Cómo reconocer el engaño y la mentira por omisión en las relaciones de pareja

“The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time – and then shut up.”―Robert A. Heinlein

Yes, lying by omission is the slickest, most efficient, and smoothest way to deceive and lie. Still, that doesn’t make it okay.

La definición de mentir por omisión es más o menos la siguiente: omitir hechos importantes y relevantes en una conversación para fomentar una idea errónea.

Many wonder if it’s even really lying when you lie by omission. Let’s find out whether omission actually is lying and how it destroys relationships.

¿Es la omisión una mentira y por qué la gente practica la mentira por omisión?

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.”―Molière

Entonces, ¿es omisión mentir? Claro que sí. Pertenece a los 7 tipos de mentiras:

Omisión – a person leaves out information that is relevant to how the whole situation is perceived.

Error – a person truly believes they are telling the truth. They made a mistake and their words aren’t true even though they believe they are.

Reestructuración – a person alters the scene in a way that makes them less involved.

​Denial – a person refuses or doesn’t have the ability to accept the truth. They’re usually also lying to themselves.

Minimización – a person reduces the effects of whatever happened.

Exageración – a person builds up the story in a way that suits them to look their best or uses unnecessary hyperboles.

Fabricación – a person invents a whole story and tells a complete lie (these lies are called lies of commission).

Omission seems to be one of the most innocent ways of lying. Even a lie detector wouldn’t pick those kinds of lies up since they aren’t even false statements, they’re just incomplete truths.

Still, it seems like lies of omission aren’t any easier to deal with when they’re used in romantic relationships. Why does it hurt so bad?

We’ll get into the details, but the ultimate reason is that the person who’s being deceived or having secrets kept from them feels intentionally hurt by their loved one, who obviously has very little respect for them as they’ve chosen to let them live in a false reality.

¿Por qué la gente decide saltarse algunas partes de la verdad?

1) Por miedo. They don’t want to be on the receiving end of anger or any kind of punishment they think may follow if they tell the complete truth.

2) Se sienten culpables for the thing they did that they aren’t willing to openly speak about and think hiding it is the best choice.

3) Se avergüenzan of what they did and don’t want their loved ones to perceive them differently.

Estas son algunas de las frases más comunes que una persona que ha mentido por omisión utilizará cuando se descubra su secreto:

“I just couldn’t bear to tell you!”

“It didn’t seem like important information to share at the moment.“

“I didn’t actually lie, I just didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.“

“I was afraid of what you would say!”

Aunque todas ellas tengan mucho sentido, mentir por omisión sigue siendo mentir y duele bastante.

So, what is it about lying by omission that cuts so deep? Let’s find out.

6 razones por las que mentir por omisión en una relación es destructivo

1. Las omisiones llevan a encubrir mentiras que pueden ser difíciles de seguir

Cuando una persona decide contar medias verdades, lo más frecuente es que su historia deje algunas preguntas sin respuesta.

To the partner who’s having a secret kept from them the whole thing may seem illogical and they usually start asking additional questions just so they can have a clear understanding of what’s going on.

The person who’s keeping the secret, in an attempt to keep their secret, tells mentiras that weren’t a part of their original plan.

Eso complica aún más la situación, creando un ambiente desordenado y oscuro en la relación.

2. The person who’s holding a secret feels uncomfortable and guilty

Aunque decir la verdad puede que no cambie la relación tanto como el que engaña cree que lo haría, toda la experiencia de la omisión sí lo hace.

Unless they’re a psychopath, the partner who’s keeping a secret will start feeling guilty about the things they didn’t say.

Una persona que se siente culpable sigue arruinando la relación de muchas maneras diferentes, y su primera mentira por omisión es sólo un punto de partida para lo que viene después.

3. Las mentiras por omisión y los secretos crean una barrera a la conexión

To be able to tell the truth even when you know it won’t make you look good, you have to feel like you’re in a safe environment.

If a person who’s generally not a liar and deceiver chooses to omit something, it might mean that they’re actually having trust issues.

