Alla persona che ha tendenze suicide ma vuole vivere

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve imagined I’m dead. I can’t even describe to you how many times I’ve seen my own funeral, the people around the coffin, how many times I’ve imagined what the world would look like without me in it.

I don’t know why but these thoughts seem to haunt me, yet I don’t want to die. People usually assume that if someone is thinking about death, that person wants to die and if they aren’t thinking about death, they don’t want to die.

That’s not true. What about those who are stuck in a gray zone, thinking about death? What about those like me?

I’ve been thinking about death since high school.

I’ve found myself haunted by suicidal thoughts. I can’t even say that puberty had anything to do with it because death haunts me to this day. I’ve found myself thinking about being kidnapped. I thought about what if one day I never got back home from school?

C'era un ponte che dovevo attraversare ogni giorno, tornando a casa da scuola. Mi sono fermata tante volte nel mezzo, fissando il fiume freddo e profondo, pensando a cosa sarebbe successo se fossi caduta?

Come mi sarei sentito mentre cadevo, cosa mi sarebbe passato per la testa durante la discesa? Come mi sentirei quando il mio corpo entrasse in contatto con l'acqua ghiacciata? Sarei ancora vivo prima di cadere nel fiume o il mio cuore cederebbe proprio all'inizio della caduta?

E se fossi rimasto vivo, l'acqua mi avrebbe trascinato in una grotta o qualcosa del genere? Il mio corpo sarebbe mai uscito a galla?

I could have tried it but I didn’t want to. Those were only thoughts and nothing else. I don’t want to die. I love my life and I want to keep living it. I don’t want my journey to end.

L'ho tenuto per me. Non ho mai detto a nessuno cosa mi passava per la testa così spesso. Sapevo che se avessi condiviso quello che provavo, le persone si sarebbero preoccupate e avrebbero cercato di salvarmi dal suicidio. Ma non ho mai avuto intenzione di farlo.

I don’t want to think about death, it scares me. But I can’t turn off my brain. I can’t tell it what to think about.

These thoughts catch me unprepared. I never know when they are coming. It often happens when I least expect it, when everything in my life is going great, when I don’t have anything to be worried about.

Poi, all'improvviso, vedo qualcosa che fa scattare nella mia mente l'invito a entrare nella mia testa e nel mio cuore con pensieri negativi.

Depression plays a great part in it. It pops up like an uninvited guest that you can’t get rid of. It leaves when it becomes bored, when it has nothing else to do.

Tutti i brutti ricordi, tutti i sentimenti repressi, vengono a galla, mi soffocano, non mi lasciano respirare.

Mi isolo dal mondo. Mi chiudo nella mia stanza, rimuginando sul mio dolore e pregando Dio che smetta. Mi sento sola, sento che a nessuno importa di me, a nessuno importa se vivo o muoio. Mi sento completamente impotente.

When I feel like this, I can’t stop it.

It feels like I’m swimming in an ocean and although there is no one around, I feel safe. The sun is shining and keeping my face warm, it’s like the sun is kissing me. I feel safe and happy, I’m enjoying myself.

Ma poi, dal nulla, appare un'enorme nuvola che blocca il sole. Inizia a fare freddo e quel bellissimo e vasto oceano che mi faceva sentire libero e felice non è più un luogo sicuro.

Now it’s like being trapped in a scary nightmare in which I’m fighting for my every breath. Big waves are drowning me and land is nowhere to be found. I’m helpless. Helpless and alone.

And this happens all the time. I drift off in my thoughts, I’m in a safe place and then the clouds appear all of a sudden. I never see it coming and I can’t chase it away.

And I never know when it’s coming again. I can only hope it doesn’t.

I know I’m not alone.

In the beginning, I thought I was. I thought that something was seriously wrong. I know that there are people like me out there. And I want to tell you that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy.

Talk to someone, anyone. Talk to someone you trust, a friend or a family member, a therapist. You have to let those thoughts out. You have to say them out loud. You have to get confirmation that you’re not different from everyone else.

There are a lot of us out there who struggle every day with trying to win this battle but they don’t talk about it. And then you think you’re the only one.

I’ve kept my thoughts to myself for years because I was too scared to be labeled as the crazy one. Who in their right mind is thinking about death but doesn’t want to die? I was so scared they were going to commit me and pronounce me unfit to live on my own.

Poi ho corso il rischio e ho parlato con la persona di cui mi fidavo di più. Poi ho trovato un sostegno e un luogo sicuro dove andare ogni volta che questi pensieri, questi sentimenti che sono reali come i vostri, mi consumano.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Don’t be ashamed of what is happening to you. You’re not the only one. You’re not mad. You are just being honest with yourself. You’re accepting what you’re feeling.