Some parents wonder why their adult children don’t call, don’t visit, and seem more emotionally distant every year.
The truth is, most of that distance doesn’t happen overnight—it builds slowly, through patterns of control, guilt, criticism, or neglect that wear the relationship down over time.
Here are 35 behaviors that, according to mental health experts, often lead parents to grow old lonely and isolated—sometimes wondering what went wrong, without realizing it’s what they never stopped doing.
1. Guilt-tripping their adult kids for not calling
Guilt is a powerful emotion, often used by parents to express their desire for more communication. The subtle implication that a child doesn’t care enough can weigh heavily, causing feelings of inadequacy and resentment. This tactic, though seemingly innocent, erodes the genuine desire to connect.
Children begin to associate phone calls with an obligation rather than a heartfelt conversation. Over time, the calls become less frequent, each one a reminder of unmet expectations. The cycle perpetuates, leading to more disappointment and guilt.
To build a bridge instead of a barrier, focus on expressing appreciation when they reach out, without the strings of guilt attached. A simple “I love hearing from you” can turn an obligation into a joy.
2. Expecting constant updates but offering no emotional support
Expecting constant updates from adult children without providing emotional support creates an uneven dynamic. It’s as if the parent requires a play-by-play of the child’s life without offering any meaningful guidance or empathy in return.
This expectation can feel like an invasion of privacy or an unending burden. It becomes a chore to report every life event, major or minor, without the comforting balance of support.
To foster genuine connection, parents should focus on providing a safe space for their children to share willingly, not out of compulsion. Encouragement, empathy, and understanding go a long way in creating a two-way street of communication.
3. Dismissing their children’s feelings as “dramatic” or “ungrateful”
Dismissing a child’s feelings as dramatic or ungrateful can create a damaging cycle of invalidation. When emotions are brushed off, it sends a message that their experiences and perceptions aren’t valued or real.
This dismissal often leads to a reluctance to share personal thoughts and feelings. Over time, children may stop seeking parental advice or comfort, fearing judgement or ridicule.
To break this cycle, acknowledging and validating feelings is crucial. Even if the emotions seem exaggerated, listening and empathizing can foster deeper, more meaningful connections. Ensuring children feel heard and respected encourages openness and trust.
4. Making everything about their own sacrifices
When parents constantly highlight their sacrifices, it shifts the focus from the child’s experiences to the parent’s perceived martyrdom. This behavior can make children feel guilty for their achievements, burdening them with the weight of their parents’ sacrifices.
This narrative often overshadows the child’s own struggles and accomplishments, creating an environment where gratitude becomes obligatory rather than genuine.
Parents should strive to celebrate their child’s success without overshadowing it with tales of personal sacrifice. Recognizing the child’s journey, independent of parental sacrifice, can nurture a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.
5. Ignoring boundaries—even when clearly stated
Ignoring boundaries is a surefire way to create emotional distance. When a parent dismisses or overrides a child’s expressed limits, it undermines the foundation of trust and respect.
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. They allow children to grow independently while still staying connected. Ignoring them can lead to feelings of betrayal and disconnection.
To foster a strong bond, parents should not only respect but actively support their child’s boundaries. By doing so, they encourage a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding, paving the way for open and honest communication.
6. Using money as a tool for control
Using money as a tool for control is a behavior that can severely strain parent-child relationships. When financial support comes with conditions or expectations, it creates a transactional dynamic that feels more like a business arrangement than familial support.
This behavior can make children feel indebted or manipulated, leading to resentment and a desire for independence. It transforms what could be an act of love into a tool of control.
Parents should offer financial support with no strings attached, focusing instead on the well-being and happiness of their children. Encouraging independence and mutual respect can transform financial support into a gesture of love rather than control.
7. Speaking negatively about their kids to others
When parents speak negatively about their children to others, it erodes trust and respect. This behavior not only damages the child’s reputation but also their self-esteem and confidence.
The child may feel betrayed and humiliated, leading to emotional distance and a reluctance to engage with the parent. The damage of gossip is long-lasting, creating a rift that can be difficult to mend.
To build a positive relationship, parents should focus on speaking positively about their children, celebrating their achievements and supporting their struggles. Building a child’s confidence requires a foundation of trust and respect, nurtured by positive reinforcement.
8. Comparing their children to each other
Comparison among siblings can create an unhealthy competitive environment, breeding resentment and insecurity. When parents compare their children, they send a message that love and approval are conditional, based on performance or behavior.
This dynamic can fracture sibling relationships and create lifelong feelings of inadequacy. Each child is unique and deserves to be appreciated for their individual strengths and qualities.