Una vez que la mentira está ahí fuera, bloquea la verdadera intimidad.

El poseedor del secreto siente todo tipo de emociones perturbadoras y es incapaz de abrirse en cualquier otro aspecto de la relación porque la mentira o la verdad omitida se lo impiden.

In these situations, closeness is avoided and there’s usually a decrease in conversation and physical intimacy which means that the sexual relationship between two people fades as well.

It’s impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with clear communication and strong connection without being completely honest with each other.

Lies of omission destroy intimacy and that’s probably their most destructive influence in relationships (or should I say relaciones tóxicas). 

4. El engaño destruye la autoestima de ambas personas en la relación

The person who chooses to lie may begin questioning themselves completely, especially if it’s the first time they did something like that.

Feeling awful and guilty about doing something inconsiderate to their partner makes them feel like bad people and they have a hard time accepting what they’ve done but still can’t seem to find a way to tell the truth.

Esto arruina poco a poco su autoestima.

Para el que recibe la falsedad, su autoestima puede verse arruinada por dos aspectos diferentes de la omisión.

El primer aspecto de la omisión es cuando la mentira aún no se ha descubierto.

Sometimes, things don’t add up for them, and they feel distrusting, suspicious, and generally weird, which can make them think there’s something wrong with them.

The other aspect of omission is after the secret is discovered, where the person obviously feels many different things that we’ll talk about in just a minute.

El cúmulo de emociones negativas hace que su autoestima disminuya.

5. La persona a la que han mentido siente demasiadas emociones negativas para contarlas

After the person who was lied to discovers the truth they go through a major self-questioning process. There’s so much happening in their mind.

En primer lugar, se sienten confusos e incluso pueden negar lo ocurrido.

Then, they feel abandoned by the person they love and who they believed loved them. They suddenly feel like they can’t trust anything or anyone.

Se sienten menos perspicaces o incluso estúpidos por no haberse dado cuenta antes de que les estaban mintiendo. Empiezan a enfadarse tanto con su pareja como consigo mismos.

Todas estas emociones son demasiado con lo que lidiar y a menudo desarrollan ansiedad sobre toda la situación.

Ser engañado por un ser querido es muy difícil de afrontar.

Aunque consigan perdonar y olvidar, la marca en su psique permanece para siempre y les hace tienen problemas de confianza y ser más desconfiado y nervioso en el futuro.

6. La forma en que un mentiroso maneja la culpa crea aún más daño que la propia mentira

Gestionar la culpa y la vergüenza crea muchos problemas nuevos. El poseedor del secreto, al ocultar un secreto, empieza a ocultar cada día más quién es.

In order to justify their actions (and deal with what they’ve done), they may withdraw, grow resentful of their partner, become incredibly critical or judgmental, highly irritable, or even aggressive.

La mentira les crea un conflicto interior y utilizan muchas herramientas psicológicas para afrontarlo.

La mayoría de las veces se vuelven distantes e inalcanzables para su pareja, lo que provoca que la relación se desmorone por sí sola, sin que ni siquiera se descubra la mentira.

Everyone who’s afraid of telling the truth should think about this before they decide that lying is easier because it’s so much more complicated than it seems.

If you’re thinking that your partner might be telling you half-truths and letting you believe something that isn’t (completely) true, read about these signs to find out if you’re right.

7 señales sutiles de que su pareja podría ser engañosa

1. They’re open about using little lies or white lies

They’re perfectly okay with using fibs all the time. They don’t even find it uncomfortable having to tell a white lie, it’s simply the way they function.

Little lies are something they believe to be necessary and they don’t even consider telling the truth whenever the truth might be even slightly more complicated to deal with than a lie.

They’re obviously capable of lying with a straight face and little lies are the most natural part of their everyday life.

2. Su comportamiento en relaciones pasadas es menos que admirable

Sabe que solían mentir o engañar a sus ex parejas. Alguien que fue capaz de eso una vez es casi seguro que puede volver a hacerlo.

