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It Was Always Him And It Will Always Be Him…

It Was Always Him And It Will Always Be Him…

You were my person, the one I ran to with any problems I was facing, yet I couldn’t trust a word you said. When we started out, everything was fine. We were a happy couple who didn’t have a care in the world. Or so I thought…

You had been cheating on me the whole time and one night when you were drunk you admitted it to me. That was the first time you broke my heart…..

It was always you, because even after that, I took you right back. After a month of me healing from what you had done, one of the girls you cheated on me with had you jumped and things were never the same….

You started drinking very heavily and doing many hard, illegal drugs. I told myself I could do better than you and that I didn’t need you in my life. Yet it was always you, so I stuck around.

You told me to leave you so many times, yet I never listened because I thought I loved you and that you maybe loved me…. You would say, “I love you,” every night and then you’d go to a party after I fell asleep. When I asked you to stop and grow up for us you said you would…. I should’ve known that was just the beginning of the oh so many lies to be told…..

You didn’t go to any parties out of ‘respect’ for my wishes for about two weeks. Then one night I fell asleep after a huge argument we’d had and I knew something was up, I could just feel that you were at a party, so I called you… It went straight to voicemail… I called another three times and you never picked up… My heart started racing and my mind was everywhere and my person, the one guy I thought I could count on, was nowhere to be found.

Finally, at three in the morning, I got a call from you that killed every part of me… You called me while you were with another girl and I heard everything you said to her and I heard everything she said….. Then I heard the noises I wouldn’t get out of my head all night – the sounds of her moans and the sound of you….

I stayed on the phone until you two were done and then you picked it up and I’m guessing you saw that I was still there and you said to me, “Hey babe, what’s up?” Like, what do I say to this? Do I say, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Finally I got the words out, “Hi love” and you had a conversation with me like nothing had ever happened…

“Hey babe, what’s up?”
“Hi love.”
“Why did you call me?”
“I didn’t call, you did.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“It’s okay. Are you okay?”
“I’m great, babe!!”
“That’s good. I’m going back to bed.”
“Okay babe, I love you.”

After that, I hung up the phone but I didn’t go to bed… I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore… Tears would not physically come out anymore and I just felt dead inside.

See also: To The Guy Who Beat Me To An Emotional Death

I never confronted you about what happened that night but I should have, because for the next 5 months I would get the same, at least once a week. After a while, I became numb, and whenever you would call late at night I wouldn’t pick up because I knew what it was about….

By the time we had been together for eight months, you broke up with me because you decided you didn’t wanna see me hurting anymore. I had no emotion to this news. I asked you if you were under the influence of anything, making sure you knew what you were saying, and when you said you were straight, I thanked you for setting me free and I hung up….

The sad part of all of this is that you still try and contact me anytime you see I’m happy and what’s even worse is that I still pick up and I still talk for hours and hours with you and all the feelings come back….

It was always you and it will always be you…

by Deziree Okopski