¿Qué debe hacer cuando su cónyuge le dice cosas hirientes?
Es muy difícil mantener la calma cuando tu cónyuge te dice cosas hirientes, ya sea en caliente o involuntariamente.
Las palabras hirientes son como espadas: te apuñalan en el corazón y te dejan sin habla.
Sí, las relaciones pueden ser muy duras a veces, pero tanto los momentos felices como los menos felices forman parte inevitable de ellas.
You will argue, cry and say something you don’t really mean to each other and you cannot influence any of these things.
Sin embargo, lo que sí puedes hacer es elegir cómo reaccionar cuando tu cónyuge te diga cosas hirientes.
If this doesn’t happen that often (but usually during an argument), then chances are your spouse accidentally said something regrettable and inappropriate.
Pero si ocurre con regularidad, puede ser el comienzo de un relación abusivaasí que deberías prestar atención a eso.
Perhaps they said something bad about your friends or family, your flaws, habits or appearance and now you can’t stop thinking about it.
The reason why you can’t stop thinking about it is because you feel hurt, offended and disappointed in your partner.
You want to let it go and forget about everything that happened but it’s easier said than done, right? Also, holding grudges is not a healthy option.
Así que, básicamente tienes dos opciones aquí:
a) Puedes fingir que no ha pasado nada (pero esto provocará la acumulación de sentimientos negativos)
b) Puedes hacer lo siguiente:
NO CONTESTES
Oh, I know that you want to say so many things to them, force them to apologize to you and point out all those harsh words they said to you. But trust me, it’s not worth it.
Por mucho que te cueste mantener la compostura y no decirles también algunas cosas feas, intenta no devolverles el ataque. ¿Por qué? Porque no resolverá el problema, sino que sólo lo empeorará.
When your spouse says hurtful things to you, you need to show them that you’re not like them.
There’s no point in saying something bad to your partner when you know that you will end up apologizing for it sooner or later.
The best bet is to leave things as they are for the time being and wait for them to apologize for hurting you. And if they don’t, then it’s time to re-evaluate your marriage.
Cálmese y reevalúe la situación
It’s truly amazing how one person can distress you so much but you need to know that fighting back is not an option.
What you need to do is calm down, take a deep breath and know that you’re not alone.
Don’t immediately think that your partner doesn’t love you, that they hate you or that quieren el divorcio.
80% del tiempo, estos cosas hirientes son cosas que se dicen en el calor del momento y no están directamente relacionadas con la calidad de tu matrimonio. Tenlo en cuenta.
Hay muchas razones por las que tu pareja podría herirte involuntariamente con palabras.
Esas razones no están necesariamente relacionadas contigo, pero pueden formar parte de la acumulación de estrés debido al trabajo, las tareas domésticas u otras obligaciones y problemas.
Lo que tienes que hacer es pensar en el contexto en el que tu cónyuge dijo todas esas cosas malas y en cómo ha estado actuando últimamente.
Hágase las siguientes preguntas:
• Was my spouse recently in some stressful situations?
• Are they sleep-deprived?
• Are they acting differently from before?
• Are they treating their friends and family in the same way?
Las respuestas a estas preguntas le ayudarán a comprender si sus discusiones y sus palabras hirientes no son más que una forma de desahogo de su cónyuge.
Acepta y valida tus emociones
Don’t strike back and don’t overreact but also don’t act like it’s not a big deal. I know it is and you know it is too.
No pasa nada si esas duras palabras han impactado en tu autoestima y te hizo sentir menos digno.
I mean, that’s what words do. They hurt us and it burns like hell. Because of that, we often succumb to the temptation of suppressing our feelings but this will not make them go away.
Al contrario, prolongará el dolor que sientes en ese momento.
Por lo tanto, lo único lógico y lo mejor que se puede hacer es ACEPTA la situación y VALORA tus sentimientos. Acepta lo que sientes en lugar de intentar borrarlo.
We all know very well that one cannot do that, no matter how hard we try so don’t pretend that you’re made of stainless steel when you yourself know that this is a lie.
You’re a human being and you’re allowed to feel things; to feel hurt, sad, happy and whatnot. That’s the beauty of being one.
Your emotions are not things you should be afraid of (especially if you’re a guy because guys are told that validating or expressing their feelings is not a masculine thing to do).
