Como reconhecer o engano e a mentira por omissão nos relacionamentos

“The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time – and then shut up.”―Robert A. Heinlein

Yes, lying by omission is the slickest, most efficient, and smoothest way to deceive and lie. Still, that doesn’t make it okay.

A definição de mentira por omissão é mais ou menos a seguinte: omitir factos importantes e relevantes numa conversa, a fim de promover uma ideia errada.

Many wonder if it’s even really lying when you lie by omission. Let’s find out whether omission actually is lying and how it destroys relationships.

A omissão é uma mentira e porque é que as pessoas praticam a mentira por omissão?

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.”―Molière

Então, a omissão é deitado? É claro que é. Pertence a 7 tipos de mentiras:

Omissão – a person leaves out information that is relevant to how the whole situation is perceived.

Erro – a person truly believes they are telling the truth. They made a mistake and their words aren’t true even though they believe they are.

Reestruturação – a person alters the scene in a way that makes them less involved.

​Denial – a person refuses or doesn’t have the ability to accept the truth. They’re usually also lying to themselves.

Minimização – a person reduces the effects of whatever happened.

Exagero – a person builds up the story in a way that suits them to look their best or uses unnecessary hyperboles.

Fabrico – a person invents a whole story and tells a complete lie (these lies are called lies of commission).

Omission seems to be one of the most innocent ways of lying. Even a lie detector wouldn’t pick those kinds of lies up since they aren’t even false statements, they’re just incomplete truths.

Still, it seems like lies of omission aren’t any easier to deal with when they’re used in romantic relationships. Why does it hurt so bad?

We’ll get into the details, but the ultimate reason is that the person who’s being deceived or having secrets kept from them feels intentionally hurt by their loved one, who obviously has very little respect for them as they’ve chosen to let them live in a false reality.

Porque é que as pessoas preferem ignorar algumas partes da verdade?

1) Por causa do medo. They don’t want to be on the receiving end of anger or any kind of punishment they think may follow if they tell the complete truth.

2) Sentem-se culpados for the thing they did that they aren’t willing to openly speak about and think hiding it is the best choice.

3) Têm vergonha of what they did and don’t want their loved ones to perceive them differently.

Estas são algumas das frases mais comuns que uma pessoa que mentiu por omissão usará quando o seu segredo for descoberto:

“I just couldn’t bear to tell you!”

“It didn’t seem like important information to share at the moment.“

“I didn’t actually lie, I just didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.“

“I was afraid of what you would say!”

Embora possam fazer todo o sentido, mentir por omissão continua a ser mentir e dói bastante.

So, what is it about lying by omission that cuts so deep? Let’s find out.

6 razões pelas quais a mentira por omissão numa relação é destrutiva

1. As omissões levam a encobrir mentiras que podem ser difíceis de seguir

Quando uma pessoa opta por dizer meias verdades, a maior parte das vezes a sua história deixa algumas perguntas sem resposta.

To the partner who’s having a secret kept from them the whole thing may seem illogical and they usually start asking additional questions just so they can have a clear understanding of what’s going on.

The person who’s keeping the secret, in an attempt to keep their secret, tells mentiras that weren’t a part of their original plan.

Estes complicam ainda mais a situação, criando um ambiente confuso e sombrio na relação.

2. The person who’s holding a secret feels uncomfortable and guilty

Mesmo que dizer a verdade possa não mudar a relação tanto quanto o enganador acredita que mudaria, toda a experiência de omissão muda.

Unless they’re a psychopath, the partner who’s keeping a secret will start feeling guilty about the things they didn’t say.

Uma pessoa que se sente culpada continua a arruinar a relação de muitas formas diferentes, e a sua primeira mentira de omissão é apenas um ponto de partida para o que vem a seguir.

3. As mentiras de omissão e os segredos criam uma barreira à ligação

To be able to tell the truth even when you know it won’t make you look good, you have to feel like you’re in a safe environment.

If a person who’s generally not a liar and deceiver chooses to omit something, it might mean that they’re actually having trust issues.

