Fobia al compromiso: qué es y cómo afrontarla

A muchas personas las relaciones les resultan fáciles. Conocen a alguien, se enamoran, invierten en su relación y la ven florecer.

There are some of us, though, who have what’s called commitment phobia or relationship anxiety.

Sí, algunas personas tienen miedo a las relaciones comprometidas. Pero, ¿qué significa eso?

¿Qué es la fobia al compromiso?

Estar en una relación, sobre todo a largo plazo, es un reto increíble para los que tienen fobia al compromiso.

Sí, todos sabemos que la gente tiene cuestiones de compromiso o ansiedad en las relaciones pero ¿hasta dónde llegan realmente?

Let me tell you, they can go really far. They can go as far as to completely affect the person’s ability to make decisions when it comes to making choices in their life.

They experience love and life just like any other person, but when it comes to making decisions – especially those that require them to commit in any way – they freeze.

That’s not to say that new relationships don’t interest them – in fact, they are at their best when they meet their new potential partners.

Lamentablemente, a medida que la relación avanza y la otra persona empieza a esperar más compromiso, empieza a buscar una salida.

It’s not that they don’t like the other person – they often do – but their feelings of anxiety that arise when they think about truly committing to someone are way too high.

It’s hard for them to develop a healthy relationship with anyone, even when they find the right person for themselves.

Sin embargo, hay distintos tipos de fobia al compromiso.

Some won’t even try dating, but instead pursue super short flings, while some will pursue short relationships or even relationships that are months long The panic sets in when they start to believe they have to commit more deeply.

Por lo tanto, puede que no haya relaciones en su pasado, o puede que haya muchas relaciones fallidas.

Este problema concreto, aunque puede afectar tanto a hombres como a mujeres, se considera tradicionalmente una cuestión masculina.

Oímos hablar más de hombres fóbicos al compromiso que de mujeres fóbicas al compromiso.

The truth is, commitment phobia applies to different things in a person’s life, not only romantic relationships.

Puede afectar a la forma en que la persona con fobia al compromiso vive su vida en muchos aspectos, como la elección de estudios, una ciudad para vivir o, básicamente, cualquier elección en la vida.

Now that we have some basic information about what commitment phobia is, let’s investigate it a bit further.

Causas más comunes de la fobia al compromiso:

The most common causes of commitment phobia usually come from the person’s familia de origeny se presentan de muchas maneras diferentes. He aquí algunos ejemplos:

• The person’s childhood emotions and needs weren’t completely satisfied

• The person felt abandoned as a child or an adolescent one way or another

• The person saw that their parent’s relationship was completely dysfunctional

• The person witnessed their parent’s divorce (sometimes messy, sometimes not)

• The person had severe childhood trauma (such as family violence)

• The person’s parent or caregiver had a personality disorder (such as narcissism)

Sometimes, problems don’t lie in the person’s family though, but rather lie in their poor judgment which leads them to choose toxic partners.

Para otros, sus problemas se derivan de cosas malas que les sucedieron en relaciones anteriores.

Esas causas incluyen:

• The person has been in a serious relationship that ended with their partner abandoning them

• The person has been hurt by a loved one and now has trust issues

• The person has been in a relationship involving abuse, infidelity, abandonment etc.

Again, there are some other causes, and some of them can be connected to the person’s overall mental health.

Una persona que padece un trastorno de ansiedad puede ser más sensible a las cosas que suceden en su vida, lo que puede llevarle a desarrollar también ansiedad en las relaciones.

A commitment-phobe’s 5 relationship fears:

1. Tienen miedo de ser amados

Perhaps they weren’t loved in their childhood, or they feel like any time someone says they love them they are going to end up hurt.

Tienen miedo de dejarse querer. ¿Sabes lo que dicen de  la gente sólo acepta el amor que cree merecer?

Bueno, esto es algo así.

Algunas personas con fobia al compromiso creen que no son dignas de amor. Como cualquier otro ser humano, anhelan el amor, pero al mismo tiempo temen recibirlo.

They might take a nice thing their partner does and turn it into something bad. They might say things like ”Oh, she’s way to caring, it’s too much” or something similar.

If this person is a girl, she might have been with men who can’t love her in the past and so isn’t used to being loved.

Su autoestima es baja por un motivo u otro, y eso les hace pensar que ser queridos es algo que da mucho miedo.

2. Tienen miedo de recrear otros patrones de relación

Si la persona ha visto a sus padres o a otras personas cercanas vivir relaciones disfuncionales o con patrones problemáticos, puede sentirse obligada a liberarse de este ciclo de dolor.

