I’m not a grumpy person at all. In my past life (the one I had before marriage) I was known for a cheerful nature and always being in a good mood. My friends would say my superpowers were contagious optimism and loads of positive energy. My glass was always half full.
Then I got married to James. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great dude and I love him beyond words, but boy does he know how to piss me off.
We fought almost every day!
The main cause of our arguments was that I always felt he doesn’t help enough around the house. We kept fighting over the same issue but never got to resolve it and it was so frustrating.
After ten years of being together, my irritation levels skyrocketed and I would get furious every time I had to pick up his dirty socks or throw away an empty toothpaste tube he had left on the sink.
Maybe I was overreacting sometimes, but can you imagine yourself cleaning after someone for a WHOLE TEN YEARS? I swear,
A few times I wanted to suffocate him!
I would often make sarcastic comments while cleaning the mess he had left behind, he pretended to overhear it and life would go on. Then one day, I came home after a very long day at work and I saw the sink crowded with dirty dishes and a trash can so full that garbage was falling out and then I SNAPPED!
– “I’m so sick of this!” I roared.
– “All you need is ask, and I would help you.” he said and looked at me blankly.
I got even more grouchy and flooded him with a wordy stream of my resentment. He replied in a very angry tone, serving me a bunch of nonsense for his defense. We continued arguing and then it escalated. In the end, it didn’t get resolved and we repeated the same pattern the next day.
Then I learned how to break the pattern
It took me a long time before I realized that we were making a big mistake when discussing hot-button issues in the heat of the moment.
I needed to reach the breaking point to be able to see it’s necessary to have a serious talk only when both of us get to cool off and then we can speak without the need to raise our voices. Weekends are the perfect time for this, then life is calmer.
If you remain calm and respectful you can get him to hear what you’re saying, MAYBE UNDERSTAND how you feel and get the picture.
How did I make him listen?
I would start bringing up the issues only when we were both peaceful, chirpy, and content.
I told him we’re a team and we need to play to win. Then I explained in detail what exactly he needed to do regarding the house chores and how he could help me out with the kids.
I said I would appreciate it if he would clean the kitchen after cooking the dinner.
“Dishes in the sink won’t bite you, it’s all safe, just put them in the dishwasher. Also, you can unload the dishwasher from time to time, please don’t wait for me to tell you.”
Then I continued sharing vivid pictures of all the triggers I ran into when I entered our home:
“When you see a trash bin overflowing, it’s time to take the trash out!”
“Feel free to buy new clothes or toys for kids, you don’t need to wait for a special occasion.”
“When you notice the laundry box is full, move the dirty laundry into the washing machine and turn it on.”
“When I hand you the groceries list, please try to search through the supermarket on your own, don’t call me in two-minute intervals to ask for help.”
“You can iron your shirts yourself, I have a pile of kids’ clothes to defeat.”
“It won’t kill you if you pick up the toys and put them in a box occasionally!”
“Sometimes YOU can attend the school event instead of me.”
“Help the kids brush their teeth and read them a goodnight story.”
I can’t say it’s all perfect now, but I see improvements every day. So try to talk to your hubby when you’re not mad. You’ll be amazed at how effective it can be.
Also, dear husbands, we often feel as if YOU DON’T NOTICE or appreciate any of our efforts. We need more acknowledgment, help, and more thank yous!