either way, this is what you should do if you’ve decided not to take your ex back, but considered doing so:

1. Mantenha-se firme na sua decisão e aplique a regra de não contacto

When you decide to say a final goodbye to your ex, the only thing you can do is stick to your decision. It wasn’t impulsive and you thought things through, so there is no point in thinking about all the could and should haves.

It is unlikely that you two will succeed in staying friends – after all, he wanted to get back together with you, which makes it clear that your ex still has some romantic feelings for you.

Also, you had second thoughts about this entire situation, so you don’t see him as a friend only either.

Therefore, in this type of situation, the best thing you can do is cut all ties. I’m not saying that you two should become enemies who don’t have the decency to greet when they meet but that’s more than enough contact.

If you’re worried that you’ll get back together with him, despite knowing you shouldn’t and being aware it’s not a good idea, block his number and unfollow all of his social media profiles. Apply the regra de não contacto – not to make him want you even more but to remove yourself physically and emotionally from the situation.

You made this decision for a reason, so don’t allow yourself to fall into temptation by calling or texting him in a moment of weakness.

2. Concentrar-se na cura

Coloca toda a tua energia em curar o seu coração partido e a reconstruir a sua autoestima. Quer goste de o admitir ou não, o facto de este homem aparecer na sua vida pela segunda vez abriu algumas feridas antigas.

You thought you’d gotten over him completely but now, when you’ve had a chance to be with him again, you’ve realized it’s actually not the case.

Since you reconsidered rekindling with him, it is clear that you still have some feelings for him which won’t disappear as easily as you expected. Don’t ignore them but have faith that you will overcome them!

So, instead of wasting any more time on the sentence “My ex wants me back”, focus on yourself. Do whatever it takes to repair your crushed heart, to leave the past behind and to completely move on with your life.

Tente voltar a namorar e, se se sentir preparado, arranje um novo parceiro e comece uma nova relação.