Apaixonei-me por ti de forma tão inocente. Eras o meu melhor amigo, por quem me apaixonei rapidamente, conhecendo a tua personalidade enigmática e angustiada. Éramos jovens, sim, mas eu acreditava de todo o coração que iríamos resistir aos testes do tempo. Crescemos juntos; partilhámos amor, risos, lágrimas, dificuldades e saímos sempre vitoriosos. Então o que é que correu mal?

I poured myself into you. Now, as a free woman, I see just how you drained me—how I lost myself to you in my inept attempts to save you, to help you. You were doomed from the start. You became my living hell and abused my love time and time again, somehow always shifting the blame or making yourself the victim.

Notícia de última hora! És uma pessoa terrível.

How many times did I have to listen to you, with your head in your hands, moan about how you were this awful, self destructive individual. About how I deserved better and how you ruin everything you touch. How ludicrous to think how those times were always met with me comforting you, telling you you weren’t a monster, that it’s fine and that I’ll help you through it. How often did I unknowingly put my own mental health aside to assist you with yours? Too many times is the answer. You pulled the same boring, monotonous crap when I called you out on your behaviour, when I stood there and said your selfish behaviour wasn’t right. You’d fight me on it, but being the feisty girl I am, I would not back down. Not at least until you played the same trick, bowing your head and forcing out tears, dry sobs about how you hated been called selfish.

É a pessoa mais egoísta e egocêntrica que alguma vez conheci.

Our last year together was the hardest time of my life. We moved in together and pretty soon, I became pregnant. It was unplanned but I was thrilled. You took some time coming round to the idea, although you will deny that profusely now. That’s okay though. I understood as it was a bit of a shock. Over time though, I needed your support then. I needed you to be there for me, to help me as we lived in a home I was completely nervous about being in alone. That was too much for me to ask of you. You insisted ainda sai e tem uma vida social. Voltava do trabalho para casa, sozinha, grávida e com medo. Mas isso nunca foi suficiente para mudar os teus hábitos. Continuavas a chegar a uma hora ridícula, a vomitar no lava-loiça da cozinha, sabendo perfeitamente que eu tinha de ir trabalhar de manhã cedo.

Na altura devia ter visto os sinais.

Amadureceu à medida que eu crescia, mas nunca o suficiente para me dar a sensação de segurança a que uma mulher grávida tem direito por parte do seu companheiro. Depois mudámo-nos para uma casa nova e encantadora, perto da família, perfeita para criar uma criança juntos, como uma pequena unidade feliz. Era suposto ser o início de uma vida incrível e feliz. A nossa linda filha chegou e, durante duas semanas, tudo foi perfeito. Parecíamos felizes, como qualquer novo pai. Um bebé saudável, lindo e descontraído só podia aproximar um casal tão forte.

Como eu estava errado, completamente e totalmente errado.

Como um veado apanhado pelos faróis, congelou. Evitava chegar a casa do trabalho a uma hora razoável, alegando constantemente que não tinha trocos para os autocarros. Continuava a insistir em sair à noite algumas vezes por semana, apesar de trabalhar seis dias e de ter muito pouco tempo com a sua filha. Onde estava o meu tempo? Quando é que tive a minha liberdade? Cada momento que tirava, tirava-me a mim. Eu não tinha outra hipótese senão fazer tudo, lutar sozinha.

Perdi-me A depressão pós-natal instalou-se. Fiquei sozinha com o meu filhinho perfeito a maior parte do tempo, enquanto tu fazias tudo e mais alguma coisa para fugir à responsabilidade de ser pai. Sentei-me contigo nas raras ocasiões em que estavas por perto e implorei-te, supliquei-te. Disse-te que me sentia como um pai solteiro, que estava a lutar para lidar com a situação e que precisava desesperadamente que estivesses ao meu lado. Chorei tantas vezes o meu coração em desespero, pedindo a tua ajuda. A resposta que obtive? “I’m going to bed. I need time to process this”. Never have someone’s words nor actions cut so deep into my chest as those did then. How irrelevant had I become to you at this point that you could just so easily dismiss me and ignore the very real reality that I was fading away? Then you, my best friend and partner of several years, you betrayed me further.

Traíste-me da pior maneira possível.