Well, be it masculine or not, it’s NECESSARY.
Escriba sus pensamientos y sentimientos
Es uno de los métodos más útiles y lo utilizo cada vez que me encuentro angustiada o dolida. Escribir tus pensamientos y sentimientos te ayuda a comprender mejor cómo te sientes.
Cuando ocurre algo malo, algunas personas llaman a su mejor amigo y le cuentan lo sucedido, otras optan por salir a dar un paseo y otras por escribir cómo se sienten.
All of these methods are equally helpful and it’s just a matter of preference which one you’ll choose as a coping method.
Si me preguntas a mí, escribir las cosas es el método más práctico y puede darle la mejor visión de la situación general.
Aquí no hay reglas. Simplemente empieza a escribir lo primero que se te ocurra.
Por ejemplo: “I feel hurt because my spouse said something really insulting to me today. I know that they probably don’t mean it but it still hurts and I don’t know what to say or do.”
Escribir tus pensamientos te ayudará en el siguiente paso, que es hablar con tu cónyuge. Básicamente, lo que escribas en un papel es lo que podrás decirle cara a cara.
Hable de ello con su cónyuge
¿Qué hacer cuando tu marido dice cosas hirientes o cuando tu mujer dice cosas hirientes? HABLA con ellos.
Once you calm down and accept what happened, it’s time to talk to your spouse about it.
La regla más importante a la hora de comunicarse con su cónyuge es la siguiente: No les grites ni les agredas.
Aunque gritar es probablemente lo primero que le viene a la mente cuando piensa en comunicarse con alguien que herirte, you shouldn’t do it.
En lugar de eso, debes hablar con ellos abierta y honestamente, sin acusarles.
¿Sabías que las distintas estructuras de las frases pueden transmitir significados diferentes?
Por ejemplo, si le dices a tu cónyuge algo como: “You called me stupid the other day. You’re so mean,” they will feel attacked because you’re blaming them for it.
Por eso, es posible que digan más cosas hirientes al intentar defenderse.
Now, let’s rephrase that sentence into the following: “I feel really hurt and disappointed because of the things you said to me the other day.” ¿Notas la diferencia?
Este tipo de frase no les atacará directamente, pero les dirá exactamente cómo te sientes sobre todo el asunto y este es el mensaje que quieres enviarles.
You want them to know how their words made you feel. You want them to feel the weight of all the things they said to you. That’s the only way to motivate them to apologize to you.
When a person is feeling attacked, there’s not a chance they will apologize for their behavior.
Pero cuando les das un poco de espacio para que vean lo que han hecho y entiendan el daño de su elección de palabras, se disculparán y se lo pensarán dos veces antes de repetir el mismo error en el futuro.
Véase también: ¿Cómo afrontar el dolor de un ser querido?
Observe the situation from your spouse’s point of view
This is one of the most difficult things you’ll need to do but it’s necessary for two reasons:
a) Te ayudará a entender cómo se sintieron durante la discusión
b) Te ayudará a perdonarlos
Cuando observes la situación desde su punto de vista, comprenderás su rabia o lo que sea que estuvieran pasando durante la discusión. Puedes compararlo con tus experiencias de locura total.
You probably said something you didn’t mean before just because you weren’t in control of your vocabulary at that moment. Once you know that, it’s easier for you to understand them and forgive them.
Don’t let their words affect you negatively
Whatever your spouse said to you, you shouldn’t take their words seriously.
You shouldn’t think that they are your enemy because they aren’t. They are still your best friend, confidant and partner in crime.
The things they said during an argument shouldn’t change what they mean to you. Also, you shouldn’t let those words make you feel less worthy or influence your self-esteem in one way or another.
I know it’s hard to think positively in this situation but you have to at least try to. Their words shouldn’t make you insecure because you yourself know that whatever they said to you is not true. And they know it too.
Tómate el tiempo que necesites para curarte
When your spouse says hurtful things to you, it feels like your world is literally falling apart. All you can think of is how they made you feel miserable and hurt your feelings. And that’s totally okay.
You shouldn’t suppress what you feel ¡pero tómate el tiempo que necesites para curarte!
