It’s completely normal to feel like you have just been hit by a ton of bricks. Whether you didn’t see it coming, or you felt it approaching, it will still never soften the blow. Right now, it makes you sick to even think about another day without him a part of it. You will be mentally and physically sick. In the lyrics of a song by our favorite female country artist, Reba, she states, ‘I’m pretty sure it’s not the end of the world tonight, even though deep down in my soul it feels like it might, I’m pretty sure I’ll wake up tomorrow still breaking inside and I’ll go on missing you, I’ll go on wanting you, I’ll go on with or without you, I’ll go on’.
It’s not just tomorrow that you will wake up breaking inside. But as you go on, the pain subsides. You’re always going to love him no matter how much he hurt you so don’t waste your time fighting to not love him anymore. You’re always going to carry a piece of him with you wherever life takes you. And you can’t be mad about that. Each person our heart decides is special enough to let in, they leave something with us that changes who we are forever. They have a purpose.
Whether he walked away or you walked away, the heartache doesn’t change. It still hurts just the same. You’re not going to want to get out of bed. Facing a world without him in it just doesn’t seem right so you stay in bed. You still snuggle the blanket he gave you for Christmas just to still smell his cologne. You look through pictures of you and him on your phone and you grieve to just have that all back. You would do just about anything to go back to that moment in time. It’s an awful experience. But I will tell you this, it will either make you or break you.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s even if it does break you, you’re still fixable. I let it break me only because I believed every voice in my head that convinced me I wasn’t enough. I did that to myself. I have no one to blame for that break but myself. Please don’t do that to yourself. There is not a single man out there worth losing yourself over. Stay strong! You were always enough. Maybe too much and that’s okay. He’s not meant for your love. I was the one to leave and I still somehow convinced myself I wasn’t enough for him. That’s how controlling the voices in your head can get. Did you know that the absence of hope alone is what causes people to believe in the voices? If you have no hope for a future without him, no hope in who you are as a woman without him, then you’re going to break. Choose hope! Hope is what has saved lives.
Choose yourself. Looking back, my biggest regret wasn’t looking needy, believing in him too much, all of the chances, begging him to give me a love he wasn’t capable of, walking away, or turning right back to him.
Don’t get me wrong, I shouldn’t have done most of those things because I shouldn’t have to fight for them, he should want to give them to me. But my point is, the biggest regret I have was not choosing myself. I always chose him. Every single time. And what for? The only person you truly have at the end of the day is yourself.
People leave and things change. I didn’t choose to love myself or have hope that there was more out there for me. And that’s what caused me to lose myself. No circumstance or any person should make you fall out of love with yourself. My longest and hardest battle will always be the tragedy I let happen due to the absence of hope. I lost hope in myself. Falling back in love with myself is single-handedly the hardest thing I have had to do. Choose yourself before you lose yourself. That’s not a battle I will ever endure again due to any person or circumstance. That was undeniably worse than any break-up ever.
The reason why I got back up so fast wasn’t that I didn’t love him; I loved him dearly but I loved myself more this time. To answer your question: Love yourself, choose yourself, have hope in yourself, and, most importantly, have hope for your future. If it didn’t work out, then it is what it is, don’t beat yourself up over it. There clearly must be something more out there for you. You just have to believe in that!
Your aunt who adores you
by Charley Nicole