It’s not necessarily true that they will do it, but you definitely have to watch out a bit more than you would with a partner who has always been open and honest in their relationships.

3. Vivían en una familia en la que estaba bien o era necesario tener secretos

Aquí hay dos casos diferentes:

1) Tu pareja procede de una familia en la que uno de los progenitores le animaba a mentir al otro o a otras personas en general.

They think it’s okay to tell lies that seem irrelevant to them because that’s the way they were brought up.

Su familia ha funcionado así desde que tienen uso de razón y nunca les enseñaron a ser siempre sinceros.

Their parent(s) might have told them that it’s okay to lie in order not to hurt someone or in order to avoid confrontation.

2) Tu pareja procede de una familia en la que tuvo que desarrollar un mecanismo de supervivencia para hacer frente a unos padres excesivamente controladores.

Their parents wouldn’t accept that they were growing up and wanted to do certain things so they used to lie to avoid punishment or anger.

Also, it’s possible that their parents were overly aggressive and their punishments were too harsh and that’s how they taught themselves to lie in order to avoid pain.

Whenever they feel like their partner is ”trying to control” their life in any kind of way or whenever they fear their partner might disapprove of their choice, they simply omit the truth.

In both cases, lying has become so natural to them that you can’t even notice their body language change when they tell a lie.

Mentir era su mejor amigo de la infancia, y lo sigue siendo, así que lo utilizan para evitar situaciones incómodas.

4. Utilizan mentiras por omisión todo el tiempo con amigos, familiares o en el trabajo

You know that they use social lies when they communicate with their friends or family and you’re aware of how often they do it without even blinking.

If it’s perfectly okay for them to omit the truth to their friends and family, or tell any kind of lies, why do you think they won’t do it to you?

Also, if your partner’s job requires them to become used to paltering or deceiving this means two things:

1) es evidente que son capaces de hacer algo así sin preocuparse demasiado por el efecto que tiene,

2) sooner or later, this behavior will become their habit and they will transfer it to their personal relationships if they haven’t already.

The truth is, people who are able to deceive others usually don’t choose who it is. They use deception as a tool whenever they think it’s necessary and that’s all there is to it.

5. Generalmente les cuesta aceptar la responsabilidad de sus actos

People who don’t shy away from deception and lies usually have a problem with accepting responsibility in general.

Whatever happens, even when they’re the only ones causing an issue, it’s somehow never their fault.

There’s always a reason for their inappropriate behavior and they’re amazing when it comes to coming up with excuses.

Whenever you ask, there’ll be many complicated circumstances that led them to do something that caused you harm, but it’s never ever them who should be blamed.

6. Suelen evitar la confrontación

Las personas que evitan la confrontación son más propensas a mentir por omisión. Tiene mucho sentido.

They avoid telling the truth or the complete truth for the sake of avoiding confrontation. It’s as simple as that.

Las situaciones estresantes que requieren argumentar, probar puntos y discutir apasionadamente están demasiado lejos de su zona de confort.

Siempre que piensan que un conflicto de cualquier tipo puede deberse a algo que han hecho o dicho, sencillamente pasan de admitir que lo han hecho o dicho.

No decir la verdad es más fácil para ellos que implicarse en un conflicto.

7. They don’t keep their promises

¿Cómo llamarías a hacer una promesa y no cumplirla? ¿Engañar? ¿Mentir?

Whatever you call it, it speaks of a person’s integrity, honradezy también sobre lo mucho que su palabra significa para ellos.

If a person never commits to making their promises reality, they obviously don’t care that much about the truth of their own words.

If ignoring their promises is a regular thing for your partner, that probably means they’re willing to deceive you in other ways as well.

Una mentira, por inocente que parezca, puede costarle todo a una persona. Decir una sola mentira ensombrece todas las verdades que una persona ha dicho.

People are hardly ever upset that they’ve been told one insignificant lie, they’re upset they can no longer trust the person who said it.

Always choose honesty and keep it real, it’s the only way of living and loving that makes sense.