Para a pessoa que é suicida mas quer viver

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve imagined I’m dead. I can’t even describe to you how many times I’ve seen my own funeral, the people around the coffin, how many times I’ve imagined what the world would look like without me in it.

I don’t know why but these thoughts seem to haunt me, yet I don’t want to die. People usually assume that if someone is thinking about death, that person wants to die and if they aren’t thinking about death, they don’t want to die.

That’s not true. What about those who are stuck in a gray zone, thinking about death? What about those like me?

I’ve been thinking about death since high school.

I’ve found myself haunted by suicidal thoughts. I can’t even say that puberty had anything to do with it because death haunts me to this day. I’ve found myself thinking about being kidnapped. I thought about what if one day I never got back home from school?

Havia uma ponte que eu tinha de atravessar todos os dias, quando vinha da escola para casa. Parei tantas vezes no meio dela, a olhar para o rio frio e profundo, a pensar: e se eu caísse?

Como é que me sentiria ao cair, o que é que me passaria pela cabeça durante a queda? Como me sentiria quando o meu corpo entrasse em contacto com a água gelada? Estaria ainda vivo antes de cair no rio ou o meu coração cederia logo no início da queda?

E se eu ficasse vivo, será que a água me puxaria para uma gruta ou algo do género? Será que o meu corpo alguma vez sairia a flutuar?

I could have tried it but I didn’t want to. Those were only thoughts and nothing else. I don’t want to die. I love my life and I want to keep living it. I don’t want my journey to end.

Guardei isto para mim. Nunca disse a ninguém o que me estava a passar pela cabeça com tanta frequência. Sabia que, se partilhasse o que sentia, as pessoas ficariam preocupadas e tentariam evitar que eu me matasse. Mas nunca tive intenção de o fazer.

I don’t want to think about death, it scares me. But I can’t turn off my brain. I can’t tell it what to think about.

These thoughts catch me unprepared. I never know when they are coming. It often happens when I least expect it, when everything in my life is going great, when I don’t have anything to be worried about.

Então, de repente, vejo algo que faz com que a minha mente convide pensamentos negativos para a minha cabeça, para o meu coração.

Depression plays a great part in it. It pops up like an uninvited guest that you can’t get rid of. It leaves when it becomes bored, when it has nothing else to do.

Todas as más recordações, todos os sentimentos reprimidos, vêm à superfície, sufocando-me, não me deixando respirar.

Eu isolo-me do mundo. Fecho-me no meu quarto, a pensar na minha própria dor e a rezar a Deus para que ela pare. Sinto-me sozinho, sinto que ninguém quer saber de mim, que ninguém se importa se eu vivo ou morro. Sinto-me completamente impotente.

When I feel like this, I can’t stop it.

It feels like I’m swimming in an ocean and although there is no one around, I feel safe. The sun is shining and keeping my face warm, it’s like the sun is kissing me. I feel safe and happy, I’m enjoying myself.

Mas depois, do nada, aparece uma nuvem enorme e bloqueia o sol. Começa a ficar frio e aquele belo e vasto oceano que me fazia sentir livre e feliz deixa de ser um lugar seguro.

Now it’s like being trapped in a scary nightmare in which I’m fighting for my every breath. Big waves are drowning me and land is nowhere to be found. I’m helpless. Helpless and alone.

And this happens all the time. I drift off in my thoughts, I’m in a safe place and then the clouds appear all of a sudden. I never see it coming and I can’t chase it away.

And I never know when it’s coming again. I can only hope it doesn’t.

I know I’m not alone.

In the beginning, I thought I was. I thought that something was seriously wrong. I know that there are people like me out there. And I want to tell you that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy.

Talk to someone, anyone. Talk to someone you trust, a friend or a family member, a therapist. You have to let those thoughts out. You have to say them out loud. You have to get confirmation that you’re not different from everyone else.

There are a lot of us out there who struggle every day with trying to win this battle but they don’t talk about it. And then you think you’re the only one.

I’ve kept my thoughts to myself for years because I was too scared to be labeled as the crazy one. Who in their right mind is thinking about death but doesn’t want to die? I was so scared they were going to commit me and pronounce me unfit to live on my own.

Depois arrisquei-me e falei com a pessoa em quem mais confiava. Depois encontrei apoio e um lugar seguro para onde ir sempre que estes pensamentos, estes sentimentos que são tão reais como os seus, me consomem.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Don’t be ashamed of what is happening to you. You’re not the only one. You’re not mad. You are just being honest with yourself. You’re accepting what you’re feeling.