You fell in lust with someone else. You became the clichéd villain in my story and confessed attraction to your work colleague, one of the very colleagues you’d introduced me to, who had met our child and who I’d befriended. You met up with her behind my back to discuss those “Feelings” on a day that should have been dedicated to myself and your daughter. And later that day, you dropped the bomb shell.

“I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore”. That’s right, you didn’t even have the balls to tell me there was someone else.

Not until I forced the truth from your lips. That was when it began to unravel. Because this was not the first time you’d done this to me. A year and a half prior, the same thing occurred. You’d nearly made out with another work colleague on a night out. And that time had killed me, as well as any self-esteem I’d once possessed. Now you were trying to strip me of it again. Despite the immense pain and anxiety you were causing on an hourly basis, we agreed to try and work through our “issues” on the agreement that you were to stop contact with said colleague until we knew where we were. You see, I couldn’t bring myself to instruct you to never speak to her again as I understood how much you’d miss that friendship, how it would affect the circle of work friends you had. How much of a complete and utter moron could I be? Because you didn’t stick to the agreement. You messaged her. But not only did messaging her not satisfy you, no, you had to message her the gooiest, romantic pile of rubbish I sadly had the fortune of landing my eyes upon.

Mesmo assim, depois da mágoa, da traição e da agonia total das tuas acções, insisti em dar-te uma oportunidade de fazeres as coisas bem.

And you took that chance, making promises you had no intention to keep. You dragged my suffering on for weeks which turned into months. You pulled the same crap again—of never been home on time, never taking responsibility for your child. On your ONLY day off, you would disappear for a couple of hours or more and refuse to ever take your child with you. You refused me the time away from parenting that you felt you were so entitled to give yourself in great generous amounts.

Ver também: Antes de lhe dares outra oportunidade, lê isto

Chegou ao fim no momento em que decidiste ficar na rua depois da meia-noite sem me dar qualquer indicação.

Mas teve coragem de o fazer? Claro que não. Tentaste todos os truques possíveis para me afastares, para que fosse eu a acabar com tudo. Não foi uma técnica subtil e eu recusei-me a dar-te a saída mais fácil. Eras sempre tu que empurravas a culpa, que evitavas a responsabilidade. Por isso, por uma vez na tua vida miserável, terias de o fazer. O cobarde que tu és demorou duas semanas antes de finalmente morder a bala.

Upon our separation, I asked you for one thing. I asked that you respect me enough to not go running into the arms of the very woman you emotionally cheated with…

Two weeks later, you confessed you’d arranged a date with her. After nine years together, after I’d brought our child into this world, that’s the level of respect you had for me? I regret to say, even then, with all the anger, hurt and betrayal rushing through my body, I still didn’t see you for exactly who you are. After all the arguments, breakdowns and tears, you remained stony and cold in your level of respect for me. You played sneaky, devious, trying to make out that I was the cheat by incorrectly wording your stories. You tried to play the victim and say that I had moved on quickly by seeking physical validation with someone else. It really doesn’t take a genius to understand that that’s what my intentions were with such interactions. You used my role as primary parent as a weapon, accusing me of doing just that when really it was about taking care of myself.

That’s right, I put myself first and you tried to make it about you.

Mostrou-se surpreendido quando lhe manifestei a minha preocupação por ter de tomar conta da nossa filha sozinho durante um período de tempo prolongado. Como é que eu podia confiar na sua capacidade de lidar com a situação quando não me tinha dado provas disso desde que ela nasceu? Depois, tentou acusar-me de não lhe dar essa oportunidade. Quantas vezes implorei e chorei pela tua ajuda, para que agisses como um pai e me ajudasses?

And even after all this, I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Not yet.

I reached the lowest point barely days ago. We had gotten to a point over the span of a couple of weeks where we were talking like two decent human beings. We were becoming friendly again, reminding me of the friendship we used to have and that on lonely nights I craved so badly. You lulled me into a blissful, false sense of security, where I’d got my friend back—the best friend I missed and whose absence had hit me just as hard as the loss of a long-term lover. Then the bomb hit. You had arranged to go on a double date with the girl you cheated on me and left me for with our joint best friend. Not even 4 months after our separation. And, once again showing your absolute cowardice, it wasn’t even from your lips I learned this from.