Probablemente vieron cosas desagradables mientras crecían o eran demasiado jóvenes y algunos acontecimientos normales y corrientes, como el divorcio de sus padres, les afectaron profundamente porque eran vulnerables.

They don’t want to repeat the things their parents (or other people) did, thus they prefer not to pursue committed relationships at all, in order to make sure these patterns don’t develop.

Certain things they saw people doing in their relationships caused them a lot of pain and they don’t want to recreate these patterns of toxic behavior in their own life.

Relacionado: 15 señales inequívocas de que una persona comprometida te quiere

3. Temen que la relación termine

Uno de los mayores temores de las personas con sentimientos de ansiedad hacia las relaciones es el miedo a que la relación termine.

Nunca pueden comprometerse plenamente porque la idea de que la relación termine un día les asusta.

La verdad es que cada persona asume un riesgo cuando se enamora de alguien.

The more we get attached, either to our romantic partner or anything in our life, the bigger the risk of getting hurt once it’s gone.

4. They are afraid they didn’t choose the right person

People with commitment phobia are constantly afraid that the person they are with isn’t right for them.

Even when things are going perfectly, they keep thinking that there might be someone better for them out there, someone they still haven’t met.

Temen que comprometerse con esa pareja romántica en particular arruine sus posibilidades de conocer a esa persona perfecta imaginaria que tal vez sólo exista.

Puede parecer un miedo de compatibilidad, pero en realidad está relacionado con la forma en que percibimos el compromiso.

5. Temen que una relación siga siempre igual

This might seem contradictory, but it’s really not. The relationship-avoidant person will constantly find flaws in their current relationship and their current partner.

Committing to someone means accepting those flaws as a part of your life, and this is something they can’t deal with.

They don’t like to think that their partner, or better yet their partner’s flaws, will remain forever.

They hope that some things about their partner can be changed, and at the same time they’re afraid they won’t change.

Además, sienten que necesitan cambiar cosas de sí mismos, y eso podría causar problemas en su relación de compromiso.

5 formas de superar la fobia al compromiso:

The fear of commitment won’t let you find safety.

It doesn’t give you the chance to enjoy life, even though you think you’re living it to the fullest. I know this because I was a commitment-phobe myself.

Saltaba de un chico a otro, de una relación a otra, de una ciudad a otra y nunca podía mantener un trabajo durante más de seis meses.

Hice todas estas cosas hasta el punto en que empezó a significar algo para mí. Me rendía y me iba, sin dejar rastro tras de mí.

I broke many hearts and I stopped taking risks simply because I didn’t want my heart to break.

Las razones de su miedo al compromiso can be many and they don’t have to be the same as mine. I’m simply here to tell you that there is a way you can cure yourself of it.

1. Encontrar la profundidad

Las personas con problemas de compromiso tienden a rascar la superficie de las cosas.

We stop digging the moment we see that it’s going to get too deep for us, because it feels like we will drown. But no. Let’s be honest.

Tener profundidad significa ver el significado de las cosas y darles permiso para que formen parte de nuestras vidas.

This is something we can’t really run away from and we shouldn’t want to run away from.

En mi caso, el problema era que me enteraba de una cosa nueva hasta que se me pasaba la novedad y me aburría al instante.

This was also the case with men, because the moment I saw that they weren’t a ‘new thing’ in my life anymore  Simplemente me iría.

Lo que ocurrió es que me obligué a profundizar en las cosas y lo que vi era interesante y me produjo placer y felicidad.

Simplemente permitiéndome encontrar profundidad en las cosas, empecé a comprometerme con ellas.

2. Darse cuenta de que la intimidad sólo se construye con el tiempo

True intimacy and a loving relationship toward all aspects of your life (mostly romantic) can only be built if you’re very persistent and patient.

Debido a traumas en nuestros primeros años, ahora tenemos desencadenantes para nuestras fobias, que es sobre todo la fobia a las consecuencias.

So what happens is that you leave. You’re afraid that you might hurt someone or that someone is going to hurt you and your internal instinct is to run away.

But that’s not what life is about, right? We can’t spend our entire lives running from feelings but we need to face them in order to conquer them.

Lo que todos tenemos que hacer es elaborar una lista de valores fundamentales que nos sirva de guía en los momentos en que tengamos ganas de huir de un determinado problema.

You probably look at couples who’ve been together for years and see their happiness, and want that same thing in your life.