Parents should celebrate each child’s achievements and growth, without comparing them to others. By recognizing their individuality, parents can foster confidence and self-worth, strengthening both sibling bonds and the parent-child relationship.
9. Criticizing every life choice, big or small
Constant criticism of a child’s life choices, whether big or small, can create a barrier to open communication. This behavior sends a message that the child’s judgment is not trusted or valued, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Over time, the child may stop sharing their life details, fearing judgment and criticism. This can lead to emotional distance and a fractured relationship.
To foster a supportive environment, parents should focus on providing guidance instead of criticism. Encouraging dialogue and understanding can create a foundation of trust, where children feel safe to explore their own paths with parental support.
10. Playing the victim in every disagreement
Playing the victim in disagreements shifts the focus from resolving the issue to garnering sympathy. This behavior can manipulate the narrative, leaving the child feeling guilty or responsible for their parent’s emotions.
This tactic undermines healthy communication and problem-solving, perpetuating a cycle of blame and guilt. It can drive a wedge between parent and child, creating emotional distance.
Parents should aim to resolve conflicts by focusing on understanding and compromise. By taking responsibility for their own actions and emotions, they can foster a healthy, respectful dialogue that strengthens the relationship.
11. Refusing to apologize—even when clearly wrong
Refusing to apologize, even when clearly wrong, sets a precedent that pride is more important than respect. This behavior teaches children that admitting mistakes is a sign of weakness, rather than a step towards growth and reconciliation.
Over time, this refusal can lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication, as children feel their feelings and experiences are invalidated.
To build a strong, respectful relationship, parents should model humility and accountability. A sincere apology can mend fences, showing children that everyone makes mistakes, and that acknowledging them is a path to understanding and connection.
12. Acting entitled to time, energy, and attention
Acting entitled to a child’s time, energy, and attention creates an imbalance in the relationship. This behavior implies that the child’s needs and responsibilities are secondary to the parent’s desires.
It can lead to burnout and resentment, as the child feels pressured to prioritize their parent’s needs over their own. This entitlement can strain the relationship, leading to emotional distance.
To foster a healthy relationship, parents should respect their child’s time and independence, valuing their autonomy and interests. Mutual respect and understanding are key to nurturing a connection that is both supportive and balanced.
13. Holding onto grudges and bringing up past mistakes
Holding onto grudges and bringing up past mistakes keeps the relationship stuck in a cycle of blame and resentment. This behavior prevents healing and growth, as it focuses on what went wrong rather than how to move forward.
It can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, as the child feels perpetually judged and unable to move beyond past errors.
To foster a positive relationship, parents should focus on forgiveness and growth, learning from past mistakes rather than dwelling on them. Encouraging open dialogue and understanding can pave the way for healing and connection.
14. Using silence as punishment
Using silence as a form of punishment creates an atmosphere of tension and insecurity. This passive-aggressive behavior communicates disapproval and withdrawal, leaving the child feeling confused and hurt.
The silence becomes a barrier to communication, preventing resolution and understanding. It fosters an environment of fear and anxiety, as the child is left guessing what went wrong.
Parents should aim for open communication, addressing conflicts directly rather than resorting to silence. By fostering an environment of openness and empathy, they can build trust and understanding, strengthening the parent-child bond.
15. Refusing to accept their child’s identity or values
Refusing to accept a child’s identity or values creates a chasm that can be difficult to bridge. This behavior sends a message that love and acceptance are conditional, based on conformity rather than individuality.
It can lead to feelings of rejection and insecurity, as the child struggles to reconcile their identity with their parent’s expectations.
To foster a supportive relationship, parents should embrace their child’s individuality, celebrating their unique qualities and values. By showing unconditional love and acceptance, they can create a bond built on trust and respect, encouraging a positive and nurturing relationship.
16. Constantly complaining during every interaction
Constant complaining during interactions creates a negative environment that can be draining and demoralizing. This behavior can overshadow any positive aspects of the relationship, leaving the child feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed.
The constant negativity can lead to emotional distance, as the child begins to associate interactions with stress and dissatisfaction.
To foster a positive relationship, parents should focus on gratitude and positivity, highlighting the good moments and expressing appreciation. Building a relationship on positive reinforcement and encouragement can create a nurturing and supportive environment, strengthening the bond.
17. Treating love as something to be earned, not given
Treating love as something to be earned creates an unhealthy dynamic where approval is conditional. This behavior can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as the child constantly strives to meet expectations to gain love and acceptance.
