Correr era mi cura y mi botiquín de primeros auxilios

I was waiting for the camera crews to come out from the shadows when my very serious of a boyfriend decided to inform me he was no longer ‘sexually attracted’ to me. First, I was in shock. Then I was mostly grateful that my fight or flight was impaired at that moment. Any normal girl would have taken a dagger to the asshole who was deciding to tell his girlfriend, on her BIRTHDAY, yes, on my birthday, that he couldn’t do this anymore.

As I watched his lips move up and down, I zoned out into another dimension. In my brain I was thinking, isn’t attraction the first thing that happens in a relationship? So why now was this epiphany just coming to him? Confusion ran through my mind. Confusion ran through my mind like wildfire.

The abundant amount of support and endless encouragement I gave him when it came to what was important to him—those so-called Ironmans and a close call with an almost job loss, Yo estaba allí. Siempre estaba allí para levantarle cada día. Yo estaba allí para ayudarle a levantar esos bloques de confianza cuando necesitaba un empujón extra de ánimo. Lo elogié, lo felicité y, sí, hasta le limpié las malditas heridas cuando se cayó de la bicicleta compitiendo en esos Ironman. Yo estuve allí. Yo estaba allí para todo esto y yo estaba allí mientras estudiaba para mis exámenes, trabajando a tiempo completo y aún así le dediqué tiempo para darle el amor que creía que se merecía. I did not ask for anything from him except just a little bit of his heart and attention in return. I never understood why he couldn’t have just given just a little of himself…

Looking back on it, I now understood why he couldn’t support me the way I supported him. In addition to his salary-earning full-time job, he had another full-time job catering to the 40 year-old spinning instructor, the 35 year-old Ironman girl and the 32 year-old aspiring country singer. They were introduced to me as ‘amigos’. I was so naive—I actually believed a good-looking man could have female friends. After all, I’m an attractive female and I have plenty of male friends who are truly just friends. Well, I may have been naive but I’m not stupid. My girl radar was up on high alert after a few rounds of questioning him about his friends. I was truly just asking about what they did and he turned it around to hacerme sentir como si fuera el loco. He said ‘all my questions’ reflected my own insecurities (no, asswipe, I truly was interested in who they were, what they did, etc.) He tried very hard to deflect and make me feel as if I was some crazy, psycho bitch. He filled my head with his lies.

Back to my birthday… I felt so sad and lonely and never had I felt such humiliation. His words cut me to the core of my being. It took him this long to determine he wasn’t attracted to me?

Afortunadamente, con la ayuda de otros, pude ver que eran SUS propias inseguridades tóxicas las que había proyectado en mí. He was doing his best to destroy me—until there was nothing left. Casi le había dejado ganar con sus enfermizos juegos mentales. Casi le había dejado ganar despojándome de mi corazón y mi alma.

Poco a poco aprendí a rezar menos por su desaparición y por los recuerdos dolorosos y más por el arte de superar el dolor. En algún momento aprendí a superar el dolor y me di cuenta de que cada día me prometía a mí misma volver a ser la mujer que era antes de conocerle.

Sabía que necesitaba ayuda y lo que me ayudó a convertirme en mi botiquín de primeros auxilios para superarlo fue la alegría que me daba correr. Correr se convirtió en una necesidad para mí, como la comida y el agua.

Correr era mi vía de escape más especial y se convirtió en mi sesión diaria de terapia when I couldn’t stop those hurtful words echoing throughout my mind. Running helped me find my own voice.

I needed to run. I needed to run every day. I needed to run for my own sanity. I’m not sure if it is because of the endorphins that are released but running became my drug of choice when dealing with the pain.

Yo relaciono correr con ser el mejor antidepresivo que se puede tomar. Correr requiere fuerza y resistencia física. Running helped my body physically and mentally. Physically, running helped improve my much-lost sleep at night caused by the haunting, painful memories. Mentally, running helped me to think clearly and to rebuild my self-esteem and ego—which had been stripped to absolutely nothing.

Running wasn’t just about distance and mileage for me. I set goals mentally. Each run, me prometí seguir corriendo hasta que el dolor y el pánico de sus recuerdos tóxicos fueran cada vez menores y su voz enmudeciera. Me prometí a mí misma que en cada carrera me enfrentaría a los miedos que me había infundido.

Correr me enseñó algo sobre la vida en general. Algunos días serán mejores que otros. Some days you’ll have the absolute best run of your life and some days you’ll barely find the fuel to keep your legs going. Igual que algunos días con él apenas podía soportar el dolor y otros era totalmente invencible.

Correr fue mi remedio y mi mecanismo para recuperar el control de mi vida. Así que te animo a que te pongas a sudar, abras ese botiquín de primeros auxilios que incluye zapatillas y un conjunto bonito. Corre hasta que el dolor sea cada vez menor y tu la fuerza vence toda su negatividad.