I have spent the last 2 days crying like I’ve never cried before. And you saw those tears. You saw the rawness of my face, the redness in my eyes as I tried desperately not to completely lose myself to the pain.

It wasn’t enough for you to completely ruin my world, to show a complete lack of remorse and respect for me, to belittle my feelings so harshly. No, you had to introduce your new foolish girlfriend into our joint friendship group so soon, without a single thought thrown my way.

Numa única ação egocêntrica, conseguiu isolar-me, violar o meu espaço e quebrar-me completamente mais do que alguma vez o fez.

Do I think it was done maliciously? No. But that makes it worse. I have such little space left in your life, in your thoughts that my emotions, still very fraught from your previous assaults, meant so little to you. I didn’t once cross your mind while you made such nefarious plans. I spent nine years of my life loving you and I’ve somehow become that irrelevant to you.

Passei os últimos dias em lágrimas, mas também preso na raiva, no ódio. A tua amizade anterior parece uma nova traição. Voltaste a querer o melhor de mim. Querias o melhor de tudo: a rapariga que escolheste em vez da tua família e o teu melhor amigo de volta. Não mereces ser feliz. Não mereces uma vida fácil. Nunca merecerás a parte de mim que um dia te dei tão fácil e prontamente.

Hoje, tive a minha epifania. A mesma constatação que me tinha sido dita várias centenas de vezes desde a nossa separação.

Não mereces o meu ódio. I realised that I can voice my opinions, tell you about the harm you constantly keep inflicting upon me. I can scream and shout and cuss until I’m blue in the face, until there are no more tears left to cry. I can berate you. I can breakdown before you as I have done numerous times before. I can plead and I can beg. I can continue to waste my precious energy on the anger and hatred I feel towards you and the very girl I considered a friend.

Mas qual é o objetivo?

You will not listen. You will not change. You will not care. You will continue to be the “woe is me” guy. You will continue to be selfish, self-centred and cruel. You will not stop being the person I now know you to be. You will still be the narcissistic, cowardly little boy and nothing I say will change that. You are not worth the energy it takes to be angry. I’m only keeping myself down as I hold onto that grief-induced fury.

Eras a causa da minha angústia. Agora não és nada. És irrelevante e vou continuar a lembrar-me disso para o resto da minha vida, se for preciso.

Não estou nem de perto nem de longe resolvido, nem creio que o venha a estar durante muito tempo. O que eu estou, no entanto, é quebrado e estou finalmente a reconhecer isso. Continuaste a aumentar os danos, a acrescentar-me mais fendas até que finalmente me despedacei. Agora, posso recompor-me. I will not be the same and nor do I desire to be. I will create a beautiful mosaic from the remnants of who I once was as I design a better, stronger me. I will focus on loving me and learning about myself. I will discover who I am as an individual and I will grow stronger with each passing day that I refuse to allow the anger and resentment to rule me. I will become the best version of myself and I will work hard to achieve that. And along the way, you get no part of the creation. You do not have the privilege to know the new me, to bask in my light or to share in my friendships. You have destroyed any chance of that happening. You will always play a part in my life, as my daughter’s father, but your role to me personally will be miniscule.

Não me vou rir da tua desgraça quando o karma te visitar, nem me vou importar.

From this moment forth, you are nothing more than my perfect child’s biological father and that is all you will ever be.

The road ahead for me will be tough and that is terrifying but also exciting. I will have down days; I will have up days. There will be times where I want to cry my eyes out, whether that be from the stresses of single parenting, loneliness or heartache. But I will remember at those times of hardship that I escaped—that I had a lucky escape and that separation really gives you clarity to the hell you were submitting yourself to.

Sou um mosaico em formação. Serei a versão mais bela e vibrante de mim própria, feita a partir dos pedaços da minha antiga pessoa. Serei mais sábio. Serei mais inteligente e, acima de tudo, serei mais feliz. Há meses que as pessoas me dizem a mesma coisa: para não deixar que a amargura e a raiva me dominem. Pode ter-me sido repetido milhares de vezes, mas até que eu finalmente o percebesse, a tarefa era impossível. Vou viver cada dia para mim e para a minha filha de 1 ano. Respeitar-me-ei. Vou cuidar melhor de mim. Aprenderei a amar-me a mim próprio.

por Katie Aspinall