It can create emotional distance, as the child feels their worth is tied to their achievements rather than their inherent value as a person.
To build a healthy relationship, parents should offer unconditional love and support, focusing on the child’s inherent worth rather than their achievements. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, they can create a bond built on trust and respect.
18. Expecting kids to fix their loneliness or unhappiness
Expecting children to fix a parent’s loneliness or unhappiness places an unfair burden on the child. This behavior shifts the emotional responsibility from the parent to the child, creating an imbalance in the relationship.
It can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy, as the child struggles to meet unrealistic expectations. This dynamic can strain the relationship, leading to emotional distance.
To build a strong relationship, parents should focus on their own emotional well-being, seeking support from peers or professionals rather than placing the burden on their children. By fostering a balanced, supportive relationship, they can nurture a healthy connection.
19. Centering conversations only around their own problems
Centering conversations solely around their own problems creates an unbalanced dynamic where the child’s thoughts and feelings are overshadowed. This behavior can make the child feel unimportant and undervalued.
It can lead to emotional distance, as the child may feel their experiences and concerns are not worthy of attention or discussion.
To foster a healthy relationship, parents should engage in active listening, valuing their child’s input and experiences. By creating a balanced dialogue, they can nurture a supportive and respectful relationship built on mutual understanding and empathy.
20. Inserting themselves into decisions where they’re not invited
Inserting themselves into decisions where they’re not invited undermines a child’s autonomy and independence. This behavior implies a lack of trust in the child’s ability to make choices and navigate their own life.
It can lead to frustration and resentment, as the child feels their independence is being challenged or disregarded.
To foster a respectful relationship, parents should focus on offering support rather than unsolicited advice. Encouraging their child’s independence and decision-making fosters a relationship built on trust and mutual respect, allowing the child to grow and thrive.
21. Undermining their child’s parenting choices
Undermining a child’s parenting choices creates tension and conflict, both within the parent-child relationship and in the broader family dynamic. This behavior signals a lack of respect for the child’s capabilities and authority as a parent.
It can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, as the child struggles to assert their own parenting style and decisions.
To build a supportive relationship, parents should respect their child’s parenting choices, offering guidance only when asked. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, they can create a harmonious family dynamic that supports growth and understanding.
22. Making holidays stressful instead of joyful
Turning holidays into stressful occasions takes away from the joy and togetherness these times are meant to celebrate. When parents create tension through unrealistic expectations or unresolved conflicts, it can cast a shadow over family gatherings.
This behavior can lead to dread and reluctance to participate in family events, as the joy is overshadowed by stress and obligation.
To foster a joyful holiday atmosphere, parents should focus on creating a warm and welcoming environment, emphasizing togetherness and appreciation. By addressing conflicts beforehand and setting realistic expectations, they can nurture a festive spirit that strengthens family bonds.
23. Playing favorites—even subtly
Playing favorites, even subtly, creates an environment of competition and resentment among siblings. This behavior signals that love and approval are conditional, eroding the trust and respect necessary for healthy family relationships.
It can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, as the unfavored child struggles to gain approval and affection.
To build a harmonious family dynamic, parents should strive for equality and fairness, celebrating each child’s unique qualities and achievements. By fostering an environment of unconditional love and support, they can nurture a strong, connected family bond.
24. Acting like affection is transactional
Treating affection as transactional creates a dynamic where love and approval are conditional. This behavior can lead to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, as the child constantly strives to meet expectations to gain affection.
It can create emotional distance, as the child feels their worth is tied to their actions rather than their inherent value as a person.
To foster a healthy relationship, parents should offer unconditional love and support, focusing on the child’s inherent worth rather than their achievements. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, they can create a bond built on trust and respect.
25. Refusing therapy or self-reflection
Refusing therapy or self-reflection can hinder personal growth and relationship improvement. This behavior signals a reluctance to acknowledge and address underlying issues that may be affecting the parent-child relationship.
It can lead to stagnation and frustration, as unresolved issues continue to strain the relationship.
To foster a healthier relationship, parents should be open to self-reflection and personal growth, seeking help when needed. By addressing their own challenges and demonstrating a willingness to change, they can build a stronger, more supportive connection with their children.
26. Blaming their children for their unfulfilled life
Blaming children for an unfulfilled life places an unfair burden of responsibility on them. This behavior signals a lack of accountability and can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy in the child.
It creates emotional distance, as the child feels unjustly blamed for circumstances beyond their control.
To build a healthy relationship, parents should focus on taking responsibility for their own choices and happiness. By fostering an environment of mutual support and understanding, they can create a positive, nurturing relationship that encourages growth and fulfillment for both parties.
