Uma carta aberta à minha depressão

Olá, Depressão!

Só quero que saibam que estou a escrever por muitas razões. Quero pôr tudo no papel para me consciencializar de que tenho uma doença real e que provavelmente fará parte de mim para o resto da minha vida.

I am also writing this letter for all those people who keep asking me what is wrong with me and why I don’t look okay. I just want to tell them that they should mind their own business and to get the fuck off of me.

E, acima de tudo, estou a escrever esta carta para vos conhecer melhor. Porque, apesar de fazeres parte da minha vida há muito tempo, nunca falei contigo diretamente. Mas agora já é altura, certo?

It is time to accept you as an equal because even if I don’t think so, you run my mind and at the moment, I can’t do anything about that. You are always there, and even if I think that you have gone for a couple of days, I can’t totally relax, knowing that you are waiting just around the corner to attack me again.

But you never come alone. You have your best friend always coming with you. She is similar to you, but she still makes me feel different. She makes my brain work overtime, like it is my last day on this planet and like something bad will happen to me if I don’t organize my life. Her name is ansiedade.

So, anxiety, if you are reading this letter, I want you to know that there are a couple of lines in this letter for you as well, since I don’t want you to feel neglected. No fim de contas, tu também fazes parte da minha vida e eu preciso de começar a conhecer-te também.

You and depression are a perfect duo that makes my every day a living hell. First, you make me all nervous about the smallest things in my life, and then when you convince me that everything will be bad, depression comes and says that I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed because I am incapable of doing anything right.

It tells me that I am not worthy, that I am not enough and that all the other people are way better than me. It also tells me that I am the unlovable one and that people spend time with me only because of their interests. It keeps telling me that I don’t possess any values and that others can handle many tasks better than me.

E, no final do dia, depois de ter lutado como um leão durante todo o dia, sou incapaz de pensar com clareza. Sou incapaz de falar normalmente com os meus amigos, pessoas que merecem tudo de mim mas que recebem apenas as migalhas da minha mesa.

But thank God, they know how I feel, so they always tell me to get some rest and that I shouldn’t worry for not spending time with them, even if I said that I would.

You know depression, you are doing so much harm to me but I don’t know why you even came into my life. Why are you doing all these nasty things to me? Why are you making me lose my mind, and why do you want to see me down?

Because no matter how much I try to talk to myself, no matter how much I try to rationalize things, I simply can’t. I can’t fight you because you are stronger every single time.

Luckily, I can pretend well that I am okay, even if you keep feeding me with your dark thoughts. People don’t see that my world is actually falling apart while there is a smile on my face.

Sabes, vivendo tanto tempo contigo, tornei-me um mentiroso perfeito, and I can convince all the people around me that I am okay, even if I am not. I can convince them that I am having the time of my life, but the harsh truth is that I actually don’t feel any happiness.

Estou confortavelmente entorpecido e, algures ao longo do caminho, aprendi a viver assim. Quer queiras quer não, aceitei-te como parte da minha vida, e luto com esse sentimento todos os dias.

Por isso, como te conheço há tanto tempo, queria pedir-te um favor. Queria pedir-te para relaxares um pouco, está bem? Podes deixar-me viver sem ti por uns dias? Sabes, vai ser bom para nós os dois. Tu vais descansar de mim e Deus sabe que eu vou descansar de ti.

Se me deixares por uns dias, voltarei a ser o mesmo de sempre. Vou rir-me. Sentir-me-ei feliz. Sentirei que Eu sou dignoe que eu sou suficiente. A vida voltará a ser bela para mim e poderei respirar a plenos pulmões.

Então, o que dizes? Deixas-me em paz por algum tempo? I promise I will be good. I promise I won’t forget about you. Life will just be simpler. Life will just be my own, and I won’t share it with anyone.

Don’t think that I will find another friend because you are my friend for life. So, don’t be afraid to go away because I am not going anywhere. I will be right here and when you wish, you can come back. But when you leave me and when you look at my face from a distance, take a moment and think about me.

Do you really want to turn off that fire in my eyes and the laugh that makes others laugh as well? Do you really want to see me down, crawled in my bed for days, thinking about suicide because I can’t live any longer like that? Don’t you know that if I die, you will be dead as well?

Bear in mind that you DON’T exist without me! If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have anyone to terrorize. So, I am asking you for just a small favor, okay? Since we must live in symbiosis, let’s make it easier for the both of us. If you are about to be a part of my life forever, let’s make this partnership bearable.

Let’s be amigos, okay? Let’s talk. Let’s do everything together. But let’s just separate from each other once in a while. I assure you that we both need that time for ourselves.

Garanto-vos que estou a fazer o que é correto. Dá-me apenas uma pausa, para que possa recomeçar de novo. Dá-me uma pausa, para que eu possa reunir alguma energia para batalhas sem sentido contigo.

Dá-me um descanso, para que eu me possa lembrar do que é ser feliz.

Come on depression, don’t be such a bitch, and let me breathe!