Uma carta para a terceira roda em todos os meus encontros: A minha ansiedade de namorar

Hey, old friend. You might be surprised that I’m writing you like this, since you and I are rarely apart and you’ve been a piece of me for ages.

However, I’m not sure about the first time I met you. I can’t tell how, when, and why you entered my life.

Tudo o que sei é que não existe um único encontro na minha memória sem que tu sejas a terceira roda.

I can’t remember any of my romantic relationships of which you weren’t a part, including those in my teenage years.

Let’s face it, you’ve made my life hell harder. But with time, I got used to you and even accepted you to a certain extent.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I like you. It doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with all of these fears and overthinking you’re causing.

Afinal de contas, quem é que ficaria feliz com uma vozinha na nuca a toda a hora? Uma vozinha que lhes diz que as coisas vão correr da pior maneira possível e que nada lhes vai correr bem.

Primeiro, começa quando conheço um tipo novo.

Tem ele gosta mesmo de mim? Ou será que ele está a brincar comigo?

Perhaps he had a bet with his friends about whether he’ll be able to score my number? Maybe he’s trying to get to my friend through me?

Porque quem é que gostaria de mim? Quem é que estaria genuinamente interessado em mim?

E o mais importante, porquê? O que é que este tipo vê em mim?

Depois de me permitirem, de alguma forma, avançar desta fase inicial, a luta continua.

Como é que devo responder à sua mensagem de texto? Como é que respondo ao seu telefonema sem que a minha voz trema?

How can I hide the fact that I’m terrified of something so ordinary and everyday like going out on a date?

Naturalmente, a primeiro encontro é um verdadeiro pesadelo. I’m not just talking about some random stuff that goes through almost every girl’s mind when she’s about to go out with a guy for the first time, like what she should wear or whether she’ll like him.

No, I’m talking about real panic attacks that stop me from functioning properly. I’m talking about the fact that I feel like someone is forcing me to go out with this guy I’m really attracted to.

Será que ele me vai deixar pendurada? Será que vamos passar a noite inteira num silêncio desconfortável?

Será que ele vai ficar desiludido com o meu aspeto? Será que ele vai reparar que tenho dificuldade em respirar e que as palmas das minhas mãos estão sempre a suar?

Once I manage to enter a relationship (which rarely happens), that’s when my real battles start and when I notice that everything up to that point was just a piece of cake.

What if he grows tired of me? What if he’s still thinking about his ex?

What if I’m not good enough in bed? What if he’s just playing with me?

Será que ele me ama ou está apenas a fingir? Sou demasiado carente?

Why did he kiss me differently this morning? Why isn’t he holding my hand right now?

Ele está a ficar mais frio? Ou estou a imaginar coisas?

Does he want to end things but can’t find a way to do so? Is he staying with me out of pity?

Estarei desesperado por dar demasiado de mim? Devo mostrar menos emoções?

Did he say “I love you” because it was time or did he really feel it? Would he care if he lost me?

Sounds pretty exhausting, right? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg and something I’ve been living with ever since I can remember.

However, this isn’t only a hate letter for everything you’re putting me through. Believe it or not, I also want to thank you.

Thank you for all those times you chased away the men who couldn’t handle me no meu pior, showing me that they didn’t deserve my best either.

For all those times you saved me from those superficial fuckboys who didn’t even try looking past my trauma. For every time my overthinking and not wanting to rush things helped me avoid guys who only wanted to get me in bed.

Thank you for being my shield and my defense mechanism from all the men who don’t deserve to meet the real me.

Obrigado por me teres dado esta forte intuição que me permite pressentir más intenções a uma milha de distância. Por não me deixares saltar de uma relação para outra e por me fazeres esperar pelo homem certo.

A guy who will see that I’m much more than my anxiety. A guy who will be patient enough to uncover the layers of my personality. The guy who will love me for who I am.