Quando a mentira é divulgada, bloqueia a verdadeira intimidade.

O detentor do segredo sente todo o tipo de emoções perturbadoras e é incapaz de se abrir em qualquer outro aspeto da relação porque a mentira ou a verdade omitida o impede de o fazer.

In these situations, closeness is avoided and there’s usually a decrease in conversation and physical intimacy which means that the sexual relationship between two people fades as well.

It’s impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with clear communication and strong connection without being completely honest with each other.

Lies of omission destroy intimacy and that’s probably their most destructive influence in relationships (or should I say relações tóxicas). 

4. O engano destrói a autoestima de ambas as pessoas na relação

The person who chooses to lie may begin questioning themselves completely, especially if it’s the first time they did something like that.

Feeling awful and guilty about doing something inconsiderate to their partner makes them feel like bad people and they have a hard time accepting what they’ve done but still can’t seem to find a way to tell the truth.

Isto arruína lentamente a sua autoestima.

Para quem recebe a mentira, a sua autoestima pode ser arruinada por dois aspectos diferentes da omissão.

O primeiro aspeto da omissão é quando a mentira ainda não foi descoberta.

Sometimes, things don’t add up for them, and they feel distrusting, suspicious, and generally weird, which can make them think there’s something wrong with them.

The other aspect of omission is after the secret is discovered, where the person obviously feels many different things that we’ll talk about in just a minute.

O conjunto de emoções negativas faz com que a sua autoestima diminua.

5. A pessoa a quem mentiram sente demasiadas emoções negativas para contar

After the person who was lied to discovers the truth they go through a major self-questioning process. There’s so much happening in their mind.

Em primeiro lugar, sentem-se confusas e podem mesmo negar o que aconteceu.

Then, they feel abandoned by the person they love and who they believed loved them. They suddenly feel like they can’t trust anything or anyone.

Sentem-se menos perceptivos ou mesmo estúpidos por não terem percebido que estavam a ser enganados antes. Começam a sentir-se zangadas com o parceiro e também consigo próprias.

Todas estas emoções são demasiado fortes para lidar com elas e muitas vezes desenvolvem ansiedade sobre toda a situação.

É muito difícil lidar com o facto de ser enganado por um ente querido.

Mesmo que consigam perdoar e esquecer, a marca na sua psique permanece para sempre e leva-os a têm problemas de confiança e ser mais desconfiado e nervoso no futuro.

6. A forma como um mentiroso lida com a culpa cria ainda mais danos do que a própria mentira

Gerir a culpa e a vergonha cria muitos problemas novos. O detentor do segredo, ao esconder um segredo, começa a esconder cada vez mais aquilo que é em cada dia que passa.

In order to justify their actions (and deal with what they’ve done), they may withdraw, grow resentful of their partner, become incredibly critical or judgmental, highly irritable, or even aggressive.

A mentira cria-lhes conflitos internos e utilizam muitas ferramentas psicológicas para lidar com eles.

Na maior parte das vezes, tornam-se distantes e inacessíveis ao parceiro, o que faz com que a relação se desmorone por si só, sem que a mentira seja descoberta.

Everyone who’s afraid of telling the truth should think about this before they decide that lying is easier because it’s so much more complicated than it seems.

If you’re thinking that your partner might be telling you half-truths and letting you believe something that isn’t (completely) true, read about these signs to find out if you’re right.

7 sinais subtis de que o seu parceiro pode estar a ser enganado

1. They’re open about using little lies or white lies

They’re perfectly okay with using fibs all the time. They don’t even find it uncomfortable having to tell a white lie, it’s simply the way they function.

Little lies are something they believe to be necessary and they don’t even consider telling the truth whenever the truth might be even slightly more complicated to deal with than a lie.

They’re obviously capable of lying with a straight face and little lies are the most natural part of their everyday life.

2. O seu comportamento em relações passadas é menos do que admirável

Sabe que eles costumavam mentir ou enganar os seus ex-parceiros. Quem foi capaz de o fazer uma vez é quase de certeza capaz de o fazer novamente.