Esa felicidad, esa intimidad y que el amor sólo puede construirse con el tiempo. You don’t get that by running away.

3. You’re not missing out on anything

So, you, as a commitment-phobic person, might also constantly be thinking that if you don’t move to another town or city every few years you are going to miss out on something.

Committing to something or someone doesn’t mean that you’ll miss out on a better opportunity.

Committing to something isn’t about giving up on everything else in life but rather dedicating your time and energy to something that you find value in.

Esto se aplica también a los lugares donde vives, a tus amigos y a tus relaciones sentimentales.

There will never be a ‘perfect’ way to do a certain thing but your commitment to it can make it more than enough.

4. Learn how to say ‘no’

When you have a fear of commitment, what happens is that you try to do so many things at once that you spread yourself too thin on things that most of the time don’t even bring you that much joy in life.

That’s why it’s very important to learn how to say ‘no’.

At first, everything seems to be so attractive and perfect but when you dig deeper you see that it can only bring problems (problems that you don’t enjoy solving) so that it isn’t worth trying.

Instead, say ‘yes’ to one thing that’s flawed but that you’d love to make perfect.

It’s the same with relationships. Don’t say ‘yes’ to guys simply because you want to try out how it’s going to go, but rather find one man you can say ‘yes’ to and work on your relationship so it can be the best one ever.

5. Evitar pensar demasiado

Es más fácil decirlo que hacerlo, ¿verdad? Con demasiada frecuencia, las personas que tienen miedo al compromiso le dan demasiadas vueltas a las cosas hasta el punto de ver el final de una relación antes incluso de que empiece.

Pensar demasiado también puede llevarnos a tomar malas decisiones en la vida porque evitamos situaciones en las que podemos involucrarnos emocionalmente en cosas en las que podríamos salir perjudicados.

We overthink certain outcomes that we can’t control and that’s what makes us jump to the next thing because it’s easier than sticking to something that we need to put the effort into.

That’s why you simply need to dejar de pensar demasiado things that you can’t control.

They say that people who have anxiety live in the future, and I guess in a way that’s true.

Stop worrying about the future so much and for the first time in your life you’ll feel light, and able to just live without fears.

How to know you’re in love with a commitment-phobe: 5 señales de advertencia:

1. They don’t like using ‘girlfriend’ (or ‘boyfriend’)

When you meet his friends while walking down the street (because he obviously hasn’t introduced you to them on purpose) he doesn’t call you his girlfriend.

Darte el privilegio de llamarte así es demasiado compromiso para él, ya que implica que te diriges hacia una relación a largo plazo.

Este es probablemente uno de los mayores banderas rojas he’ll have – cuestiones de compromiso.

2. Nunca usan la palabra con L

Nunca, nunca usan la palabra  AMOR.

You’ll start to think that it will never happen, because not only don’t they say it now, it feels like they aren’t even thinking about saying it at all.

You can feel their love, and keep telling yourself they’re shy or insecure, but the truth is they probably still aren’t certain you’re the right person for them and telling you they love you would be way too much.

3. Son completamente impredecibles

They won’t commit to anything! If you have a party they don’t RSVP, they either show up or they don’t.

They aren’t willing to make plans for dates or meetings of any kind that are more than a couple of days away.

Pero esto es sólo para los más fóbicos al compromiso.

Algunos, que tienen un menor nivel de cuestiones de compromisopodría ser capaz de hacer estas cosas.

4. Tienen un montón de relaciones cortas en su pasado

They’ve had relationships, yes, but man they’ve been casual.

There’s not a sign of a long-term relationship in their past, and if there is, it’s a story they’ll never tell, because it’s probably the reason they started having relationship anxiety.

If you’re hoping to be his first committed relationship, we get you. That could, of course, happen.

Ten en cuenta que hará falta mucho trabajo y comprensión, tanto por su parte como por la tuya, para conseguirlo.

5. Tienen relaciones indefinidas con las personas

Básicamente, todas las relaciones en su vida son casi relaciones.

They aren’t willing to openly state what people in their life are to them and define their relationships.

Creen que hay que dejar abiertas todas las opciones, en general en la vida y en lo que se refiere a sus amigos e intereses románticos.

It feels like giving a definition to a relationship is impossible to them, so don’t try to have ”where is this relationship going?” talk as you won’t get an answer you’ll like.

We hope we’ve answered the biggest questions you have about commitment phobia. If you’re the one who has it, we would be thrilled if our advice on how to overcome it has been helpful.

If you think you’re in love with someone who has it, this article might help you understand them better.