Ahora bien, ¿qué significa curar? Cada persona tiene su propio concepto de curación. A algunas personas les ayuda salir a pasear, hablarlo con un amigo o buscar un nuevo hobby y concentrarse en expresarse.
Para empezar el proceso de curación, tienes que salir de tu cabeza y la forma más fácil de hacerlo es expresándote. Puedes gritar, cantar, dibujar, escribir o hacer cualquier cosa que te haga sentir bien.
The focus is on getting those negative feelings out of your system and you’ll do that by expressing yourself both emotionally and physically. Going for a run or meditating are also great alternatives.
Whatever you choose to do, don’t force yourself to forget everything but instead focus on the healing process.
Reevalúe su relación
Otro paso importante es la reevaluación de tu relación. Tienes que hacerte la siguiente pregunta: ¿Mi cónyuge me dice constantemente cosas hirientes desde hace algún tiempo o esto ha ocurrido sólo una vez o unas pocas veces?
If you can’t even remember when your spouse started saying harsh words to you, chances are it’s been happening for a long time now. If that is the case with you, we might be talking about abuso emocional.
Menospreciar constantemente tus sentimientos con palabras duras es una forma de abuso verbal que puede disminuir tu confianza y dañarte emocionalmente a largo plazo.
If you’re still in love with them, you might be having difficulty realizing that this is the case.
It’s true that couples in a relación duradera (especially married couples) face lots of problems but they shouldn’t be constant. If they are, then this could be a potential dealbreaker.
¿Se ha hecho alguna vez la siguiente pregunta? ¿Por qué me casé en primer lugar? Si es así, entonces sabes que algo no va bien en tu relación.
Hable con sus amigos y familiares
Your friends and family should be your biggest support (especially in difficult times) so don’t hesitate to contact them and tell them how you’re feeling.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take a deep breath and say: Mi mujer/marido dice cosas hirientes cuando nos peleamos. Me siento herido e impotente.
Tal vez tus padres o algunos de tus amigos hayan pasado por lo mismo, así que pueden darte algún consejo útil al respecto.
Si, por alguna razón, no puedes hablar con tus amigos o familiares, entonces habla con tu compañero de trabajo o un extraño al azar si es necesario.
I’ve realized that sometimes the greatest advice comes from people you barely know.
Busque ayuda profesional
If all else fails (and even if it doesn’t fail), you can always seek professional help.
Hay muchos consejeros matrimonialesexpertos en citas y en relaciones, dispuestos a darte muchos consejos útiles sobre relaciones y matrimonios.
It doesn’t matter whether this is happening to you for the first time or has been for some time now, it is never too late to seek advice from professionals.
9 citas sobre cuando tu cónyuge dice cosas hirientes
1. “’Sorry’ we all say ‘Sorry’ for the wrong things we say and do. But do we always think about the people we love dearly who we say hurtful things to? I don’t think so because if we had think about it sorry wouldn’t have become such a popular word today. Sometimes we say so much and act immature as adult. We didn’t take the time to realize how much hurt and pain we put that individual in we never took the time to think of the reaction, the feelings and the consequence that we might have to face if what we do turns out to be a matter of life and death.!!!” ― Napz Cherub Pellazo
2. “Palabras tontas cause trills because they’re ludicrous and funny. Palabras felices pintan sonrisas interminables y se tragan los problemas enteros. Palabras reflexivas son así porque hacen que el día parezca soleado. Pero palabras hirientes are such that pierce the heart and weigh the soul.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
3. “When the person you love can’t see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.” ― Shannon L. Alder
4. “When someone tells you that you have done something that has hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” ― Karon Waddell
5. “Honesty hurts and depending on the situation you should really think twice about your words. They can be hurtful and have a bad influence. Once they leave your mouth they can cause allot of soul damage and heartache.” ― Lily Amis
6. “Yes, a person can accept your apology and forgive you for what you’ve said, but they will never forget how you made them feel at that very moment. Words can stick in a person’s mind, heart, and spirit long after the words have been spoken. Don’t be in denial; words have GREAT power. Be wise when you speak!” ― Stephanie Lahart
7. “Dogs bite sometimes, people bite at all times, with their hurtful words.” ― Mehmet Murat İldan
8. “’Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.’ This is a lie. What we say matters. The unkind things we communicate can soil the best of relationships; even with the deepest of regrets… what lingers is a stain of hurt that may fade but will never truly go away. The wounding words we say are like feathers released in a harsh wind, once said; we will never get them back.” ― Jason Versey
9. “It hurts when you go through something that kills you inside but you have to act like it doesn’t affect you at all.” — Unknown
55 citas que te ayudarán a perdonar a tu cónyuge