It’s not necessarily true that they will do it, but you definitely have to watch out a bit more than you would with a partner who has always been open and honest in their relationships.

3. Viviam numa família onde não havia problema ou era necessário ter segredos

Há aqui dois casos diferentes:

1) O seu parceiro vem de uma família em que um dos pais o encoraja a mentir ao outro ou a outras pessoas em geral.

They think it’s okay to tell lies that seem irrelevant to them because that’s the way they were brought up.

A família deles funciona assim desde que se lembram e nunca foram ensinados a ser sempre sinceros.

Their parent(s) might have told them that it’s okay to lie in order not to hurt someone or in order to avoid confrontation.

2) O seu parceiro provém de uma família em que teve de desenvolver um mecanismo de sobrevivência para lidar com pais demasiado controladores.

Their parents wouldn’t accept that they were growing up and wanted to do certain things so they used to lie to avoid punishment or anger.

Also, it’s possible that their parents were overly aggressive and their punishments were too harsh and that’s how they taught themselves to lie in order to avoid pain.

Whenever they feel like their partner is ”trying to control” their life in any kind of way or whenever they fear their partner might disapprove of their choice, they simply omit the truth.

In both cases, lying has become so natural to them that you can’t even notice their body language change when they tell a lie.

A mentira foi a sua melhor amiga enquanto cresciam, e ainda é, por isso usam-na para evitar situações desconfortáveis.

4. Usam mentiras de omissão a toda a hora com amigos, família ou no trabalho

You know that they use social lies when they communicate with their friends or family and you’re aware of how often they do it without even blinking.

If it’s perfectly okay for them to omit the truth to their friends and family, or tell any kind of lies, why do you think they won’t do it to you?

Also, if your partner’s job requires them to become used to paltering or deceiving this means two things:

1) é óbvio que são capazes de fazer tal coisa sem se preocuparem demasiado com o efeito que isso tem,

2) sooner or later, this behavior will become their habit and they will transfer it to their personal relationships if they haven’t already.

The truth is, people who are able to deceive others usually don’t choose who it is. They use deception as a tool whenever they think it’s necessary and that’s all there is to it.

5. Têm geralmente dificuldade em aceitar a responsabilidade pelos seus actos

People who don’t shy away from deception and lies usually have a problem with accepting responsibility in general.

Whatever happens, even when they’re the only ones causing an issue, it’s somehow never their fault.

There’s always a reason for their inappropriate behavior and they’re amazing when it comes to coming up with excuses.

Whenever you ask, there’ll be many complicated circumstances that led them to do something that caused you harm, but it’s never ever them who should be blamed.

6. Normalmente evitam o confronto

As pessoas que evitam o confronto são pessoas mais propensas a mentir por omissão. Faz todo o sentido.

They avoid telling the truth or the complete truth for the sake of avoiding confrontation. It’s as simple as that.

Situações stressantes que exijam argumentar, provar pontos de vista e discutir apaixonadamente estão demasiado fora da sua zona de conforto.

Sempre que pensam que um conflito de qualquer tipo pode ser causado por algo que fizeram ou disseram, simplesmente não admitem que o fizeram ou disseram.

Não dizer a verdade é mais fácil para eles do que envolverem-se num conflito.

7. They don’t keep their promises

Que nome daria a uma promessa e não a cumpre? Enganador? Mentiroso?

Whatever you call it, it speaks of a person’s integrity, honestidadee também sobre o significado que a sua palavra tem para eles.

If a person never commits to making their promises reality, they obviously don’t care that much about the truth of their own words.

If ignoring their promises is a regular thing for your partner, that probably means they’re willing to deceive you in other ways as well.

Uma mentira, por mais inocente que pareça, pode realmente custar tudo a uma pessoa. Contar uma única mentira põe uma sombra sobre todas as verdades que uma pessoa disse.

People are hardly ever upset that they’ve been told one insignificant lie, they’re upset they can no longer trust the person who said it.

Always choose honesty and keep it real, it’s the only way of living and loving that makes sense.