I just want you to know that I am writing for many reasons. I want to put it all on paper so I become aware that I have an actual disease and that it is probably going to be a part of me for the rest of my life.
I am also writing this letter for all those people who keep asking me what is wrong with me and why I don’t look okay. I just want to tell them that they should mind their own business and to get the fuck off of me.
And most of all, I am writing this letter to get to know you better. Because, even if you have been a part of my life for a long time, I have never talked to you directly. But now it is about time, right?
It is time to accept you as an equal because even if I don’t think so, you run my mind and at the moment, I can’t do anything about that. You are always there, and even if I think that you have gone for a couple of days, I can’t totally relax, knowing that you are waiting just around the corner to attack me again.
But you never come alone. You have your best friend always coming with you. She is similar to you, but she still makes me feel different. She makes my brain work overtime, like it is my last day on this planet and like something bad will happen to me if I don’t organize my life. Her name is anxiety.
So, anxiety, if you are reading this letter, I want you to know that there are a couple of lines in this letter for you as well, since I don’t want you to feel neglected. In the end, you are a part of my life as well, and I need to start to get to know you as well.
You and depression are a perfect duo that makes my every day a living hell. First, you make me all nervous about the smallest things in my life, and then when you convince me that everything will be bad, depression comes and says that I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed because I am incapable of doing anything right.
It tells me that I am not worthy, that I am not enough and that all the other people are way better than me. It also tells me that I am the unlovable one and that people spend time with me only because of their interests. It keeps telling me that I don’t possess any values and that others can handle many tasks better than me.
And at the end of the day, after fighting like a lion for the whole day, I am incapable of thinking straight. I am incapable of talking normally with my friends, people who deserve all of me but get just the crumbs from my table.
But thank God, they know how I feel, so they always tell me to get some rest and that I shouldn’t worry for not spending time with them, even if I said that I would.
You know depression, you are doing so much harm to me but I don’t know why you even came into my life. Why are you doing all these nasty things to me? Why are you making me lose my mind, and why do you want to see me down?
Because no matter how much I try to talk to myself, no matter how much I try to rationalize things, I simply can’t. I can’t fight you because you are stronger every single time.
Luckily, I can pretend well that I am okay, even if you keep feeding me with your dark thoughts. People don’t see that my world is actually falling apart while there is a smile on my face.
You know, living this long with you, I became a perfect liar, and I can convince all the people around me that I am okay, even if I am not. I can convince them that I am having the time of my life, but the harsh truth is that I actually don’t feel any happiness.
I am comfortably numb and somewhere along the road, I learned to live like that. Want it or not, I accepted you as a part of my life, and I am struggling with that feeling every day.
So, since I have known you for so long, I wanted to ask you for a favor. I wanted to ask you to loosen it up a bit, will you? Can you just please let me live without you for a couple of days? You know, it will be good for the both of us. You will get some rest from me and God knows I will get a rest from you.
If you leave me for a couple of days, I will be the old me again. I will laugh. I will feel happiness. I will feel that I am worthy, and that I am enough. Life will be beautiful for me again, and I will be able to breathe with full lungs.
So, what do you say? Will you leave me alone for some time? I promise I will be good. I promise I won’t forget about you. Life will just be simpler. Life will just be my own, and I won’t share it with anyone.
Don’t think that I will find another friend because you are my friend for life. So, don’t be afraid to go away because I am not going anywhere. I will be right here and when you wish, you can come back. But when you leave me and when you look at my face from a distance, take a moment and think about me.
Do you really want to turn off that fire in my eyes and the laugh that makes others laugh as well? Do you really want to see me down, crawled in my bed for days, thinking about suicide because I can’t live any longer like that? Don’t you know that if I die, you will be dead as well?
Bear in mind that you DON’T exist without me! If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have anyone to terrorize. So, I am asking you for just a small favor, okay? Since we must live in symbiosis, let’s make it easier for the both of us. If you are about to be a part of my life forever, let’s make this partnership bearable.
Let’s be friends, okay? Let’s talk. Let’s do everything together. But let’s just separate from each other once in a while. I assure you that we both need that time for ourselves.
I assure you that I am doing the right thing. Just give me a break, so I can restart again. Give me a break, so I can gather some energy for meaningless battles with you.
Give me a break, so I can remind myself what it is like to be happy.
Come on depression, don’t be such a bitch, and let me breathe!