27. Expecting emotional labor without offering any in return
Expecting emotional labor without offering any in return creates an unbalanced dynamic that can strain the parent-child relationship. This behavior places the onus on the child to provide emotional support, without reciprocity.
It leads to feelings of exhaustion and resentment, as the child prioritizes the parent’s needs over their own.
To foster a mutually supportive relationship, parents should engage in reciprocal emotional labor, offering empathy and understanding. By building a relationship on mutual respect and support, they can create a nurturing and balanced connection that benefits both parties.
28. Making adult children feel like they’re never “enough”
Making adult children feel like they’re never “enough” creates a cycle of inadequacy and frustration. This behavior signals that love and approval are conditional, based on perceived shortcomings rather than inherent value.
It can lead to emotional distance, as the child struggles to meet unrealistic expectations and gain approval.
To build a supportive relationship, parents should focus on celebrating their child’s achievements and acknowledging their inherent worth. By fostering a nurturing and supportive environment, they can create a bond built on trust and respect, encouraging personal growth and fulfillment.
29. Turning every visit into a lecture or complaint session
Turning every visit into a lecture or complaint session creates a negative atmosphere that can deter future interactions. This behavior signals a lack of appreciation for the child’s presence, focusing instead on criticism or dissatisfaction.
It can lead to feelings of dread and reluctance to visit, as the child anticipates a barrage of complaints rather than a warm welcome.
To foster positive interactions, parents should focus on gratitude and appreciation, valuing the time spent together. By creating a welcoming and supportive environment, they can nurture a strong, positive relationship with their children.
30. Ignoring growth and only seeing the “child” version
Ignoring a child’s growth and only seeing the “child” version undermines their independence and achievements. This behavior signals a reluctance to acknowledge the child’s development and autonomy.
It can lead to frustration and resentment, as the child feels their progress and maturity are disregarded.
To foster a respectful relationship, parents should celebrate their child’s growth and accomplishments, recognizing their journey towards independence. By valuing their child’s individuality and achievements, they can create a bond built on trust and mutual respect.
31. Using religion or tradition to shame or control
Using religion or tradition to shame or control creates a dynamic where the child’s autonomy is undermined. This behavior signals a lack of respect for the child’s individuality and choices.
It can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy, as the child struggles to meet expectations rooted in beliefs they may not share.
To build a supportive relationship, parents should respect their child’s autonomy and beliefs, focusing on open dialogue and understanding. By fostering an environment of acceptance and respect, they can nurture a positive, trusting relationship with their children.
32. Mocking or minimizing their kids’ goals and interests
Mocking or minimizing a child’s goals and interests creates a barrier to open communication and mutual respect. This behavior signals a lack of support for the child’s aspirations and endeavors.
It can lead to feelings of discouragement and inadequacy, as the child feels their passions are not valued or respected.
To foster a supportive relationship, parents should celebrate their child’s interests and ambitions, offering encouragement and understanding. By valuing their child’s passions and goals, they can create a bond built on trust and respect, encouraging personal growth and fulfillment.
33. Saying “you’ll miss me when I’m gone” as a weapon
Using phrases like “you’ll miss me when I’m gone” as a weapon manipulates emotions and creates a burden of guilt. This behavior leverages the fear of loss to control or influence the child’s actions.
It can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional distance, as the child feels manipulated and burdened by guilt.
To build a healthy relationship, parents should focus on fostering positive interactions and open communication, rather than leveraging guilt. By nurturing a supportive and respectful environment, they can create a bond built on trust and understanding.
34. Treating love like a scoreboard
Treating love like a scoreboard creates a transactional dynamic where affection and approval are contingent on meeting certain criteria. This behavior signals that love is conditional, eroding the trust and respect necessary for a healthy relationship.
It can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, as the child struggles to meet expectations to feel loved and accepted.
To foster a supportive relationship, parents should offer unconditional love and support, focusing on the child’s inherent worth rather than their actions. By fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding, they can create a bond built on trust and respect.
35. Refusing to see how their behavior impacts connection
Refusing to acknowledge how their behavior impacts the relationship creates a barrier to growth and connection. This behavior signals a lack of self-awareness and accountability, preventing constructive dialogue and understanding.
It can lead to frustration and emotional distance, as the child feels their concerns and experiences are ignored or minimized.
To build a strong relationship, parents should engage in self-reflection and open communication, acknowledging their role in the relationship dynamics. By fostering a supportive and understanding environment, they can nurture a healthy, respectful connection that encourages growth and fulfillment.