Probably all of us have experienced it. He is all over you, telling you he loves you, wants you to be together all the time, and calls frequently. Suddenly, it all becomes too much and you start noticing there is something very unhealthy happening under the surface.
A few years ago, I had a drink with my friend Tara, and shared some doubts about my boyfriend. She was nodding at first and then asked me if it felt as… (God, you’ll love how she described the feeling) slimy tentacles around your neck.
Such a vivid comparison helped me notice other red flags in my relationship at the time. It wasn’t long before I dumped his toxic self.
Pay attention to your body hints! Besides the dreadful sensation this kind of bond may impose, there is an overall feeling something isn’t quite right. Also, there is an inner urge to run from it.
Sometimes your mind can’t decide if something is deeply wrong with your relationship, but your body will sense the danger and turn the alarms on. You’ll be uncomfortable or feel something is off when he’s around, your hands will sweat, your heartbeat rate will increase, your stomach will get upset, etc.
My psychologist shared 10 “screaming” signals of a toxic relationship and you’ll want to hear them!
1. “How do you mean you can’t see me now?”
He’ll show no respect for your boundaries. You may express a clear discomfort, say no multiple times, or overly explain why you need your own time or space for other activities, but it will just be ignored.
Believe me, I tried setting up boundaries with my toxic ex, but it was just beyond his comprehension, he just wanted full control over my being, my time, and my world. He’d even dare to emotionally manipulate me and crush any of the limits I imposed.
2. “She has a bad influence on you!”
My best friend became “our” enemy, he was accusing her of mind-boggling me, and putting bad ideas in my head. He would say I tend to misbehave after spending time with her. I started seeing her less and less, and after some time, we completely lost contact.
Isolation tendency is an important sign you’re actually dating a toxic person. He’ll want all of your time and work hard to push you away from friends and family.
3. “Why have you been lying to me?”
He has serious trust issues and you’ll be forced to constantly explain and justify yourself. Whatever information you share will not be accepted as true.
My ex would keep interrogating me over and over again, desperately trying to spot a hole in my story. Gurl, he’d put me under serious torture!! Feels so unreal now, but I remember he had full power over me.
4. “Are you insane? I didn’t say that ever!”
Gaslighting is one of the main signs of a toxic relationship. It’s a means of manipulation and psychological control. You’ll be fed with false information and will come to the point where you’re questioning if everything you know is true.
My ex would deny his actions, shout he’d never said that, and I would be accused of gaslighting him, while in reality, I was the one being deceived. He’d project all his misbehaviors on me, and I’d notice my head felt so blurry.
All my reality seemed vague. I lost confidence in my own sanity! I was not even sure if my memories were real. Finally, at some point, I lost my sense of self.
5. “Who’s that man you’ve been talking to?!”
His jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling tendencies will make you feel like a hostage. If I don’t answer a call or text him right back, he flips out.
He was always checking on me and HAD TO KNOW where I was going and who I was gonna meet. A small innocent chat with my male high school friend opened the hellgate. He was unbearable for the whole week.
Before I did anything after that incident, I would first think what his reaction would be.
6. “You just need to ask and I will give you the money!”
He will tend to control your access to finances, family members, or other resources and you’ll become dependent in different ways.
That will make room for abuse, as you’re not free to leave – that’s exactly what toxic men need. You become helpless and passive and he starts making the decisions for you.
At the time I wasn’t earning enough to afford to leave and rent my own place. He knew it and would use every opportunity to remind me I should be thankful to have someone who’s taking care of me and actually “is my home”.
7. “You look awful in that dress!”
While I was dating him, I kept feeling belittled and ashamed. He was very critical of my looks. If I wore a dress he wouldn’t like he would say I looked cheap. My choices were always irrational. Opinions?! I was not allowed to have opinions as he would say it was just stupid.
This behavior may also include name-calling, making rude remarks about people who are close to you, or making a scene in front of them.
Emotionally immature men tend to lift themselves on the hill of YOUR failures, flaws, and mistakes. Even if there’s nothing left to mock you about, he will invent it. Over time, your self-esteem will be destroyed and you’ll become unable to make a good self-judgment.
8. “You hurt me so hard yesterday, I can’t touch you!”
He’ll punish you by drawing back his affection when you “misbehave” and reward you when you do something “right”.
When I’d do something he perceived as “wrong”, he’d ask me to sleep on the couch. He’d say he was very upset by what I did, and couldn’t stand me sleeping next to him.
I felt like a child or dog that’s been trained to behave according to parent’s or pet owner’s expectations.
9. “I always think I’m not good enough for you.”
It all starts because of the insecurity and need for reassurance. This is the root of their toxicity. No matter how many times you repeat you love them or show your affection, they will always need constant confirmation.
He’d keep telling me I appeared so cold after we fought and made myself distant. Also, often he’d admit he wasn’t sure if have any feelings for him.
10. “Why are you noisy when you cook?! Let me watch the game!!!”
God, I freeze when I remember his rage. Even the smallest thing would make him blow up on me. If I would for instance break the glass, he would get deranged and start shouting, calling me incapable of even handling the dishes.
Toxic men usually have serious anger management issues. There is a constant rage floating in the air and the threat it will explode on you. You keep walking on eggshells.
Over time, you’ll become used to being very careful and avoid provoking a conflict with your words or behavior.
How to break free?
You think you’re shackled in a toxic relationship but have no idea how to get out.
My psychologist advised me to start by prioritizing self-care: exercise, enough sleep, healthy food, mindfulness, yoga, etc. This will help you to make better judgments and then reflect on your relationship.
Make sure to engage in activities that spark joy: swim twice a week, join craft workshops, travel, etc.
Embrace your emotions, forgive, and finally let it go. It will speed up the healing process and allow you to achieve personal growth.
At last, if you find it necessary, seek professional help. Being in a toxic relationship for too long may give you anxiety, depression, PTSD, and paranoia. So my dear, don’t waste your time. Save yourself!