1. “Forgiveness is a sign that the person who has wronged you means more to you than the wrong they have dealt.” — Ben Greenhalgh
2. “To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.” — Unknown
3. “You’ll never know how strong your heart is until you learn to forgive who broke it.” — Unknown
4. “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” — Catherine Ponder
5. “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” — Wayne Dyer
6. “Without forgiveness life is governed by… an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” — Roberto Assagioli
7. “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” — Paul Boese
8. “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” — Robert Muller
9. “Forgiveness is a powerful tool to reconnect with the offender and your true, inner self.” — Unknown
10. “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” — Alexander Pope
11. “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” — Joseph F. Newton
12. “Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another.” — Emma Goldman
13. “Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive them.” — Unknown
14. “It’s not easy to forgive and let go but remind yourself that harboring the resentment will only aggravate your pain.” — Unknown
15. “Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.” — Fawn Weaver
16. “Perdón is like faith. You have to keep reviving it.” — Mason Cooley
17. “The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.” — Louise Hay
18. “Forgiveness is a powerful weapon. Equip yourself with it and free your soul from fear.” — Unknown
19. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” — Lewis B. Smedes
20. “A matrimonio feliz is the union of two good forgivers.” — Ruth Bell Graham
21. “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” — Anne Lamott
22. “The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” — Unknown
23. “Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?” — Leo Buscaglia
24. “Learning to forgive will help you remove a major roadblock to your success.” — Unknown
25. “Forgiveness isn’t approving what happened. It’s choosing to rise above it.” — Robin Sharma
26. “Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals.” — Thomas S. Monson
27. “Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life.” — George MacDonald
28. “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind.” — Isabelle Holland
29. “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.” — Marlene Dietrich
30. “Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” — Byron Katie
Véase también: Cómo salvar un matrimonio: 10 Métodos Probados Que Siempre Funcionan
31. “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” — Nelson Mandela
32. “Forgiveness stands for giving up something for yourself, not for the offender.” — Unknown
33. “Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.” — Unknown
34. “Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” — Marvin J. Ashton
35. “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” — Peter Ustinov
36. “Forgiveness is liberating and empowering.” — Unknown
37. “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” —Hannah Arendt
38. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi
39. “There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” — Bryant H. McGill
40. “Never bring up mistakes of the past.” — Unknown
41. “It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” — Tyler Perry
42. “Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet on the heel of the one who crushed it.” — George Roemisch
43. “We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell
44. “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” — Marianne Williamson
45. “Sometimes you will just have to learn to agree to disagree. Every fight or argument doesn’t need to end with ‘You’re right’ or ‘You’re wrong.’” — Unknown
46. “Forgive, forget. Bear with the faults of others as you would have them bear with yours.” — Phillips Brooks
47. “I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.” — T. D. Jakes
48. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
49. “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” — Jonathan Lockwood Huie
50. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.” — Cherie Carter-Scott
51. “Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energy moving forward together towards an answer.” — Denis Waitley
52. “The remedy for life’s broken pieces is not classes, workshops or books. Don’t try to heal the broken pieces. Just forgive.” — Iyanla Vanzant
53. “When we… go back into the past and rake up all the troubles we’ve had, we end up reeling and staggering through life. Stability and peace of mind come by living in the moment.” — Pam W. Vredevelt
54. “All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.” — Dalai Lama
55. “To understand somebody else as a human being, I think, is about as close to real forgiveness as one can get.” — David Small
Reflexiones finales
Cuando tu cónyuge te diga cosas hirientes, recuerda que no debes contraatacar. Cálmate, reevalúa la situación, habla con tu cónyuge sobre ello y tómate un tiempo para sanar.
Además, considere la posibilidad de buscar ayuda profesional, especialmente si cree que su matrimonio tiene algunos problemas subyacentes que deben abordarse. Mucha suerte.
Véase también: Cómo arreglar un matrimonio roto: Un plan de rescate en 15 pasos
