Lettera al terzo incomodo di ogni appuntamento: La mia ansia da appuntamento

Hey, old friend. You might be surprised that I’m writing you like this, since you and I are rarely apart and you’ve been a piece of me for ages.

However, I’m not sure about the first time I met you. I can’t tell how, when, and why you entered my life.

So solo che nella mia memoria non esiste un solo appuntamento in cui tu non sia il terzo incomodo.

I can’t remember any of my romantic relationships of which you weren’t a part, including those in my teenage years.

Let’s face it, you’ve made my life hell harder. But with time, I got used to you and even accepted you to a certain extent.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I like you. It doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with all of these fears and overthinking you’re causing.

Dopo tutto, chi sarebbe felice di avere sempre una vocina in testa? Una vocina che dice loro che le cose si svolgeranno nel peggiore dei modi e che nulla andrà bene per loro.

Innanzitutto, inizia quando incontro un nuovo ragazzo.

Fa Gli piaccio davvero? O forse mi sta solo prendendo in giro?

Perhaps he had a bet with his friends about whether he’ll be able to score my number? Maybe he’s trying to get to my friend through me?

Perché a chi potrei piacere? Chi sarebbe sinceramente interessato a me?

E soprattutto, perché? Cosa vede questo ragazzo in me?

Dopo avermi permesso di avanzare in qualche modo da questa fase iniziale, la lotta continua.

Come devo rispondere al suo messaggio? Come rispondo alla sua telefonata senza che mi tremi la voce?

How can I hide the fact that I’m terrified of something so ordinary and everyday like going out on a date?

Naturalmente, il primo appuntamento è un vero incubo. I’m not just talking about some random stuff that goes through almost every girl’s mind when she’s about to go out with a guy for the first time, like what she should wear or whether she’ll like him.

No, I’m talking about real panic attacks that stop me from functioning properly. I’m talking about the fact that I feel like someone is forcing me to go out with this guy I’m really attracted to.

Mi darà buca? Passeremo l'intera serata in un silenzio imbarazzante?

Sarà deluso dal mio aspetto? Noterà che ho difficoltà a respirare e che mi sudano continuamente i palmi delle mani?

Once I manage to enter a relationship (which rarely happens), that’s when my real battles start and when I notice that everything up to that point was just a piece of cake.

What if he grows tired of me? What if he’s still thinking about his ex?

What if I’m not good enough in bed? What if he’s just playing with me?

Mi ama o sta solo fingendo? Sono troppo bisognosa?

Why did he kiss me differently this morning? Why isn’t he holding my hand right now?

Sta diventando più freddo? O mi sto immaginando le cose?

Does he want to end things but can’t find a way to do so? Is he staying with me out of pity?

Sono disperato perché do troppo di me stesso? Dovrei mostrare meno emozioni?

Did he say “I love you” because it was time or did he really feel it? Would he care if he lost me?

Sounds pretty exhausting, right? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg and something I’ve been living with ever since I can remember.

However, this isn’t only a hate letter for everything you’re putting me through. Believe it or not, I also want to thank you.

Thank you for all those times you chased away the men who couldn’t handle me al mio peggio, showing me that they didn’t deserve my best either.

For all those times you saved me from those superficial fuckboys who didn’t even try looking past my trauma. For every time my overthinking and not wanting to rush things helped me avoid guys who only wanted to get me in bed.

Thank you for being my shield and my defense mechanism from all the men who don’t deserve to meet the real me.

Grazie per avermi dato questo forte intuito che mi permette di percepire le cattive intenzioni a un miglio di distanza. Per non avermi permesso di saltare da una relazione all'altra e per avermi fatto aspettare che arrivasse l'uomo giusto.

A guy who will see that I’m much more than my anxiety. A guy who will be patient enough to uncover the layers of my personality. The guy who will love me for who I am.