Carta abierta a mi depresión

¡Hola, Depresión!

Quiero que sepas que escribo por muchas razones. Quiero ponerlo todo por escrito para ser consciente de que tengo una enfermedad real y que probablemente formará parte de mí el resto de mi vida.

I am also writing this letter for all those people who keep asking me what is wrong with me and why I don’t look okay. I just want to tell them that they should mind their own business and to get the fuck off of me.

Y, sobre todo, escribo esta carta para conocerte mejor. Porque, aunque formes parte de mi vida desde hace mucho tiempo, nunca te he hablado directamente. Pero ya va siendo hora, ¿no?

It is time to accept you as an equal because even if I don’t think so, you run my mind and at the moment, I can’t do anything about that. You are always there, and even if I think that you have gone for a couple of days, I can’t totally relax, knowing that you are waiting just around the corner to attack me again.

But you never come alone. You have your best friend always coming with you. She is similar to you, but she still makes me feel different. She makes my brain work overtime, like it is my last day on this planet and like something bad will happen to me if I don’t organize my life. Her name is ansiedad.

So, anxiety, if you are reading this letter, I want you to know that there are a couple of lines in this letter for you as well, since I don’t want you to feel neglected. Al fin y al cabo, tú también formas parte de mi vida y yo también tengo que empezar a conocerte.

You and depression are a perfect duo that makes my every day a living hell. First, you make me all nervous about the smallest things in my life, and then when you convince me that everything will be bad, depression comes and says that I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed because I am incapable of doing anything right.

It tells me that I am not worthy, that I am not enough and that all the other people are way better than me. It also tells me that I am the unlovable one and that people spend time with me only because of their interests. It keeps telling me that I don’t possess any values and that others can handle many tasks better than me.

Y al final del día, después de luchar como un león durante toda la jornada, soy incapaz de pensar con claridad. Soy incapaz de hablar con normalidad con mis amigos, personas que se merecen todo de mí pero que sólo reciben las migajas de mi mesa.

But thank God, they know how I feel, so they always tell me to get some rest and that I shouldn’t worry for not spending time with them, even if I said that I would.

You know depression, you are doing so much harm to me but I don’t know why you even came into my life. Why are you doing all these nasty things to me? Why are you making me lose my mind, and why do you want to see me down?

Because no matter how much I try to talk to myself, no matter how much I try to rationalize things, I simply can’t. I can’t fight you because you are stronger every single time.

Luckily, I can pretend well that I am okay, even if you keep feeding me with your dark thoughts. People don’t see that my world is actually falling apart while there is a smile on my face.

Sabes, viviendo tanto tiempo contigo, me convertí en un perfecto mentiroso, and I can convince all the people around me that I am okay, even if I am not. I can convince them that I am having the time of my life, but the harsh truth is that I actually don’t feel any happiness.

Estoy cómodamente insensible y en algún momento del camino aprendí a vivir así. Lo quieras o no, te acepté como parte de mi vida, y estoy luchando con ese sentimiento cada día.

Así que, como te conozco desde hace tanto tiempo, quería pedirte un favor. Quería pedirte que aflojes un poco, ¿quieres? ¿Puedes por favor dejarme vivir sin ti un par de días? Será bueno para los dos. Descansarás un poco de mí y Dios sabe que yo descansaré de ti.

Si me dejas un par de días, volveré a ser la de antes. Me reiré. Sentiré felicidad. Sentiré que Soy dignoy que soy suficiente. La vida volverá a ser bella para mí y podré respirar con los pulmones llenos.

Entonces, ¿qué me dices? ¿Me dejarás en paz por un tiempo? I promise I will be good. I promise I won’t forget about you. Life will just be simpler. Life will just be my own, and I won’t share it with anyone.

Don’t think that I will find another friend because you are my friend for life. So, don’t be afraid to go away because I am not going anywhere. I will be right here and when you wish, you can come back. But when you leave me and when you look at my face from a distance, take a moment and think about me.

Do you really want to turn off that fire in my eyes and the laugh that makes others laugh as well? Do you really want to see me down, crawled in my bed for days, thinking about suicide because I can’t live any longer like that? Don’t you know that if I die, you will be dead as well?

Bear in mind that you DON’T exist without me! If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have anyone to terrorize. So, I am asking you for just a small favor, okay? Since we must live in symbiosis, let’s make it easier for the both of us. If you are about to be a part of my life forever, let’s make this partnership bearable.

Let’s be amigos, okay? Let’s talk. Let’s do everything together. But let’s just separate from each other once in a while. I assure you that we both need that time for ourselves.

Te aseguro que estoy haciendo lo correcto. Sólo dame un descanso, para que pueda reiniciar de nuevo. Dame un respiro, para que pueda reunir algo de energía para batallas sin sentido contigo.

Dame un respiro, así podré recordarme a mí misma lo que es ser feliz.

Come on depression, don’t be such a bitch, and let me breathe!