Una carta a la tercera rueda de todas mis citas: Mi ansiedad por las citas

Hey, old friend. You might be surprised that I’m writing you like this, since you and I are rarely apart and you’ve been a piece of me for ages.

However, I’m not sure about the first time I met you. I can’t tell how, when, and why you entered my life.

Todo lo que sé es que no hay ni una sola cita en mi memoria en la que tú no seas la tercera rueda.

I can’t remember any of my romantic relationships of which you weren’t a part, including those in my teenage years.

Let’s face it, you’ve made my life hell harder. But with time, I got used to you and even accepted you to a certain extent.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I like you. It doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with all of these fears and overthinking you’re causing.

Después de todo, ¿a quién le gustaría tener una vocecita en la cabeza todo el tiempo? Una vocecita que le dice que las cosas se desarrollarán en el peor escenario posible y que nada le saldrá bien.

Primero, empieza cuando conozco a un chico nuevo.

En realmente le gusto? ¿O es que me está tomando el pelo?

Perhaps he had a bet with his friends about whether he’ll be able to score my number? Maybe he’s trying to get to my friend through me?

¿Porque a quién le gustaría? ¿A quién le interesaría de verdad?

Y lo más importante, ¿por qué? ¿Qué ve este tipo en mí?

Después de permitirme avanzar de algún modo desde esta etapa inicial, la lucha continúa.

¿Cómo debo responder a su mensaje de texto? Cómo responderé a su llamada sin que me tiemble la voz?

How can I hide the fact that I’m terrified of something so ordinary and everyday like going out on a date?

Naturalmente, el primera cita es una auténtica pesadilla. I’m not just talking about some random stuff that goes through almost every girl’s mind when she’s about to go out with a guy for the first time, like what she should wear or whether she’ll like him.

No, I’m talking about real panic attacks that stop me from functioning properly. I’m talking about the fact that I feel like someone is forcing me to go out with this guy I’m really attracted to.

¿Me dejará plantada? ¿Pasaremos toda la noche en un silencio incómodo?

¿Le decepcionará mi aspecto? ¿Se dará cuenta de que me cuesta respirar y de que me sudan las palmas de las manos todo el tiempo?

Once I manage to enter a relationship (which rarely happens), that’s when my real battles start and when I notice that everything up to that point was just a piece of cake.

What if he grows tired of me? What if he’s still thinking about his ex?

What if I’m not good enough in bed? What if he’s just playing with me?

¿Me quiere o sólo finge? ¿Estoy demasiado necesitada?

Why did he kiss me differently this morning? Why isn’t he holding my hand right now?

¿Se está enfriando? ¿O me estoy imaginando cosas?

Does he want to end things but can’t find a way to do so? Is he staying with me out of pity?

¿Estoy desesperado por dar demasiado de mí? ¿Debería mostrar menos emociones?

Did he say “I love you” because it was time or did he really feel it? Would he care if he lost me?

Sounds pretty exhausting, right? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg and something I’ve been living with ever since I can remember.

However, this isn’t only a hate letter for everything you’re putting me through. Believe it or not, I also want to thank you.

Thank you for all those times you chased away the men who couldn’t handle me en mi peor momento, showing me that they didn’t deserve my best either.

For all those times you saved me from those superficial fuckboys who didn’t even try looking past my trauma. For every time my overthinking and not wanting to rush things helped me avoid guys who only wanted to get me in bed.

Thank you for being my shield and my defense mechanism from all the men who don’t deserve to meet the real me.

Gracias por darme esta fuerte intuición que me permite percibir las malas intenciones a la legua. Por no permitirme saltar de una relación a otra y hacerme esperar a que llegue el hombre adecuado.

A guy who will see that I’m much more than my anxiety. A guy who will be patient enough to uncover the layers of my personality. The guy who will love me for who I am.